As she sat at the kitchen table the next morning sipping a cup of tea and petting Magnus, their 8 year old Australian shepherd, she revisited the history of their relationship for the millionth time. Like a detective scouring over a crime scene, she sifted through memory after memory, trying to find answers to the same questions that ran on replay over and over through her mind.

They'd began dating their last year at Hogwarts. Being head boy and girl meant they spent a lot of time together, and being some of the few who returned from their class meant they had a lot to bond over. She quickly fell in love with his passion and whit, and things naturally progressed rather quickly. After graduating they got jobs at the ministry, another 6 months of dating and he proposed, and 6 months after that they were wed. Within a year they were unexpectedly pregnant with Cassiopeia and two years later, Scorpius.

Sure they'd had their problems. They each brought a ton of baggage to the table. They'd fought in a bloody war, as teenagers. There was trauma and regret and guilt on both sides. But what they both wanted more than anything was to be regular people, to be seen for who they really were at their cores. So they hadn't spent a ton of time rehashing the past. They focused on who they were and who they wanted to be and the life they wanted to build together, and they took the rest in stride.

He shielded her as best he could from the prejudice of his family and friends, and she shielded him as best she could from the judgment of hers. She supported his work as an Auror and made the decision herself to stay in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures instead of pursuing her dream of Minister, despite Draco's protests otherwise. And they both poured everything they could into creating a happy and safe childhood for their children.

And in that regard, she truly believed they had succeeded. Cassy and Scorp had grown into incredible young people. Cassy was 14 and a third year Ravenclaw. She was bright, funny, and a natural born leader with a heart of gold. Scorpius, a first year Slytherin, was a bit more reserved and certainly more mischievous, but he was a good kid and shaping up to be one hell of a Quidditch player. Hermione and Draco were immensely proud of them both.

The drinking and smoking started at Hogwarts. He used it as a stress reliever, a way to cope with the pain of the past and the pressures of the present. But everyone drank. Everyone smoked. Well, obviously not everyone. I mean she didn't. And none of her close friends did that often. But people did. And it wasn't like one day he suddenly spiraled out of control… One beer became two. Two became three. A couple cigarettes became half a pack, A half pack became a full. It happened over years, and she honestly didn't notice until he was too far gone.

Cassiopeia was 3 when he first cheated on her. It was with Harriet Bunting, a 19 year old auror secretary. They'd been too careless to lock the door, and someone from the janitorial staff had walked in and sold the memory. Ginny was writing for The Daily Prophet at the time and, with Harry's influence, she kept it out of the papers. But the humiliation still nearly ended their marriage. Hermione didn't speak to him for a month. Eventually, however, she convinced herself it was her fault. She hadn't quite gained her figure back since Scorpius' birth. Her libido had been down. She'd gone back to work too soon. And he said it was the biggest mistake of his life. He promised he'd never do it again.

The second time, Lucius had paid a hefty sum to keep it out of the press. While her father-in-law would never admit to her that he supported her union with his son, she knew he at least respected her. And he loved her children with a strength she honestly didn't think him capable of. Cassy had just turned 6 when he'd been photographed drunk off his arse at a muggle hotel with, Julie Hart, some tart he'd picked up at a club. He'd stayed with Lucius and Narcissa for 3 months that time. Lucius had threatened to cut off his inheritance if he dared to disgrace the Malfoy name again. Her parents had begged her to leave him. Harry had begged her to leave him. Instead, she'd gotten pregnant.

But honestly, getting pregnant was the best thing that could have happened to them. Draco was amazingly attentive when she was in need. He always had been. He loved taking care of her, and, for the most part, he stayed sober when he did. If she was being honest, she'd missed her birth control intentionally. She had known logically it was stupid and irresponsible to use a pregnancy to save a marriage, but she had been at a point where she was desperate enough to try. At 20 weeks they found out they were having a little boy. They also found out he had a genetic defect that would make it impossible for him to survive outside the womb. She blamed herself. She had never felt more guilty. But Draco was a saint. They named him Caelum. He passed away 8 hours after she'd given birth, and Draco was by her side the entire time. It was a beautiful memory, one she forced herself every day not to regret.

When Cassy was 10 she came home with the children early from a long weekend at her parent's and found Helen McKinnon, a colleage from work, in her bed. To her knowledge, that was the first time Draco had cheated with a married woman, and somehow that made it worse. She'd asked for a separation. He'd fought her on it. She'd given in. Over the last four years there had been six similar situations. Hailey Cole, Theresa Monson, Patty Black, Kathleen Porter, Naomi Roberts, Tilda Sweeney. And that wasn't even counting his newest conquest. None had made it to the press; he was smarter than that now. But he was getting lazier and lazier every time. For some reason, though, it didn't feel like it was because he wanted her to find out or because he didn't care if she did. He still got upset every time. It just seemed like he wasn't thinking. He was slipping. The partying and drinking had gotten worse too, especially since Scorpius started Hogwarts in the Fall. She figured he didn't feel the pressure to set an example anymore. He went mostly to muggle bars and clubs as far as she knew, so that had stayed out of the press as well, but it was only a matter of time.

