Chapter 2

I was standing in the kitchen, putting the final touches on dinner when I heard the front door open and close. The nervousness and guilt immediately returned, and I took a deep breath before greeting my sister.

"Hey Joce," I called. "Just in time. Dinner's ready."

My sister appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, her face lacking emotion. She eyed the plates I was holding and an eyebrow popped up.

"Tacos? Man, you must really feel bad." Tacos were my sister's one weakness, and I was definitely using that to my advantage. I felt awful about that morning, and I wanted her to know.

I handed the plate to her as a peace offering. She took it without a word and left to go sit at the small table we had just outside the kitchen. I followed after her much like a scared puppy would follow its mother.

"I really am so sorry Jocelyn.. I shouldn't have said what I did. I was in a bad mood, but I had no right to take it out on you." I sat down across from her and tried to meet her gaze. It was hard to read her expression, which was weird because she was normally an open book when it came to her emotions.

She finally shrugged as she swallowed the bite of food in her mouth. Her eyes met mine. "You're young, Liv. You're going to do what you want, and think that what you're doing is the best thing for you. Unfortunately, you're going to have to learn the hard way that sometimes you're wrong."

I immediately felt defensive and my cheeks heated up in anger. I wanted to snap back at her, but she continued without giving me the chance.

"It's okay. I forgive you." Another bite, another swallow. "Trust me, what you said doesn't even scratch the surface of awful things I've said to mom and dad in the heat of the moment." She grinned. "You're going to have to try a lot harder than that to really piss me off."

I leaned back in my chair after a moment, letting my anger fade away. She had a point there. "Just.. just don't worry, okay? Most of the time I'm just being dramatic. He's a good guy." I said, giving her a pleading look. She pursed her lips together and narrowed her eyes.

"Not saying you aren't dramatic but.." she shook her head and sighed. "Whatever. Just know that I'm always here for you Liv. Asshole or no, you're my baby sister."

I smiled at her, and we ate the rest of our meal in a comfortable silence.

I was extremely restless that night as I laid in bed, constantly glancing over at my phone on the bedside table. Nick hadn't texted me at all today after he told me he was going to be drinking with his friends and while it wasn't completely unusual for him to go periods without texting me, it always made me nervous when I hadn't heard from him for a while.

I picked up the phone and flipped it open. Going to my messages, I typed in his name and started a text.

Hey.

I hit send and shut the phone. Two minutes passed. Nothing.

I opened the phone again.

Earth to Nick. You there?

Send.

Five minutes passed. Nothing.

I bit my lip, really starting to feel anxious now. Once again, I opened the phone.

Please. I know I'm stupid and that I upset you, but can you please just let me know you're okay?

Send.

When my phone vibrated loudly, I almost cried out in relief. It was Nick.

Yup. I'm fine. Still out with friends.

I sighed, letting out a breath I hadn't known I was holding. I felt much better knowing he was okay. My phone vibrated again.

I'm having a good night. Please don't ruin it now.

My heart dropped a bit as I read that text. Instantly, guilt started to creep its way up through my stomach. I had made a big deal out of nothing the night before, causing an argument between us. And when he had tried to reconcile this morning, I had completely blown him off.

I'm really sorry about last night. I shouldn't have tried to cause problems over nothing. I don't want you to be upset with me anymore. I love you, Nick.

I was hoping that would be enough, since Nick wasn't a huge fan of talking on the phone. His roommates tended to eavesdrop and Nick hated when people stuck their noses in his business. Plus, he was with his friends which meant he wouldn't answer a phone call anyways.

My phone vibrated.

K.

I bit my lip again as the letter "K" in front of me became blurry. I tried my best to hold back the tears, but I couldn't stop the overwhelming feeling of nausea and anxiety. I was always doing things that made Nick mad, and I hated myself for it. Why couldn't I just make him happy?

I wrestled with that question until I eventually fell into an awful, fitful sleep.

When I woke up the next morning, Jocelyn had luckily already left for work. I knew that if she saw me come out of my room in my current state, she wouldn't let me leave without trying to pry.

It was Sunday, which was a day I usually had off. Which meant that it was time for me to spend my entire day catching up on the homework I hadn't done during the week. Groaning both inwardly and outwardly, I dragged myself out of bed. I was so exhausted and sluggish, I had no idea how I was going to write an entire paper for my philosophy class today.

