Chapter 2: Weird and Vulgar

Kairi took a stroll on her favorite play island in Destiny Islands. It was good to be home. The sun was going down, offering a beautiful sunset—yadda, yadda, yadda, then Magneto and Dr. Doom showed up, levitating just behind her.

"Excuse us—" said Dr. Doom.

"AAH!" Kairi shrieked.

"Our bad," said Magneto. "We should've announced our presence."

"Oh, no—it's you two again! What do you want?"

Clearing his metallic throat, Doom said, "Well, first—how do you do?"

"Yes, human, how are you?" Magneto asked.

"I'm fine. Now, again, what do you want?" Kairi questioned.

Magneto explained, "We were exploring some of Disney's intellectual properties for the sake of getting out of the house when we saw you standing there."

Doom continued, "We instantly recognized you and thought we might stop by to say hi. Ahem…"

Magneto rolled his eyes. "And to say thank you."

Confused, Kairi asked, "For what?"

"It was when you first found us in Capcom World, and I was about to take out my ungodly frustration on that factory in the wasteland," Magneto explained. "You stopped that from happening, and while I was angry about it at first, your actions prevented me from messing up my movie deal with Fox. And for that, human, I thank you."

"Don't think about it too much," Doom added.

Kairi said, "Right, so—you're welcome. Now will you please leave me in peace?"

Magneto continued, "You know, you remind me of my daughter. She's very headstrong, has wonderful intelligence, sports the red hair—but she's not a human." Shaking his head, he said, "Pity you can never meet her. I simply won't allow it."

"Great. Can we wrap this up?"

"Wait a minute," said Doctor Doom. "Are you talking about Wanda?"

Mags took a lethal tone, "Do NOT bring that up."

"Oh, you mean how I almost married her?"

"Aaaaaand you brought it up."

"Relax. You and the Avengers crashed the wedding before the ceremony even began—I didn't even get to the honeymoon. Shame, too. She was smokin' hot in that dress, but not nearly as smokin' hot as her son."

Both Magneto and Kairi gave WTF faces.

"No—I mean, he was smokin' hot after I fried him with my finger lasers in front of his mom."

Magneto criticized, "That was a weird way to say that, Victor."

"Go to hell. I had fun. I even turned into a good guy for five minutes."

Kairi excused herself, "I'm gonna leave, now."

As the princess walked back to the docks and prepared her boat for return to the mainland, Magneto and Doom got into a verbal argument about prenuptial agreements, which led to a physical altercation that saw laser beams, shockwaves, and intense magic spells being implored against one another. One of Doom's lasers struck Kairi's boat as she paddled in the opposite direction, leading to a loud sigh before she jumped ship and swam the remaining distance.

Just as she made it safely to the shore of the mainland, Kairi was almost taken out by Doom's flailing form as he went crashing into the beachfront. Yelling back at Magneto, he said, "That all you got? You fight like a small, remedial, human, pussy-punk-bitch who's not a mutant!"

"You...are definitely purchasing ice cream sundaes after I mop the floor with you!" said Magneto.

Strolling back to the car of her friend, Axel, Kairi ignored Magneto's ice cream resolution as he blasted more magnetic shockwaves, all of which missed Doom and nearly hit her.

Sitting in the car with Axel, Kairi irritably commanded, "Drive."

Checking out the fight brewing outside, Axel whistled and said, "Whoa, those guys are really throwin' down! Friends of yours?"

"Probably."

"Well, did you get any alone time on the island?"

"Not really."

"Aw, maybe next time."

Just then, Magneto and Doom landed on the hood of Axel's car, both wrestling like Olympic athletes. This prompted Axel to stick his head out the window and say, "Hey, c'mon, guys! Take it easy! This is a rental!"

Magneto tackled Doom off the car, choking his fellow super-villain as he said, "I'd better receive sprinkles on my sundae!"

"You fool!" Doom exclaimed. "MnMs are far superior!"

Loosening his grip, Magneto suddenly asked, "Wait, what were we arguing about?"

Standing back to his feet, Dr. Doom answered, "How I almost plowed your daughter."

Magneto punched him. "Let's go, Victor. I think I saw a Sonic Drive-Thru in that San Fransokyo world."

Shrugging off the jab, Doom added, "I was also going to let her toss my salad—"

Doom received another punch, falling to the ground. Magneto inferred, "Maybe we'll find an ice cream place on these islands somewhere?"

Standing back to his feet again, Doom added, "And then I was going to put on the BeeGees and drip hot candle wax—"

He got kicked in the crotch for that one. That's when Kairi informed Magneto, "Just try downtown. There's an ice cream shop in the middle of Main Street. But don't expect to find any sea-salt flavors."

Magneto asked, "Why the hell would I want sea-salt—?"

Doom returned, "Oh, and then I was gonna put on National Geographic—"

"Geez-zus!" Axel shouted. "Just stop tryna tell him about your perverted little sex fantasy! You're getting wrecked every time, dude!"

"What sex fantasy? Wanda and I were going to make dinner, which involved tossing fresh salads and whatnot. Then, we would've put on the BeeGees while making candle wax sculptures, not to mention a little downtime on the couch with the National Geographic. All of that was going to happen before I tore that ass up."

From the passenger's seat of Axel's rental, Kairi commented, "In your own weird and vulgar way, that's kind of romantic."

Doctor Doom frowned behind his mask. "Who are you again?"

"…Axel, drive."