Alex let out a deep sigh as she sank down onto the chair that was still pulled out from the kitchen table. She hadn't bothered to push it back in before she had left for the funeral home that afternoon, and she was grateful for the fact that she hadn't had to expend more energy than necessary in that moment. Moments later, she heard the door open and close, a sad smile slipping across her features as she realized that her friends had arrived. While she hadn't been expecting to see anyone from the BAU to show up, since that had only been a short time in her life, their presence had made this horrible day that much more bearable. Especially Penelope. Though she was usually so loud and boisterous, today, she had been subdued and gentle and everything that Alex had needed but hadn't thought to ask for.
"We got here as soon as we could, honey," the woman in question said, and she looked up at Penelope to give her a tremulous smile. She didn't want to start crying again, not after she had sobbed on her shoulder earlier, but she was so close to falling apart, now that she was back in her father's home. And she knew that she only had them for a short time, since they had to return to their hotel, so she didn't want to waste any of their time. "Now, how about we go into the living room while the boys put a meal together for us?"
"Okay," she said lowly, allowing Penelope to pull her to her feet, guiding her through the house. Alex tried not to blush as Dave kissed Penelope softly before they left the kitchen, and she let out a little sigh when they finally reached the living room and Penelope was pulling her down onto the sofa. "Would you mind terribly if I rested my head on your shoulder once more? I just feel so exhausted, but I know that I need to eat before I go to sleep. I have to be at the church so early, and I'll need a shower beforehand, and everything just seems to be too much."
She didn't quite know why she was telling Penelope so much, she wasn't one to just blab out her feelings, as Scott had once so eloquently put it. There was just something so comforting about the way that Penelope was sitting next to her, not interrupting her or expecting anything from her, that allowed her to be open and honest in that moment. The quiet that stretched out between them was gentler than she had been expecting, and she leaned towards the woman. It didn't surprise Alex when Penelope reached up and pulled her head down onto her shoulder before she spoke. "I won't lie to you, because you would know, and that would fracture our friendship irrevocably. So the honest truth is that tomorrow will be one of the worst days of your life. I know that you left home when your mother died, I did something similar. But now you have to face the loss of the rest of your family. Everyone that you loved is now gone, and for you it will be a little more difficult to come to grips with."
"Why do you say that?" she asked, trying not to flinch as Penelope began to run her fingers through her hair.
"Because you don't have a faith that can offer you the comfort of an afterlife. Sudden death, like what happened to your father and brother, always leaves lingering doubt in your mind, wishes that you could believe that they were waiting for you somewhere. I felt the same way when I lost my mother and stepfather. While I was an only child, I had four stepbrothers, and they disowned me before the funeral because I was the cause of the accident, in their minds. For a long time, I believed them as well, since I had stayed out past curfew, and they had gone out looking for me." She took a deep breath as she twirled a piece of Alex's hair around her fingers. "I wanted to believe then that they were in a happier afterlife, but I knew that that was an impossibility."
"Yes, precisely. I mean, since Erin's passing, I have found myself walking towards faith, but this accident seems to have pushed me away from it once more. It would be a comfort to believe that, especially at this time of year."
"It would. But we have to be honest and true to ourselves and sometimes that will hurt our hearts more than we care to admit. Now, when you wake up tomorrow, I want you to text me as soon as you get to your phone, and then I'll call and talk to you for while you make yourself breakfast. And if you want, I'll make certain that we're at the church when you arrive, so that you don't have to go through this alone. Though I'll have to stow my bag in your trunk, since I'll be staying and helping you here."
Alex could hear the cheerfulness in Penelope's voice, though it was tinged with sadness, and gave her a small nod. "I think that I would like that, Penelope. But how…?"
"It's what I wish someone would have done with me, when I lost my parents. Everyone thought I was okay, that I was holding it together, but I was dying inside and just wished that one person had reached out to me and held me close. Let me know if it's too much for you, because I can tend to smother, but I just want to take care of you as best I can."
"Thank you," she murmured in reply, letting her right hand slip off her lap and onto Penelope's leg, closing around her knee as she let out a deep sigh. "I need to be quiet until we eat. All right?"
