Ciel hesitated with heavy tears welling up in his downcast eyes and knitted brows, "I… I can't remember much after... that, Dr. Michaelis."
The university's new psychiatrist, Sebastian Michaelis, was a very patient, refined, and understanding twenty-eight year man. He had quite a few patients make appointments with him that were struggling with their academic struggles, homelessness, domestic abuse, and any other personal issues.
Ever since Ciel made an emergency appointment the first day with Sebastian, he could trust him right away. Due to his own insecurities, the idea of trusting another person was foreign to him, especially since he had been swindle and betrayed more times than he could count.
"Take your time, Ciel. We still have ten more minutes," Sebastian informed gently, checking the gold watch on his wrist. Ciel nodded weakly, looking down at his trembling hands in his lap. Sighing deeply with a sniffle as he inhaled, he cleared his throat.
Ciel released a depressed exhale past his lips, although it shook slightly.
"Can… Can you sit by me?" He inquired sheepishly, tears drying up gradually. There were a few barely audible sniffles coming from him.
With subtle hesitation, Sebastian nodded with a barely noticeable shrug of his broad shoulders. They were both adults. After all, Ciel was on the verge of a meltdown. He leaned forward with ease, stood up from his seat, and walked over to the couch that was big enough to seat two people. He plopped down carefully next to Ciel.
There was a brief silence between them with the exception of random sniffles. Sebastian handed the younger male a gray box of tissues. Accepting them, Ciel blew his nose and continued discussing his haunting, blurred memory.
Splayed out on Alois' bone-chilling bed, Ciel lifted his head up with blurred vision. The fan swirled above, inducing vertigo. His vision was gradually sharpening. He groaned out from last night. He felt like literal death. It was comparable to a red Double Decker bus crashing into his dainty body and leaving him for dead.
His head was pounding unmercifully, his lips dully sore and chapped; his body dirty from last night's party and sticky sweat. Only small snippets of what happened were a constant blur. He couldn't remember exactly what happened, but felt uneasy. Quietly, he assessed any signs of ailments that he could feel right away.
My arse doesn't hurt…
"W...What time is it?" He panicked to himself, forcing himself out of his daze. A rush of adrenaline surged through his system, jaw clenching, and heart racing.
It was daylight. He missed his morning class along with half of his day class that started at 11:30.
Fuck, I'm so dead. I'm so dead. Kill me already… Fuck! His mind viciously bemoaned a great regret.
He cupped his heated forehead in resentment; instantly thinking of every negative outcome possible of what could happen to him.
"That's the third time that I have missed my classes," he lamented as if he was grieving his own death at his funeral. The death of his GPA. The death of his approval from his deceased parents.
They're probably rolling in their graves. They would be so disappointed in me.
Sighing out with another wave of restlessness, his eyes darted helplessly around for his rumpled up clothes from yesterday. Nearly losing hope after not finding it the first time, he passed by the crumpled up clothing and hastily dressed in them. Creeping out of the bedroom, he made a beeline through the small living room that led to the front door.
Sighing once again, but this time in pure relief, he seized in his steps after starting his way down the spiraling staircase. The nagging voice in his head bullied him all the way to where the shuttle bus was grumbling idly. Not to mention, as Ciel was boarding the shuttle bus, Alois and a couple of his friends were walking past the shuttle bus with booming laughter. Laughing at him.
"That was one week ago," Ciel explained in a solemn voice, twiddling his thumbs and avoiding eye contact with his psychiatrist, Dr. Michaelis. The maroon pillow appeared as if it were going to burst out by the thread. Sebastian had grown accustomed to the all too familiar quivers that happened after discussing another painful memory.
"Ciel," Sebastian hushed the student with a gentle hand on his shivering shoulder. "It might be best to make another appointment for next we-"
"N-No! Dr. Michaelis, are you giving up on me?" It was incredibly disheartening to hear Ciel in such an anguished mental state. He was leaning against Sebastian, shamefully grabbing onto his sleeves and choking back sobs. Sebastian glanced over his shoulder to the door with a small window. Privacy was crucial for all of his patients. He noted to himself that Ciel started visiting him last week; a few days after the traumatizing situation happened. This was his second visit since he nervously stepped into his office.
According to his previous small amount of notes, Ciel exhibited countless symptoms of anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. From the very start, Ciel was indeed a difficult challenge, but Sebastian was determined to treat the young man. He was determined to make his life more enjoyable and stable.
"I would never give up on you!" Sebastian swiftly remarked truthfully, almost defensively.
