I was and then I wasn't. Reality folded and caved on itself to awaken me in that cell. Memories that I should've not kept echoing in my mind, telling me the ending and beginning of my story. Cassandra yelling about death and Leliana telling her to stay her hand. The pain of the Anchor, vibrating on my hand, reminding me it was all real. I fell into motion heading toward the Breach, nothing else seemed important, until I reach them. Varric and Solas, fighting the beasts beyond the Veil, Demons. I couldn't contain my rage and I didn't want to. I let loose a curse upon the Dread Wolf in elven, blaming him for it all, letting loose an arrow at Solas. I wanted him dead, for nothing but principle.
He dodged easily, and my arrow found a target in the demon he was attacking, but his eyes said he heard my declaration, blaming him. No one else takes notice, not knowing the old Elven language. We seal the first rift, like normal and Haven became my home. When I speak to him, I can tell he assumes I was blaming the idea of the Dread Wolf, not Solas himself. It makes it easy to pretend. He and I go through the motions, finding the rifts, fixing Corypheous's ripple effect. I always watched him, Solas, wondering about this supposed not god. It wasn't until Skyhold, having spent months with him that I put the memories aside. He stood painting murals; I was in awe of.
"I'm interested in what you told me of yourself and your studies. If you have time, I'd like to hear more." I gazed at this person I remembered as a God. He set in motion the horrors I found myself fighting. Unintentional as it all was, he was to blame, yet I found myself forgiving him. He looked at me as he always did, with mild interest and a bit of curiosity.
"You continue to surprise me. All right let us talk... Preferably somewhere more interesting than this." Solas spoke with a distance from the truth. We were suddenly in Haven, the place that was destroyed during our escape. I had to pause, the memories I shouldn't have telling me we were in the fade, but I didn't know how we ended up there. I watched him walk toward the chantry that shouldn't be here anymore. My elf ears turned a light red, remembering what this scene could hold. Solas paused, realizing I wasn't following and waited. I remembered him as the Dread Wolf, an all-powerful being, who meant to destroy the world. However, at that moment he was Solas. Elven Apostate who knew too much and shared too little.
"Why here?" I was locked in the scene, as it played out like I remembered. He would take me to the place where my story began, the cells below the chantry.
"Haven is familiar. It will always be important to you." He spoke no knowing the full extent of his statement. I was born here, it away. I remember before like a dizzy memory; it wasn't real for me.
"Yes, I suppose it will." We appeared at the cells, as if it appeared around us, and we didn't walk to it. The room where I was bound hadn't changed, the shackles that held me frozen in time. A cruel reminder of my fate. Trapped, forced to repeat this game over and over, or so my dizzy memories tell me. Like they tell me Solas was Fen'harel.
"I sat beside you while you slept, studying the anchor." He was locked in the scene, as I was. Repeating lines over and over when the time was right. It happened on our travels as well. Months we spent together adventuring, I only remembered the lines he repeats clearly. The other memories turn to haze, like a dream I can barely remember.
"How long can it take to look at a mark on my hand." I looked at it then back at him to prove my point.
"A magical mark of unknown origin, tied to a unique breach in the veil? Longer then you might think. I ran every test I could imagine, searched the Veil. Yet found nothing. Cassandra suspected duplicity. She threatened to have me executed as an apostate if I didn't produce results." this time I smile, he was partly lying, I was certain he wanted to take the mark from me, but found he couldn't. Or maybe he knew he couldn't, and moved into damage control.
"Cassandra is like that with everyone." I couldn't say what I wanted, the scene pulling me along. I had so many things I wanted to say.
"yes." he chuckled, and I thought I had never really tried to know him. I saw the Dread Wolf and acted accordingly. "You were never going to wake up. A mortal sent physically through the Fade? I was frustrated, frightened. The spirits I might have consulted had been driven away by the breach. Although I had wished to help, I had no faith in Cassandra... or she in me. I was ready to flee." My mind was racing, the need to fight or flight warming my skin and trying to pull me from the forced scene.