"All right." Penelope began to hum under her breath, a familiar, comforting, tune, and Alex felt her eyes closing heavily at the combined sound and feeling of Penelope's fingers running through her hair. She fell into a light sleep as they waited, and came to with a quick start when Penelope shook her shoulder softly. "All right, Alex, the food is ready."
She nodded as she sat up, stretching to try and clear her mind of the cobwebs that were starting to gather. As she stood, she was swept with a sudden wave of sorrow, and a choked sob caught in her throat, and she would have fallen had Penelope not gotten to her feet so quickly and wrapped her arm around her waist in order to steady her. "Thank you, Penelope," she managed to say before the tears were coming fast and thick. Without thinking, she turned her face into Penelope's collarbone and allowed herself to cry for a few moments, needing the emotional release before she stood up straight and shook out her hair.
"Feel better now?"
Alex nodded, giving Penelope a tiny, fleeting, smile as she swept a knuckle beneath her eyes to clear away the tears. "Yes. I have the feeling that I am going to be doing a lot of this random crying jag bullshit in the next few weeks."
"Darling, it's not bullshit, it's emotional catharsis, and it is perfectly all right." Penelope tweaked her nose tenderly, actually pulling a giggle out of her lips, and Alex sagged against her. "That's right, lean on me as we head back into the kitchen. I have you."
"I'm so glad that you do." There were more words that she wanted to say, but they wouldn't come out of her mouth, so she instead fumbled around for Penelope's hand and clasped it tightly as they took the short walk from the living room to the kitchen. The table was already set, and there were full wine glasses in front of each place. Alex wasn't too surprised that Hotch had taken the seat at the head of the table, leadership had always come naturally to him. What did surprise her was seeing Rossi and Reid sitting next to each other, when she had expected him to sit next to Penelope. Grateful for the thought and care in that gesture, Alex gave the man a short smile as she took a seat across from Reid, picking up her glass and taking a small sip before setting the glass down and rubbing her thumb along the rim as she watched the food start to be passed around.
"Is there anything here that looks appetizing to you?" Penelope whispered as she passed her the first dish.
"Yeah." Alex took the dish from her hand and spooned out a small serving before handing it across to Reid. As the other dishes came her way, she placed small spoonfulls of each on her plate, knowing that she could always get more if she was still hungry. "So, how's JJ?" she asked, wanting to make conversation with them all.
"She's doing well. Will was scheduled to work over the holiday, since we had leave this year, and so she wasn't able to get away. Though she does send her condolences." Reid gave her an almost nervous smile, and she wondered what he was holding back from her. Knowing that Penelope was staying with her for the next few weeks allowed her to let the expression pass by unchallenged, and she gave him a small smile as she picked up her fork and started to eat. "I did take time to read your latest paper, and I must admit that I find it fascinating. It will be interesting to apply the technique that you outlined into our work in the field."
"That was the thought I had in my mind when I started working on the research for it. And Penelope's comments on how modern usages of words morph and shift so rapidly now, thanks to the internet. It flowed really well from there, and suddenly I had a thirty page paper that will most likely lead to more in the future."
It was easy to talk about work, about things of no real consequence, and the others joined in when they had comments that related to the topic at hand. As she looked down at her plate, she noticed that she had managed to eat everything that she had put there, and was still a little hungry, so she picked up the dish for the one thing she had liked the most and spooned out another serving, digging in as she continued to listen to the conversation going on around her. Penelope took notice of the fact that she had fallen quiet, as she glanced over at her before sliding her hand off the table to rest familiarly on her knee. The warmth that bled into her system through her clothes was lovely, and she flashed a quick smile at the woman before finishing up her food and then picking up her wine glass as she reclined back in the chair, watching the others.
"Davie? I need to talk to you a moment," Penelope said as she picked up her plate and brought it to the sink. The man followed after her, and their heads bent together for a moment before he nodded, though they were speaking too lowly to be heard, which bothered her a little, since she felt like she was being deliberately excluded. A part of her recognized that that was most likely a reaction based off how emotionally off-kilter she currently was, so she tried to take a few deep breaths and not react out of her hurt state. "All right, boys, I'll leave you to do the cleanup work, Alex and I are going to head to her room."
