Opening Montage

Music: "You're Standing On My Neck"

First, we see Quinn and her husband, Jim, driving a moving van toward New York City. This is followed by a shot of the Carbones and Ruttheimers having a joyous reunion in front of a new house on Long Island. Next, we see Quinn and Daria walking in Central Park. Quinn throws some popcorn to some happy, hungry squirrels. Daria does the same thing, but the squirrels run from her as if she were a monster. Next, we see Jim and Chuck talking with some neighbors. Afterwards, we see Quinn and Stacy mingle at a party while Daria and Jane stand off to the side and make snarky comments. Next, we see Daria and Quinn on the beach at Coney island. A bunch of studly guys start chatting up Quinn. When a fight breaks out both Quinn and Daria look dismayed. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Daria walking down the street. As someone is mugged in front of them Quinn is about to interfere until Daria dissuades her. Next, we see Quinn and Jim on a double date with Daria and a guy. The guy pays more attention to Quinn than Daria. This makes Jim visibly jealous. When a fight breaks out, both Daria and Quinn smirk that famous Mona Lisa smile. After this, we see a pink background with both Quinn and Daria's heads in a circle. Below them is the following caption...

Daria and Quinn

in

"Same Crap, Different Place"

written by

WildDogJJ

Act I

Scene 1

Ext. Shot: An apartment building in Hells Kitchen, day...

Int. Shot: Daria's apartment

Daria was sitting at her desk typing away on her computer when the phone rang. She immediately answered.

Daria: "Hello, you've reached the Ninth Circle of Hell, Lady Satan speaking."

Split-screen to reveal Quinn on the other end of the line.

Quinn: "Nice to hear you still have your sense of humor, dark mistress."

Daria: "Hey, Quinn. What's on your mind?"

Quinn: "I was just calling to see if you were still coming over for dinner tonight."

Daria: "You know I'll be there, even though Jane insists we go to lunch with her in Queens today."

Quinn looks puzzled.

Quinn: "I don't recall Jane inviting us to lunch."

Daria: "I didn't find out myself until a few minutes ago. I was going to call and tell you after I finished writing this new SNL sketch. Thanks for saving me the trouble."

Quinn: "I'll be there. Jim's gonna be spending all day making a vlog of our new home town."

Something occurs to Quinn at this point.

Quinn: "Why's Jane springing a last minute lunch date on us?"

Daria: "She wouldn't say. You know how Jane is. "

Quinn: (deadpan) "No drama equals no fun."

Daria: "Exactly!"

Both sisters laugh. Once the laughing stops...

Daria: "So, Jim's spending today making a video?"

Quinn: "And chauffering the boys around. In fact, he's taking them to school as we speak."

Scene 2

Ext. Shot: A street in Glenville, Long Island

We see a blue 2017 Camaro ZL1 going down the street.

Int. Shot: Jim's Camaro

Jim is driving while Tommy rides shotgun and Timmy and Teddy ride in the back seat. The scene should be eerily familiar to Daria fans.

Jim: "Boys, your mother and I want you to know that we understand it's not easy to start over at a new school in a new town."

Teddy: (deadpan) "Did we move? Also, why do I have a strange feeling this conversation's happened before?"

Tommy rolled his eyes.

Tommy: "Because you're weird like that."

Jim: (stern tone) "Tommy!"

Jim instantly calms down.

Jim: "I'm just saying that Teddy doesn't make friends as easily as...some people."

Teddy: "Tommy and Timmy, for instance."

Timmy: "Teddy, it's not hard to make friends."

Teddy: "Not when you're a sycophant who constantly sucks up to Tommy it isn't."

Tommy takes offense.

Tommy: "HEY!"

Jim doesn't want a fight.

Jim: "BOYS!"

He instantly calms down.

Jim: "I'm not comparing anyone to anyone...necessarily." (thought VO) Teddy's right, this conversation does feel like it happened before. (out loud) "What I'm trying to say is that the first day at a new school is bound to be trying for anyone. God knows it was for me, but my father wasn't much comfort."

All three of the triplets frown. They know what's coming. Jim veers off into a rant similar to ones they've heard from Grandpa Jake.

Jim: "Toughen up, you little nancy! Be a man, Jim! Be a warrior! DON'T QUESTION ME, BOY, I KILLED A HUNDRED GOOKS IN 'NAM! YOU'LL NEVER BE A MAN YOU MOTHER..."

Teddy immediately defuses the situation.

Teddy: "DAD!"

This snaps Jim out of his Jake-like rant.

