Author's Note: Warning! This chapter contains self harm and panic attacks.
Please read responsibly. For a detailed explanation of where these things will occur, please see the end notes.
I know I said Sunday, but I am awful at keeping things to myself when I'm excited about them *shrugs*. We've switched to Zoro's POV for this chapter, hence the warning for self harm and panic attacks. Because our sweet boy absolutely does not have proper coping mechanisms. Enjoy the angst, pain, and attempts at comfort below.
Chapter One: Zoro
Zoro wakes in a cold sweat, shooting up in bed, and gasps wildly. His gaze shoots around the room, searching for the danger that sends horror reverberating through his veins. Moonlight spills over the room, showing him rows of beds. Lumps sit under blankets, soft snores and steady breathing filling the room around his gasps. The air around him is cool, windows closed to hold in the heat.
He knows this room.
Alabasta. He's back in Alabasta.
Zoro's shaking hands shoot to his face. His left eye is open, scar missing. He moves his fingertips down the rest of his body. Many of his scars are gone. So are his muscles, every bit of strength he'd gathered over his time with Mihawk, stripped from him. But the bandages Chopper insisted on wrapping him in after the Battle of Alabasta are present.
Zoro's chest heaves. He looks around the room again, taking a moment to stare at each of his nakama's sleeping forms in turn. Usopp, his fingers unbroken and body free of holes, sleeps soundly in his bed, limbs thrown around as they often are. Nami's red hair is short again, falling across her intact face from where she's curled on her side. Chopper is curled at Usopp's side, fur smoothed down and untarnished by flames. The cook's limbs are all there. None of his legs appear broken and he breathes easily. None of the awful rasping from broken ribs, hands intact and not reaching out for Zoro.
Swallowing the vomit in his throat, Zoro forces the sounds from his mind and turns to the bed beside him. Luffy's snores rock the room. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, Zoro pushes himself up. His legs turn to jello when he tries to take a step forward. He falls to his knees beside Luffy's bed, fingers trembling as they tug back the blacket.
He has to see. Has to make sure.
There's no holes in Luffy's chest. No sizzling stink of flesh. Sabo's cries of rage and vengeance don't fill the air.
The world around them is quiet. Because Zoro is in Alabasta and the war is over.
He rests his head on Luffy's bed, tucking his arm into his teeth to stifle any noise, and fights back sobs. His nakama are safe. They're alive. And, even though Zoro failed them once, he can fix it now. He can fix it.
He will fix it.
"Zoro." Her voice is so soft he almost misses it.
His gaze snaps up to meet Vivi's. She stands on the other side of Luffy's bed, eyes watering with tears as she clutches a torn and stained ribbon.
"Yo," his voice trembles, hands shaking as he wipes the tears from his face.
Vivi crosses to the other side of the bed, kneeling beside him. "You're here?"
Zoro nods, unable to trust his own voice. Soft hands take his, squeezing tightly as she nods at him. Neither of them speak. There are no words for this. No right way to greet someone after this.
Another shuddering breath leaves Zoro's lungs and Vivi rubs his back. He shrugs out of her grip, eyes moving around the room. His swords sit beside his bed, patiently waiting. Wadou, Kitseu, and Enma. No, no Shusui. No, fuck, no. Yubashiri. Enma is in Wano now. And Shusui waits for him on Thriller Bark, around with one of his missing nakama.
"I'll be back," he tells Vivi.
"Zoro." Her voice wavers as he stands, moving to grab his sword. "Zoro, wait."
He ignores her, pushing open the door and making his way into the hallway. Vivi's light footsteps follow him, fingers catching around the sleeve of his shirt. The hallway around them sits empty, silent as the rest of the palace sleeps.
"Stop," she orders. "Where are you going?"
"I have to check something."
Her grip tightens as he tries to pull away. "Check in the morning. Zoro, you have to take a breath."
"Let go of me."
"No. Just, wait here and-"
"And what?" The snarl comes out far harsher than he intends but he manages to free his arm from her grip. "Cry? Snivel?"
"Mourn," she says softly. "Our nakama-"
Are dead, she's going to say. He can't hear that. Strange heat begins to press against his skin. His heart climbs into his throat, pounding hard enough to vibrate his entire being.
"Are in that room, sleeping," he replies lowly, daring her to say otherwise.
