Chapter 2: Jewpacabra

Goddamnit, Kyle thought, as he rubbed his eyes open and glanced around the room trying to make out his surroundings. His basement, right, him and Cartman had passed out playing video games again...third time that week actually...Kyle let the thought linger. Ever since they'd united in their single-handed efforts to keep Faith Hilling alive, the young adversaries had been hanging out a lot lately, becoming much more fond of each other's company despite frequent bickering. Speaking of which...where was fatass anyway?

Considering he'd gotten up late, Kyle figured Cartman either made a point to get up and walk home, as to not contract anymore "jew germs" or was raiding his fridge. Kyle made his way upstairs in confirming his suspicions and, to his surprise, into an unharmed kitchen. He rolled his eyes at this probably meaning the jew germ thing was true and reached for a box of cereal to wake himself up. The muddled sound of his mom blabbing away about the upcoming celebration of Passover to one of her shul friends leaked in from the other room while he prepared his bowl.

"Yes, yes, this whole coming week is the Jewish holiday of Passover. Yes, it's all about how Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt. Very good! So on Friday, all Jewish people will celebrate Passover with a seder dinner."

Finishing, he wearily made his way to the table.

"Because God commanded the Jews to only eat bread that hasn't been given yeast to rise."

As he passed the doorway to the kitchen, his peripheral vision could just make out his mom having tea on the couch with Cartman…wait…

"Wow, that's so cool. And so then Passover lasts seven days?"

Cartman?!

Eyes widening, he whirled around. "Yes, yes, one week from seder dinner on Friday to the next Friday."

"Interesting, and why is it called Passover again?"

His heart stopped, what could that fat fuck possibly be planning this time?! Now fully awake, he rushed into the living room where sure enough, his delusions were real.

"Well, because in ancient Egypt, God passed over the houses marked with the blood of a lamb."

"So interesting, wow." Cartman chirps, gleefully shooting Kyle a malicious, side-eyed, probably-gonna-try-to-exterminate-the-jews-again wink. Kyle refused the bate, instead wanting nothing more than whatever this was to be over with before it could begin.

"Get out of here" he growled.

"Oh, hey, Kahl" Catman said way too casually.

"Get outta here!" Kyle raised his voice, flinging his finger towards pointing towards the door. Cartman finally acknowledged him and lept off the couch.

"Well, I better be going. Thanks so much Ms. Broflovski, I learned a ton."

"Well, you're very welcome."

Kyle quickly followed him to the door. "What are you gonna do?" he said, narrowing his eyes.

"Isn't it possible I just want to learn more about the Jewish faith?"

"No?" Kyle raised an eyebrow, desperately trying to read him.

"Alright, Kahl, listen." he sighs, stepping closer to narrow the space between Kyle's half-lidded face and his own as he loved to do in these situations.

"Legends tell of a horrific four-legged creature from Mexico that sucks the blood of goats, and it might have just spotted in South Park."

"What does that have to do with Passover?"

"All I can promise you is that this is going to be the most memorable Passover ever."

At the park, the boys wait in line to sign up for the upcoming Kids' Egg Hunt, while people decorate for Easter around them.

"Hoh da lolly! This is gonna be so much fun!" Butters beamed.

"Yeah, I can't wait for Sunday," said Craig.

"Me, too." said Kenny.

Cartman looked anxious, "Yeah, yeah, it should be a real blast, heh. I just hope Jewpacabra doesn't show up, that's all."

"Jewpa what?" Craig asked.

"Jewpaca- look, it's nothing. Forget I said anything."

"Okay." Craig turned back to Token and Kenny, "So anyway, are they saying what time the event starts?"

"Okay, look: A lot of people claim that on Passover, a blood-sucking creature called the Jewpacabra comes out and preys on children. This year Passover happens to be the same week as Easter." Cartman said, looking at the ground.

"You mean it's like, like a monster?"

