Howl at the Moonless Sky
Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if we had met under different circumstances that day. What if you were the hunter and I was the prey? Would we still be chasing each other's tails, and pretending like the spark drawing us together that night wasn't fate?
You could have listened, fled as I commanded, but you didn't. After Goya was defeated, you could have gone about your business without care, but you stayed. Was it selfish of me to think that it was because you wanted to be by my side?
Where you've been ever since?
A fierce lioness, and a mysterious wolf…
Do they have any place in a pack if they're not together?
I wanted you to be the one, my perfect partner, but we just couldn't synchronize. Everyone has that one person who they work with better than anyone else.
Mine was Tatara.
Just because yours hadn't returned to your side yet didn't mean that you were alone.
Good things come to those who wait, no? So, let's wait.
For just a little while longer…
September 10th, 2010 11:26 pm
The sky was black, and it was all that Saburōta could see to either side above him. Well, that and his subtle panting breath in the cold wind as he laid on the flat of his back, looking up at the moonless atmosphere. His heart rate was strenuously high, but soon, the knocking against his chest began to decelerate like a clock running short on battery power. The hefty tick was subsiding, returning to normal after a lifetime of exhaustion beneath what felt like a jackhammer. Of all places to collapse, he probably could have picked a better one, but that just happened to be where he fell, and he had no intention of moving anytime soon. And it was nobody's business as to whether or not he felt he was capable.
The new moon's phase still hadn't entirely passed yet, and outside of the glow Shizume City reflected upon the vast abyss, there wasn't much more than a couple of delicate star speckles marking that anything was hanging above him at all. From his perspective, he'd slipped into a cold, dark void between worlds, and if it weren't for the constant pressure at his back, he might have lost the sensation of consciousness. Half-lidded eyes tapered their sights behind shady discs as he began to catch his breath. Here we go again, was all he could think. Just like that, he was a damsel in need of rescuing, and who better to save him than his sadistic queen.
The consideration chased a bitter groan from within his aching chest through his contemptuous smile as he puffed out a particularly humid breath. "Pathetic."
The sound of his voice was husky, and he knew that it wouldn't take much more to cause his grinding teeth to snap around the impending tantrum. The night around him had grown still, but the silence only reminded him of his failure. It wasn't that he intended on stumbling across a known enemy of HOMRA all on his lonesome, or even that he meant to interfere. Still, he couldn't deny that if it wasn't for Neirah prowling the scene of her own volition, he might've been in serious trouble.
Saburōta's fingertips twitched with a breath of life as he laid prone with his arms stretched to either side of him. His ears were cold, alerting him that his hood had bunched behind his shoulders with his collapse. The sweat glistening against his nape hadn't helped him banish the chill in the slightest, certainly not at the elevation in which he broke the constant seasonal breeze with his body against the rooftop.
And the sky was so black.
Nearby, Saburōta was alerted to the sound of Neirah's delicate new high-heeled boots clicking along the roof towards him. He could feel the vibrations of her delicate weight in his nerves as his anxiety piqued, but before she was near enough for him to see, he closed his eyes entirely. It was difficult for him to face her, wallowing in self-pity when he pretended like his failures didn't bother him any other day.
She was a take-charge kind of woman, and ever since the day they'd met, he had struggled to keep up. All he'd ever wanted was to prove to her that he could be of use. He could keep her safe when danger neared. He knew he could… somehow. But no matter how much he gave, she always managed to pull through with little to no aid from the likes of him. Factually, the evidence tended to point clearly to the deduction that he made things worse, in one way or another. It was humiliating. Whenever they managed to get in too deep next to each other, he always ended up playing the victim. The lion still managed to come out on top of the wolf.
"Bandō, baby, what exactly is it you're doing all the way up here?"
He didn't face where she tipped her nose towards his resting place, her hair spilling in soft ripples around her face as she pouted. Even still, the pressure of her focussed concern made his heart flutter to the sound of her worry rolling sweetly off her tongue. Baby. Her poor, sweet, Wolf-kun.