Because they are. His nakama are sleeping. They're safe. They are alive. And Zoro intends to keep it that way.
Vivi swallows, tears returning to her eyes as she stares up at him. "Zoro," she whispers.
"I don't have time to sit around and cry," he tells her. "I have to know what I brought back with me."
I have to know if I'm strong enough to do anything. What have I lost?
"I'll be back. Just." Zoro's gaze moves to the door behind her. "Just, wait with them."
Keep them safe.
Finally, she nods.
The Alabastian night is cold as he makes his way through the palace and down the front steps. The guards glance at him as he passes. He pays them little mind, heading back to the cliff. By some miracle, his feet remember the way. The moon hangs high over his head as he moves. It's been years since he set foot in Alabasta. Somehow, he remembers it differently. The city seems far more beautiful than he had memories of, even in the wake of their war with Crocodile.
Zoro settles himself on the cliff, pulls in a deep breath, closes his eyes, and searches the city. He feels them. His nakama, sleeping in the palace below. The scorpions scuttling in the dirt behind him. It's still there. He hasn't lost his Observation Haki. Alright, good. That's very, very good. A slight smile settles over his lips as he lets himself focus in on the feeling of Luffy, each breath his captain takes.
Armament. Arguably the more important of the two. If his armament had been stronger, better, then maybe.
No. Stop.
Don't think of that now.
Zoro pulls Enma - Shusui - no, Yubashiri. Damn it, he needs to stop doing this. He needs to know where he is. When he is.
Breath in. Breath out.
Zoro frees Yubashiri from its scabbard and holds the katana out before him. Black erupts across the blade.
Good. Zoro breathes again, placing the blade back in its scabbard and looking out at the still desert around him. He can do this. He can save them this time. He just needs a plan, a way to make them stronger. A way to prepare them for the end.
No, no, not the end. He won't let that be the end.
Blood thunders in his ears, his chest heaving wildly. The cold air around him began to burn as his skin turned red hot. Sweat gathered around him, dripping down his neck and back. Vibrations racked his body, as though he was trying to jump out of his own skin.
Zoro shed his top, desperate for cold air to help him. It did no good. His breath shuddered, turning to gasps, as his heart slammed faster and harder. He couldn't pull anything into his lungs. He was choking, suffocating on pure, cool oxygen. His vision narrowed, spinning like a top and he squeezed his eyes closed to try and fight the dizziness.
Pulling his knees to his chest, Zoro knotted his hands in his hair to try and calm the trembling. They wouldn't die. They wouldn't die like that. Not again.
Zoro wouldn't let them die like that. He would be better, stronger, faster. This time, he would save them all.
His hand tightened in his hair, pulling until pain erupted in his skull. His thoughts turned to the pain, stealing memories from the front of his mind. Zoro pulls harder, desperate to think of anything else.
Zoro breathes. A shiver runs through him as the air finally turns cold again. He sucks in oxygen like a drowning victim, pulling his still trembling hands from his hair.
"Luffy." His captain's name leaves his lips in a pathetic whisper and he searches for Luffy's presence again.
Still healthy and strong as Luffy sleeps soundly.
Exhaustion seeps into Zoro's bones and he knows it's time to move. Limbs still feeling like jello, he shoves himself up, stumbling only a bit. Tomorrow, they'll go back to Sunny-no, Merry. Tomorrow, the crew will board The Going Merry again. For the first time in years, Zoro will see Merry strong and sturdy again. A massive mix of emotions fill him.
He'll lose Merry again.
Zoro's legs give out. He hits the hard, sandy ground with a horrified sob.
He'll lose Merry again.
He won't be strong enough to save her.
The pumping of blood returned to his ears with horrible tremors. Blind terror began to wash over him.
Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.
Zoro's hand shoots to Yubashiri, ripping the sword from its scabbard just far enough to slam his palm onto it. Warm blood rushes across his skin. His mind abandons the fear of weakness, concentrating on the stinging pain in his palm.
Still trembling, he cradles the injured hand to his chest. He should have been smarter about that one. Chopper will surely notice this first thing. Shit, he needs to figure this out. He can't break down every time his thoughts stray to his failures.
His long, long list of failures.
"Stop," he tells himself. "Luffy."
