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"I want to be able to keep going with my life, but dwelling on the past won't help me move forward." Amanda insisted that she was fine and apologized for the way she interrupted her session with Dr Hanover but Olivia still insisted on coming after work for a cup of tea, which both women knew meant a glass of wine.
"That's your choice to make Amanda."
"I wanna hear what you think, though."
"What I believe does not matter, honey."
"I still want to hear it!" Amanda persisted.
At first glance, Amanda's insistence might feel out of character. But maybe, she didn't want to be the one admitting therapy would actually be beneficial to her, therefore Olivia was careful with her choice of words.
"I don't believe you're scared to acknowledge trauma. You've seen enough for a lifetime! But you can't bear the idea that deep inside you, there's a girl who's not fine with the way you've dealt with her. The pain she's carrying, she deserves someone to care about it."
"It's in the past Liv.. I'm not there anymore!" The way she protectively brought her knees close to her chest and let her stare wandering into space indicated Liv got to her.
"Maybe it was for the best back then, I don't know! But look at you now though, look how far you've come! You're in a place where you have the resources to take care of your past."
"Why would I do that?"
"So that your past doesn't become your future?!" Olivia both asked and affirmed at the same time. "How did you feel when your father came to town?"
"I knew he wasn't good news.. but Kim looked me with her sad eyes."
"And once again, you did what you thought was best for them honey. Once again, you totally ignored what felt right for yourself. You'd have taken responsibility for Kim's kid, and I get that. I've thought a lot about Simon lately and.."
That's not without a certain animosity that Amanda interrupted, but her voice softened as she spoke. "With all due respect Liv, Kim and I, that's not the same! We grew up together. Since the day I was born, I was the one responsible for her. The other day, she said one thing to me.. in order to start healing, you gotta love something about where you come from." She marked a pause, obviously feeling vulnerable. "I do.. I love her.. that's the thing… doesn't matter what she does… I'll still love her!"
"You loved her so much that you forgot to love yourself. Maybe, you can now open your heart to an equally sweet little girl. Whatever you've been through makes you who you are!"
"I'm more scared that once I open that door, that girl I've left behind might turn out a little needy."
"Well, nothing you and I can't handle, I suppose!" Olivia chuckled.
"Ok Liv, I'll try again."
Dr Hanover and Amanda shortly debriefed about the first session of hypnosis, Amanda explained how overwhelmed she suddenly felt and that she didn't know what to do with the wave of emotion that got to her, and that was why she had run. Dr Hanover suggested that next time it happened, she could use a word to indicate her angst, but that it would be beneficial to allow any kind of feeling she may have and just let herself be guided by the doctor. The word Amanda chose to express she felt anxious was yellow: her favorite color. When they were ready to start the process once again, Olivia entered the room. Dr Hanover thought that at some point, Amanda would prefer some privacy during her session but that for the time being, Olivia might actually provide a sense of security.
Like the first time, Amanda was induced into hypnosis. She initially thought that her mind wouldn't allow her to reach this peculiar state, but it actually happened quickly than she anticipated. It felt like falling asleep, when one is still aware of the noises in the surrounding, and yet unwilling to move.
"Ok, Amanda, can you tell me a little bit about what you're feeling in your body right now?"
"All my body wants is to fall asleep." It seemed that Amanda's mind had not been interested about her childhood this time. Insomnia initially started like an occasional thing, but it quickly escalated into a serious issue.
"You must be really tired." Dr Hanover acknowledged. "What prevents you to sleep?"
"This hmm" Her voice got stuck in her throat… "this… yellow." The turmoil was written all over her face.
"You're feeling anxious?"
"Hmm hmm"
"Can you describe it to us?"
Amanda shook her head in disagreement. "Me and yellow.. we can't cohabit. If it's here, it means I have to go."
"Why's that?"
"My head needs to be ready in case there's an emergency."
"You mean, you can't feel anxious, because if something happens, you need to be able to react?"