That was news to her, and she frowned a little as Penelope came back over to her side and tugged on her arm. Slowly, she rose to her feet and followed after the woman, going back to the one space that Penelope knew. "What's going on?" she asked hotly, feeling her grip on her frayed emotions start to slip.
"They're going to head back to the hotel, and I'm going to get you settled in for the evening before Dave comes back and picks me up at eleven. It's more important to me that you be cared for tonight than in my getting really good sleep. And before you say it, I know that I'm being demanding, that I've invited myself into your grieving, but I couldn't help so many of the team when they needed it most, that I know I might be overcompensating a little with you. Please, may I do this for you?"
Alex blinked back fresh tears as she nodded, taking hold of Penelope's hand and leading her over to the staircase. As they climbed, Alex tried to think about the day ahead of her tomorrow. She couldn't clearly remember her mother's funeral, it was a yawning abyss in her memory, but somehow she felt like this would be worse. All her ties to her immediate family would be gone once they lowered into the cold ground. That thought caused her to wobble on her feet a little, and she was once more grateful that Penelope was following her so closely, as she was able to steady her before they fell backwards. "I'm sorry," she whispered once they had turned away from the staircase, and she wasn't surprised when the younger woman wrapped her up in a warm embrace.
"You're exhausted, Alex. That's nothing to be sorry for," Penelope said as she rubbed her back gently. "Now, let me guess, you're staying in your old room?"
"Yeah. I had to go into their rooms to get them something to wear, and it felt so wrong to invade their space like that? I knew that I couldn't sleep on either of their beds, it would be too much. Luckily, Dad kept my room up?"
"I completely understand. Now, where is your bedroom?"
Alex let out a deep breath as she took hold of Penelope's hand once more, leading her down the short hall until they were at the room at the end. "Since I was the only girl, I got the smallest room, but it was all my own. Mom made certain that I had something nice." Her words caught in her throat as she opened the door, listening to Penelope chuckle a little at her deliberate usage of nice. "You're the only person who's seen this room. Not even James has been in here."
"Then I am lucky, aren't I?"
There was something odd about her usage of the word lucky, and Alex frowned a little as she stumbled over to her bed and collapsed upon it. Penelope was a little more gentle in how she took a seat, but Alex let out a tiny chuckle as the woman pulled them back onto the mattress so that they could stare up at the ceiling. "All right, I have two questions for you. Which would you like first?"
"The hardest one."
"Why were you so disdainful when you said the word lucky? I know that you're happy to be here, but there was something about that word, or rather how you said it, that seems to have baggage for you."
"It does. How much do you know about me?"
"Less than I would like to admit, honestly. I know that you're a sweet, caring, woman. That you love Dave with every fibre of your being. I know that you are much smarter than I could ever pretend to be, and before you protest, look at the things you know how to do. I could never begin to understand all the technical computer things that you innately understand."
"Well, you understand the construction of language in ways that I could never begin to understand. So I think that we're even in that regard. Did you know that I was shot?"
Alex turned her head so that she was looking at Penelope, noticing that she was staring up at the ceiling, her attention focused on some spot there. "I did not know that. What happened?"
"Honestly? I was stupid. I began to collate data on unsolved crimes, and a corrupt cop took notice of my unintentional noticing of him. Somehow, he managed to figure out who I was, what my habits and patterns were, flattered me to the point where I would have done just about anything for his attention, and then on our first date, when I thought he was going to kiss me, he shot me instead. I nearly died, but Jayje got to be a total badass when she shot him directly in the middle of his head through the glass wall of the bullpen. Seriously, it was so fucking amazing, and I think the only person who was a better shot than her was Erin."
"Penelope…"
"I know, I can be self-deprecating now, but black humor was the only way I could deal with it when it happened. I should have been smarter, but I wasn't. So you see, I'm not smarter than you, and I'll never be." Alex turned onto her side and reached over to clasp Penelope's hand lightly, seeing that now she was crying. "But you said that you have another question? At least it will be easier than this one."
"Yes, it's about JJ. Reid acted rather odd I brought her up earlier."