Luffy needs him. Luffy needs him strong and present. He'll figure out a way to deal with this, same as he'll figure out how to save his nakama. Tomorrow, he'll board the Going Merry. Tomorrow, Vivi will make a different choice. Zoro will make different choices.
Tomorrow, they'll save their nakama.
Tonight, he'll start making himself strong again.
"Zoro!" Luffy's voice cheers his name as he opens the door.
A smile graces Zoro's face against his will. His captain beams at him, holding Hat tight to his head.
"Yo, Luffy," he greets, forcing strength into his voice.
He curses himself as it wavers slightly. Luffy doesn't seem to notice, turning to Vivi in shock and horror as Nami reveals that he's been asleep for three days.
"I missed fifteen meals?" Luffy yelps.
"Zoro, where have you been?" Chopper demands, leaping from Luffy's bed to run over to him. "You were out training, weren't you?"
Zoro shrugs, turning away from the small doctor to pour himself water. If he looks too long, he might see black staining Chopper's brown fur. "I don't need your permission to train," Zoro tells the young doctor instead. Because that's what he would say if everything was normal. If there wasn't bubbles of joy erupting in his stomach.
"Of course you need my permission, I'm your doctor!"
The best doctor in the world.
"I left my bandages on," he tells the little doctor.
What he doesn't tell Chopper is he left the bandages on to hide the wound on his hand from detection.
"That doesn't mean you can train! I put those bandages on you so you wouldn't move around."
Zoro keeps his back to Chopper to hide the smile growing across his face. This is right. This feels right. The young doctor's hooves tug at Zoro's sleeve.
"Sit down and let me look at you, right now!"
"Get off me, Chopper. It was just a little training. No harm ever came from a little training."
"Sanji," Luffy's whine echoes around the room. "Meat!"
"Yosh, yosh," the cook sighs, standing from the couch.
"Oh, Sanji-san, please sit," Vivi says, shooting to her feet. "Teracota has been preparing dinner for hours now. If Luffy-san's hungry, I can send someone to get him snacks."
"Vivi-chan is too sweet." The cook's limbs dance around like noodles. "Going out of your way to feed us."
"It's no trouble, Sanji-san," Vivi insists, her smile not quite reaching her eyes. "After all you've done for me, it's the least I can do for you."
The cook continues to waltz around like an idiot, declaring Vivi the kindest princess on the planet. Zoro sighs, shaking Chopper loose from his leg and makes way to sit in the abandoned chair beside his captain. Luffy collapses sideways, look up at Zoro pitifully
"Zooooorrrrroooooo," the captain whines. It's music to his ears.
"Sencho?"
"I'm hungry."
Zoro's lips twitch. "Just a few more minutes, you damn glutton."
With a dramatic sigh, Luffy flops onto his stomach to pout. The others continue to talk and laugh around them, though Zoro is fully aware that Vivi's smiles are for show. And that her eyes keep wandering over to him. After a moment, Luffy's eyes hover on him as well.
"Ne, Zoro?" the captain says.
Zoro hums.
"Are you hurt?"
"Eh?"
Luffy frowns. "You feel funny."
"I feel funny?"
"Hai. You feel, not Zoro-like. But still Zoro."
Damn Luffy and the uncanny six senth between them.
"I'm not hurt, Luffy," Zoro tells him.
Because he isn't. All his wounds are barely noticeable now, pushed to the back of his mind. There are more important things to worry about.
Luffy blinks up at him, not looking entirely convinced, but he finally nods and lets the subject drop. The doors across the room open, one of the servants barely having time to announce that dinner is ready before the captain bolts out of the room.
"Luffy!" Nami shouts. "Do you even know where you're going?"
The rest of the crew file out behind him. Vivi pauses, rocking on her toes as she waits for Zoro to catch up to her. A strip of red in blue catches his eye. The ribbon. Luffy's ribbon. She's tied it around her hair. Despite the black scorch marks and small tears, it looks like it belongs.
"What?" Zoro asks, pausing beside her.
Vivi frowns up at him. "Where did you go? I was worried."
"I was training."
Her frown deepens. "Zoro." Pity fill her voice.
A spark of rage shoots through his chest, morphing into a wildfire. "Don't."
If possible, her face falls even further. "You have to stop."
"Stop what exactly?" he demands. "I'm doing exactly what I said I would."
I'm saving my nakama.
Vivi shakes her head. "No, you're not. We said together, Zoro. Together doesn't mean you running off by yourself and telling me nothing."