"Waiting to die." Saburōta thought that he might be capable of sounding a little more sarcastic. Unfortunately, when he rumbled the cynical retort, he could hear the bitter rasp hardening his tone unintentionally dryly. Understanding how dramatic he'd sounded, he attempted to correct his tone with a bashful groan. "Maybe…"
Neirah's chortle of amusement was nothing short of melodic as she tittered away above him and adjusted her blowing hair over her ear so that it didn't blind her to his suffering. "Maybe?"
"Yeah…"
Neirah cocked a brow and watched his fingertips dance a second time in the harsh gust tearing across their elevation. "You don't sound so sure," she friskily meddled. She could see the goosebumps rising the skin on his sloppily exposed forearms, and a part of her yearned to offer him comforting warmth. "Are you cold?"
Disappointment festered as her expression dimmed sullenly, her consideration interrupted by the calm crimson glow of his aura banishing what she thought was a chill. When he heard her tone flatten with impatience, he took the opportunity of her distraction to cover up the unrelated marks of his timid unease.
"Very funny," she murmured tediously.
Settled somewhere between miserable and hopeful, Saburōta tried his hardest to figure out what he was looking for that night. If he didn't want her pity, he was doing a piss-poor job of reassuring her. Then again, maybe part of his tired mind wanted to open to her about his struggle, yearning to tell her how brightly she shone in comparison to the moonless sky.
The night he'd first laid eyes on her, he was terrified. She burned with the heat of a thousand suns with eyes as cold as the darkest moon. She was confident, radiant, and when he watched Goya Eiko's hand threaten to extinguish that untameable spirit beneath his palm, time in his world stood still. He'd acted before he'd had the chance to consider the consequences of his interference, but he couldn't accept that they were a consequence just yet.
Behind the protection of his sunglasses, he slowly opened his eyes, staring up into the sight of her curiosity. It was quite evident that he shouldn't have. That ascertained when he felt the heat in his cheeks dust his fair skin with rouge beneath his frames. It wasn't the first time he'd indulged from behind the reassuring shield, but every time he did, the feelings inside him choked his words and made him remember why she was untouchable.
She was a fantasy, a fiery warrior queen with boiling blood and nerves of steel. During quiet moments, his favourite thing was to sneak a dive into the deepest part of her oceanic gaze. He couldn't see the city lights beneath them, but they reflected off glassy irises like gems made of refractive crystals, and somewhere from within, a blazing tsunami thrashed inside the wild spirit contained.
In that regard, her eyes reminded him of the full moon's brilliance that was missing that night in the crisp September air. Tsukiyo. He rarely repeated it outside of his heart's comprehension, but he felt it every time she looked at him. Her eyes were a moonlit sky and pierced him even when she didn't realize that he was watching. Outwardly, they displayed the serene, poised majesty of a lion, but somewhere deeper than she let anyone see, there was something else. It was lean, frail, even, as it timidly waded through the frosty waters of her gaze as they deepened from withholding all the tears she never cried.
He'd seen it a couple of times. The most notable occurrence was the night he watched the colossal surge of emotion beat against exhausted eyelids before she lost consciousness and disappeared into a night not much different than this one. Trouble arose, and as usual, he couldn't protect her from it. The pressure of his failures caused his fingers to clench into a fist against the concrete beneath him before he realized that such an effort wouldn't escape her notice.
When he perceived that she began to crouch by where his head rested on the rooftop, his heart began to thunder with terror, and before he could part his lips to interject, she was removing his comforting cover to expose his guilty gaze to hers.
"Wolf-kun."
From where he laid, the weight of his chest became overbearing as he tried to keep it from trembling around his hastened breaths. There was nowhere left for him to hide, and superficially avoiding the consideration would be rude. Neirah's smile was gentle, but he could see it clear as day in her tender eyes, fluttering about with keen interest before diving back beneath the surface of rippling waves. That beast was far from a lion, but hard to pin down, and he couldn't help feeling like it carried with it secrets of its own.
Jostling himself from his thoughts, he choked down a dry swallow and relaxed his clenching palm to free her of her suspicions. "W-why did you say it like that?"
Neirah's cheeks dusted pink above each corner of her delighted smile. "It's been two years, and you still act strange."
A bitter groan narrowly stifled within his throat as his trodden expression filled with disdain. "You mean like a lone wolf?"
"Is that not strange?" she instigated musically. "When you have so many friends to keep you company?" She finally released his diverging gaze and tilted her chin towards the moonless sky. "I would tease you for coming up here to howl at the moon if there was a moon to howl at."