"There was a case some time back, where he and Jayje were kidnapped, and she revealed that she loved him. But then she wouldn't leave Will, because the kids mean more to her than love. Which I completely understand, and that's how it should be, but I think that he was assuming that she would just drop everything and run away to be with him."
"Ah, that explains so much about the emails we've been exchanging for the last year or so. I wish that I could have been able to help him out a little more, but it seems like the only thing I was good for was to be his sounding board. I'm glad that he's here now, though, when I truly need him, and you." Alex let out a long breath when Penelope decided to turn onto her side as well, gazing into her eyes as she nodded. "James and I stayed together for Ethan's sake, and then, after he passed, James decided that it would be best if he followed his passion and worked for Doctors Without Borders. We were comfortable with staying together when we were separated by the miles. It was only when he came home that the cracks in the foundation of our marriage began to show. JJ might come around, she might realize quicker than I did that staying together out of obligation isn't a tenable marriage. Though you might want to put that particular bug in his ear, as I don't know if he'll listen to my advice."
"I would listen to anything that you had to tell me, Alex." Penelope reached out to touch Alex's face, a sad smile crossing her lips before she let out a small yawn. "I'm sorry, you're the one who should be tired."
"And I am, but you also have the right to be exhausted as well, seeing as how you had to travel today." Absently, Penelope's thumb began to rub along her cheekbone, and Alex found herself relishing those sweet touches, as they grounded her to the current moment. "I suppose that I should change into pyjamas, just in case I fall asleep on you before you leave."
"All right," Penelope replied as they both sat up. Alex found that she missed the woman's hand on her face as she stood up and trudged over to her dresser, opening the top drawer to pull out a pair of flannel pants and an old t-shirt. "Do you want me to leave?"
"No, I have to take off my makeup anyway. I'll be back in five minutes?"
Penelope nodded before sitting back down on the mattress and scooting back so that she was resting against the headboard. Alex gave her a small nod in return before leaving the room and heading down the hall to the bathroom. It was just as difficult to be in there as it was their bedrooms, since the scent was so strongly masculine, their grooming products were still laid out as if they would use them again, and it still unnerved her to be so close to them. Shaking her head a little, Alex let her pyjamas drop onto the counter as she reached out for a hair tie, hurriedly tugging her locks into a ponytail before grabbing a washcloth and wetting it thoroughly. It didn't take long to wash all the makeup off her face, and then she quickly stripped before slipping into the pyjamas.
Once she was dressed for bed, Alex took a long look at herself in the mirror. She looked years older, and her eyes were impossibly sad. Shaking her head a little, she picked up her worn clothes and brought it back to the bedroom. Penelope was flipping through the book she had left on her nightstand. "I've already ordered this for home," she said as she set the book aside and patted the mattress. Alex felt the first true smile she'd had in days spread across her face as she came over to the bed and took a seat, copying Penelope and reclining against the headboard. "I thought that if we were going to keep in contact, which I very much want, I should get to know your passions a bit more. And this book seems really accessible to me."
"If you like it, let me know, and I'll send you a list of books that I think will help you learn more about linguistics." Penelope nodded and set the book aside before shifting closer to Alex, reaching her hand up to pull her head down on her shoulder. "Penelope?"
"You need to rest on me until I go. Because sometimes your heart heals a little bit easier when you have a soft space to land." She gave her friend a small nod. "Now, I want to hear a happy story about your time in the Academy. That should be a relatively safe topic, yes?"
"Yes." She took a deep breath as she tried to think of the best story to tell Penelope. "So, Erin and I weren't always at odds. She used to be my best friend, and that was only because we happened to be assigned as roommates when we entered the Academy at the same time."
"Was she always so uptight?" Penelope interrupted, and Alex laughed a little as she shook her head.
"No, that only came about as a result of her need to be taken seriously by Jason Gideon. I didn't really care what he thought about me, but Erin always seemed determined to rise through the ranks of the BSU. She wanted to be the first female Section Chief there, and she was, though she told me that she bitterly regretted how that eventually came to be." She let out a short breath as she tried to shoo away the sad thoughts that were starting to creep into her mind at the mention of Erin. "We had a really good discussion that last night when I took her back to the hotel, and it was so nice to finally bury that hatchet between us. I just wish that that hadn't been the last time we got to speak. I could really have used my best friend right now."