"I don't have time to babysit you." Zoro shoves past her.
Vivi's hand snatches his sleeve, yanking him back. The pity has left her face, thank God, replaced by more anger than he's ever seen from her. "I don't want you to babysit me. I'm in the dark here, Zoro. I don't know what comes next."
Resentment builds in his chest. "And who's fault is that?"
Vivi's eyes widen at the words, far more cruel than she deserved. Tears begin to swim in her eyes again. Silence falls over the empty hallway. Zoro closes his eyes, regret filling his body and he feels the fight begin to leak out of him. She's right. She's right, they're supposed to be doing this together. He isn't supposed to be hurting his nakama.
"I'm sorry," he whispers.
"I am too," Vivi says, her jaw clenching to hold in her grief. "If I'd known-"
"But you didn't. None of us did."
"We said together," she repeats. "You're not alone, Zoro. I'm here now. And I'm not going anywhere. So, I need you to stop. Stop and breath."
"I don't have time-"
"You do. You have years, Zoro. Years to plan. You have time. To grieve."
Zoro's jaw clenches. "There's nothing to grieve."
Their nakama are safe and alive.
"Zoro," Vivi whispers.
He won't cry. Won't breakdown. Won't freeze.
His nakama are alive.
"We need a plan," he tells her.
Vivi sighs and shakes her head. "We need to eat. Don't argue with me, Zoro." She wraps her arms around his, pulling him down the hallway. "We'll plan later. I told you, we have time."
"This isn't a game."
"No, it isn't. But if you think too far ahead, you'll miss everything in front of you."
"Like what?"
"Our nakama."
The rest of his protests die in his throat. Vivi gives him a weak smile, tightening her grip on his arm.
"We take this one step at a time, Zoro. Tell me what happens next."
"Eh?"
"After you guys left, what happened next?"
Zoro racks his brain. What happens next? They left Alabasta, cashed by Marines but they'd gotten away. And then what?
Robin.
They left the island and then Robin walked out.
Zoro freezes, Vivi stumbling to a stop beside him. Robin waits on Merry for them, to join their crew. Robin who almost destroyed Vivi's home. A curse makes it way past his lips.
"Zoro?" Vivi asks.
"Robin," he says.
Vivi blinks. "Robin?"
"Nico Robin is waiting on the Going Merry."
Her hands fall from his arm. "What?"
Zoro swallows hard, shfiting on his feet awkwardly. "Miss All Sunday."
"I know who she is, Zoro. I just - I guess I forgot."
"Forgot?"
"Nami-san wrote me. She told me that Nico Robin had joined your crew. I was angry at first, but, Luffy-san knows what he's doing and he always has a reason. I'll never be able to understand why he does what he does, but I trust him." She lifts her head to smile at him, wrapping her arms around his again.. "Just like I trust you. So, what happens after Robin?"
That went better than he expected. Much better.
"Enel." The name of the false god crosses his mind. "Skypiea."
"Skypiea?"
Zoro nods. "The island in the sky."
"An island in the sky," Vivi repeats, voice full of awe. "You've all had quite the adventures."
The feast in their honor is more over the top than Zoro remembers it. A few raised eyebrows move his way when Vivi takes the seat beside him, mainly from the enraged cook. Vivi giggles at him as she settles in. The massacre of the food begins, Luffy's hands flying across the table and snagging everything in sight. The others squawk and screech, struggling to defend their food.
Laughter fills the air. Somehow, Vivi manages to join in on the antics. As if she hadn't seen their nakama bloody and still. Sweat gathers across Zoro's back. His mind spatters blood across his nakama's faces. Bloody holes spread through Usopp's body. Gouges mar Nami's pretty face. The cook's hands snap in unnatural directions.
"Zoro," Luffy's voice creeps from the back of his mind. Blood gurgles in his captain's throat. "It's okay. Live."
Zoro squeezes his eyes shut, hands clenching around his pant legs.
"Oi, what did you drink too much, marimo?" the cook demands from down the hall.
Zoro breathes deeply, forcing his eyes open and grabs the mug of booze in front of him. "Shut it, shitty cook."
The words taste unusually bitter in his mouth.
How did Zoro forget about Bon-chan? The shitty mercenary ended up being such a pain in their ass, and yet somehow so forgettable. Yet, his voice spills out of the transponder snail with the same annoying pitch that Zoro remembers from years ago.
