Bitter and Sweet
Four days later….
When Rey's eyes finally opened, the very ceiling seemed to spin. Her head still pounded, and upon sitting up, realized, based on the stark contrast of black and white walls and furniture, she was clearly within the hands of the First Order. Was Rey being held as Kylo Ren's prisoner once more? Running through her mind, she tried to piece together what had happened. She remembered Kylo Ren arriving, that final electric shock, and feeling every fear and insecurity that he possessed.
Looking around the room, it felt far more like the quarters of a high ranking officer rather than that of a prison cell. Easing her feet onto the cold metal floor, she took inventory of her body, and peeking out from beneath the cuff of her sleeve was a bandage. Tearing it away revealed scaring on her wrist that twisted and spralled. Despite her wound being closed, just looking at it somehow made her uneasy; it reminded her of the pain of that electricity jumping throughout her body. Deciding it was best not to mess with her bandages any further, she stood, slowly at first, until she felt her balance kick in before deciding which of the three doors in the room would be most likely to lead to a bathroom.
There was a door at the top of three stairs, not likely, it was probably the door to the hallway and judging from the glowing red light on the side panel, locked. Even if Rey wanted to escape, she recognized that she was in no state to do so right now. Even mediocre Stormtroopers would likely be able to take her down. The door closest to her was, in fact, a set of doors, and didn't appear electric at all. Pulling on the handles, she opened what seemed to be a large closet. There was a drawer of black short-sleeved shirts, a drawer of black long-sleeved shirts, black pants, black sleeping shirts, and black socks. "Now you, I can use," She said, pulling out a pair of black socks to cover her freezing feet before kicking that drawer shut, and decided that she didn't even need to open the last three drawers, for it was probably more of the same. Rey almost laughed at the thought of everything seriously being black, and at how large the socks were on her feet. There was also a spot, currently empty, for an officer's uniform to hang, and a full-length mirror that she couldn't bear to look in just yet.
Giving the final door a try, she was had found the bathroom that she sought. This room had a large mirror as well, and Rey was forced to confront the long black steri strips that ran along her temples. Pulling on one gently, revealed more scaring underneath, and Rey instantly regretted removing the strip as her knuckles turned white with the grip she held on the sink. Taking a deep breath, Rey traced the outline with the pad of her finger, feeling the rise of the reddish-pink tree-like roots sprawling in every direction atop white skin. Trying to place the black medical strip back over her temple, it fell into the sink, having lost its stick.
After several failed attempts to unlock the main door, Rey tried to explore the rest of the room. There were so many apparent drawers and hatches, but none of which had corresponding buttons to open them. The COM system in the room seemed to be internal only. Rey could easily hack it, though she would only be able to reach other channels in the ship, making the entire effort a tad pointless.
Giving up, at least for now, she went back to rest on the black sofa that sat in the middle of the open room. It may have looked padded, but was so miserably firm that Rey nearly preferred to sit on the floor. Curiously, next to the couch was a folded blanket and a pillow. Taking comfort in any way she could get, she snuggled beneath the white "standard issue" blanket that was so incredibly coarse and threadbare she no sooner kicked those scratchy fibers down to her feet. Why did everything in the First Order have to be so terrible? Course rough black clothes, threadbare blankets, deceivingly difficult couches, and stark white fluorescent lighting with its accompanying constant and annoying electric hum, for which Rey could find no way to turn off. No wonder these people were so miserable all the time. The pillow was no better, it was so soft it compressed to flatness at her lightest touch. It was in pushing on the pillow that she realized something—it contained the most intoxicating smell, that of Kylo Ren.
Quickly retrieving the blanket, it too carried his scent, though not nearly as strong as the pillow, but there nonetheless. Kylo Ren had been there, and that very thought brought Rey comfort. She wondered how often had he come to check on her while she was unconscious. How long he stayed when he did, though, clearly, at least long enough to take a nap. Kylo Ren was never known for making himself vulnerable. Had Rey awoken while he slept, she could have killed him easily if she wanted. Giving up his own bed in favor of being close to Rey continued to stir warm emotions in her soul. Rey wondered what poor officer had been dismissed from their quarters to accommodate her arrival. Though, knowing how possessive Kylo Ren was, she wouldn't put it past him to keep her in his own…
Darting back to the closet, she pulled out a pair of sleeping pants and checking the length against herself noticed a good half-foot of extra material. Carefully folding them to put them away, Rey accidentally bumped into the mirror. The mirror was apparently on a hinge and popped open ever so slightly. Swinging open the mirror revealing a small room containing a single pedestal, on which sat the deformed remains of the mask of Darth Vader. This place was, in fact, Kylo Ren's private chambers.