Jim: "Sorry! What I'm trying to say is don't be discouraged if it takes the other kids a little time to warm up to you."

Ext. Shot: A two-story red brick building with a playground behind it.

As Jim's Camaro pulls up in front of the building we see a plaque that reads "Billy Joel Elementary School." Cut to a bunch of kids in front of the school as Jim's Camaro comes to a stop. The first kid to emerge is Tommy. One of the boys took one look at Tommy.

Boy: "You're cool! What's your name?"

Tommy: "Tommy Carbone."

Another boy spoke.

Boy 2: "Cool name! We should hang out."

A cute girl in pigtails approached and spoke to Tommy.

Girl: "You're cute!"

At this point, Timmy joined his brother.

Tommy: "This is my brother, Timmy."

Wanting to be in favor with Tommy all the other kids walked up to Timmy and were very nice to him. No one wanted to incur Tommy's wrath with comments about Timmy's weight. Cut to Teddy and Jim. Teddy rolled his eyes as even his own brothers seemed to forget that he was here.

Teddy: (sarcastic) "Gee, Dad, I'll try to help them through this difficult period of adjustment."

Jim was speechless.

Jim: (thought VO) Now I'm positive something like this happened before.

Scene 3

Ext. Shot: A commercial block in Queens.

Jane stands in front of the entrance to a bar labeled "Mystik bar and grille". Daria and Quinn approach. Jane then smiles.

Jane: "Glad you could make it!"

Daria: "Hey, Jane."

Quinn: "Not that I'm not happy to see you, Jane, but I would've appreciated a direct invite instead of finding out through my sister."

Jane shrugs.

Jane: "Lane Family Curse. We don't think things through."

Daria: "Way to state the obvious, Jane."

Int. Shot: Mystik Bar And Grille

The inside of the place looks like the Zon. The three women are seated at the bar. The bartender is Trent. Even though he's only 44 his gray, receding hair and sagging jaw line make him look like he's well into his sixties. This comes as no surpirse since, given his lifestyle, no one expected him to age well.

Trent: "Hey, Daria, Janey...um...Daria's sister."

Quinn rolled her eyes.

Quinn: "My name's not Daria's sister, it's Quinn."

Jane: "Mrs. Carbone if you're nasty."

Trent winked.

Trent: "I think I know how nasty she can be."

Quinn shrunk on her stool. She doesn't like to be reminded of her biggest sexual regret. Jane gives Trent a puzzled look, which Daria notices.

Daria: "I guess no one told you. Remember when Quinn broke up with Trevor right after college?"

Jane: "Because he didn't go pro? Yep, all too well."

Quinn got defensive.

Quinn: "I broke up with him because our lives were going in two different directions!"

Jane: "And his direction wasn't toward the NFL."

Quinn looks like she wants to tell Jane off, but thinks better of it.

Daria: "Jane, I never told you this because I just assumed you already knew. While Quinn was trying to get over Trevor she and Trent had a few drinks and...you know."

Jane smirked.

Jane: "I've heard of princesses kissing frogs, but sleeping with them?"

Quinn visibly wants to become invisible.

Quinn: "Look, it was a drunk mistake that I'd like to pretend never happened."

Trent scratches his now gray goatee.

Trent: "Um, yeah, maybe we should talk about something else."

Quinn: "How is it you could afford a bar?"

Before Trent could answer, Jane steps up.

Jane: "After Max's brother sold the place in Mirage he was kind enough to split everything with the guys. Trent put his share in a savings account that earns interest and promptly forgot about it."

Trent: "I mentioned it to Janey last year when I was having trouble landing Mystik Explosion gigs."

Quinn raised an eyebrow.

Quinn: "Mystik Explosion?"

Daria: "Formerly known as Mystik Spiral."

Jane: "But only Trent and Jessie are in it. Nick and Max gave up and got day jobs quite some time ago. Anyways, with all the accumulated interest he had enough money to buy this place and make Mystik Explosion the in house band."

At this point a gruff, heavy set man emerged from the kitchen with three plates of hamburgers and fries.

Cook: "Yo, Trent! Tha boigers are ready!"

Trent: "Thanks, Smitty."

Smitty placed the burgers on the bar in front of each woman. Daria, Quinn and Jane each take a bite and scrunch their faces in disgust.

Quinn: "Ewww! What the Hell!?"

Daria: "Why do these burgers taste like rubber!?"

Smitty points toward Trent.

Smitty: "Ax Mr. Narcolepsy over 'ere."