"Where are you?" Usopp demands, leaning over Luffy's shoulder to yell at the snail.
Zoro's eyes snap to Vivi, sitting on the couch across from Luffy. This is it. This is the moment he's been waiting for.
"Oh your ship," Bon-chan replies. "The Going Merry!"
Merry. Zoro closes his eyes and breathes deeply.
One step at a time. That's what Vivi told him. One step at a time and together.
Around him, the others begin to plan. Questions spring up, wondering if they can trust Bon-chan. Planning for what to do if they're betrayed. They spring up around him, packing rapidly.
Zoro's eyes meet Vivi's when he opens them again. She smiles at him.
"Alright, everyone," Nami says. "Let's get going."
"Wait," Vivi says. "Everyone, please. Wait just one minute."
Everyone's gaze turns to her. All of their faces fall. They all know. Or they think they know.
"Can you give me just a few extra minutes? I-I need to leave my father a note."
"A note?" Chopper echoes.
Vivi nods. "If I tell my father and Igram I'm coming with you, they'll try to stop me. I'm just going to leave them a note."
"You're coming with us?" Joy takes over Nami's face, smiling brighter than Zoro's ever seen.
Vivi smiles, eyes flickering to Zoro before back to the navigator. "Of course. You're my nakama."
They escape the Marines with far more ease than Zoro remembers. Mostly because they don't have to wait an extra twelve hours for Vivi. Colors streak through the sky as the sun breaks over the horizon. Cheers erupt from the crew. Along with Luffy's cry of "Sanji! Meat". Because this constitutes a celebration.
Zoro leans against the mast, staring at the door, and waits. The others begin arguing over whether or not they should be able to go to bed instead of celebrating. Laughter fills the air. Usopp chases Luffy around the deck while the cook and Chopper climb the stairs to the kitchen.
Has Robin fallen asleep?
She never told them exactly how long she waited on the ship. It wouldn't surprise him. After everything she's been through, she must be exhausted.
"Sanji!" Luffy shouts, laughing as he dives out of Usopp's grasp. "Meat!"
"I heard you the first time, you shitty captain," the cook shouts back, almost to the kitchen.
Zoro's back straightens as the door opens. Robin saunters onto the deck like she owns the place. A breath leaves his chest. Robin is alive. Whether she wants to be or not, she's perfectly fine.
"I see we've escaped the firing squad," she says. "Good work."
The crew jolt into action. None of them jolt into any relevant action, unfortunately. The cook flutters around with heart eyes. Luffy stares at Robin, dumbfounded. Nami dives to hide behind the mast, dragging Vivi with her. Chopper starts crying and Usopp begins shouting about an intruder alert.
It really is a good thing that Robin isn't a threat to their crew.
"How long have you been on our ship?" Nami demands.
"Quite a while. These are your clothes, correct? I'm borrowing them for now." Robin turns to dig out a chair, that devilish smirk in place. "Monkey D. Luffy. You haven't forgotten what you did to me, have you?"
The cook pounces on Luffy, demanding to know what their captain has done to "such a beautiful lady". Usopp and Chopper continue their fearful cries. Nami continues to shout at Robin over her damn clothes.
Vivi inches closer to him, peering down at him with a raised eyebrow. "She can't possibly be upset that Luffy-san attacked her for attacking my kingdom."
Zoro snorts. "That's not what she's mad about."
"Oh? What did Luffy-san do to her?"
Saved her life. Zoro barely contains his eye roll. Of all the reasons to be upset with a person, saving someone's life isn't the best. But, Robin does have a rather surprising lack of logic when it comes to these kinds of things.
"Zoro!" Nami screeches. "Do something!"
"What would you like me to do?" Zoro asks, resting his katana against his shoulder. "Cut the clothes off of her?"
"No, you idiot. Get her off this ship!"
Zoro closes his eyes.
"Don't ignore me!"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Luffy whines as the cook shakes him violently. "What do you want me to do?"
Robin rests her cheek on her palm, that smirk growing. "Let me join your crew."
"WHAT?!" His nakama's protest fill the air as Vivi takes a seat next to him. Aside from the cook, who lets out a delighted "absolutely".
"No way, lady!" Nami shouts. "You tried to steal Vivil's kingdom. Why would we ever let you sail with us?"
