Chapter 2: There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have

We've all read and met Chloe. Now here's Beca.

Song used: Gorgeous – Taylor Swift

I have been on tour for the past five months. It doesn't get easier and it does get exhausting but the adrenaline rush it brings to me is the same and addicting. Performing has been my life. Music has given me meaning and something to look forward to. The blinding lights and deafening screams, I couldn't get enough of.

You should take it as a compliment
That I'm talking to everyone here but you (but you, but you)
And you should think about the consequence
Of you touching my hand in a darkened room (dark room, dark room)
If you got a girlfriend, I'm jealous of her
But if you're single that's honestly worse
'Cause you're so gorgeous it actually hurts
(Honey, it hurts)

I closed my eyes as I let the emotions get to me with this song. Her blue eyes were coming to sight and damn I still miss those eyes.

Ocean blue eyes looking in mine
I feel like I might sink and drown and die

I opened my eyes and I was a bit disappointed that them blue eyes were gone. It's been a bad habit of mine that even though I could barely see the crowds because of the lights, I tend to search for her, hoping to get a glimpse of those eyes that haunt me.

You're so gorgeous
I can't say anything to your face
'Cause look at your face
And I'm so furious
At you for making me feel this way
But what can I say?
You're gorgeous

You make me so happy it turns back to sad
There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have
You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad
You make me so happy it turns back to sad
There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have
Guess I'll just stumble on home to my cats
Alone, unless you wanna come along, oh...

The crowd goes wild and sings along every single song with me. With two albums, a couple of top singles and four Grammys under my belt, I have established myself in the music industry. I am on the second tour of my career and I still can't believe I am where I am now. It makes me wonder if I even deserve to be here, but then I think about what I have lost to make it and I think to myself that I have to make sure it's all worth it.

We were at the final leg of the tour. We were almost home. I chuckled at the word home. I honestly don't know where my home is. I guess LA with Lucy is my home. She's waiting for me patiently while I go away on tour. I would take her with me everywhere I go if I could but she does not handle travelling too well and besides she's perfectly happy in LA.

Aubrey would run to me after almost every show to give me a congratulatory hug as I make my way back stage. It was our routine. I hired Aubrey to become my PR slash publicist years ago and it was the best decision I have ever made.

"Amazing as always Shorty."

"Stop calling me that." I hugged her back still. "But thanks."

"You always bring so much heart to your shows as if you're throwing it all out there. It gives me goose bumps just watching you."

If only Aubrey knew that that's actually me trying to literally leave it all out there to get it off my chest. I write all of my songs and songwriting has kept me sane. I write so much songs that I even sold some to the biggest artists in the industry.

I didn't even notice that I was looking down until Aubrey lifted my chin to face her. "She would be very proud of you, you know."

I sighed. "We don't know that. But thanks again." I always wondered if Chloe did keep up to date with how my career went. I mean somehow I am doing this for her too. This is what she wanted.

I then saw Theo walking towards us and was also coming in for a hug. I usually don't welcome this much hugs but after the shows are the exemption.

"Beca."

"Theo. How'd I do?"

"Superb."

Being the one who discovered me, Theo is my manager. I owe him everything. Although deep down, I know that all this is nothing compared to my life with Chloe. If I had known the price, I would have second guessed pursuing this path.

The process of making music and performing are what I love the most about being an artist. Even after Chloe left, Aubrey and Theo has been with me every step of the way in my career and I trust the both of them with everything.

Also part of the routine is when I simply go to my dressing room to rest for a bit and change before either going back on the road or to a hotel, depending on the schedule.

This was my least and most favourite time on the tour. It was my most favourite because this was one of my rare alone times where I can reflect and it was the least because I used to spend it catching up with a certain red head, telling her all about my show.

Even in packed stadiums and in between screaming fans, I see the same face and eyes looking back at me during my performances especially when I have my eyes closed. Some songs more than the others. There have been instances when I would see flashes of red in the audience and I have to catch my breath. But it was never her.

I wonder if she's ever seen any of my shows since the break up…

I noticed it's been different for me every show, sometimes I would feel light and free and put on a real smile but most times I feel anger and hurt and would get teary and struggle to finish the song without breaking down. She remains to be and will forever be my muse.

"How many times do I have to tell you Becs? I don't care whether or not they know about me or us." Chloe would say nonchalantly as she takes her seat beside me on the couch.

I lift my arm so she can snuggle into me perfectly and she does. "But they ask me every time, who my songs are about. I want the whole world to know who my inspiration is behind my songs." I explained to her as I hug her tighter.

"What are Theo's thoughts?"

"Theo?" I furrowed my brows and maybe it was the tone in my voice that made Chloe look up.

"Yeah Bec. He knows the industry and I know he has your best interests at heart."

I started to release my hold of Chloe and pull back my arm just so I can cross them and pout. Chloe just laughs at my antics and sits up straight. Now it's her turn to open her arms so I can snuggle up to her.

"Come here."

I allowed myself to fall into her. She does give the best cuddles. It was like a trap. She could make you feel so safe and make you agree to anything she wants.

"We knew the moment you signed that contract and released this album that you were going to be big. I am prepared for this. I know what I'm walking into and I want to support you in every way that I can for you to become the biggest star this industry has ever known."

"All I wanted was to write songs." I huffed slightly.

"I know deep down you want to become an artist, a performer, and I am so proud and honoured to witness you living those dreams."