Rey focused on her breath as she meditated. She focused on each of her emotions, trying her best to allow her hatred for Palpatine to be released from her body, to be an open vessel that the force could fill. However, she found herself only wanting revenge on that monster for what he had done to her. In his presence, there was only darkness and evil, no redeeming light. Such a creature had to be destroyed for the greater good. She also thought of Ben Solo, and subconsciously began to smile at the image of him. She cared for him, of course, but there was something more, a feeling Rey didn't quite know how to place. Even after Snoke's death, even when Rey couldn't dare bring herself to speak to Kylo Ren, she had sometimes secretly wished for the force to join them, just so that she could see his face. Master Luke would, of course, say that these emotions, that any emotions, were inappropriate for a Jedi. Rey recited the words over and over, as best as she could remember them, though no amount of repetition thus far made her believe them. "No emotion, only peace; no ignorance, infinite knowledge; no passion, serenity; no chaos, no death, only the Force."
Beneath the stairs, a small hatched hissed open, Rey tensed for only a second, before realizing it was only a medical droid.
Zipping over to her, a blue light scanned her face. "Bandage removal not recommended." It beeped.
"Sorry, I wanted to see how bad it was. Can you fix it?"
The droid sprayed a clear solution over the wound, which stung before using its pronged hands to place a new black steri strip over her temple. The droid changed each of her bandages, read her vital signs, and updated its patient recovery log.
"By the way, can you tell me where we are? Is this a First Order ship? Is Klyo Ren aboard?"
"My directive is to treat wounded patients. I have no knowledge of other systems."
"But this is a First Order ship, right?"
"My directive is to treat wounded patients. I have no knowledge of other systems."
"I guess you can't really help me then." She said as it zipped away, exiting the room from the same hatch under the stairs which it came.
No sooner had the droid departed that the main door hissed open, and Kylo Ren finally appeared. As Rey rose from the couch, he removed his helmet, a curtesy he always showed in their shared force visions since the day he had his mask rebuilt with red alloy. He had clearly just returned from some battle; his hair was greased with sweat and clothes covered with dirt. He moved towards her and in one fluid motion, dropped his helmet on the couch and enclosed her in his arms. His embrace, protective yet still gentle, made the room feel warmer, and her heart beat slower. Even though Rey kept her arms at her side, all the pain of the past few days seemed to dissolve as she listened to the rhythm of his breath and breathed in his smell. Soon, her shoulders dropped, her brow relaxed, and leaning her head on his heart wished that they could have arrived at this moment the day he killed Snoke, and not now, months later. So much pain could have been spared.
Kylo Ren broke their silence first. "How long have you been awake?" he asked.
"A couple of hours. How long have I been here?"
"I brought you here four days ago."
"Why here? Why to your chambers?"
"You went to the medical bay first. But, you were tossing around like crazy, they were ready to strap you down to the table. I didn't want you to wake up to that…to be afraid…I didn't want you to feel like a prisoner again. Whenever I was with you, you were…calmer in a way, I had you brought here because I thought it might help you feel safe, both while you slept and when you woke up."
Allowing her arms to return his embrace, Rey relished in the warmth growing in her. She didn't care at all that he smelled of the battlefield, that his brow glistened with sweat, nor that her clean sleeping clothes were undoubtedly filthy now. She wanted to be present, in this moment, with him. Taking a step back, he touched his leather glove to her cheek, drawing her gaze to his. "I'm exhausted. I need a shower and some sleep, but after that, I want to know everything."
"Everything?"
"How you were captured, how you destroyed the resistance base, how you connected us through the force,"
"Woah! Hold on a minute!" Rey interrupted. "Destroyed the resistance base?"
"Yeah, Poe Dameron said you blew the place to hell. Saved me a lot of trouble trying to snuff them out."
"What? I would never! Why would you say something like that?!" she shoved him away. The last thing she could remember before being captured was just running her training course, the same she had done any other day. She remembered feeling increasingly "off," but just assumed that it was because she was tired and in pain over Kylo Ren's stubborn pride that he would not return to the light. She had no memory of even leaving the resistance base, let alone destroying it. "Palpatine, it must have been Palpatine. We have to go, we have to go there and help!"
"Rey – that was nearly a week ago. With any luck, anyone who did make it out of there alive has scattered to the wind."
"Ben, your mother was at that base! We have to…" she started to sob. "We have to do something!"
Pulling her back into his arms, Rey struggled to resist, but in her weakened state was no match for his strength. Kylo Ren ran his arm up and down Rey's back as he tried to calm her. "My parents died a long time ago Rey. So did yours. Han, Luke, Leia none of them are ever going to fill the void your parents left. Stop searching for them. Let it go, or your obsession is only going to keep causing you pain."
"My obsession?" she sniffled this time, succeeding in pushing him away. "What about yours? Your crazy obsession with Darth Vader, with ruling the entire galaxy, with killing everyone who has ever given a damn about you!" her voice had elevated to shouting.