Trent looks embarrassed as he explains.

Trent: "I kinda missed the last shipment because I was asleep. We have to use the old stuff until next month." He scratches his chin in thought. "Oh, Yeah, I also forgot that our freezer is on the fritz. Should probably have that fixed."

Daria, Quinn and Jane all look like they could puke at any moment.

Scene 4

Ext. Shot: The new Casa Carbone, evening

Int. Shot: The kitchen

Daria, Quinn, Jim and the boys are seated at the table having dinner. Tommy is telling them about his day.

Tommy: "...and we had a lot of fun at recess. "

Daria smirked.

Daria: "This definitely happened before."

Teddy: "I've been having deja vu all day too. Before they let us in class we had to take a psychological exam."

Both Daria and Quinn frown. The boys first day at Joel Elementary School has played out exactly like their first day at Lawndale High.

Daria: "Let me guess, the teacher hates one of you for knowing all the answers and there are some interesting idiots in the class."

Teddy gives his aunt a quizzical look.

Teddy: "How'd you know?"

Daria: "Story of my life."

Quinn: "Now that you mention it, this is how our first day at Lawndale high went."

She turned to Teddy.

Quinn: "You didn't try to mess with the psychiatrist, did you Teddy?"

Now, Jim looks curious.

Jim: "Why?"

Daria: "Because I did the same thing and got misdaignosed with low self-esteem as a result."

Teddy now gulps with dread. Before the conversation can continue, however, the phone rings. Quinn gets up and answers.

Quinn: "Hello...Yes, I'm his mother..." Her expression darkens. "...I see...Look, I'm sure he was just messing around...No, I get it...Fine, we'll be there...See you then, bye."

Quinn then hung up and went to the table. She gave Teddy a stern look.

Quinn: "You messed with the psychiatrist, didn't you?"

Daria: "Let me guess, low self-esteem."

Quinn: "No, budding psychopathy."

Tommy and Timmy both gasp with dread. Jim gets angry.

Jim: "WHAT!? DAMMIT, TEDDY!"

Quinn immediately turns her ire on Jim.

Quinn: "JIM, FOCUS!"

As Jim calms down Quinn turns her attention on Teddy.

Quinn: "Dammit, Teddy! We constantly warn you time and again that you can't mess with people like this and you just...won't...listen!" She pounds her fists on the table. "WHAT THE FUCK'S WRONG WITH YOU!?"

Daria smirked.

Daria: "Genes from the Morgendorffer side of the family."

Tommy rolls his eyes while Timmy looks scared.

Timmy: "Is he gonna go on a mass shooting!?"

Tommy is more disdainful than frightened.

Tommy: "You know, it's gonna make me look bad if he does that."

Teddy sighed.

Teddy: "No, I'm not gonna go on a killing spree."

Everyone looks relieved until...

Teddy: "Doesn't mean I don't think it's a good idea. You know, help evolution along by removing some of the stupid genes."

Only Daria finds that wisecrack amusing. While everyone else looks disapprovingly at Teddy she flashes her Mona Lisa grin.

Act II

Scene 1

Ext. Shot: Billy Joel Elementary School, day

Music: "The Sickness" by Disturbed

Int. Shot: The principal's office

Quinn and Jim are seated in front of the principal's desk while the principal is seated behind his desk and the school psychiatrist is standing off to the side. The name on the principal's desk is M. Stickler. Stickler is a muscular man in his forties with dark brown hair cut in a severe military buzz with a flat top and the sides shorn to the point of being mere stubble. He has a square jaw and his face seems frozen in a stern scowl. The psychiatrist, Dr. Melnik, is a short, balding man in his fifties with a gray beard and thick glasses.

Mr. Stickler: "Mr. and Mrs. Carbone, I gather you understand the gravity of the situation."

Quinn: "Look, I think I know my own son. Trust me, he's not a psychopath. He just has an unusual sense of humor."

Dr. Melnik shakes his head.

Dr. Melnick: "That's not what the test results say, Mrs. Carbone."

Jim: "I happen to know for a fact that the types of tests administered by school shrinks use a methodology that is flawed and, more often than not, outdated."

Mr. Stickler scowls at Jim.

Mr. Stickler: "Is that a fact, Mr. Carbone? And how would you know this?"

Jim holds his ground.

Jim: "I went to Glen Harbor High, just a stone's throw from here and was subjected to a similar test."

Mr. Stickler picks up Teddy's file from his desk and skims through it.