Saburōta's body ached with yearning as he watched her scour the empty heavens, unaware that she was all the light he'd ever really cared to appreciate. Otherwise, he didn't mind putting a shade over the world to dim its commercial splendour. He might have surrendered his identity entirely if she promised to be there to illuminate the shadows of his past every waking hour. And the pressure increased as she lingered. He felt the words struggling to burst through his aching chest cavity for escape as he locked his lips tightly around a tense expression marking his desperate struggle. He didn't care. He couldn't care. Casual disenchantment was the key to turning her head, as observed by her uncanny attraction to Saruhiko. So, in a frantic effort, he tried his hardest to mirror the detachment.
Tsk.
That was a mistake, and Neirah made sure he comprehended it the moment she burst out laughing. "Did you just scoff at me?!"
The pigment in his cheeks intensified. "Ah… maybe…?"
Neirah's stomach flopped with her frustrations before she quietly surrendered to his sheepish sneer. If nothing else, she wished that he would look at her again. She gently set his glasses down behind her, careful fingertips quietly dusting the surrendered frames as her eyes silently begged his consideration.
Every time she saw his eyes, she felt lost, but without any desire to return. Regularly, the feelings tumbling around inside her began to spill over, and she acted like a giddy schoolgirl secretly crushing on the cutest boy in school. It was the girliest she'd ever been. In a way, she was relieved when he turned away. It made her feel less guilty for blushing madly at her thoughts.
It started the day they'd met. Eiko had his hand around her head, preparing to crush it beneath unfeeling fingertips when her handsome hero had taken a stand against the beast to threaten her even before he touched Mikoto's flame. There had been a time when it upset her to realize that he would become a permanent fixture in her life. She'd never prepared for him, and the feelings to tag along with his inauguration. And they were feelings that Tatara had picked up on almost instantly, in part.
She'd learned to obscure them, generally speaking, but there were still quiet moments when they were alone that she thought her heart was going to leap out of her chest, and she was back to the bashful schoolgirl in need of rescue. She would helplessly submit if she thought he'd defend her, but most days, he just didn't seem interested.
Regardless of her prominent blush, Neirah reached to steal the hat from his crown flirtatiously. She settled it on her brow, laying her head near his while her arms spread wide in opposition. Still, hope fluttered her racing heart as she considered his uncertainty. Maybe, deep down, they still had a chance. "You're not sure of much tonight, are you?"
Saburōta swiftly peeked his peripherals over his shoulder, watching her crawl across the rooftop before flopping down in a position that mirrored his own. He had lost sight of her entirely, but she was still near. Unlike days past, he could feel her heat as her hair spilled wildly behind her, her sweet sakura fragrance lost on the breeze stirring the dishevelled bangs she'd revealed against his brow. It was a delicate and vulnerable aroma filled with femininity that he revelled in experiencing when she dared to let it show, even if it seemed somehow misplaced on the skin of their resident assassin.
The whispering wind carried secrets of his scent, reminding her of a quiet ocean. Fresh and sweet with hints of amber and driftwood. From during the time that she'd spent snooping among clansmen other than her roommate, she learned that it was his body wash, that he occasionally used on his hair when he showered. She knew that part because every time she stole his hat, his warming presence surrounded her.
As she drew the beak of his cap lower over her face to indulge, she parted her lips to sigh as quietly as she could, her dark lashes fluttering contentedly over her eyes. "Are you angry that I stole your mark?"
While he lingered contentedly in her soothing presence, his dusky gaze tapered on a moonless night above their heads. "No." What he wanted to remind her was that he'd nearly killed himself chasing after the target of which she spoke, but that didn't seem like it would be any better for his pride. "I'm sure you wouldn't want to get rusty, so I let you have this one. It's been a while since you've had any action, right?"
Neirah could feel the pressure of his regret at her back as her smile broadened, one brow cocking beneath his cap as she noted the sound of his palm striking his face. "Mn, that was very thoughtful of you."
A dull groan remained in his voice as he stifled his words behind his palm. "Yeah."