She knew it was naïve and dumb to expect anything different after all of these years. The definition of insanity, after all, was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Clearly he had a problem or a pattern or both. But every time he cheated she would find some way to convince herself it was her fault, and she would try to be better and he would try to be better and, for a time, they would be. Sure he'd still come home drunk off his arse now and then. And there would be nights when he didn't come home at all. But he always had excuses, and she would be so happy that she was at least seeing her Draco again that she'd let it slide. But inevitably she'd find a lipstick stain on a wineglass that wasn't hers or an email left pulled up on the computer or someone else's knickers in the laundry, and the cycle would repeat. Now that she thought about it, though, she hadn't seen her Draco in months. He and Harry hadn't been friends in years, but they still worked together, and he'd let her know just before the New York trip that Draco's performance was slipping.

She assumed he wasn't ok. But she honestly didn't know what was going on. She'd tried talking to Blaise and Theo about it over the years. She'd tried talking to his parents. But they all seemed as confused and concerned as she was. They'd all tried to suggest he go to rehab or therapy, but it always resulted in a fight. At this point it seemed they were all tired of fighting, including Draco. She didn't want to leave him. After all of it, as crazy as she knew it was, she still truly didn't want to be without him. But she knew the clock had been ticking for a while, and he really wasn't giving her much of another choice. She was completely exhausted physically and emotionally, and she didn't know how much longer she could keep this up. Years ago, a moment like they had last night would have given her cause to hope. It would have sustained her for months. But she knew better now. He would come down stairs and pretend nothing was wrong, but if she tried to broach the subject, he'd balk. She needed him on his best behavior today. It was the annual Ministry gala, and they both desperately needed to put in a good face. She was going to have to hold her tongue.

Almost as if on cue, she heard him walking down the stairs. He went straight to the cupboard, grabbed a box of cereal and a bowl, and sat down next to her at the table. She studied him as he poured the contents into the bowl and began munching at the dry flakes. He was only 35, but he looked so much older. He could easily have passed for 45 if not 50. There were creases on his forehead and bags under his eyes she hadn't noticed before.

Don't say anything. Don't say anything. Let the man eat his god damn dry cereal Hermione.

"I know all of their names," she blurted out.

Fuck.

"What?" he asked, glancing up at her.

"The women."

"What women?" he chuckled.

She just stared at him.

"Oh," he said, clearing his throat and lowering his gaze back to his breakfast as he caught her meaning.

"I hate that I know their names. I've tried for years to forget them. They don't deserve for me to remember their names. But no matter how hard I try, I can't forget. And those whose faces I was unfortunate enough to see, I can't forget those either"

"Hermione… I—"

"Stop. I don't need you to say anything. I don't want you to say anything. I just wanted you to know. I don't… I don't want you to think that what you're doing doesn't hurt me, because it does. I don't want you to think that because I haven't left you that I think this is ok, because I don't. I don't want you to think that I am in anyway ok with this arrangement, because I'm not."

"Is this… Is this about something I did or said last night? I don't really remem—"

"No, no Draco. Last night you were actually rather lovely, which was a nice surprise after you forced yourself on me when I confronted you about your infidelity earlier in the afternoon…"

He dropped is head to his hands. "Hermione… I'm so sorry. I can't say I'm sorry enough—"

"No Draco, no you really can't. At this point I'm honestly not sure there are enough sorrys in the whole world. But you know what you could do?"

He stared at her with those piercing silver eyes.

"Draco, I need to know why."

"Hermione don't."

"No, Draco! I won't just keep letting this happen to me!"

"I can't explain it… It's just sometimes, I get…"

"You get what Draco?"

"I don't fucking know," he said, and he kicked his chair over as he abruptly stood up. "I just get… I get fucking lost!"

"I don't know what that means Draco! What does that even mean?!"

"I told you I don't know!

"Are you depressed? Do you need to see a therapist? I can cal—"

"STOP!"

Magnus leapt from her lap and began barking at Draco, and she did her best to calm him down. This was her fault. She'd done this. She'd told herself not to provoke him. Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut?

"Just fucking STOP Hermione. What I need is a drink and a smoke," he said before grabbing his coat and heading towards the floo. "I'll see you at the gala."

"Don't you dare get yourself wasted Draco Malfoy! Do you hear me?!" she yelled as she chased after him.

But he was already gone.