"Are you serious, I mean, are you really fucking serious?!" he shouted back. "My parents gave me to Skywalker, Skywalker tried to kill me, and until his last breath, Han Solo died defending that man! My mother, my own mother, forgive her brother in an instant for trying to murder her son! My parents never gave a damn about me! Skywalker never gave a damn about me! So forgive me if I don't exactly give a shit about them!"
Rey's core flooded with emotion. She had hoped, had wanted, to be reunited with Ben Solo, but instead had found herself in the presence of the sith that Snoke had so perfectly crafted. Nothing about him had changed. As much as she wanted to fight for Ben's soul, to pull him back to the light so that he could be free of his pain, and she, wholeheartedly, could latch onto him, she could not risk the pain and temptations that came with being near Kylo Ren. If there was no hope of turning him back to the light side of the force, then Kylo Ren, much like Snoke and Palpatine, had to be killed. Else, he would destroy the galaxy. If Rey did not stop him, the destruction, the split blood, would be just as much on her hands. Still, as easy as it would have been for her to kill Snoke or Palpatine, she never wanted to actually be the one to end Kylo Ren's life, for she predicted that the guilt of such an act would be too much for her. In the last few months, she felt it best to let Kylo Ren dig his own grave and hoped that some other resistance pilot would shoot him down for her.
"Thank you for saving me, truly, but I can't stay here with you. I'm going back to the resistance base." She turned her back to Kylo Ren, heading for the main door.
"Rey, I'm not letting you leave." At those words, Rey stopped dead in her tracks before pivoting around.
"Letting me?" Rey seethed. "I'm not one of your mindless soldiers that you can just order around!"
"I am the Supreme Leader of the First Order, you are aboard my command ship. Which, by the way, I brought you to after I fucking saved you!"
"I thanked you for that! What more do you want?!" her body tensed, ready to fight him if need be.
"Right now?! Right now, I want you to calm the fuck down so I can get some fucking sleep! But more than that, Rey, you! I want you! I want you to join me, to lead with me, and to be mine. And not because I am forcing you to, but because deep down we both know it's what you really want. I've been in your head Rey, I know all of your hopes and your fears and your desires. And you know them too, but for some fucking reason, you won't ever admit any of them! You wanted to take my hand Rey, I saw it when I touched your freezing hand. You thought you were going to die. And, only then, only then, were able to admit, even in your own head, that you wanted to. These last few months, you wanted to take it all back, to have stayed with me."
Rey's voice shook beneath her sobs. "I never wanted your hand. I wanted to take Ben's hand. But he's gone. I don't want to be with you. I want nothing to do with you! I hate you! I hate you for all of it!" she screamed. Rey felt a surge of power in her bones before she realized she could no longer feel her body. It was as if her every muscle had gone numb and yet her feet were taking steps that her brain had not commanded.
"My dear child, you had hoped that this man was the key to saving you from your loneliness, but you were wrong. He will bring you only pain. He will bring destruction to the entire galaxy. Kill him now, end the pain and turmoil he has over you, protect the galaxy. Remind him that you are stronger than him and that you answer to no one."
Her eyes glowed red, and with a raise of her hand, had used the force to pull Kylo Ren's lightsaber clean off his belt and to her waiting fingers. Within an instant, the blade ignited as she thrust it toward him. Even in his weary state, he dodged all of her strikes. They had fought each other before, but Kylo Ren always sensed her hesitation to actually hurt him, but not now. As he sensed her intentions, the only image in her head was that of his body on the floor, hacked to pieces. He spun his foot between Rey's feet, knocking her down.
As she sprung upright once more, Kylo Ren noticed that something was amiss. This was not the way Rey moved in hand-to-hand combat. This was not her footwork nor her typical technique. Rey was small, she always struck upwards towards her enemy, why now was try always trying to strike down? These moves were for someone taller and with twice her physicality.
Charging towards him again, with rage spewing from the depths of her throat, Kylo Ren felt Rey's power swell. She was utterly consumed by the dark side now, but not in the way that he had always desired. He had only ever wanted to help her, to help rid her of her pain and her loneliness, to help her learn to control her powers, and most recently, to help her embrace her passion and desire for him. Usually, her soul was flooded with all of these thoughts, but now, there was only one….hatred.
As she shot by him, he grabbed her wrist and swung her around into a hold, clutching her fighting arm behind her back. He probed her mind and saw that her fears had been exaggerated with false images placed in her head. But not just her fears…Kylo Ren's as well. When he had transferred some of his life force to her, he allowed her to know his deepest terrors. Now, both their fears led to her anger, her hanger to hate, and in her hatred, she suffered. Hatred for Kylo Ren for depriving Rey of the future she sought, one where they could be together in the light. Where she had saved his soul from the dark side, and he had saved her from ever lingering isolation. In her mind, she was still so alone, mistakenly believing that the only reason Kylo Ren saved her from Palpatine was to use her power for his own agenda. In her twisted thoughts, the second Rey was no longer useful, he would casually discard her the way he had Snoke. These thoughts were not hers, just as her mind was not hers.