Mr. Stickler: "Ah, I thought you looked familiar. Your brother and I graduated in the same class."

Jim looks confused.

Jim: "Funny, he never mentioned a classmate named Eric Stickler."

Mr. Stickler now looks angry.

Mr. Stickler: "No surprise. The only time Mr. Star Quarterback Chris Carbone acknowledged me was when he and his jock buddies were giving me wedgies and stuffing me in a locker. I ever tell you about the time your asshole brother shoved me naked into the girls shower?"

Jim: "You don't seem like the geeky type."

Now, Stickler looked proud.

Mr. Stickler: "Four years in the Marine Corp manned me up, you little weiner!"

Now, it's Jim who looks angry. He stands up.

Jim: "WEINER!"

Quinn immediately defuses her husband.

Quinn: "SIT DOWN, JIM!"

Jim calms down and does as his wife says. Mr. Stickler smirks.

Mr. Stickler: "And whipped by his woman to boot."

Quinn now looks ready to tear Stickler a new one, but immediately thinks better of it.

Quinn: "Let's stick to the subject at hand."

Dr. Melnik looks at his notes from the psych exam.

Dr. Melnik: "Based on my anaylisis I've come to the following conclusions. Tommy is a perfectly normal second grader. He occasionally grows disruptive out of boredom but is ultimately obedient. He makes friends very easily and has already managed to become very popular with his peers. I'm a little worried about Timmy's self esteem, though. He seems to crave attention and blindly follows Tommy's lead to that end."

Mr. Stickler interrupts.

Mr. Stickler: "So long as he continues to do that I see no problem."

Dr. Melnik continues.

Dr. Melnik: "Teddy, on the other hand, frightens me. He's highly intelligent, in fact he reads at a college level, but has no interest in socializing. This fits the profile of every mass shooter of the past three decades. I feel that unless steps are taken to rehabilitate him now that is exactly what he'll become."

Quinn rolls her eyes.

Quinn: (under her breath) "You're so full of shit."

Mr. Stickler: "I beg your pardon?"

Quinn smiles sweetly and speaks at her normal volume.

Quinn: "Nothing."

Mr. Stickler: "I'm inclined to agree with Dr. Melnik. A child like Teddy is a direct threat to my pow...I mean my ability to maintain an orderly school environment."

Jim: "Soooo?"

Dr. Melnik: "I recommed that Teddy be seperated from the general student population and placed in Special Education until the end of this school year. After that I'll reevaluate him to determine if he can be safely mainstreamed."

Mr. Stickler: "And then I can either mainstream him or keep him in special ed. The purpose of this meeting is to secure your permission to do that, Mr. and Mrs. Carbone."

Jim and Quinn now look worried.

Quinn: "If we say no?"

Mr. Stickler flashes a triumphant grin.

Mr. Stickler: "Then I expell him and he'll have to attend a special reformitory school for pre-teen delinquints."

Both Quinn and Jim narrow their eyes.

Jim: "You bastard!"

Quinn: "So, either I let you segregate my son or you'll throw him in kid jail!?"

Mr. Stickler nodded.

Mr. Stickler: "Exactly! Also, I recommend you do a better job of raising your children."

Quinn takes offense at that remark.

Quinn: "Excuse me!? Where the fuck do you get off, you prick!? I'm a good mother!"

Dr. Melnik: "Not according to my notes, and the tests don't lie. Teddy's clearly the product of lazy, uninvolved parenting."

Quinn looks like she could attack both the shrink and the principal at any moment. Now, it's Jim who has to calm her down.

Jim: "Quinn, don't do anything to convince them that they're right."

Quinn takes a deep breath to calm herself, but continues to silently seethe with rage.

Scene 2

Ext. Shot: Mystik Bar and Grille, Queens, evening

Int. Shot: the bar

Daria and Quinn are seated at the bar. While Daria drinks a rum and coke Quinn is having a cosmopolitan. They're talking about the developemnts with Teddy.

Quinn: "...so I had no choice but to approve them sticking Teddy in with the retards."

Daria: "You know, the preferred term is 'developmentally challenged' these days...I think."

Daria takes a sip of her drink.

Daria: "This reminds me of the time I was thrown in the self-esteem class. You even have a male Ms. Li running that gulag...I mean school."

Quinn was too upset to laugh at the joke.

Quinn: "It doesn't help that Mr. Stickler is a guy Chris bullied in high school and is basically taking it out on us."

Daria: "It's more proof of something Jane once said to me. Everything's been decided, they win, you lose and in the end what you do doesn't matter because the outcome's already fixed."

