Ch 1: Let Your Heart Hold Fast

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Robin

It all started when Robin held Marvin for the first time. To say it was an epic epiphany would be a stretch, but it did make Robin reconsider her revulsion towards babies. In those few moments as the kid deliriously gurgled in her arms, her heart had created a room for emotions she had not known to perceive in the past.

What she felt was much more profound than just pure joy; it was a sense of strength and vulnerability all at the same time. Because she was holding another human – someone who, at least at that moment, relied on her for sheer survival. There was power in that fact, and also a chance to royally screw it up. And that cocktail of feelings was a new type of intoxicating. Deep down, Robin also knew her newly kindled affection was specific to the baby in her arms. Because it – he – was a part of Lily and Marshall. He was family. Hell, he was a part of her.

The recent fiasco during her pregnancy scare had practically cemented the no-babies policy in Robin's grand plan. But even before that, she had never really chalked up children as a part of her life. In some ways, that had made it a tad easier for Robin to process her infertility, and she had come to terms with it eventually. But of course, the universe just has to throw a wrench in my plans, she couldn't help but complain. In this case, it was the baby in her arms that had taken a break from the incessant babbling and was currently looking at Robin intently with his big (adorable) eyes.

They were still at Ted's house with Jeanette wreaking havoc in the room upstairs. Lily and Marshall were trying to console Ted while he seemed hopelessly lost. And Barney was, well, being Barney and trying to lighten the mood with his wildly inappropriate anecdotes. But Robin was oblivious to them all as she held baby Marvin in her arms, returning his transfixed gaze with a wistful look of her own.

There was a loud crash that sounded more alarming than the existing cacophony, and the rest of the gang dashed upstairs to find its source. Marvin, however, did not fancy the new noise and began howling in protest. The panic was instantaneous as Robin whipped her head towards the stairs. But the commotion only seemed to increase, making it clear to her that it would be a while before Lily or Marshall would come down and take the not-so-happy child from her.

Robin's heart clenched at the sight of Marvin's big, fat tears. She racked her brain for tactics to calm the baby and even tried them. Well, she tried it, which was rhythmically rocking him and awkwardly mumbling sweet nothings into his ear. It only managed to reduce his wailing to slight, but consistent, whimpers.

And then she did the only other thing that came to her mind. And to her surprise – and relief – it actually worked. She watched Marvin's cries subside and his wondrous look return as she lightly hummed the tune of Sandcastles in the Sand. Marvin looked at her like he was seeing a whole a new world. A dazzling place I never knew. Pre-Marvin Robin would have cringed at the cheesiness of that internal Disney reference, but currently, she couldn't care less right now, basking in the glow of the quasi-maternal bubble surrounding the two.

As she reached the end of the song, Robin found that Marvin had clasped her index finger his tiny hand. And he had no intention of letting go, she realised, noticing his tight grip. And surprisingly, Robin didn't seem to mind it at all. In fact, she revelled in this new-found bliss, emotions bursting within herself at the intimacy. Why, Scherbatsky, it's official. You've caught feelings for babies, she groaned internally. And the reality of the situation hit her like a bus at that moment: she would never be able have this feeling truly for herself.

Marshall

That's how Marshall found Robin and Marvin as he came down to check on his son, after he heard the wailing and the soft song that followed. The sight was so delicate that it made him halt in his steps, not wanting to disturb the blanket of joy that enveloped the two. As he looked on, it occurred to him that he hadn't seen Robin hold Marvin, ever. This is totally a big moment for her, Marshall realised as he recalled the last bit that Robin had muttered earlier, right after Lily had absentmindedly handed the baby over to her.

He craned his neck to get a better view of them and his breath caught when he saw Marvin hold Robin's finger. He had rarely done that before, and Marshall's fatherly sentiments tingled with envy. The little traitor. We give him custom-made lullabies, but one song by his Aunt Robin and he has changed parties. Playfully miffed, Marshall started walking towards them, and crashed right into the couch in the process. Just like that, the spell was broken, and Robin's head whipped towards him.

"Hey," Marshall addressed her, his eyes softening at the sight of his smiling son.

"Hey," Robin replied, looking rather sheepish.

"I take it you're having a good time…?"

"Uh, yeah, the best."

"You know, Marvin's never this quiet and calm with someone who's held him for the first time," Marshall prodded lightly.