"It's just a legend, alright?! But people all over town have started reported strange things. Knocked over trash cans, weird howls..."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah-uh, Token! Don't think it won't come after you just because you're black!"

Just then, Clyde called, "You guys, check this out!"

Butters, Kenny, Craig, and Token go there to take a look. On the ground lies a dead bird.

"Alright, alright, stay back. Stay back! It definitely looks like a Jewpacabra attack, but it's hard to tell." Cartman asserted.

"AAAAAAHHH!" Butters let out before fleeing, scared as hell.

Just then Kyle arrived, pissed as ever. "Alright, alright! Knock it off! Stop spreading lies."

Right on cue, Cartman thought, time for some real fun.

"I'm trying to protect people. And why are you so quick to try and cover up Jewpacabra's existence?" He said with his hands on his hips, looking Kyle up and down dramatically.

"I looked on the known species webpage. There's no animal called a 'Jewpacabra' mentioned anywhere!" Kyle proclaimed, gesturing in emphasis. Cartman frowned; his clever little jew was on to him as always, little did he know there was nothing for him to be on to in the first place.

"Well, neither is Bigfoot, Kyle, but there are a lot of people who say they have spotted a Sasquatch."

Kyle sighs. "If someone says they saw a Sasquatch, they are either lying or they are stupid. Now stop lying about a Jewpacabra before stupid people start believing you!"

"And what it if I don't? Huh? What's a dirty little jew rat like yourself gonna do about it? Kahl? " Cartman taunted in an insufferable tone, stepping closer. Before he could enjoy this anymore, his chubby hands were cradling a bloody nose, courtesy of a rather impulsive Kyle.

"Fight, fight, fight, fight!" Craig and those guys chanted to onset the inevitable.

Kyle felt oddly comforted as his back hit the icy grass, at least things were getting back to normal. Now on top of him, Cartman pinned his wrists at the sides of his head. Never intimidated by their difference in size, Kyle swiftly kneed Cartman and reversed their positions, earning approving cheers from the growing peanut gallery. After 15 minutes of routine rolling, punching, straddling, kicking, pushing and more punching, Cartman finally collapsed from exhaustion.

"No fair!" he huffed, getting up and brushing off the snow. "The jew fucking cheated."

"You can't cheat at a fight, fat boy!"

"Watch them get into another fight about who won the last one" Craig muttered to the rest.

Kyle turned to leave and Cartman chased after. "Wait Kahl" he pleaded between breaths "Kahl! Rematch! Rematch Kahl, rematch!"

Ignoring this, Kyle kept his eyes forward and pace too fast for the hollering fatass behind him.

"Kahl" he heaved, stopping to rest, "I want a rematch!" Without turning around, Kyle flipped him off.

He sighed; fighting Kyle could only satisfy him for so long….and it had. Run now little firefly, he thought to himself, it's all part of the plan.

Flopping onto his bed, Kyle couldn't be more confused. He felt bad for fighting Cartman, why the hell did he feel bad for fighting Cartman?! Fuck him. Seriously. They were actually becoming close friends, and he'd enjoyed these past few weeks more than he'd ever be willing to admit. A pit in his stomach. He'd never felt this way about fighting Cartman. In fact, he'd never felt any way about fighting Cartman. He'd never so much as think about it twice, let alone apologize….but here he was, now on Cartman's doorstep, two days of mental gymnastics later, ready to do just that. Butters opened the door.

"Oh hey there Kyle! Fellas, Kyle's here!"

"Hey dudes" he said, joining Stan and Kenny on the couch, both were immersed in some serious gameplay. Kyle looked around the room; although he wanted to get to hanging out, he knew he wouldn't be able to until he'd done what he'd decided to do.

"Where's Cartman?" he asked.

"Why do you care?" Kenny replied, slightly concerned.

"Well he invited us over, didn't he?"

"Oh yeah, uh, actually he wanted us to tell you he stepped out to go to the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization about Jewpacabra." Stan said remaining fixated on the tv.