"Yes."
"I understand that, but right now, you're safe Amanda, no imminent danger. It's perfectly acceptable for you to experiment angst, even though it's not a pleasant sensation." Dr Hanover explained.
Amanda, on the other hand, very unfamiliar with the sensation, was breathing faster and faster, obviously struggling to get enough air.
"Take a few deep breaths." Dr Hanover encouraged, not showing sing of worry.
"Let's imagine that anxiety is a big cloud. Right now, you're right under it, and you can't see the sky… but I'm a few steps away and I'd love to guide you where you can have some clarity. It does mean you have to take a few steps under the cloud to meet me. Do you think you can do that?" Dr Hanover explained with a reassuring voice, hoping to somehow ensure Amanda that she was safe from harm.
The detective seemed to have registered the words that were spoken to her but they were to no use, since she was still struggling to reach a calmer state.
"Amanda, inhale by the nose and exhale with your mouth." For a second, Dr Hanover doubted herself, thinking about telling Amanda to slowly come back in the present time but Olivia jumped it.
"Would it be ok if I held her hand?"
When Dr Hanover nodded, the brunette asked the same question, this time to Amanda, as she came closer to the distressed woman, who gratefully accepted the support. There was no seat close to the sofa, but Olivia was quick to kneel down right next to Amanda, more concerned about her friend than her comfort.
"Can you tell us anything about it feels in your body?" Dr Hanover asked.
"Hmm, my throat feels narrow."
"Are you feeling sad?"
Amanda nodded.
"You can cry Amanda, nobody is gonna judge you."
"I don't want to."
"How come?"
"Once I start, I don't know if I'll be able to stop."
"It's just a cloud Amanda, you will stop crying eventually."
"That I know. But there's a part of me that doesn't. Sadness seems eternal to her"
"Show her! Show her that the person you've become today can handle your feelings."
Without noticing, Amanda did allow her tears to run down her cheeks.
"I'm gonna help you move past the cloud, I believe that you're ready. Just listen to my voice Amanda, that's all you have to do. " Dr Hanover explained.
"Ok." Amanda nodded.
"You are under a storm. Your body knows the sensation of feeling threatened, your throat feels narrow, you're out of breath, and you just know something inside doesn't feel right. It might physically hurt or maybe just feel heavy. But for the first time, you stay right where it hurts. You don't need to cope, you just let yourself feel the pain even if you don't see the end of it." Dr Hanover didn't rush, letting Amanda absorbing all the words and let her body react the way it had to.
The upset woman started sobbing and grabbing Olivia's hand with more force. A reflection of Amanda's sufferance was probably seen through Olivia's eyes, filled with immense compassion.
"At first, it feels like there's no issue, but the more you quiet your mind, the most you notice that little part of you. She's shy, at first, but she's definitely there. She looks light a tiny light. Can you see her, Amanda?
"No." The woman was categoric.
"Well, if you can't see her, maybe you can feel its warmth. The tiny light may be faint, but it brings you comfort from the inside. And if you're very meticulous, you notice one thing about her."
"What?" Amanda asked, curious. Without noticing, Amanda was slowly moving past the cloud. Her eyes still closed, she let her muscles relax again, except for her hand grabbing Olivia's. She'd still squeeze it from time to time, just to make sure she was still there.
"The tiny light isn't scared. It isn't joyful either. It's perfectly indifferent, and yet, it is here, welcoming whatever you might feel."
"I can see that!" Amanda exclaimed.
"You're still under the storm, but it doesn't matter to you, because you're entirely focused on the tiny light. It will always remind you, that wherever you are, whatever you feel, there's a space inside you that has the ability to welcome it. You have now moved past the cloud without trying to run away from the storm."
Amanda's face seemed peaceful and the doctor let her be for a minute.
"When you are ready, you can open your eyes and come back to us." The doctor whispered, not wanting to trouble Amanda's pleasant inner experience.
That night, Amanda finally got some sleep.