Chapter: 2 Pat's First Mission
Watchpoint Gibraltar was nothing like Pat's Bakery. It sucked absolute ass because it didn't have any donuts or shelves or even an oven. Pat had a permanent frown as the Overwatch jet landed on the landing pad. While everyone else just walked off the ramp, Pat performed a quintuple backflip to express his discontent.
"I know you're still upset about your bakery," Mercy told Pat. "But Overwatch is your home now."
"Yeah, get used to it." Soldier intoned.
Pat didn't like how Soldier 76 spoke to him so he ripped his mask off. Once Soldier's face was revealed he ran away crying to his room. Now he'd have to order another one from Amazon and be out of commission until it arrived.
"The Omnics will pay for their crimes," Pat growled while crunching toast in his fists.
"But it's not just Omnics." Winston the gorilla gorillaed. "The evil organization Talon is also out doing bad things."
"Bad things," Pat reiterated and grit his teeth. "I hate bad things. Where are they?"
Mei typed away at a computer until it made beeping noises and showed them where they had to go. She then pointed to th screen as if no one in the room had eyes of their own. "Talon is causing trouble in Egypt," she said. "They're logging into everyone's Facebook and deleting their birthdays so no one will get birthday notifications."
"THOSE PIECES OF SICKENING TRASH!" Pat screamed so loud that every window in the base shattered. His shockwave carried on across the waves and sank entire fishing freighters in the Mediterranean Sea.
"We'll leave immediately," Soldier 76 assured. He got a new mask so quickly because he used Amazon Prime shipping. They flew off to Egypt in pursuit of Talon, stopping only twice on the way. The first stop was to buy discounted postcards to send to their friends and family. Pat didn't buy any because 1. He wasn't a total cheapo and 2. he had no friends and family. The second stop was to pick up another member of the Overwatch team.
BLINK BLINK ZIPPITY ZOOP ZOOP
Tracer sped from the ground and jumped onto the jet. "Cheers loves!" she announced. "The cavalry is here."
"Sup," said everyone except Pat. Pat didn't like her because her leggings made her butt look nicer than his. This petty jealousy was rooted in the fact that Pat was voted flattest butt in his High School superlatives. Since then he woke up at 3am every morning to perform 400 squats while simultaneously baking bread. It was the only way to get buns...while making buns.
"Meet Pat," Mercy said.
"Cheers, Pat." Tracer greeted. "Are ya ready to stop Talon in Egypt?"
Pat the Baker glared at Tracer. "Just because we're teammates doesn't mean we're teammates." he hissed.
"I got you a pair of leggings," she added.
"GIMME," Pat groaned. He equipped the titanium leggings and his gluteus became ultra maximus. So much so, that Mercy fainted from her ultra anime nosebleed and crashed into Soldier 76. He lost control of the jet as it spiraled towards Egypt.
"I can't keep her steady!" Soldier roared.
He didn't have to say anything else as Pat smashed through the cockpit window. He slathered his palms in vanilla custard and smacked them against the jet's nose. "HOLD ON," Pat started to screm. The heat was intensifying as the jet shattered through the earth's atmosphere and crashed into the Cairo desert. Pat diverted all power to his ankles and thighs as he held the plane to keep it from exploding. He then gently set it down like a cookie, fresh out of the oven.
"Nice save," Soldier said only to get sniped in the face.
"It's Talon!" Tracer warned while missiles, torpedoes, grenades, bullets, rockets, nuclear pipe bombs, WD40 rained from above.
Everyone took cover as the evil enemies of darkness advanced on their position. Pat didn't waste time and sprinted across the sands. He dove into a dune and swallowed its contents. Suddenly, Pat began to glow white and evolve into Sando-Pat.
"My god," soldier coughed through his bullet wound. "It's Sando-Pat. The ultimate form of desert baker."
"In his desert form," Tracer explained. "Pat can absorb thrice the amount of damage and bake double the amount of treats. His health increases ten fold!"
"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" a Talon soldier screamed before being buried alive in jelly-filled donuts.
Pat stomped across the desert, hurling pyramids at Talon reinforcements until a bullet struck his chest. It was the same bullet that headshot Soldier. A bullet...of...a...Widow...MAKER. The French sniper sat perched in her crows nest, ready to fire again. "OO LALA," she whispered. "Pat the Baker shall be mine to kill." With another powerful shot, she was able to revert him back to his normal form.