I got ready as quickly as I could manage, making sure to brew a cup of extra strong coffee to take with me to campus. As much as I wanted to stay in bed and do work, I knew I would last about five minutes before caving in to sleep. A day like today meant holing up in the library.

I checked the time before mentally cursing to myself. If I didn't hurry, I was definitely going to miss the bus and then I'd have to wait at least 20 minutes for the next one.

I picked up my pace a bit, grabbing everything I needed, then heading out the door. When my feet hit the pavement outside, I started powerwalking in the direction of the bus stop.

"Hey, Livy!" Someone called. My heart soared and my face lit up as I spun around to see Nick jogging towards me with a coffee in one hand and a small white bag in the other.

"Nick!" I beamed. My chest felt a thousand times lighter. He wasn't mad at me anymore!

"Hey Livy," he repeated as he stopped in front of me. "Why the rush? I was just on my way to surprise you with some treats." He held out the coffee and small white bag, which I assumed contained some type of pastry. I put my travel mug full of coffee into my bag, making sure it was completely sealed and wouldn't completely destroy all of my notebooks, and then gladly accepted his gifts.

"Thanks babe," I said, standing up on my toes to give him a kiss. He returned it, which caused another surge of relief throughout me. We'd be okay.

"So where were you off too?" He asked, slinging his arm around my shoulder as we started off in the direction of the bus stop.

"To campus. I have so much work to get done it's not even funny," I groaned. "I have an assignment for history, I have to read some more of that stupid book for my English class, and then I have a whole ass paper to-" I stopped walking suddenly, confused, when I realized that Nick wasn't next to me. I looked back, and he was standing a few feet behind. His smile was gone.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, I figured you'd want to spend some time with me today," he said flatly. "You know, to make up for yesterday and everything."

The anxiety and nausea started to creep back up. "Nick, there's nothing more that I want than to do that. But.. I really do have so much stuff, and it's all due tomorrow. I really can't." I gave him a sad smile and took a step closer to him. "Maybe you could come with me? We could have a study date!" I exclaimed, smiling again.

He rolled his eyes. "Sorry, I got all of my work done. I'm not going to just sit there bored all day while you do your work."

My shoulders slumped and the smile fell from my face. He had just forgiven me, and here I was, already messing everything up again. "I'm sorry Nick. I'll try really hard to get done early and then maybe-"

"Don't bother. We both know you aren't good at staying focused and getting your work done in a timely manner. If you were, we wouldn't be having this problem right now."

My heart beat sped up and I could feel my hands start to tingle like they normally did when I was on the verge of an anxiety attack.

Why was I so stupid? Nick was right of course. I struggled to stay focused and so oftentimes homework took me much longer than it should. He knew this, and I was once again letting him down.

"You really need to get your priorities straight Olivia. Figure out whether or not I'm a priority for you. Because I really don't feel like I am."

That was another punch to the gut, and I was starting to find it hard to breathe. I hated this. I hated letting Nick down. I hated being a failure. I hated when he was mad at me. He turned around and started to walk away.

"Whatever. I'll text you later I guess."

"Wait!" I called out, running over to him. "You know what, it's fine! I just realized that two of those assignments aren't actually due until Wednesday. So all I have is that paper for tomorrow, and that'll be totally easy. I can knock that out tonight before bed."

Nick looked down at me, cocking an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah! It's no problem!" I exclaimed. Lying, of course. The two assignments actually weren't due until Wednesday, but the paper would not at all be easy and I definitely would have to pull an all-nighter. But when Nick smiled at me, I immediately decided that whatever it cost to have him be happy with me was worth it. I'd deal with the rest later. I always did.

"Cool," he said, putting his arm back around my shoulder. "Let's go back to my place then."

I pushed all thoughts of homework and the long night I had ahead of me out of my mind as I walked with Nick, content that the anxiety and nausea were once again at bay.

"Um… hey Liv?" A voice called from somewhere far off in the distance. I scrunched my face up in annoyance, angry with whoever was trying to pull me from my dreams.

"Liv.." I felt a hand gently shake my shoulder. "I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news, but it's 9:40 in the morning.."