Kyle tilted his head, "Huh?"

"Yeah, um, he said he'd be right back but-"

"What? Why did he want you to tell me that?!"

"Don't worry about it dude, probably just to piss you off without actually being here."

Great, Kyle thought, why did this always fall on him? He trudged out the door ready to engage in yet another Cartman scheme he wanted no part in but would inevitably become the center of, as was his moral obligation.

He stormed to the building and ran into fatass outside.

"Would you stop scaring everyone with your dumb ass myth!"

"Gentlemen, could you excuse me for a moment?" Cartman asked coyly, before turning back to Kyle.

"People thought Atlantis was a myth, Kyle, but I was just there. I've explored the depths of Atlantis, and now I'm about to prove a new species exists. I'm a little James Cameron."

And to think he was actually gonna apologize to this asshole. "These people aren't going to prove anything. To believe any of this you either have to be a liar or stupid."

"These are professional people who go around tracking Sasquatches, Kahl! They aren't liars, and they aren't stupid!"

Kyle felt his face heating up. "Look, I came to get you, ok? Let's just go back to your place, all the guys are there, and you don't need to be doing any of this! I know you know there's no Jewpacabra, and I know this is just some elaborate way to rip on me but frankly, I just don't care anymore so there's no point, ok, you want a reaction out of me fine? I fought you, I came all the way here, what more do you want from me?"

"Certainly not a gay little speech" he sighed, looking down.

Kyle scoffed, crossing his arms, and Cartman stepped closer, pulling him up by his collar so his their faces were just inches apart, Kyle's feet dangled. Cartman stared into Kyle's eyes intently and he stared back to show he wasn't the least bit fazed when Cartman whispered, "So much more, jew boy, so much more." then released him to the ground, walking off without another word.

Kyle watched him walk away, and, cursing under his breath, got to his feet. What the hell was his problem?

It was a little past midnight and Kyle awoke with a start to his phone ringing. He groggily raised it to his ear; who could be calling him at this hour? Well, actually he knew the answer to that...

"Kahl!" said a panicked sounding Cartman at the other end.

"What are you doing." he asked sternly, glaring up at the ceiling with half-lidded eyes.

"There's no such thing as a Jewpacabra right?" He wasn't doing this right now, he clicked his phone off and pulled the sheets over his head. Kyle knew Cartman was just messing with him, but what was his angle? The level of devotion Cartman gave to tormenting Kyle perplexed him at times, the lengths he would go, the time and energy he would spend, if he really did hate Kyle all that much, why would he devote so much of his time and energy to him? What a dumbass, he can't even hate someone right, Kyle laughed to himself a little as he trailed off back to sleep.

The following night Kyle closed his book at the sound of the doorbell. Who could that be at this hour? Well actually, he knew the answer to that. He lept off the couch and hesitantly opened the door….to his surprise, it wasn't Cartman.

"Hello young man. Let me start off by saying Sooper Foods is absolutely not an anti-semitic company..." he deadpans " But... if your people do have a monster creature that feeds on Easter children, we just wanted to let you know there is a sacrifice for it in the park that is totally fun and safe to eat. Thank you." Kyle just stares as the three walk away. Sacrifice? What could that possibly mean?

When Kyle arrived at the park, he wasn't the least bit surprised to find Cartman despairingly weeping and collecting the Easter eggs he can find, his leg chained to a wooden stake.

His eyes lit up beneath the mud, "Kyle! Hey, Kyle!"

Kyle just stares back in, what was the opposite of disbelief again...oh yeah, belief, with half-lidded eyes, arms crossed as he remained firmly planted several feet away.

"I know what you're thinking, Kyle. That, like, this is some kind of fitting comeuppance―"

"Admit you're lying, and I'll let you go."

"Oh, of course I was lying, Kyle. There's no Jewpacabra."

If they hadn't been hanging out the past couple of weeks Kyle probably wouldn't have taken several steps forward at this, with even the slightest hint of trust in his nemesis.