Silence stole them for a long moment afterwards, and unfortunately, it wasn't as comforting as it started. The tension brewing between them was palpable, but neither of them knew what to do with the suffocating weight. It seemed strange that such a mass plagued them as they sat on top of the world, lost in the void of infinity and spiralling hand-in-hand towards tomorrow.
Say something. Saburōta's eyes shifted towards her palms laid upturned behind him. If he wanted to, her fingertips were within his reach. He could have stretched and used the unknown as his excuse to feel her soft skin against his. After a hard swallow nearly choked on the lump knotting his throat, he subtly inched his roaming fingertips back towards where he watched her rest. Just a little further and-
"Ahwooo~"
Saburōta quickly jerked his touch away, startled by the gentle hum Neirah howled into the night. He blinked, craning his head to one side against the concrete to try and catch a glimpse of her provocation. All he ended up facing was a soft cluster of auburn waves beneath his hat as she repeated her call through pursed lips.
"Ahwooooo~" Followed by a delicate snigger sounding through the fog of her breath.
He shimmied across the rooftop, his brow skeptically knotting as he shuffled into view of her bashful smile while it illuminated the night with her unyielding brilliance. He knew she would probably hate him for it, but he always felt more comfortable around her when he was pretending like all he saw was a supportive big sister. "A-ah… Onē-san? What are you doing?"
"Sorry. I was bored." Her smile remained as she continued to stare into the blackness, narrowly withholding her need to reprimand him for his address. "And I guess I wondered what it would be like."
He redirected his guilty gaze towards his corresponding side of the sky. "Wondered what what would be like?"
"Seeing things from a different perspective," she purred. "I'm so used to being a stealthy hunter that I never thought to consider what being a wolf might be like." She flopped her head to one side with a sheepish smile, trying to peek at his apparent bemusement. "I mark my territory in blood, but what if just raising my voice could accomplish the same thing? So, I'm telling predators to back off. This is my place, after all."
Despite the fond smile tugging his lips up to one side, Saburōta spat out a deceitfully derisive snort. "And I'm the one who's strange."
"Can we not be strange together?"
Neirah's calm rebuttal was hard enough for him to comprehend, but when she stretched her paws above her head and connected their fingertips, his breathing stalled in his chest entirely.
"Oops, sorry about that," she giggled. "I almost forgot you were back there."
He snapped his teeth around his bottom lip, hating that he'd reflexively retracted his hand away from her the moment they'd collided like her touch was unwelcome. The truth was, it sent a shockwave through his entire system, causing an uneasy chill to reinforce his need for her heat. He nearly gagged on the escaping pressure as he drew both palms to his brow and sank them into the vexed knot forming. It was all he could manage in stifling his need to scream.
"But I guess wolves only howl when there's a moon, right?" She almost seemed disappointed and slightly embarrassed at her theatrics. She always managed to act just a little bit childish when he was around, filled with a brand of confidence that she wasn't sure how to handle. "Lions don't know much about these things."
"M-maybe, they don't do it just because of the moon."
Gently humming her curiosity, Neirah rolled her head to one side like something new had popped onto the horizon to observe. "Well, you're the wolf."
Her casual approach to the conversation intimidated him. "No, I mean… well, maybe-"
"There's that maybe again. Minutiae, Bandō, baby," she teased spiritedly. Noticing that he was flustering, distinguished by the sounds of his muffled shuffling, she smiled and relaxed at his back. "Why do you think they do it, then?"
Saburōta's gaze tapered as he stared thoughtfully towards the vast sky above him, feeling weighted even as the uplifting experience fought to warm his heart. "Maybe they just feel this unbearable pressure deep down somewhere, y' know?" He raised his hand out in front of him, comparing his fingers against the vast backdrop of the night before dropping the butt of his wringing fist against his chest with a hollow thump. "And they feel like, if they don't let it out, they're just gonna burst." He let his fingers gently spread as he removed his hand, mimicking the spew of fragmented sentiment scattering between them outside of her comprehension. "Boom. No more wolf."
On his reverse, Neirah's expression humbled with disdain. "How strange," she murmured sympathetically. "I always thought it was an inspiring sort of thing. I guess I never really thought of it in that way." But she could identify, be it as a lion or a mortal woman. She had often felt victimized by the same burden in which he spoke. "Maybe it's a bunch of feelings all at once. The thrill of their hunt, the anxiety of keeping their pack safe and warm, the joy of having somewhere to belong."
