Harry wakes at half two again and stares at his canopy. What can he possibly say to Ron and Hermione? He's barely spent any time with them. He can't be honest with them. He missed their DA meeting. He feels like a totally different person.
He takes a deep breath and heads down to the common room. This time he doesn't try to walk softly. This time Ron and Hermione are standing at the fire instead of seated.
"What happened?" Hermione hisses before he reaches them.
Harry shrugs. "Marius knows about the DA. He was coming to the meeting with me. We ran into Snape and that went about as well as expected."
"He's a git," Ron adds. "And you shouldn't trust him."
"Marius is a git?" Harry asks angrily. "Marius can't be trusted? No. He's on my side."
Hermione crosses her arms over her chest. "It's not just your side. We're all taking risks."
Harry withholds what he wants to say. It's not your parents who are dead; you aren't the one who had to fight Him; you aren't the one who watched Cedric die; you aren't the one who got tortured; you aren't the one dealing with this thing inside of you.
Ron grunts. "Snuffles…"
"Ron!" Hermione smacks at him.
Harry looks back and forth between them. "Snuffles what?"
They look at each other and Harry knows they're trying to figure out how to lie to him.
"Well Harry," Hermione starts. She pauses and looks at Ron again. "He's worried about you just like we are. And well…" She blushes. "I think he's a bit disappointed. You know he and Snape hate each other."
"Oh you're worried?!" Harry yells. The noise hits his ears and he gulps. He might have woken someone.
He can't look at them. They don't understand him; they barely even know him now. He feels a surge of magic build in him and instincts take over.
Instead of attacking, he fists his hands and walks out of the Common Room without looking back. It's unlike anything he's ever felt. He wants to hurt them. If he's being honest he wants to hurt anyone. He walks without thinking, winding through corridors and taking stairs by intuition. In what feels like a matter of minutes, he's stood before Snape's quarters, having arrived without being caught.
He knocks before his more rational self can remind him who's on the other side of the door. He knocks before his more rational self can remember that Russ is in the Hufflepuff dormitories.
The door swings open. Harry stares at Snape suddenly surprised but cannot make his legs move. Snape snaps his head from side-to-side before grabbing Harry by the shirt and yanking him in. The door slams shut and Harry jumps.
"It seems you are possessed with a more dangerous form of idiocy than usual," Snape's shoulders hunch in as he creeps toward Harry. "And what trouble are you causing tonight?"
Harry looks around and shrugs.
"You don't know?" Snape asks slowly. "You are rather indecently bothering a professor in his quarters and you don't know why? Of all your pathetic attempts for attention…."
"I'm not—"
"We both know the Headmaster is ignoring you. Thus far your little club has failed to garner his attention. But I know, deliver yourself to my quarters, claim I've assaulted you, and surely he'll give you all the attention you desire."
Assaulted. Harry squints. "If Dumbledore believes you're a nonce you've got problems beyond me." He pauses. "Sir."
Snape's lips pull back but Harry continues before he can snap.
"Is Russ here?"
Snape frowns, bewildered.
"He's probably in the Hufflepuff dorms," Harry says quietly. "I forgot. I don't know why I came here." When Snape doesn't immediately respond, Harry rambles on. "You messed everything up! They're angry at me because of you, you know. I'm a stranger to them now. Nobody understands."
Snape stands a little straighter, like he's looking at something interesting. "Does Russ understand?"
"You know…" Harry looks at the floor.
"And here we were all thinking your outbursts were due to watching Mister Diggory die. How much simpler this year could have been if only we'd known you were simply struggling with homosexuality."
Everything flashes red. "You think that doesn't matter? You think Cedric doesn't matter?! Why is it so bad that everything hurts but Russ makes it a little better?"
"Beware, Mister Potter," Snape says as he moves around Harry. "You are at the prime age for a psychotic break."
By the time Harry turns, Snape has disappeared around the corner, leaving him alone. Harry leans over, jutting his head and torso away from his lower body, and peers around the corner. Snape is gone. He slowly walks to Russ' room, hoping not to find it empty.
Russ lays there on his stomach, his hair sticking up everywhere. Harry shouldn't be looking. He shouldn't want to look, much less touch, but he does. He brushes his fingers gently on Russ' hair. It's a bit oily, but what was he expecting?
He could crawl in, make himself at home in Russ' arms, but he can't stop thinking about how he is now a disappointment. Sirius is supposed to be proud; Sirius is supposed to love him unconditionally. But then again, nobody's ever loved him unconditionally. At least Russ loves him innocently. At least Russ love him because they're drawn together, not because he's Harry Potter or rich.
Maybe he should commit to it. If he commits to Russ and they become boyfriends properly, instead of dating a girl and lying, he supposes he'll no longer have to wonder if he's good enough. The only person he'll be good enough for then is Russ. To everyone else he'll be a disappointing waste of time.
"Now then," Snape's voice echoes through the room. "The truth."
Harry freezes, still touching Russ' hair.
"Don't mind him," Snape says, now closer. "He's a sound sleeper."
Harry realizes his mistake. No one knows he's here. He's too far away from the entrance to make a run for it. He's trapped. He keeps looking at Russ and tries to calm himself enough to form a plan.
"Now tell me what it is that has you so upset." It is not a request.
"I…." Harry tries to make himself good, so he can lie like he's lying to Vernon. But alas, he can't do it for Snape. "You made me miss a meeting earlier. We weren't trying to shag."
"Perhaps. But I do remember what it is like to be sixteen."
Harry scowls. He can't picture Snape young, much less interested in shagging.
"They hate that I'm friends with Russ." Harry fights back tears. "Sirius is disappointed."
"As am I."
Harry looks over his shoulder.
"You're trouble," Snape continues. "I know your breeding. Your father's trouble-making certainly did nothing to slow your mother's death. Someday I have no doubt you will unintentionally get your lover killed. Russ doesn't see the danger he's in."
Harry swallows a sob. "My father was a good man."
"Your father was a posh bastard. Not even your grandparents liked him." Snape comes nearer. "He was a bully. And perhaps he did earnestly love her. Perhaps there was nothing that could have kept her away from the fight. But do not fool yourself into thinking that your father wasn't a high-profile target."
Tears roll down Harry's cheeks. Snape's a bastard. Of course James loved Lily. They were happy! They were brave! His parents were heroes. He takes a deep breath. Snape's right. Snape's behind him!
Harry jumps and turns, hitting himself right into Snape's chest. "How would you know?" he whispers.
"I grew up with your mother. I care for her."
Cared for her—Harry automatically fills in. That's disgusting.
"Potter." Snape waits for Harry to look up. "If you break my son's heart I will break you."
Harry nods. "You… you're right. He'd be safer…."
"Oh no you don't," Snape snaps. "He's decided he," he grunts, "loves you. Or some such nonsense. You're not breaking his heart. He'll just have to come to his senses."
Harry pales, confused and uncertain what to say. So now he's not allowed to break up with Russ? "But?"
Harry looks up again just as Snape shoves him. He falls backward like it's slow-motion and hits the bed silently. Russ rolls over, shocked, at the same time that Harry rolls toward him to explain.
"Ouch!" Russ yells as their noses smack against each other. After a minute he smiles. "Harry! How…? Did my dad let you in?"
Harry squeaks as he nods.
Russ sits up and brushes his fingers over Harry's cheek. "Are you okay?"
Harry shakes his head before launching into tears. "He hates me! Sirius hates me!"
He lets Russ' arms wrap around him and sobs louder. He can't help but realize this is the first time anyone's comforted him like this. Boyfriend. He thinks the word over and over as his sobs become hiccups and his hiccups fade to snores.