I swatted the hand away sleepily and huffed. "So what? Go away," I mumbled.

"It's Monday. And correct me if I'm wrong, but you have class at 10."

I shot up, feeling as though I had been electrocuted. 9:30?! I swear the last time I checked it was 4:30 in the morning, and I had just closed my eyes for a brief second.

"Shit! Shitshitshit," I rambled, jumping out of the chair. Thank God I had managed to finish the paper before passing out at the computer we had tucked away in the living room. I turned on the printer and while I waited for it to load up and print my paper, I ran around the apartment trying to gather everything I would need for class that day.

"Jocelyn please," I stopped running to put my hands on her shoulders. She looked startled and took a step back. "Puh-lease give me a ride to campus this morning."

I looked at the watch on her wrist and furrowed her brows. "Liv, you know that's out of my way. And if I take you then I could be late for work."

I pulled out the best puppy dog eyes I could manage, complete with a quivering lip and all. "Please, I'll buy you whatever you want for dinner tonight. Anything. My treat."

She looked at the watch again, then sighed. "Oh, alright. But you better hurry-"

I snatched the paper out of the printer the second it finished and shoved it into my bag. Before she could even finish her sentence I was halfway out the door. "C'mon!" I urged, running down the steps.

I heard her muttering angrily to herself as she closed and locked the door behind her.

It was about a ten minute drive to campus, and thankfully we didn't hit any red lights. That left me with less than ten minutes to sprint my way from where my sister dropped me off to the Philosophy building. By the time I reached the door of the classroom my class was in, I was 5 minutes late and completely out of breath. I tried to calm myself down as I opened the door slowly, hoping with everything in me that my professor was busy doing literally anything other than addressing the entire class.

But with my luck, that's exactly what she was doing.

"-sure that your papers are turned in up here. I will not be accepting any late work. Ah! Speaking of late." My professor's eyes landed on me trying to not-so-slyly sneak my way past her. My face immediately turned as red as a tomato due to every single student also addressing their attention to the very disheveled girl who interrupted class.

I stopped in my tracks, eyes wide. "I am so sorry. I-I got stuck in traffic and tried to get here as fast as I could," I explained nervously. It was so hard to speak from already being out of breath, and it absolutely did not help that everyone was listening and watching.

"Save it," my professor sighed, waving me off. "Don't let it happen again. Have a seat please."

I nodded quickly, then turned back to the class. I scanned the room, looking for the quickest seat I could make it without having to draw anymore attention to myself. Unfortunately, everyone who got here before me apparently also didn't like sitting in the front, because those were the only seats left. Except –

If I had had any breath left in me to lose, I would have lost it. My eyes met those strange, golden ones that I probably would never forget for as long as I lived. The boy from the bookshop – Jasper, was it? – was sitting in the middle row, close to the side where I was standing like a deer in headlights. And the seat next to him was open.

There was a cough. "If you'd like to stand for the class, that's fine but please do it somewhere less… front and center," my professor said, sounding a little amused. I probably could have dropped dead from embarrassment right then and there if I waited long enough, but the giggles and whispers I heard from my classmates were enough to get me moving. I decided to not sit next to the boy, and instead slid into the seat diagonally in front of him. I immediately sunk down as far as I could and tried my best to hide my face with my hand.

"Anyways, moving on. Today we're going to really start diving in to…"

I completely zoned out after that. My hands started to tingle and I found it hard to regain my composure. Even though everyone had, at least for the moment, returned their attention to the professor, I couldn't believe what had happened. I squeezed my hands into as tight of a fist as I could make and really tried to focus on getting my breathing under control. It was hard though, and I felt the tears start to well up inside of me.

Not now! I screamed to myself. Get yourself together!

Then suddenly, a feeling of calm started to spread throughout me. It started at my feet and worked its way through my body. I closed my eyes and tried counting.

One.

My legs slowly relaxed, and my toes uncurled themselves inside of my shoes.

Two.

My hands opened up, releasing the tight fists that I had made. My palms stung a bit from where my nails had dug into them.

Three.

My shoulders rolled back, releasing the tension that they had been holding. I let my arms rest on the desk.

Four.