"I'm certain that she would have dropped everything to be at your side."
Alex pressed her lips together as she nodded a little, turning towards Penelope and slinging her arm around her waist as she struggled to not cry again. "Anyway, back to the original story I was going to tell. When I walked into the dorms with my two bags, I was greeted with a room that was so thoroughly feminine that I thought I was going to have to request a new roommate. It wasn't until Erin popped her head out of the bathroom door that I knew I could never do that. There was just something so breathtaking about her. And then she smiled at me before bustling over to my side and introducing herself."
"You fell in love with her."
It wasn't a question, and Alex wondered what had given herself away. "It was the easiest thing in the world to do, honestly. We kissed, a lot, that first year together, but we never really got around to anything more when she met Alan. And then I met James, and suddenly we were talking about them all the time. I think that we were both a little afraid of what our families would think, since we came from rather conservative stock. We remained thick as thieves, though, through my pregnancy and what came afterwards. She was the best friend I could have ever asked for, and I miss her dearly. I wish that she was here with us, because I know that the two of you would take such good care of me. Though I am so glad to have you."
Those were the most words she had said in ages, outside of her classroom, and it felt good to get some of that burden off her heart. Penelope seemed to recognize this fact, as she snaked a hand upwards to tug on her ponytail before massaging her scalp absently with her fingers. "And I am so glad that I came. I didn't know if you'd want us here, since I didn't call ahead to let you know. Dave said that surprises at a time like this aren't the best, but I had this feeling that if we did let you know, you'd rebuff us, since you are so private. I never thought that you'd tell me about your relationship with Erin, but it makes me like you all the more for the truth that you lived, even if only for a short time."
Alex nodded a little. "I know that I can trust you, Penelope. Even though we did get off to a rather rocky start, there was just something about your personality that set my heart at ease." Another yawn split her lips, and she nuzzled her cheek against Penelope's shoulder before contorting her body so that she could get beneath the covers and then she was stretching out on the mattress, letting her head come to rest on her pillow as she looked up at Penelope. "Will you stay until I fall asleep? This is the first night here that I've felt tired, and I know that I need the sleep."
"Sugar, I would move mountains for you, if I could. Close your eyes, I'll sing you to sleep with the lullaby I remember my mother singing to me." Alex nodded as she curled her knees up into her stomach, closing her eyes as she listened to Penelope start to sing a familiar tune. And though she tried to hold on to the melody, to listen to her friend sing for her, all too soon, she was falling asleep, losing her connection to the woman.
When she woke up the next morning to the sound of her alarm, she sat up with a stretch and looked around the room, taking a few seconds to remember where she was and why she was there. Alex let out a shaky breath as she slipped out of the bed. As she stumbled over to the closet, Alex tried to rub her eyes free of the lingering tendrils of sleep, and then trying not to cry when she saw that Penelope had hung up her clothes from the previous evening.
Alex went through her morning routine on autopilot, and then she was heading out to her rented car and sitting behind the wheel, staring ahead at nothing. Her phone ringing in her purse caught her attention, and she rummaged through it to pick up the device and answer. "Hello?"
"Good morning, Lex! I'm sorry this call is so late, since I wanted to call earlier to make certain that you were awake. We're planning to be at the church in fifteen minutes." Alex glanced at her watch and felt her eyes widen to see how late it had gotten. "Do you need us to bring anything?"
"No, I'm fine, I've already eaten breakfast. I might be a little late, I didn't realise how late it had gotten. Will you tell them that I am on my way if you get there before I do?"
"Of course, sugar! Don't worry about a thing, you'll be fine, I promise. And because I know that I needed to hear these words on the day of my parents funeral, I'm going to tell you them, and mean them to the bottom of my heart. I love you, Alex Blake, and I will be here for whatever you need going forward. We will see you soon."