"What if I have a new dream?" It was my turn to look up at her. "You. You are my new dream."

She laughed such a genuine laugh that we were both shaking cause she was still holding on to me. "Don't be silly Becs, you already have me."

"Well it sure doesn't feel like it when I can't let the whole world know." I continued to pout.

Chloe was quiet and when I looked up again, she crashed her lips into mine with so much longing that I wasn't ready for. She even pulled me to her and laid on her back so that I was straddling her while pressing her hands on my back so that I would not be able to break the kiss and to keep our bodies pressed against each other. Not that I was planning on breaking this kiss anytime soon anyway.

The sudden change in the atmosphere and a stifled moan from Chloe was all it took to put all my senses into overdrive.

I opened my eyes and saw dark eyes looking back at me. "How about now? Does it feel like I'm all yours now?" Chloe asked in her most sultry voice, teasing. I kissed her harder this time.

"Let's move to the bedroom baby please, I can't concentrate knowing Aubrey and Stacie can walk in at any minute." I almost begged.

She giggled as she kept kissing me and wrapped her arms around my neck. My sweet and innocent Chloe was back. "I love you, you know that right."

"And I love you. Now please get your pretty ass up so I can show you just how much… in the bedroom."

For the second time tonight, another hearty laugh came from Chloe.

A knock on the door made me jump and brought me back to the present.

"Beca, the bus is leaving in half an hour."

"Got it. I'll be out in a bit."

I looked at myself in the mirror and I was a bit flushed because of that memory. Three years on and that's the effect she has on me. I shake my head, cold shower it is.

I was about to get in when my phone started ringing. I looked at the caller ID but it just showed a number. I usually don't answer unknown numbers but what the hell, I needed a distraction after that.

"Hello?" I simply said.

"Oh." It was all I heard. It was as if the caller was surprised that I actually picked up.

"Hello?" I say again, encouraging the person at the other end to speak up.

I could hear the other person take a deep breath and then I heard it loud and clear.

"Hi Bec."

I was stunned. There was no mistaking that the person calling me is none other than Chloe Beale. I panicked, hung up and threw my phone to the sofa.

My phone rang again. It was laying face down. So I slowly reached for it and flipped it over. It was still ringing and I could see it was from the same unknown number.

I stared at it for a while and weighed on whether or not I should answer. Ultimately I sat down on the sofa, picked up my phone and decided to answer the call, really pressing my phone into my ear to make sure I wasn't imagining things.

Chloe spoke again or more like rambled which made me jump once more. "Please don't hang up. Or I mean hang up if you want to. I mean I don't mean to tell you what to do. You can do whatever you want."

I opened and closed my mouth. Nothing. No words from me as I can't seem to form any.

Chloe continued. "Okay, I guess while I have you. I was at Grammy's this weekend. And I don't know now. I'm not sure if you know but I think you do. She hasn't been exactly well. And well. I guess what I'm trying to say is…" I heard her sigh. Is it weird that I can imagine exactly how she is right now. It was as if I could hear the wheels turning in her head. I didn't even realise the tears that were threatening to fall.

"What a disaster this is. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm saying." Chloe continued to ramble. "I just. Okay. I don't think this is going to work. I'm terrible. I'm going to hang up now and just send you a text."

This made me stand up. I didn't want this call to end.

"Wait. No." I finally found my voice. "I mean. Is everything okay? You wouldn't be calling me if…"

"No no, god no. Everything is fine. I just think this conversation will be better in person. I mean it's a bit complicated."

There it was again the pang in my chest. I used my free hand to wipe my tears. The last time Chloe and I spoke on the phone, she broke up with me. Didn't I at least deserve our break up to happen in person as well?

I had to do some breathing, the last thing I wanted was to fight with Chloe or breakdown right here. Especially right now that I actually have her on the other end, she refused to talk to me after that break up call. Chloe kept on rambling and I had to keep myself from shaking.

"Would you by any chance know when you will be in Portland next?" She finally asked.

I cleared my throat to keep my voice from being shaky trying to hide the sniffles. "I don't know yet. Why?"

"I know I'm the last person you want to see or talk to. And I wouldn't have bothered you. But it's Grammy. Tell me where you will be in the coming days instead. I'll go to you."

Something serious must be really up. "What about Grammy? Chlo, you're making me nervous." I didn't even realise the nickname that slipped. I can feel my heart threatening to pump out of my chest.

"Don't be. I promise it's not that big of a deal. But I understand if you don't want to see me. I wouldn't want to see me too."

It's never nothing with her. "Dallas."

"What?" A confused Chloe asks.

"My next show is in Dallas, which will be in 2 days but we are arriving there tomorrow. I'll let you know where I'll be staying."

"Okay can we meet after your show or is that too late for you?"

"I don't mind. We can meet then."

"Okay. Oh and Beca?"

"Yes?"

"Can you keep this between us for now? Stacie and Aubrey included."

This girl will be the death of me. I have to know what's going on right now.

"Chloe. Can you meet me in Dallas tomorrow instead? Or believe me when I say I am going to be in the first flight out to Portland."

"Okay. Tomorrow. I'll just sort some stuff out but we will talk tomorrow." Chloe answers quickly.

"If you're not here tomorrow-"

"I'll be there."

"Okay."

"Okay bye and I'm sorry. Bye." She hangs up.

I stare at my phone in disbelief. What the fuck just happened?