Quinn: "When did Jane say that?"

Daria: "When you were going through that guardian angel phase. She thought, correctly in hindsight, that my problem with you believeing in angels was because I was afraid it was true and it therefore meant that shallow airheads fit in so well because someone up there is looking out for them."

Quinn sighed.

Quinn: "Way to make me feel better, sis."

As Quinn took a sip of her cosmo a thought occurred to her.

Quinn: "How did you and Jane get out of that self-esteem class after only one week?"

Daria: "It was her sixth go around. She had all the answers to the pass test written down word for word. We just memorized them."

Quinn hung her head and sighed.

Quinn: "This course they're putting Teddy in doesn't have a pass test. He's stuck there until they evaluate him at the end of the school year. I wish there was something I could do. He's a bright kid. He doesn't deserve to go through this just because the school psychiatrist is an idiot and the principal has it in for my husband's side of the family."

Daria looks thoughtful.

Scene 3

Ext. Shot: Billy Joel Elementary School, day

Music: "Creep" by Radiohead

Int. Shot: One of the classrooms

The kids in the class are a collection of all ages and types. Some have genuine disabilities and special needs while others appear to have been placed there simply for not fitting Mr. Stickler's impossibly narrow definition of normal. The teacher is a cheery brunette in her thirties who would look like a supremodel if not for her modest and drab outfit. Her name was Miss Ellis.

Cut to Teddy as he sits in a corner reading "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest". Miss Ellis approaches him.

Miss Ellis: "Teddy, where did you get that book?"

Teddy is visibly annoyed at the interruption.

Teddy: "I brought it with me from home."

Miss Ellis snatched the book away.

Teddy: "HEY! That's mine!"

Miss Ellis spoke in a tone one would use to talk to a preschooler.

Miss Ellis: "That's a book for grownups."

Teddy: (deadpan) "Then it's too advanced for you."

Miss Ellis: "That's not polite, Teddy. Say something nice or don't say anything at all. Now, what do we say when we've done something mean?"

Teddy: (thought VO) You've gotta be shitting me. (out loud) "I'm sorry."

Miss Ellis reacts to this as if reacting to a toddler correctly reciting the alphabet for the first time.

Miss Ellis: "Very good, Teddy. You can have the book back after school."

She turns toward the bookshelf and sorts through them.

Miss Ellis: "Now, let's find something more appropriate."

Her face lights up as she finds something.

Miss Ellis: "Perfect!"

She takes out a copy of 'Everybody Poops' and gives it to Teddy.

Miss Ellis: "Here you go, Teddy."

She walked away as Teddy frowned.

Teddy: "A potty training manual for two-year olds. How intellectually stimulating."

At this point one of the other students taps Teddy on the shoulder. Pan out to show a girl his age. This girl is wearing a tie-dyed shirt and blue jeans. Her physical features indicate that she's biracial. She has the straight black hair and narrow eyes of an asian but the fair skin tone of a european.

Girl: "You get used to it after a while. Miss Ellis seems to think we're all emotionally stunted at pre school age."

Teddy: "Way to state the obvious."

Girl: "You were thrown in here for calling out Melnik, weren't you?"

Teddy nodded.

Girl: "Join the club. They stuck me in here just because I'm into art instead of dumb ass Barbie dolls. It's a real buzzkill. So, you were reading 'One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest'?"

Teddy: "A story about people being incarcerated just for being themselves feels appropriate given the circumstances."

The girl couldn't help giggling.

Girl: "What're you doing after school?"

Teddy: "Walking home to stare at the ceiling while my idiot brothers play video games."

Girl: "Me too, well, minus the part about immature brothers. I'm an only child. Wanna walk home with me? I wouldn't mind some company that I can have an intelligent conversation with."

Teddy: "Sure, why not?"

The girl extended her hand.

Girl: "My name's Rachel, by the way. Rachel Yagami."

Teddy shakes Rachel's hand.

Teddy: "Teddy Carbone."

The two exchange smirks, letting us know that Teddy's just met the Jane to his Daria.

Scene 4

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, evening

Int. Shot: The kitchen

Quinn, Jim and the boys are seated at the kitchen table having dinner and talking about their day.

Tommy: "...and they loved my yo-yo tricks on the playground."

Quinn: (faux interest) "That's nice, Tommy."

Jim turns his attention to Teddy.

Jim: "How's the special class, Teddy?"

Teddy: "The teacher seems to labor under the delusion that we're all mentally retarded."