"Ciel," he calmly called out as he stood up, forcing Ciel to stand up as well. Sebastian held Ciel's hand and the other by the shoulder. Ciel blushed immensely as Sebastian effortlessly moved him to walk a few steps to the right and then to the left. Temporarily discombobulated and red puffy eyed, Ciel sniffled quietly as he was led by Sebastian's motions.
After walking around a little bit, Ciel's mind was distracted from his nightmarish thoughts and focused on awkwardly dancing around the office.
What is he doing? I feel awk-
"When you start to feel like you are losing control," Sebastian explained as he continued to whirl Ciel's dainty body around the office, "You have to start moving."
"M...Moving?" Ciel was beyond confused, slightly freaked out that his psychiatrist was dancing with him.
"Was anyone looking?" Ciel accidentally whispered to himself; blue eyes darting up at Sebastian with an obvious pink blush staining his pale cheeks.
He's tall… I didn't realize that before.
Ciel briefly forgot about the vivid, troublesome memories. At that moment, he was merely looking up into the empathetic, dark brown eyes with a tinge of crimson. His feet dragged slightly; his memorized movements were clumsy above the carpeted floor. Sebastian shared a goofy grin with Ciel, feeling quite relieved that he could ground him.
"I'm just sickened by the thought of it all," Ciel confessed quietly as Sebastian stepped backwards.
"I understand your situation and I'm here to help you." Sebastian honestly wanted to treat him and had made his diagnosis. Ciel was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and depression.
Nodding finally, Ciel allowed himself to be vulnerable with his psychiatrist. Part of him didn't want to reflect on his past, but Sebastian reassured him that their meetings would be confidential. No matter what was discussed between them. No matter what happened between them.
"Now," Sebastian started up, returning to his side desk to collect Ciel's folder of notes. "I will see you on Monday." Ciel deeply inhaled and released the breath, twisting around to gather his messenger bag on the couch.
"Try to avoid going to anymore of these college parties." Ciel wanted to follow his advice, but he knew that he would break under peer pressure. He wanted to be validated due to his insecurities. He wasn't exactly first picked in his past and now he was becoming more popular, which fueled his desires. It was a double edged sword though. It was a trigger. It was troublesome, but he wanted to take his chances.
"I will," Ciel lied, adverting his eye contact from Sebastian; avoidance written in his eyes. Sebastian could see right through his erroneous reply.
Quietly sighing, Sebastian scribbled down something, folded the note in half, and handed it to Ciel.
Before Ciel could question his actions, Sebastian interrupted. "Contact me if it's an emergency. I have never shared my number with any of my patients, so keep this between us."
Chewing on his bottom lip nervously, Ciel accepted the folded over paper, pocketed it, and then watched as Sebastian printed out more paperwork.
After signing his signature on both of the papers, he handed them to Ciel. "Here are two prescriptions. I sent it electronically to the university's pharmacy. Go right away after you make your next appointment and pick them up."
Ciel didn't want to take medicine. He was in denial. He wanted Dr. Michaelis' help, but would a pill really keep his crippling anxiety and nightmarish reality at bay?
"You need to follow my directions. Be honest with me, Ciel." Sebastian stated firmly as he guided Ciel out of his office.
After Ciel made his appointment for Monday, which was three days from today, he decided to follow his psychiatrist's instructions. He departed from the office, made his way down the hall, and headed for the dark, vacant stairwell.
Before he could push the door open to the outside world, he bumped into Alois and Claude. He muttered a quick apology, feeling his stomach turn upside down, and rushed away after hearing them call out his name. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with them. He knew that they would only trigger his anxiety and he was tired of showing them his weaknesses.
"Hey, Ciel!" Grell's voice echoed through the busy traffic of students bustling to their classes. William was by Grell's side, holding him around his slim waist as they passed Ciel by in the outside hallway leading to the university's pharmacy.
Ignoring their cries of his name, he scurried into the stout building and nervously surveyed the area. To Ciel's relief, there were no students around to judge him. There were two areas that read 'drop-off' and 'pick-up'. He remembered Sebastian informing him that he already sent the prescriptions, so he would only have to pick them up and pay for it.
"What's the date of birth?" The girl asked politely, looking at him as soon as her fingertips touched the keyboard.
"December 14, 1999." He mumbled just loud enough for her to hear. She typed in his birthday and proceeded to ask him additional questions.
"Last name?"
"Phantomhive?" He didn't mean to make his answer to sound like it was a question, but he assumed that he was already in the database. Loudly typing in the information, he grew weary before she pushed herself out of her chair and stood up to retrieve his medications in the back.