Kylo Ren recognized his own thoughts being manipulated as he imagined himself striking Rey down and, in doing so, was finally free of all the suffering he had ever felt. He released his connection to Rey, shaking the hallucination from his mind. He had felt this presence before when he received a blast of electric shock from Rey's frozen hand while she was still captive—Palpatine!
"Rey—what you see in your head, it isn't real! He's manipulating you, the way Snoke manipulated me. Fight him, Rey!"
"Heh, heh, heh, foolish boy. She can't hear you. She will strike you down unless you kill her first." Palpatine's voice seemed to reverberate throughout the room.
Biting down on Kylo Ren's arm, Rey managed to stun him just long enough to break free of his grasp before knocking him to the floor with the force. Pulling his ignited saber to her hand once more, she launched at him only to have her body move unexpectedly as Kylo Ren used his own power to pull her body down on top of his own. Rolling over her, he locked her hands to the floor with his own and heard words, her own words, blaring in her skull.
I'm nothing, and I'll die as nothing! I'm nothing, and I'll die as nothing! I'm nothing, and I'll die as nothing! I'm nothing, and I'll die as nothing! I'm nothing, and I'll die as nothing! I'm nothing, and I'll die as nothing! I'm nothing, and I'll die as nothing! I'm nothing, and I'll die as nothing! I'm nothing, and I'll die as nothing! Nothing! NOTHING! NOTHING! NOTHING! NOTHING!
Staring into her eyes, Kylo Ren tried again to reach the scavenger girl buried deep beneath this puppet.
"Remember what I told you, Rey. You're not nothing, not to me. When we fought in the forest, I offered to teach you the ways of the force. I spent years driving everyone out of my life, but I wanted to invite you in. The more the force connected us, the more we both saw that we are one and the same. We share pain, Rey, and we both want to save each other from it. The day we touched hands, you came for me, to save me from Snoke. Just as I came for you when you called out to me." She clenched her eyes shut, turning away from him. He leaned over to whisper in her ear. "I'll always come for you, Rey. You don't have to fight him alone, I'm here with you. I'll always be here with you." With those words, Kylo Ren placed a tender kiss on her cheek.
Deep in the recesses of Rey's mind, the warmth that grew whenever she was near Ben began to spark. Sensing her resistance building, Palpatine tried harder to keep control of her mind. "He lies! He didn't come to save your life, he came to claim my power. He keeps you locked away in his own private chambers so that he may better control yours. He promises you love, but still knows you to be the bemired daughter of filthy junk traders. He will not allow his noble bloodline to be tarnished with such trash. Don't give in to this deception, kill him now!"
Her agitated body fought Palpatine's possession and convulsed wildly beneath Kylo Ren's grasp as he struggled to keep her pinned to the floor. "It's not real, Rey; you know it's not real. I knew you were the scavenger daughter of junk traders. I knew before I ever offered you my hand. I don't care about your past, I told you to let it die, just as I had let mine die. I care about you, Rey, more than I have cared for any other person in my entire life. I wasn't going to let Snoke kill you, I won't let Palpatine either." He released one of her wrists in order to probe her mind once more. Though she repeatedly struck him, he concentrated on executing a mind trick of his own. He remembered the peace in his soul at the moment he touched Rey's hand for the first time; the fear in his mind at the thought of losing her as he held her dying body in his arms; the longing in his heart for her to take his hand; the relief in his eyes at the sight of Rey, alive and awake standing before him just minutes ago; the sacrifice he made to give some of his life to save her.
Gasping in all the air her lungs would allow, Rey cleaved to Kylo Ren's visions. With love blossoming in her heart, providing her strength, she released from her hate; and with it, Palpatine's control on her mind. Ben Solo was not gone, not entirely. Pieces of him still existed in Kylo Ren and were brought out in Rey's presence. So long a she remained with him, there was light in him, there was hope in him, which in turn brought Rey hope. The red in her eyes dissolved into bloody tears, leaving rusty streaks down her cheeks as they fell to the floor. With a final sob, she told Kylo Ren that he was hurting her. Sensing that she was, in fact, Rey once more, he released her wrist and collapsed to the floor as he rolled beside her, keeping his eyes affixed on her. Turning her body toward him, Rey pressed herself along his body and took his hand, enclosing it in both her own, keeping it safely tucked into her chest. It was mere minutes before exhaustion overtook, and with the quiet calm in their souls of knowing the other was there, they gave in to sleep.