"Now, please, Kyle, it's Easter Eve!"

And he surely wouldn't have started to reach for that chain.

"And if Jewpacabra smells this blood, I am in a heeb of trouble!"

Kyle rolled his eyes at Cartman's typical inability to control himself and began to pull away as his wrists were caught in Cartman's surprisingly strong grasp.

" No Kyle! No, wait! I'm sorry I couldn't help it! Kyle?! Please I'll give you money! I have lots of money!" he pleaded as Kyle tried free himself of Cartman's hold when he felt his back hit the ground, practically squeaking as the air was sucked from his lungs. Cartman pinned both his hands over his head as Kyle struggled against him. "Fuck off..you nazi..fatass." he seethed between breaths.

"I said I wanted a rematch, Kahl" he said, his pitch changed from whining to...whatever this was. Cartman held him like a corpse, his cute, muffled struggling sounds were driving him insane, he couldn't take it anymore.

Kyle glanced up to meet the familiar gaze of his assailant just inches from his own, a gaze he'd only ever seen him give cheesy poofs or KFC. "Get off me, fat boy!" he hissed, trying his best to seem unfazed. Cartman didn't respond, only further descended onto Kyle, pressing into him. Kyle grimaced under his weight, heat rising in his face and neck, the adrenaline was too much to handle.

"Goddamnit Cartman! Let me go!" he demanded, kicking against him, both hands still pinned by one of Cartman's over his head. He had no idea what this was but was too annoyed to care, he just wanted out, he was so riled up.

"And why would I do that" he smirked down, "when I can do anything I want with you." He licked his lips before hungrily capturing Kyle's in them.

"Mpmfff, mppffff, mpppffff!" Kyle squirmed in surprise before surrendering to the storm of new sensations overwhelming his body.

Wielded by animal instinct, Cartman forcefully deepened their kiss. Kyle completely lost control over himself, he felt insane, what the fuck was even happening, he couldn't process it, he was consumed in shivers and seismic shocks of pleasure down his back as Cartman shifted his free hand down his back and fought for more realm in his mouth, he felt so small and helpless in his strong hands, and for some reason, he reacted the way he did to this. It was making him crazy.

"Dude, what the fuck?!" Kyle's voice was shaky, he felt invaded, overrun, paralyzed, still unable to process what was happening.

Cartman stared, taken aback, just as appalled with himself as he was. Kyle seized the opportunity to break free and run away, shaking and covered in hot, sweet condensation. What the hell was that?! What the fuck wasn't wrong with Cartman?! His mind was moving a million miles a second but going nowhere, he couldn't seem to escape the goosebumps riddling his body, the tingling in his chest, the shivers down his spine, the softness of his okay okay okay what the actual fuckkkk was happening?! For whatever was wrong with Cartman, there must have been much more wrong with Kyle. He can accept the predictably unpredictable ravagings of an emotionally disturbed sadistic neo-nazi, what he can't accept is his response.

He ran to his bathroom and splashed water on his face. He felt like throwing up. It was all just part of the torment, right? You know what? No! He didn't even want to try to begin to try to rationalize this, he just wanted it to be the nightmare it was...it could be, Cartman wouldn't repeat it to anyone, he could just forget it, but here he was hours later, still trying to oust it from his mind.

Kyle tossed and turned in his bed, desperately trying to squirm free from Cartman all over again. What the actual hell is happening. He ultimately gets up, what am I doing...god...what am I doing, he mutters over and over, cursing loudly under his breath as he heads from his house to the park with a blanket and bolt cutters. Kyle frowns at the sight of Cartman shaking on the ground where he left him, wraps the blanket around him and breaks the chains with the bolt cutters. He ushered a hunched over, half asleep Cartman to his house, putting him in his bed and taking his shoes off, and now it was Kyle who was watching the other sleep from the window sill. If Cartman could "do anything he wanted" with him, why wouldn't he kill him? Better yet, why would he kiss him?! He practically peeled his confused glare from the sleeping boy, and turned to leap from the window when he heard a quiet voice call out to him. "Kahl..."