Timmy: "I didn't know you were retarded, Teddy."

Tommy rolls his eyes.

Tommy: "Great. Now I have to say Timmy and I are twins. Word gets out that Teddy's a retard I can kiss my popularity goodbye."

Quinn scowls at both Tommy and Timmy.

Quinn: "BOYS! I've told you time and again not to use words like 'retard'!"

Jim: "Your mother's right. It's not nice to make fun of special needs kids."

Quinn: "And don't either of you DARE shun your brother for being different." (thought VO) Because it'll be a cold day in Hell before I let you repeat my mistakes.

Timmy: "Sorry, Mom."

While Timmy immediately gets it Tommy whines.

Tommy: "But Mom, everyone will hate me if they know Teddy's my brother."

Quinn: "No, they won't! I know it's hard to believe, but it's true. And even if the other kids do judge you for having a brother who's different so what? That just means they're jerks that you shouldn't be friends with anyway."

Teddy decides to insert himself back into the conversation.

Teddy: "I actually made a friend today. Her name's Rachel. She's a normal kid who got screwed over by the school too."

Jim: "That's great, Teddy."

Tommy decides to make fun of his brother.

Tommy: (mocking tone) "Teddy's got a girlfriend! Teddy's got a girlfriend!"

Teddy rolls his eyes at his brother's immaturity.

Teddy: "She's not my girlfriend. Yeah, she's a girl and a friend, but that's all. It's not like we're gonna start dating or anything."

Tommy isn't about to let up.

Tommy: "Teddy and Rachel, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then..."

Quinn: (stern tone) "Tommy!"

Tommy immediately shut up.

Teddy: "According to Rachel, Mr. Stickler throws any kid he deems 'unusual' in that class. And we just sit there while the teacher treats us like we can't even wipe ourselves."

Timmy: "You don't have to wipe yourself!?"

Jim, Tommy and Teddy frown at Timmy while Quinn looks thoughtful.

Scene 5

Ext. Shot: Daria's apartment building in Hells Kitchen, evening

Music: "Girl Talk" by The Donnas

Int. Shot: Daria's apartment

Daria is seated on her couch. While her cat, Godzilla, rests next to her she talks on the phone.

Daria: "So, we agree that something needs to be done?"

Split-screen to show Quinn on the other end of the line.

Quinn: "Yes. Apparently Teddy's not the only kid who's been thrown in that class because he doesn't fit into a disturbingly narrow definition of normal. It seems that the psych test is just a way to weed out anyone who dares to think for themselves."

Daria: "So, it's just like taking on Ms. Li back in the old days. Fortunately, I think there's a way to get not just Teddy but all the other kids out of that class and with the other children where they belong. I've been looking into family psychologists in the area. Once a shrink who's not beholden to the school evaluates them and finds nothing wrong we'll be halfway there. However, if this principal's anything like Ms. Li it'll take legal action, or the threat thereof, to get him to act on the new shrink's recommendations."

Quinn: "Leave that to me."

Daria: "Alright, Quinn, we know what to do."

Both women hang up but the split screen remains. Each one dials another number on her phone.

Daria: "Hello, Long Island Family Practice. I understand you like to do pro bono cases in the schools...Perfect, I have one such case."

Quinn: "Mom, I know this is sudden, but could you hop on a plane to New York? I need your help in a legal matter...A discrimination case. Daria and I have evidence that Teddy is one of many students being unlawfully persecuted by the school administration...Great, I'll pick you and the airport tomorrow...See you then."

Both Quinn and Daria smirk. Mr. Stickler must now fight a legit psychiatrist AND Helen Morgendorffer.

Act III

Scene 1

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, day

We see a cab pull up in front of the house. Helen Morgendorffer emerges from the passenger side with a suitcase and makes her way to the front door. She looks like she did in the future scene from "Write Where It Hurts" accept that her hair is not gray due to the fact that she dyes it.

Int. Shot: The kitchen table, a short time later

Helen and Quinn are now having tea and catching up.

Quinn: "How was your flight, Mom?"

Helen: "It was nice. Granted, due to the short notice I had to fly economy class but I can handle two hours from Ft. Lauderdale to LaGuardia."

Quinn frowned.

Quinn: "Sorry, Mom, but I really need a lawyer right now and you're still the best lawyer I know despite the fact that you've been retired for almost four years."

Helen smiles at the praise.

Helen: "Thank you, Quinn, but it's no trouble at all. I'm more than happy to come out of retirement when my children need me. You and Daria may be in your thirties now but motherhood knows no age."