I let out a deep breath, and realized that I could take another without feeling like I was suffocating. I breathed in and out deeply a few more times, making sure to remind myself that I was breathing. I was okay. I was going to be okay.

I wasn't exactly sure how it happened, but I felt a lot better, save for the extreme embarrassment I still felt. But I didn't think that was going away anytime soon. I sighed, then repositioned myself in my seat to be more comfortable. I finally took out a pen and notebook, and tried to focus on what the professor was saying. Everyone else was taking notes, so it had to have been important.

But there was something that was bugging me. Something didn't feel… right. It felt like someone was staring at me. Well, I'm sure a lot of people were staring at me because of the scene I caused this morning but.. I wasn't sure. It just didn't feel right.

After a few minutes of this, I tried looking around the room. To my relief nobody that I saw was paying me any mind. But the feeling was still there, and it was almost impossible to concentrate because of it.

I tried to casually look over my shoulder, just enough to see a few of the seats behind me. To my surprise, the blonde boy was staring right at me. Ah. Bingo.

I felt the blood rush back up to my cheeks, and I turned my head back to the front. I thought back to our first encounter that past weekend, and how.. grossed out he seemed with me. And how determined I had been to not get the same reaction from him the second time we met.

Well good job Olivia. You sure did a great job convincing him you're not a complete freak.

Anger washed over me. Not with anyone else but myself. How could I have been so stupid? Why did I let myself stay up so late that I missed my alarm this morning? Nick was right. I was so bad at staying focused, I could never get anything done in a timely manner. I always messed up. Always.

I was so angry with myself all of the sudden, that my hands clenched back up into fists. This time, I wanted my nails to dig into my palms. There was something comforting about the rush of pain it gave me. Not a lot, but enough.

I heard shuffling behind me, causing me to relax for a second and look over my shoulder again. And once again, my eyes met amber ones.

The blonde boy was staring again, just as intensely as he had been the first time I met him. Only this time, he didn't seem pained. No, he just seemed.. well, it was like he almost seemed concerned.

I scoffed mentally and turned back around. Yeah, he's probably concerned about your mental capabilities, Olivia.

I gave up on trying to focus on class. Between my anger at myself and the holes I could feel being burned into the back of my head by the blonde boy, there was no way I could keep my attention on anything my professor said. When she finally checked the clock on the wall one last time, announced that we did not have any homework for next class (thank GOD), and then dismissed us, I was so relieved that I immediately jumped to my feet and started packing my things. As I did, I tried my hardest to avoid the eyes of Blondie, who was not very good at being discreet about his staring.

I took out the paper that I never turned in and slung my backpack over my shoulder. I took a deep breath, fighting back the embarrassment, and walked up to my professor, who was erasing stuff off the board.

"Er.. Dr. King? Here's my paper. I hope it's not too late."

She slowly turned to me, looked down at my paper, then back up to me. My heart stopped, because I was sure she was going to decline it and tell me she wouldn't accept it.

However, she put down the eraser and took the paper, a gentle smile on her lips. "Thank you. I don't appreciate you being late today but.. I do understand that life happens sometimes. And the fact that you still came at all instead of skipping the whole thing tells me a bit about your character."

I let out a huge sigh of relief and gave her a big smile. "Thank you so much, professor. I really am so, so sorry. I normally am early to class, being late is absolutely NOT my thing I just was a complete mess this morning and then we ran into traffic and I couldn't get any closer to campus so I had to sprint from afar and –"

Dr. King held up a hand, stopping me mid-ramble. "Really, I understand. But please, do try to make sure it doesn't happen again."

"O-of course! Never again!" I squeaked out. She gave me one last smile before placing the paper on her desk and returning to the board. I turned around and took a minute to close my eyes and take a deep breath. Again, that strange sense of calmness began to wash over me. The anxiety and embarrassment that I felt simply melted away. It was weird, but it was much more preferable to the other options.

When I opened my eyes, I saw a flash of blonde hair streak through the door. I blinked, and he was gone.

Weird. Well, I probably burned that bridge as far a friendship is concerned, I thought to myself as I adjusted my backpack and made my way out of class. I checked the time on my phone and groaned. It was only 11:40, and I was so ready for this day to be over.

Working from home due to this virus has found me with a lot more time and boredom on my hands. So behold, writing. Please enjoy, and please review!