Kyle knew that if he did what he was about to, he would be legitimizing a part of himself he didn't know was there to begin with, but desperately wanted to suppress. He'd be giving it power over him, he'd initiate something he couldn't begin to understand, or better yet, control. But alas, looking at the floor, sighing, "Goddammit" and without another thought, he reluctantly accepted his enemies' spooning invitation.

Cartman tightened his arms around his waist, holding him like one of his stuffed animals and Kyle shuddered, goddammit why the fuck did he shudder...

"I'm not gay." Kyle said sternly after some time had passed.

"Whatever you say Kahl" Cartman giggled back as he began nipping at the smaller boys' neck earning an approving moan.

"No one can ever know."

Cartman scoffed. "What? You think I'm thrilled that your sweet ass is attached to you?" Hopefully not, Cartman thought to himself.

Kyle shot him a look, to which Cartman just laughed as the other's cheeks had flushed pink.

"I just...I don't understand," he said turned around in Cartman's embrace to meet his gaze. "Why do I like this, and...why do you?" he said accusingly, his voice shrill and flustered.

Cartman sighed, "Relax Jew," he said, taking one of his arms and placing it under his head, looking up at the ceiling. "it's just hatefucking."

For some reason that alleviated Kyle's confusion. Yeah, he thought, hatefucking, that makes sense! Aren't love and hate supposed to be close to each other or whatever? Well, not love, but like passion, right?

It didn't matter because Cartman had already rolled on top of him, taking one his wrists in each hand, pinning them at the sides of his head and kissing him deeply, their tongues now battling for more ground. Kyle fought back, curling his fingers on Cartman's back, and trying to reverse their position and assert some sort of dominance which soon proved to be futile against the crippling pleasure. Cartman loved this however and encouragingly furthered his efforts to make the other submit. He ripped each of his nightshirt buttons open, one by one, as if to build suspense, moving his mouth down his chest and digging his nails into his back. Kyle was engulfed in flames; sweat and adrenaline consumed him, his skin blistering as Cartman satiated every surface of his body with ravenous bites and kisses. Kyle couldn't breathe, he couldn't stop, he felt entirely betrayed as his body accepted the bottom role but he couldn't even care, he felt completely helpless, a prisoner of lust, searing under Cartman's thumb, dangling and dependent. Realizing his victory just seconds after the other, Cartman zealously flipped him over, and Kyle shivered at the feeling of strong hands aggressively pressing him into the mattress. Cartman reveled in the smaller boys shrieks of pain as he moved up and down inside of him, while Kyle wondered how pain could feel so goddam incredible and before he could register what was happening it was already over, the single most intense experience he didn't even know he was capable of having.

The next morning Cartman made his way to the easter egg hunt, knowing he'd have to do something drastic if he even wanted even the slightest chance of this continuing. He ran up on the stage and...began to make a gay ass fucking speech. "I learned a big lesson. It's wrong, guys. Christ didn't die for our sins and God is angry. It's time for us all to stop this Easter ridiculousness, accept Jehovah as our God and deny Christ."

Kyle watches from the audience blankly. "Oh, stop trying to ruin Easter, you... You heathen!" Butters shouted angrily and the people resumed their hunt.

"Hey guys, listen!" he was desperate, he finds Kyle standing there, approaches him, and lets out a deep sigh.

"I finally know how you feel, Kyle. Knowing your religion is right but being laughed at by everyone else. It's so hard for us Jews. But I guess we just have to let stupid people believe what they are gonna believe."

"Yeah."

"I-I know what you're thinking Kyle. But I really do believe in Judaism now. I'm not lying."

Kyle puts his arm around him and smiles. "I know, you're not."

"Kewl, thanks Kyle. Oh, and Kyle...fuckbuddies?"

"Fuckbuddies, Cartman" he said flatly.