"Do you have any questions for our pharmacist?" Ciel nodded at her shyly and glanced over his shoulder at the sound of the glass door opening behind him.
Before she could turn to grab the pharmacist's attention, Ciel quickly changed his mind. He didn't want to be caught in here with another student watching or recognizing him. She appeared confused, but respected his decision.
"How much is it?" He asked, feeling his cheeks burn from embarrassment as the student stood behind him in line.
"Umm... Don't worry about it. It looks like it was already paid for in advance."
"Oh…?" He was surprised at Sebastian's generosity and grabbed the plastic bag that contained two bottles of noisy pills.
"If you have any questions, you can contact us at this number. Also, there is paperwork inside that will answer frequently asked questions." She smiled at Ciel and waved him off before calling the next person in line.
Ciel secretly stole a glimpse at the person behind him and sighed in relief. He didn't recognize the stranger.
Now to hurry back to my place.
The loud echoes of footsteps crashing against the pavement could be heard as he was focused on hibernating in his apartment for the remainder of the day. It was Friday and he didn't have another class until Monday. That meant that it was the weekend. The weekend. The non stop partying. The peer pressure. The drugs. The alcohol. The mysterious blurred memories after a black out.
Right as his left shoe made contact with the first step that led to his apartment, a strong hand seized him in place. He flinched at the voice that spoke up dangerously close to his ear.
"I tried to get your attention early and you ignored me. How rude, wouldn't you agree, Ciel?" Alois smirked in his words as he pulled Ciel backwards by the strap of his messenger bag on his back. Ciel wanted to fight back as he nearly lost balance from the force behind the tug of Alois' grip. Alois snickered at Ciel, licking his earlobe teasingly slow. Ciel felt sick to his stomach from the sexual harassment.
"Just leave me alone!" Ciel shouted out as Alois twisted him around to face him. Tears stung at his eyes as memories partially flooded back into his head.
"Well, aren't you so polite to greet me this way, Ciel." Alois said, lowering his eyes to stare at Ciel's frightened expression. He fastened a tight hold on Ciel's shoulder as he reeled out his cellphone. He tapped on the screen twice until the screen lit up. Ciel's face flashed with heart stopping horror. It displayed a vulgar image of him on Alois' bed. He was on his stomach, fully naked and passed out. Ciel shook his head furiously in shock.
"What the hell, Alois?!" He nearly screamed out loud as he tried to grab the cellphone with the incriminating photo of him.
"If you don't come to my party tonight, then I will share this image for everyone to see."
Ciel's face paled, expression dropping as his heart was in his throat, "Why would you do this to me?"
Alois ignored Ciel's question, knowing that he could be quite sadistic. "Be there at seven tonight. Oh, don't forget to bring your swimsuit this time, idiot."
Idiot? Idiot? This asshole! Ciel felt like reporting the blonde for hazing and blackmail.
Would that even be possible? Alois has so many friends that would cover for him and then beat the shit out of me.
He was officially stuck between a rock and hard place.
Silence was the only reply that Ciel could properly react with. Would Alois really black mail him like this? Alois didn't care about Ciel's reputation. No, he only wanted to get his way. What a cunning, spoiled brat.
Later that evening, Ciel sighed heavily. He dug in his pocket and pulled out his doctor's cell phone number. Part of him wanted to tell Sebastian about everything, but then he thought about the amount of power that Alois held over him. Deciding to enter the number in his phone, he hid the piece of paper in a safe place in his small desk that was positioned near a window. He watered his small plant that was situated on his windowsill and walked over to his small kitchen. He prepared the kettle to make a cup of Earl Grey.
He was in deep trouble.
Only two hours before seven and Ciel was on the verge of another panic attack. His slender fingers shook as he contemplated dialing Sebastian's number. He wanted to call him. He was alone, depressed, and scared out of his mind. He felt himself gradually losing his sense of reality. He needed Sebastian.
As soon as Sebastian answered his cell phone, he didn't need to ask who was calling him as soon as he heard the familiar voice of Ciel. However, he sounded unstable. Something was wrong.
"Ciel? What's wrong?" There was no reply. Moments of silence and a choked back sob occupied the conversation.
"What is your dorm's number?" Sebastian probed impatiently, urging Ciel to relay him any details of his current location. He knew it was unprofessional, but Ciel's life was important to him.
"Building H... n-number 201. I need… help, pl… please, Dr. Michaelis!" Ciel's voice and soul sounded broken and severely distressed. Sebastian informed Ciel that he would be over there in less than ten minutes and to remain strong for him until he arrived.