"Do you think that's why lions roar?"
Neirah's expression faltered, her heart racing out of her control as she clumsily searched for the return of his heat only to realize he'd retreated entirely. No matter where they went, they were always close but worlds apart. "Maybe it is," she calmly theorized. "Maybe that's why wolves and lions are so much braver than humans. When the happiness, anger and sorrow build too much, they just let it out in a sudden rush without fear of who might hear their suffering." Finally, she found it, the edge of his jacket, and she felt rooted again. "How sad."
The weight of his nervous disdain dampened his expression as he tilted to where Neirah had pinched his leather between her fingers, tugging on it lightly like the day he'd let hard fingers pry her away from him. The guilt struck like the hands at midnight, and he felt the pressure increase. Maybe life as a beast was easier, but they were far from their namesakes as they lingered between worlds with no way to escape the weight chaining both of them to opposing sides of the spectrum.
His jaw ached for how tightly he clenched it to keep his howling confession from racing to the surface from deep within burning lungs. Saburōta hated the pain, knowing that he was withholding feelings for her that he shouldn't have had in the first place, but no matter how badly it hurt, he couldn't bend. Such was the curse of mortality and the hurricane drawing them together. One wrong move and they might find themselves lost to the winds like the cries they couldn't unleash, their suffering for not. She was a fantasy, and anyone who wasn't brave enough to tell her what she meant to them wasn't man enough to love her.
A startled gasp rushed past his lips, reminding him of what it felt like to breathe again when she pressed her warm touch against his brow, holding him like she was checking for a fever. His eyes locked with hers, his dark skies reflecting her radiant moonlit orbs as she smiled down at him with choral hues in her tan cheeks just beneath her elegant tattoos.
He tipped his chin back, settling in her fixed sights uncertainly as she watched him from the support of her elbows. Even though she was upside-down in his view, he was so entranced by her beauty and confidence that he almost didn't comprehend her tender palm shifting to slide over his lips.
Her right elbow continued to brace her weight as she covered his mouth, her tender gaze narrowing with bashful contentment as she used her left hand to dust her unruly waves away from where she bowed. Despite her best efforts to hold them back, her hair still spilled around their faces as she leaned forward and touched her lips to the back of her hand while it rested against his face.
When she slowly slipped away, he seemed utterly bewildered in a way that she'd never seen him, and the way his breathing hastened might've suggested that she'd genuinely laid her lips against his. After making it a safe enough distance away from him that it didn't tempt her to try anything more daring in celebration, she playfully flipped out her PDA. When she did, she illuminated the screen to blind him to the mark of the hour that had just transcended midnight.
"Happy birthday, Wolf-kun."
A fantasy. In the infinite darkness stretching eternally behind Neirah's smile that night, he could see the possibilities as clear as day. Maybe all it would take would be the touch of his hand if he was only bold enough to reach for her. Parched panting against his ear as his teeth tasted her smooth skin, her gentle claws tracing the tension of his dedication. Early spring blooms rocking on the gentle tide against the warmth of a golden beach while two racing heartbeats finally released the building pressure, and they howled at the moonless sky together.
Before he could shake his thoughts to comprehend what he'd done, the scalding temperature of her skin against his index and middle finger startled him into retracting his hand as quickly as he'd laid the delicate touch against her cheek. All the while that he fought to conceal the goosebumps on his outstretched wrist, he wished that beast in her eyes hadn't looked so wounded.
In the end, all he'd managed to do was choke out his stunned appreciation. "T-thanks."
Neirah's heart sank, the feeling of his fleeting warmth racing through her veins to boil her blood for a single passing moment before she felt cold again. In part, she felt discouraged that her determination came off as a novelty, but that was also part of her assurance. It's what gave her the confidence to act so brazenly. Birthday kisses found all of her clansmen on their special day, but something about the one who started it all stained her heart with a shade of longing she'd never expected.
Unfortunately, all she could do was smile at him tenderly and whisper her submission as another year of effort went to waste. "You're welcome…"
Maybe life as a beast was easier, but they weren't beasts, so they were left to linger between worlds and play love's little games for a little bit longer.