Pat struck with ground with a resounding KAFLOOGY FLOOGY. Winston threw up a shield around the baker while he slowly got up. "We have to defeat Widowmaker." Winston said before getting sniped through his shield.
"There's only one way to do it," Pat said. "But we need to retreat."
"NO!" Soldier whimpered. "WE CAN'T. OVERWATCH DOESN'T GIVE UP."
Pat clenched his mustache. "I swear in the name of pastry goddess Belvita, I am not giving up. But I have a plan and you have to trust me. Otherwise the Window Marker will kill us all."
Soldier sighed and answered, "K."
"Winston," Pat ordered. "I know you got shot but keep Widowmaker busy. Mei keep making walls. Mercy and Tracer...COME WITH ME."
Winston got shot 3,456 times. Mei made so many walls, Donald Trump filed a lawsuit for copyright infringement. MEANWHILE, Pat Naruto ran to the temple of Anubis. He carried Tracer and Mercy on each of his shoulders because he was a gentleman and they were tired. He also ordered Uber eats for everyone so and tipped the driver $683.21.
"Zoinks, Why are we at this ancient place, love?" Tracer asked.
"Because a new bakery must be forged." Pat proclaimed as he stomped at the ground. One of the Anubis statues collapsed from the shockwave and Pat collected the pieces. He proceeded to build an ancient oven from the rubble and told the ladies to stack bricks around it. While they finished the foundation, Pat launched himself towards the sun to speak with the Egyptian god of the sun, Ra. "LIGHT MY OVEN PLEASE!" he begged.
"WHYYYYYYY," Ra wondered.
"Because the Widowmaker and the rest of Talon threatens Facebook."
Ra cared not for the mortal's concerns, for he only used Instagram. Nevertheless, he feared one day Talon would spam his DMs so he offered to help. He sent an eternal fireball down to ignite Pat's oven.
"YES!" Pat cheered while Tracer and Mercy high-fived. Because he saw how happy they were, Ra also gave the trio each their own Gameboy Advanced SP. But gaming would have to wait, because WIDOWMAKER had to be defeated.
"Goodness, Pat." Mercy wondered. "Time is running out. What are we going to bake?"
"Time is never running out when you're with me," said Pat as he winked at Mercy. When he winked, the twinkle in his eye caused several new galaxies to form outside of the Milky Way. Mercy watched, completely awestruck as Pat went to work in the ancient oven. After 36 hours of sweltering heat and agonizing toil, Pat's creation was complete. He boxed it up in a pink package with lavender wrapping paper and gave it to Tracer. Exhausted from his efforts, Pat collapsed into Mercy's arms. Now, they had to wait.
The battle raged on as Widowmaker continued to shoot Winston. "Can't...hold...much...longer." Winston said as he got shot for the 12,472nd time.
He wearily texted Reinhardt and Brigitte: Dying. Where r u? Come help pls.
Mei built her last wall and sighed. "That was my last wall," she admitted before Widowmaker shot her. "We can't win."
"CHEERS!" Tracer said. "She arrived wearing an uber eats uniform and sped all the way up to Widowmaker's position. "I'm looking for a Ms. Maker first name Widow?"
"Sacre bleu!" Widowmaker said. "That's me!"
Tracer handed her the pink package. "Your uber eats meal is here."
"I am starving," Widow admitted and opened the box.
When she did, Pat's fist came through an enchanted, teleportation donut. It uppercutted her four miles into the sky, clearing the way for Overwatch forces to move up.
"It worked!" Tracer cheered.
"You did it!" Mercy cheered and kissed Pat's cheek. He didn't react. "I'm sorry."
"No," he grumbled. "It's my past. I can't love because my pain is too great. My fight is too-"
"OVERWATCH!" an EVIL voice howled. Everyone looked up to see a dark figure looming from the shadows. "You think this is over because you have a new teammate. You all suck. And he sucks too."
"It can't be," Soldier coughed. "Gabriel Reyes?"
"That was my bitch name," he replied. "My cool name is REAPER and everyone here is gonna call me that or I'll kill them."
"No," Pat mumbled.
"What did you say?" Reaper asked while turning down his headset. He had Bring me to Life playing full blast.
"I said no!" Pat roared. "I am Pat the Baker and I think you're the one who sucks. Prepare to die."
"I can't die if you die first," Reaper answered.
PAT THE BAKER launched himself towards his powerful enemy as he prepared for the fight of his life.
TO BE CONTINUED IN...PAT THE BAKER VS REAPER