Robin looked away sharply, "Yeah, uh, he's a great kid."

"He's not done that too many times before," Marshall said, pointing to Robin's finger in the baby's hand, "I guess, he must really like you."

Robin's eyes sparkled for just a millisecond before getting clouded and she averted her gaze from Marshall back to the baby. The action was almost imperceptible to onlookers, but not for Marshall. Wow, she ain't a real robot after all, he noted to himself. She tried to play it off with a nonchalant shrug, but Marshall could sense her discomfort. He had heard all about (and seen) Robin's repulsion towards babies, but he had never quite known the reason. But a man as sensitive as he was knew how deep it ran.

He wasn't as close to Robin as Lily was, but he and Robin had hung out several times – just the two of them – to try new pancake toppings when either was feeling adventurous. They'd started doing that after the whole Mermaid Theory incident a few years go. And during those few hangouts, Robin had inadvertently shared a lot about her childhood with Marshall. It would usually just get slipped into the conversation, whenever Marshall talked about his brothers or father. And it would give him a reality check, because his family and childhood had been happy, if not entirely perfect.

She would casually mention one of her borderline (and most of the times actually) traumatising childhood story, trying to sound detached, and unfailingly follow it with a joke. But Marshall knew that Robin needed to hide her insecurities and so, he would pretend to miss the fact that he understood just how affected she was by it. He would always feel like asking her to share more about them, to let out her bitterness, but he could never muster up the courage to interrogate the ice queen.

He also knew that her whole infertility thing was a sore spot for Robin, as much as she tried to appear impassive. And after observing her cagey behaviour right now, he could also sense that holding Marvin had got to stir up some unpleasant emotions. He predicted that she would avoid the conversation even if he initiated it. But he simply couldn't chicken out this time as well.

But as he saw the rest of the gang coming back to the hall, Marshall knew he'd lost his chance to question her that night, too, and Robin was saved from formulating yet another offhanded reply.

Robin

Later that night, as Robin held a sleeping Marvin in Lily and Marshall's house, she knew she had to savour these moments before she went back to her reality. She had freaked out momentarily when Marvin soiled his diaper, her loathing towards babies almost returning at the thought of dealing with… the unspeakable by-products of the baby's metabolism. But his carefree giggles had been hard to defeat as he'd flailed his tiny arms adorably, having woken up because of Robin's fidgeting, while she'd gone about getting him changed. All she could do was satisfy the kid's every whim, while he enjoyed the new-found attention from his aunt for the rest of the night.

The whole experience was like watching the sun as it shined over the ocean's horizon, the shimmer of its rays across the waves reminding the world of its boundless, untouchable beauty until it slowly disappeared into the twilight. Robin had always found that prettier than the anything on the beach. Over the years, she'd learnt the obvious fact that while she could trace those twinkles of light, dancing from one ripple in the water to another, she would never be able to catch them, no matter how far she went chasing after them. They would always remain just out of her reach, eternally teasing her. And that just made them even more enticing.

Which was why the following day, as Robin made her way back to her apartment in the early hours, she was filled with a strange sense of loss. Which was ironic, since she was grieving the loss of something she didn't even have. And didn't even want, she reminded herself. But this time, it was different. Because she had felt first-hand, although briefly, the joy (and deuces) a baby could bring to one's life, and she had liked it. But just like the sparkles in the sea, she would never be able to have that joy for herself.

With that devastating realisation, Robin Scherbatsky understood just how badly she was screwed.

Author's note: There's the first chapter. I know I might have made it sound intense, and in some ways it is. You guys may think that Robin would be depressed in the next chapter, and you would right to guess so. But I promise it will all be in character, and even while moping, Robin would still be bad-ass.

The S7 episode "Symphony of Illumination" is easily one of the best in my opinion. The creators dealt with the issue of Robin's infertility very well, explaining her stand regarding the whole thing in an excellent way. So, I won't be making Robin suddenly realise that she wants to have kids; that's her choice and I respect that. It's just that she has never really handled any kid in the show before Marvin and so I felt like after experiencing that, she might rethink some aspects about her no-children rule.

Like Robin says on the show, to not want something is one thing, and to be told that you can never have it is another. But to know that you can never have it after getting a taste of what it really is...? That's a whole new ball game in my opinion. And that's really what I want to describe.

Anyway, hope you guys continue reading!

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters in this story.