Quinn: "I know. A lot of your mothering used to annoy me but now that I'm a mom myself I finally get it. In fact, I'm doing this for my kids."

They now get down to business.

Helen: "So, what's going on with Teddy?"

Quinn: "His snarky remarks during a psych evaluation resulted in the doctor labelling him a budding psychopath. The school called us in and the principal all but confirmed that this misdiagnosis was made by the psychiatrist under pressure from him in order to remove someone who was seen as a non-conformist from the general student population so Teddy was placed in special ed. Unfortunately, other students in special ed have confirmed that segregating kids whom the principal deems different is a common practice at that school. Many of the children in special ed aren't even developmentally disabled. They were just placed there for not fitting a very narrow definition of normal."

Helen's eyes narrowed as this reignited some long dormant passions within her.

Helen: "It's a very clear cut case of discrimination. Before we can take action, however, we need some evidence. Otherwise it's just our word against theirs."

Quinn: "Already covered. While I was getting in touch with you and making all the arrangements Daria's been securing a psychiatrist to independently evaluate the special ed children. His findings can be used as evidence."

Helen smiled proudly at the forethought and teamwork of both of her daughters, though her smile also has a quality to it that's bittersweet.

Helen: (thought VO) Where does the time go?

Scene 2

Ext. Shot: A small office building on Greenville's main street with a sign that reads "Dr. Eisenberg Family Psychiatry", day

Music: "Synchronicity II" by The Police

Int. Shot: Dr. Eisenberg's office

Dr. Eisenberg is a balding, bearded man in his fifties with thick glasses who speaks in a calm voice that has a stereotypically Jewish New York accent. He's currently evaluating Teddy.

Dr. Eisenberg: "So, Teddy, can you explain to me why you made snarky remarks during your evaluation with Dr. Melnik?"

Teddy: "Yes. He's a pseudo-shrink who's true purpose is to weed out anyone who's not conventional."

Dr. Eisenberg: "And how do you know this?"

Teddy: "I've read numerous articles on the subject in Psychology Now magazine."

Dr. Eisenberg: "Isn't that reading material rather advanced for a seven year old boy?"

Teddy: "Yes, but I find it interesting. I've always had advanced interests for my age."

Dr. Eisenberg is visibly impressed.

Dr. Eisenberg: (thought VO) This child has a remarkably advanced intellect. I can see why he'd be percieved as a problem by school officials who are ill prepared to nurture such a bright mind.

Cut to later and we see Dr. Eisenberg now evaluating Rachel.

Rachel: "I was placed in that class for wanting to spend recess drawing sketches instead of playing with the other girls."

Dr. Eisenberg writes in his notepad.

Dr. Eisenberg: (thought VO) This one is also advanced beyond her years. In fact, she displays artistic potential equal to the likes of many of the great masters.

Cut to later still and we see him evaluating another child.

Dr. Eisenberg: (thought VO) This one was placed in special ed for preferring to do his homework during recess.

Cut to another shot of him evaluating another girl.

Dr. Eisenberg: (thought VO) Placed in special ed for preferring athletics to dolls.

Cut to him evaluating a boy.

Dr. Eisenberg: (thought VO) Preferrs arts and crafts to sports.

Cut to him evaluating a girl.

Dr. Eisenberg: (thought VO) Prefers comic books to home ec.

Cut to him evaluating an Asian girl.

Dr. Eisenberg: (thought VO) Not a straight A student.

Cut to him evaluating a black boy.

Dr. Eisenberg: (thought VO) Prefers Rock music over Hip Hop.

Cut to him evaluating a Mexican child.

Dr. Eisenberg: (thought VO) US citizen who's parents came to this country legally.

You pretty much get the idea.

Scene 3

Ext. Shot: Billy Joel Elementary School, day

Int. Shot: Mr. Stickler's office

Quinn and Helen are seated in front of Mr. Stickler's desk while the principal listens to Dr. Eisenberg read his findings.

Dr. Eisenberg: "...Based on these findings it is both my personal and professional opinion that none of these children belong in special education. My expert recommendation is that they be returned to the mainstream student population immediately."

Mr. Stickler scowls.

Mr. Stickler: "Very interesting, Dr. Eisenberg, but I'll not alter policy based on your recommendations."

Helen immediately goes into lawyer mode.

Helen: "You will if you want to avoid a lawsuit."

Mr. Stickler: "On what grounds?"