"The Breach threated everyone. Where did you plan to go?" My mouth moved as my body tried to rip itself free from the repeating lines, he and I had said as many times as I'd lived this story.
"Somewhere far way where I might research a way to repair the breach before its effects reached me. I never said it was a good plan." I was twisting, my face tight with effort. I would say what I wanted. "I told myself: one more attempt to seal the rift. I tried and failed. No ordinary magic would affect them. I watched the rift expand and grow, resigned myself to flee, and then..." A flash of the moment I closed the rift, Solas's hand holding my wrist. I knew how to close the rifts; I knew it would force me to have him help. I wanted to kill him. All these thoughts flashed through the memory as we did. "It seems you hold the key to our salvation. You had sealed it with a gesture... and right then, I felt the whole world change."
"Felt the whole world change?" The words were sharper than they were supposed to be. I wouldn't do this. Not again. I thrashed against whatever was forcing me to walk this path.
"A figure of Speech." He didn't notice, or maybe he couldn't. He was looking at me like he always did, we would kiss next.
"I'm..." I bit my lip drawing blood. His face twisted and looked around, I wondered if he had the dizzy memories like I did, and just couldn't see them. "I'm sorry Solas." I felt the world shift and barely stayed standing as we were thrown off the set path for the first time. He started, looking at me both confused and so certain.
"Sorry? For what Inquisitor?"
"You are not what I expected." I touched his chest, trying to feel the heartbeat I hoped was there, maybe I was wrong. "I thought you were some All-powerful know it all god, who thinks he knows what's best for the world." He took a sharp breath grabbing my hand tightly, his eyes holding panic or maybe it was something darker, either way I continued. "the Dread Wolf... the destroyer of the world." His jaw tightened.
"You were trying to kill me." He spoke of the first time he remembers us meeting, my curse and arrow, both missing their target. "You knew it was my orb." His hand grasped mine so tightly, it hurt. I didn't mind, it reminded me that I was real, and so was he. Even in the fade Solas looked otherworldly.
"Yes, you were this 'Other'. This thing that put this curse on my hand and set the world on a path of destruction." I looked at his face finally, tinted with red, angry or something else, I didn't know. His eyes narrow; his grip getting tighter. "I'm sorry..." I didn't look away, loving the way he gazing at me surprised. He was rarely surprised, or if he was, he hid it well, but this time it was in every line on his face.
"How?" I ignored his question, not really knowing myself. He let my hand go and it fell to my side. His face was twisting between anger and surprise. "What will you do now?" He was preparing himself for me to throw his plans back into chaos. I could easily tell the others and they would believe me. He would be forced out and would lose any chance of getting that orb.
"Nothing." I touched his face, it was warm, alive. "You're a person, just like me. Not a god, a bit of a know it all." He chuckled; he was shaking slightly. "You were forced into a situation and made to make hard impossible choses." I smiled, removing my hand from his face, content to wait for the scene to end. He grabbed my upper arm and yanked me back to him. The world shifted back, the scene played on, as he kissed me. It was more intense and real then all the times before. He kept his arms around me, our faces till close together.
"You are real." He kissed me again, slower this time, thoughtful. I felt the truth of it this time. It wasn't in need, desire, or desperation, but filled with feelings of acceptance. He pulled away stepping back, his eyes glazed over, his face twisting fighting something. He lost and I watched the memories fade and vanish.
"We shouldn't, it isn't right. Not even here." I knew the story continued on, the changes I had made, lost to all but my memories.
"What do you mean, 'even here'?" I felt defeated, speaking like I was reading a line from a page.
"Where do you think we were?" His face was no longer red nor showing any sign of the struggle he had raged before, in an attempt to keep his memories. The moments changed by my will.
"This isn't real." I bit my lip, trying not to cry. He couldn't tell, the scene always the same for him, regardless of my struggle.
"That's a matter of debate... probably best discussed after you wake up." He spoke in a sing song way, as if he got one up on me. I shot up awake in bed, the scene over. I sobbed; this story would always run the same. I could change nothing. I couldn't apologize. I stayed in my room for the rest of the day, I'd continue the story tomorrow.