Author's Note: ...
Kevin was standing in his garage staring at an empty spot. "Those dumbdorks took my motorcycle!" he screeched. Kevin was the local jock boy in the Cul-De-Sac and loved his bike like it was his fiance. Now it was gone and he was going to get revenge.
"What's wrong, Kevi Boo Boo?" Nazz asked as she walked up his driveway. Nazz was a dumb slut who was loved by everyone in the Cul-De-Sac because she puts out on the reg.
"Those scamdorks made off with my bike, dude!" Kevin raged. "Now I'm in pounding mode!"
"Hold on a sec, Revvin' Kevin, it wasn't them!" Nazz corrected but it was too late. Kevin had already bounded off to find the Eds. Nazz was such a useless character that she did nothing to stop him.
"When I find them I'm making body bags out of those deaddorks!" Kevin seethed to himself. He spotted Edd and Eddy going to Ed's house. "My dork detectors never fail me."
"Hold on, Double D," Eddy said as he stopped at the door to Ed's cave of smelly wonders. "Ed might be flogging the bishop in there."
"Eddy, we've seen each other naked so many times it hardly even matters to me," Edd answered.
"Good f***ing point, remind me to buy you guys some suspenders so I stop getting flashed all the time." With that, Eddy entered Ed's room with Edd close behind. They found Ed staring at the wall admiring the moss growth.
"Greetings and good 'morrow, Ed," Edd said meekly. Ed didn't answer.
"Do you have walnuts in your d*** ears, Ed? Double D just said hello a**hole!" Eddy followed up before kicking Ed in the knee.
"*Guffaws* guys im depressed ahahaha i think sarah hates my guts," Ed eked out.
"No duh, s*** for brains," Eddy said coldly.
"Now, now, Eddy. It's not the time for bluntness," Edd said before laying a hand on Ed's sticky shoulder.
"*Guffaws* i just wish sarah would say she loves me ahahaha just once," Ed lamented.
"Ed, one day, in the near future, Sarah will realize how much you mean to her and tell you. Just give her time," Edd answered. Ed nodded slowly and Edd playfully gave him a sensual shoulder rub.
"Enough sappy bulls***, we got Kankers after our salty nuts," Eddy interjected.
"*Guffaws* oh no ahahaha my nuts are half off right now," Ed said worriedly.
"Don't worry, lumpy, Rolf's got us covered! Let's hide out at his place until those fine minks lose interest and we'll be in the f***ing clear!"
"*Guffaws* do u think rolf will have finger food," Ed asked.
"By God's Grace, I sure hope so," Edd answered as he was feeling peckish.
The Eds knocked on Rolf's door all at the same time because they're cute and do things together. Rolf answered the door quickly - he was a tall immigration-dodging bandit from some place called the old country. He had gotten a bit better at speaking English over the past four years but still said his own name all the time because he has a big fucking ego.
"Greetings, better-watch-your-college-fund Ed-boys!" Rolf said before giving an Urban Ranger salute. "What brings you to Rolf's abode at such a middling hour? Looking to swindle Rolf just in time for lunch, yes?"
"Nah, Rolfy boy, we're lookin' for a hidey hole to get away from the Kankers!" Eddy explained. "You sellin' what we're buyin'?"
"Of course, the rob-a-baby-of-his-rattle Ed-boys are always welcome to cower in Rolf's living room!" Rolf then let the Eds inside before locking the door behind them and putting a chair against it.
"Ominous," Edd observed.
"Have a seat on Rolf's extended butt cushion and do not travel an inch out of place! He shall fetch you snacks from the cooking room!" Rolf said really fast before leaving really fast.
"Suspicious," Edd observed.
"Stop downing Rolf, sockhead. That f***er is saving our a**es so show a little appreciation!" Eddy ordered.
"*Guffaws* yeah double dee ahahaha my ass is feeling secure and sleepy," Ed added.
"Very well then, I'll ignore my instincts and follow you two blindly toward oblivion as always," Edd replied merrily.
"The Ed-boys have arrived just as you predicted, sisters-who-swallow-loads!" Rolf said as he sweated and shook. He was in the kitchen with the Kanker sisters who were cleaning out his fridge for the winter.
"*Snort* golly this is sum gewd sausage paste lol imma gain ten pounds in ten minutes," May spewed as she shoveled meat into her gullet.
"No kiddin'. I'm going to have to stick my finger down my throat after this," Marie said as she licked her chops clean of protein.
"Enough feastin', girls, our men are waitin' in the next room! Save room for dessert," Lee stated as her sisters got their shit together.
"While partaking in the assault of the Ed-boys, please mind Rolf's carpet! Rolf just steamed it!" Rolf pleaded.
"Fine, you're lucky I gotta soft spot for a man who's into housecleanin'!" Lee answered before leading her sisters to torture the Eds.
"*Guffaws* i found a chicken head between the couch cushions ahahaha i will now hug it," Ed exclaimed as he coddled the deceased decapitated poultry head.
"You're a riot, Ed! You can be the host at my next shindig that no one shows up to!" Eddy said before chuckling.
"I think your next party is going to be a rape therapy class!" Edd shouted as he pointed to the Kankers, who had magically appeared in the room. They tended to do that and it was spooky as hell.
"Oh s*** what are you guys phantoms?!" Eddy cried as he and his friends quivered on the couch.
"*Snort* maybe lol ill be your phantom of romance and haunt your dreams," May said lovingly.
"Nice one, May. I like that creepy Gothic shit," Marie said, finally admiring her ugly younger sister for once.
"You ain't been returnin' our calls, boys! Now we have to give you the Park N' Flush treatment!" Lee said as she whipped out a lipstick dispenser like a switchblade.
"Stay back or Ed will s*** his pants!" Eddy threatened. He had shit his pants.
"Not this time, grab-you-by-the-butt-cheeks Kanker-girls!" Rolf shouted as he bounded into the room and tackled the Kankers. "Make for freedom, Ed-boys! Rolf will hold them off!"
"Oh thank you, Rolf! You're a hero!" Edd answered as Rolf got his ass kicked in by the Kankers. The Eds ran for the door like it was a pile of jawbreakers.
"Let go of my sweet bod, farm guy. It needs to be in mint condition to slam into Double D's bod," Marie whined as she struck Rolf.
"You're just delayin' the inevitable! Take these hands!" Lee yelled as she beat Rolf.
"*Snort* i kinda like this guys lol this is family bonding rite here," May said as she pounded Rolf.
"Shut up, May," Lee said.
"Let's get the f*** outta here!" Eddy said as he threw open Rolf's door.
"It's time to dunk on dorks!" Kevin screamed from Rolf's porch before throwing a right hook.
"*Guffaws* quack," Ed said as he and his friends ducked. Kevin missed his swing and got tackled by the Kankers.
"To the everglades, fellows! We'll lose them in the Peach Creek mists!" Edd cried as he and his friends began galloping away.
"What the f*** are you talkin' about, Double D?!" Eddy asked as they left a dusty trail.
"*Snort* oh no guys lol we just fucked up and let the catch of the day get away," May pointed out.
"I ain't complainin', we can just have fun with these two and call it quits," Lee answered as she stacked Rolf and Kevin on each other like a ghetto Jenga tower.
"Sucks for them. I've got personal issues to take out all over their faces," Marie chimed in. The Kankers then laughed and shut the door to do disgusting things to their bodies.