Chapter Two
Slim
My hands trembled as I held the envelope with my name scrawled out in Jess' mostly illegible script. It was postmarked somewhere in Dakota Territory, but it appeared as if the postmaster that first handled the letter needed a new stamp, because only a few dim marks showed its point of origin. In those few seconds before I could get the letter opened, my mind raced with a variety of unpleasant scenarios that Jess had got into. One thing I could take comfort in was that I wasn't holding a telegram in my hand. That form of messaging would have been even more foreboding, possibly telling me that Jess was hurt, jailed or something worse. Seeing my name written in his hand told me he was still able. Now all I had to do was learn what he had to say.
It was simple, but what part of Jess was fancy, aside from the skill that he possessed in firing his pistol? I read the lines a second and third time before folding the paper back inside of its envelope, a deep sigh coming through my parted lips. It held dual meaning, that rush of air. Relief that I'd heard from Jess, but despair because I couldn't write back. Even if I could have made out the town where Jess had mailed the letter, what was the chance that he was still anywhere within its vicinity to receive it? Jess was closely related to a tumbleweed. By the time it took the stagecoaches to carry the letter from the northern territory to my ranch east of Laramie, he could have been hundreds of miles from where he'd penned it. I might have held a piece of Jess in my hand, but I was no closer to him than before it had been delivered. At least I knew Jess was all right. Or, as all right as a man could be whose best friend had deserted him.
I hurt Jess. Well, I suppose we hurt each other. I know we should have never quarreled. Tensions were high after we'd both taken a hard land off of that temperamental stallion I bought, and we had nothing around us to curb our fiery emotions as we've been trying to get used to life with just the two of us on the ranch. Without Andy's youthful vitality and Jonesy's age-old wisdom to keep us grounded, when the tension mounted that extra notch, our heads butted. And we struck hard. Not literally, as both of our hands stayed locked at our sides, but the words that flew hit as solidly as if a fist had belted repeatedly into my face. I threw some of my own. I knew by the look in Jess' eyes that he'd been stunned, especially when I reared back for another. I think if both of us could see to the inside of our beings, we would've seen the blood we were shedding, and that would've lessened the blows and the next thing, we would've shook our heads, gave a good natured slap on our backs, the fight behind us, forgotten, forgiven. But that didn't happen.
When all had grown silent, Jess walked away. I knew right then that I had a choice to make. Let Jess go or pull him back. I knew what was right. It was as clear to me as the image of Jess' retreating frame in a direct aim for his horse and gear that our outburst wasn't worth ruining our friendship and partnership over. But I wasn't thinking with my heart, only my stubborn head. And I let Jess go. I made another mistake when I didn't go right after him, because no sooner had Jess ridden out of my sight, my head caught up with my heart. I waited for him to come back. But he didn't. The day ended, the night deepened, morning came, and he was still gone. I've been waiting ever since, without hearing a word about him, until now. I tapped the letter in my hand, but I didn't need to open it back up to remember what Jess had written.
Slim,
I'm back in the big open, not knowing where it's all gonna take me. If everything I touched didn't turn sour, then maybe I could settle down someplace. It ain't because of you though. You're still a good man, even if I'll never be. Goodbye Slim.
Jess
That's my partner. Short on words, but big on emotions. The fiery ones get all the attention, because that's what most everyone gets to see, but I've been privileged to see what really lies underneath all that roughness that sits on his exterior. Jess can fight with an intense passion, draw his gun as fast as the accurately placed bullet that flies out of it, and growl with enough grit to make a cougar think twice before attacking him, yet he's so much more. He can calm a skittish mount with the softest edge of his voice, he can take a boy under his wing and talk to him on a personal level, and he can goof off, wearing that boyish smile as if he were still a kid himself. Jess can live, laugh and love. Yes, Jess Harper knows how to love. I sure hope I didn't mar that most tender part of his soul. He doesn't have the best opinion of himself, as Jess tends to look more at his dark spots than his good points. I'm sure he'd beg to differ, but I know that there's more in him that's good than the opposite. I'm certainly a better man for knowing him, but I wasn't sure what I was going to be now that Jess was gone. Maybe I don't really want to know.
If I could describe how I feel, I guess the word that would be on top of the list would be lonely. I've never had this experience before. Sure, I've wandered solo in my time, but I could never really branch out, because I was grounded with a home from the beginning. I rather preferred it that way. I would have liked to think that Jess had changed to some extent during his tenure at the ranch, preferring the solid ground of life with a home instead of that unsteady road to nowhere. But hurt has a way of changing a man. All I had to do was look at myself and the current situation I was now living in to know that was the truth.
Our family, Jess included, was tightly knit together, and although it was necessary to send Andy to St. Louis for school and Jonesy along to make sure that he sticks to his studies, I think things started to unravel when they left. And the final thread was pulled away when Jess rode out, leaving me here alone. I might be on the ranch that I've known all my life, in the house that Pa built for us, but it no longer felt like a home. Its core, its heart and soul, was gone.
I hadn't really known how much life Jess had given this place until that light he brought was blown out. Even on a sunny day, everything seems dull and dim. The horses, the dog and cat, they all act differently too, because even an animal can sense the change in the air without Jess' personality to fill it. I sure wish I could tell him all of these things that whispered in my head and in my heart. I might not be much better at putting my feelings into words than Jess can, but I'd saddle up that very minute, turn over every rock in hundreds of miles of wilderness if necessary, to find my wayward partner just so that he knew the important role he played right here on the Sherman ranch. But even though part of the inner me was seated atop my horse, doing just that, I couldn't leave the ranch. I was tied to my home by blood, by duty, but there was some of that same honor that bound me to Jess. I couldn't hold on to one without losing the other. With a sigh that generated from my deepest pit, I walked to the porch and sat down in my chair, unable to not turn my head to Jess' empty one beside me.
In the quietest moments, like it was then, sometimes it seemed like I could hear the way it used to be, but not from a time that spanned backward several years. Only when Jess was a part of our lives. Andy's laughter, Jess' mischief, Jonesy's gentle scolding. But all of that was just a memory, filled with all kinds of emotions, and not all of them were about the heavy weight on my shoulders on what I'd done to Jess. I miss Jonesy and what I often referred as his pearls of wisdom. Sometimes they aggravated me, but to be truthful, that was only when Jonesy was right and I was wrong. I couldn't help but wonder what he would have to say now. Likely there would be a long list of them, popping out when I least expected it to make me think long and hard for the rest of the day. Or night. I've already spent several nights during Jess' absence unable to sleep even without Jonesy's astute instructions filling my head. I guess it's because I hold some wisdom of my own, the kind that makes me chafe real good.
Maybe Jess retained some of the same wisdom. If he did, then that trail out there in the big open just might wind its way back to Laramie someday. I could only hope that Jess would find it. Hope. I guess it doesn't matter what a man's going through, even if it feels like the darkness he's in will never depart, he can always find a piece of hope to hold onto. What existed inside of my heart was more than just a piece of that trust, though, since throughout the time Jess has been gone, I find my eyes scanning the horizon for his return. I guess they always will. I'd like to think that Jess had similar thoughts, and that his eyes were seeking the same. After all, I still believed in Jess, and, by the note that I held in my hand, it appeared that Jess still believed in me too.