Because our captain is a bleeding heart, Zoro doesn't say. From the corner of his eye, he sees Vivi's lips twitch in a smile. Hopefully, the navigator's anger will ease any betrayal Vivi will feel in a minute.
"Because, what your captain has done to me is simply unbearable." Robin lifts her chin, turning her eyes to Luffy.
"Luffy!" the cook screeches, lunging to tackle the captain again.
"Oi, oi! I didn't do anything."
"You tried to hurt our nakama," Nami snarls. "You deserved for Luffy to beat the hell out of you."
"Luffy didn't beat the hell out of her," Zoro mutters.
The ship goes silent around him. Apparently, he'd spoken louder than he intended to. Everyone's gazes turned to him, eyebrows raised in confusion and intrigue. Robin straightens, those violet eyes locked on her.
Somehow, she looks older. Maybe because this is before she's found her place to belong. Maybe it's because she's sad again. Looking for a way out of the world, but unable to do it herself. A strange sickness rocks in his stomach at the realization that this is going to be Robin for months again. He's going to have to watch his nakama long to die again.
"And what do you know about what your captain has done to me, swordsman-san?" Robin asks.
"If Luffy beat the hell out of you, you wouldn't be standing," Zoro tells her, mind scrambling to cover up the mistake. "You'd be sitting in a cell with your friends. So, what'd he do? Steal your pie?"
"He saved my life."
Stunned silence drops onto Merry's deck.
"You," Usopp stammers. "You're mad that Luffy saved your life?"
Robin's cool eyes glare at Luffy. "I wanted nothing more than to die in that moment. But you forced me to live. That is your crime, Monkey D. Luffy. Now, I have nowhere to go and nowhere to return to. So, I've decided that I'll join your crew."
"I see." Luffy nods seriously. "Guess that's that. Welcome."
"LUFFY!" Again, the crew's protest rise up.
Their captain turns to grin at them. "Don't worry. She isn't a bad person."
"Zoro!" Nami rounds to him. "Do something!"
Zoro blinks at her. "Me?"
"Yes, you! You're supposed to be keeping an eye on him."
"Luffy does what Luffy wants." Zoro closes his eyes again. "No point in trying to fight it."
Face pinched in rage, Nami turns to Luffy. "Have you forgotten what she did to Vivi?"
"Nami-san," Vivi calls, leaning past Zoro to look up at the navigator. He can feel her hesitation, knows the words must be killing her. "It's alright."
A surprised gasp softens Nami's face. "Vivi."
"Luffy-san knows what he's doing. If he says Nico Robin can travel with us, I'll trust his decision."
The words probably taste like acid in her mouth. Respect blossoms in Zoro's chest. This can't be easy for her, to accept a woman she's only ever seen as an enemy. But for the good of the crew, she does.
Together.
Together.
"Jaya," Zoro tells Vivi as they sit against the rail near Merry's head, watching the sun set.
Luffy, Chopper, and Usopp are running around playing tag. Nami is going through all the treasure Robin brought with her and the cook is probably doing something stupid. Zoro keeps his eyes peeled for any sign of Robin. The archeologist seems to have taken a particular interest in the two of them. Probably because they're the only two she didn't have to win over. And, she's even sneaker now that she doesn't know she's among nakama.
The chances of her growing an ear to hear their conversation is strong.
"Jaya?" Vivi echoes.
"A ship will fall from the sky. Then we'll make our way to Jaya." Zoro's hands tighten around his katana. "I need - I need you to come with us when we go to town."
"Of course." She frowns at him. "What's going on?"
"Teach is there."
"Teach?"
Zoro nods. "Marshall D Teach. Also known as Blackbeard."
"The man Ace was looking for?"
His knuckles turn the color of Wadou's scabbard. "I'm not strong enough to beat him like this. This body is too young. Too weak," Zoro admits. "I know it. And I don't have enough time to train. It won't take us long to get there. But."
The thought of Blackbeard makes Zoro's blood boil with rage. He knows all of the problems Teach will cause. The heartbreak that man will bring to his crew.
"But?" Vivi presses gently.
"I know. I know what he does."
Vivi's hand settles on his arm. He shrugs out of the touch, hating the heat it brings. Heat will cause another freak out, it always does.
"Zoro." She sounds hurt.