Helen: "This is a clear cut case of unlawful discrimination. Children can not be placed in special education for merely conforming to stereotypes."

Mr. Stickler's demeanor grows more aggressive.

Mr. Stickler: "I happen to know that you are a resident of Florida who has been retired for nearly five years. Why should I take a threat from someone who's no longer licensed to practice law seriously?"

Helen refuses to be intimidated.

Helen: "I've maintained my credentials in retirement and if you look into them you'll find that I am not only still licensed to practice law in all fifty states AND know every trial judge in the tri-state area, most of whom would be happy to do favors if I so choose to call them in."

Quinn fires her own guns.

Quinn: "And I have friends in the news media who'd kill for a story like this. Are you sure you wanna deal with the bad publicity that could result from all of this?"

Mr. Stickler is totally taken aback.

Mr. Stickler: "THIS IS BLACKMAIL!"

Helen: "Not according to the Civil Rights Act, the Americans With Disabilities Act AND the First Amendment it isn't."

Desperate, Mr. Stickler plays his last card.

Mr. Stickler: "I'm a decorated veteran of the Iraq War. I'll not cave to your terrorist demands."

Helen and Quinn both stand up.

Helen: "In that case, I'll see you in court."

Quinn: "And I'll see you on the evening news."

They both turn to walk out when...

Mr. Stickler: "WAIT!"

Helen and Quinn turn back around.

Mr. Stickler: "Maybe I've been too hasty. As a professional educator it would be a disservice to the students not to act on Dr. Eisenberg's recommendations."

Helen, Quinn and Dr. Eisenberg all grin in triumph.

Scene 4

Ext. Shot: Billy Joel Elementary School, the next day

Int. Shot: One of the classrooms

The students in this classroom include Tommy and Timmy Carbone as well as Q Ruttheimer, Chuck and Stacy's daughter. Suddenly, they're joined by Teddy Carbone and Rachel Yagami. The new kids take their seats. Timmy is happy to see them while Tommy's clearly disappointed.

Timmy: "Welcome back, Teddy."

Tommy rolls his eyes.

Tommy: "Don't you dare do anything weird in front of my friends."

Rachel gives Teddy a questioning look.

Rachel: "What's your brother's problem, Teddy?"

Teddy: "Love-hate relationship. Tommy loves being popular and hates anyone who threatens that, including me."

Rachel: "Bummer. I'm sorry."

Teddy: "Don't be. The hate part's mutual due to my low tolerance for idiots."

Just then, a boy in class speaks to Tommy.

Boy: "Tommy, you know that brain!? And why does he look like you and your brother?"

Teddy rolls his eyes.

Teddy: "You claimed to have only one brother, didn't you?"

Tommy ignores him and continues talking to the other cool kids.

Tommy: "Don't mind my...distant cousin. He's weird. Our...um...mothers were twins. That's why we look alike."

Timmy: "But Tommy, we're tri..."

Tommy shoots Timmy a hostile look.

Timmy: "Um...Never mind. Yeah...Teddy's our distant cousin."

It's obvious that Timmy's only saying this under pressure from Tommy.

Cut to Teddy and Rachel.

Rachel: "Now I'm actually glad I'm an only child."

Teddy: "The worst part is that my torture's just beginning."

Scene 5

Ext. Shot: A Pizza Forest location in Glenville, evening...

Int. Shot: A table for six.

Quinn, Jim, the boys and Daria are seated around a table while the people in animal costumes sing. Tommy and Timmy are visibly having fun while Teddy and the adults look VERY uncomfortable.

Furries: "ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM! MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY LIFE IS BUT A DREAM..."

Cut to Teddy and Daria.

Daria: "Why'd you pick Pizza Forest to celebrate being mainstreamed?"

Teddy: "I didn't. Mom and Dad insisted we celebrate and when I tried to tell them what I wanted Tommy and Timmy shouted me down with cries of Pizza Forest. I gave up after twenty minutes of listening to them whine."

Daria: "Let me share a little survival tip with you, Teddy. See how your parents are squirming despite trying to look like they're having fun."

Teddy nodded.

Daria: "Take pleasure in their discomfort. That's how I got through situations like this as a kid."

Cut to the furries.

Head Furry: "Come on, your turn."

Tommy and Timmy: "ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT..."

Cut to Quinn and Jim looking like they wish they had a gun with which to end their suffering.

Cut to Teddy. He has a smirk on his face.

Teddy: "You're right, Aunt Daria. Thanks."

Daria has her trademark Mona Lisa grin.

End Credits.