"Don't," he tells her. "Please, don't touch me."
Her hand falls. He shoves guilt down into his stomach.
"I won't let you fight Teach," she tells him.
He nods.
"So, Jaya and then Skypiea?"
"That's right."
"And who did you say we'll find on Skypiea?"
"Enel. He thinks he's god."
Vivi blinks. "God?"
Zoro hums. "He's a Devil Fruit user. He can turn himself into lightning."
"Lightning?"
"Luffy was the only one who could beat him back then. I wish I could have seen the look on that cocky bastard's face when he couldn't knock Luffy out with a single hit."
"Right, because Luffy-san's made out of rubber."
A smile pulls at Zoro's lips. "Stupid rubber shit didn't even realize why he was the only one who could stop Enel. Nami had to explain it to him after."
Vivi pulls her knees to her chest, resting her chin on them as she listens to him.
"It was a little more difficult than he thought it'd be, I think. Since Enel's powers had no effect on him, Luffy thought he'd be able to punch his way out of it. But, Logia users used to be a pain like that. I guess, they will be again."
"What do you mean?"
"Luffy won't know Armament Haki anymore." Zoro frowns down at Wadou. "Or Observation. So, he'll have to struggle to take out Enel."
"Couldn't you teach him?"
"Not in time."
Zoro isn't sure he should teach Luffy at all. Battling Enel was important for all of them. The false god had forced Luffy to learn battle strategy. Forced Usopp to learn courage. Forced Nami to respect their captain's unusual methods. It had forced Zoro to see Robin as his nakama. Taking that knowledge away could be bad for the crew.
"What is it?" Vivi asks.
"Eh?"
"You look like you're in pain."
Zoro shakes his head. "Just, thinking."
"About?"
"What to let them learn themselves." Zoro looks out at the setting sun again. "What do I change? What do I make them struggle through?"
Water 7. Thriller Bark. Sabaody.
The panic returns. Vivi leans close as he starts to shake again, hand clasping over his chest. This has to stop. He has to stop doing this. Stop panicking over stupid things. He'll be useless like this.
"Zoro." Vivi's hand clasps his, helping him to stop the trembles.
"I don't know what to change."
"Don't think too far ahead," she tells him. "Jaya. Tell me what we need to change on Jaya."
Jaya. What needs to be changed on Jaya? What even happens on Jaya? It's been so long. They meet Teach. Luffy's going to make him let Bellamy beat the hell out of him. They'll meet that old man. Luffy will beat the hell out of Bellamy. They'll find their way to Skypiea.
"Nothing," he says. "We don't need to change anything. But-"
"No. Not but," Vivi says.
A bit of frustration builds in his chest. "Vivi-"
The princess shakes her head. "No. We'll worry about Skypiea when we get to Jaya. Just one step, Zoro. Don't overwhelm yourself. Jaya."
His chest heaves in a deep breath. "Jaya."
Vivi squeezes his hand before she releases it, settling back against the railing again. The heat of her worried gaze settles across his shoulders.
"You should go down below and get some sleep. You look exhausted Zoro."
"I told Luffy I'd take watch tonight."
"I'll do it."
Zoro shakes his head. For the first time in his life, sleep sounds awful. He knows what waits for him. Memories. Failures. Despite his heavy eyelids and the dull ache of exhaustion falling over his limbs, he can't fall asleep. He can't see his nakama like that again.
He'll wake everyone in the men's quarters. Luffy will know something's wrong.
"Zoro," Vivi presses. "I'll watch over our nakama tonight."
Damn this woman. She's too stubborn.
"Fine," he sighs. "Fine, you can have first watch. I'll take second. And I'm sleeping up here."
Vivi lets out a long suffering sigh. "Yosh. Yosh. As long as you sleep."
Knowing it's a mistake, Zoro closes his eyes.
Warning! This chapter contains panic attacks and self harm. Both of these triggers happen within the same scene. It is several paragraphs long, including physical descriptions of panic attacks AND Zoro using his sword to injure himself.
The scene begins with:
"Blood thunders in his ears, his chest heaving wildly..."
The scene ends with:
"Still trembling, he cradles the injured hand to his chest..."
Hope you guys are will to stick with me as I figure this fic out. I don't have a lot planned for it and I'm working things out as they come to me. Stay safe, stay sane, and stay safe out there 3