"Okay," she replied in a little voice. "I, I love you, too." Her words were hurried, but she knew that Penelope would understand as she ended the call and shoved the phone back into her purse before starting the car and backing out of the driveway. Alex made certain to keep all her attention on the road, though she did recite the lyrics that always helped to calm her mind as she drove to the church. She wasn't surprised to see that there were already a number of cars in the parking lot, and she drew in a sharp breath as the reality of the situation came flooding over her system.
One of the workers came up to her car, knocking on the window, and she rolled it down to look into his face. "Doctor Blake, would you like me to park your car for you? I know that Brandon was looking for you, even though your friends told him that you were running a little behind this morning." He smiled at her, and Alex nodded as she put the car in park and grabbed her purse. "I'll give the keys to Brandon. Head right in, Doctor Blake, we're here to take care of you today."
"Thank you," she replied as she climbed out of the vehicle and make her way up the short walk before entering the building. Though it had been such a major part of her childhood, there was still a lingering sense of not belonging in her heart. She was about to turn on her heel and leave, certain she couldn't deal with everything this day would bring, when Penelope appeared at her side, wearing a somber black dress. It was so similar to what she had worn to Erin's funeral that Alex couldn't stop the flow of her tears as the woman bundled her up into a tight hug.
"I knew that you would get here at the perfect time. The pastor just arrived, and we're meeting in the prayer room. May I take your hand?"
Alex nodded as she slipped her hand trustingly into Penelope's and let her guide her to the room she had mentioned, even though she knew the way quite well. Still, it was nice to just let go and have someone else control her direction in that moment, as it allowed her to gather control of her emotions as best she could. Alex instinctively knew that she would start crying at some point of the service, but she wanted to leave that for the homily that she knew would be said. "I just can't seem to get out of neutral today," she whispered as they turned into the prayer room.
"That's why we're here," Penelope whispered in her ear as she brough her over to one of the sofas, pulling her down onto it so that she was ensconced between Dave and Penelope. The warmth that radiated off their bodies started to seep into the freezer of her heart, and she took a few deep breaths as she clasped both their hands and turned her attention to the pastor. He was new, but she assumed that was to be expected, since she hadn't stepped foot inside the church in more than twenty years, but there was an aura of peace that surrounded him, and that seemed to settle her a little as she let her head come to rest on Penelope's shoulder.
"Alex, you look so much like your mother. It is a pleasure to finally put a face with the name of the daughter that Damon loved so well, I just wish that it were under better circumstances. I know that we spoke on the phone the other day, and I think that I have a good idea of what I'm going to say, but did you think of anything else that you specifically wanted me to mention?"
She shook her head slowly, her mind drawing a blank. "I don't mean to interject myself into this, but will you be speaking about how hospitable Mister Miller was? When the BAU was here working on a case at his invitation, he brought us into his home and treated us like we were family, because Alex was part of our work family, and that always stood out in my mind."
Alex was so grateful to hear her father described that way, since her relationship with him had been fraught for so many years, and she squeezed her friend's hand a little tighter, trying to let her know without words just how much that meant. From the answering sequence of squeezes, she was certain that Penelope understood, and they let out a tandem sigh. "I can most definitely make certain to mention that, miss. It's good to hear that Damon's unfailing generosity extended to those far outside his sphere of influence here in Kansas City." The pastor glanced at his watch before looking at them once more. "All right, let me pray with you now, and then Brandon will come to lead you into the sanctuary five minutes before the service is set to begin."
Alex nodded as she closed her eyes, the old habits coming back to the forefront as she listened to the pastor pray. It was a sweet prayer asking for comfort for them as they went about this difficult day, and she sniffled a little as the tears started to pool in her eyes once more. Penelope tightened her hold on her hand as the pastor finished the prayer, but the moment he had left the room, she was letting go and rummaging around in her purse, pulling out a delicate lawn handkerchief and giving it to Alex. "Here, sugar, use this today."
"Thank you," she said as she sat up and dabbed at her eyes, trying not to smudge her mascara. "Again, I appreciate the four of you being here so very much."
"There is no other place that we could be, Alex. But I think that Reid and I are going to go find a seat in the sanctuary, as there was only one pew saved for family, and I think that Penelope and Dave should be the ones to join you on it, along with the rest of your extended relations."
She nodded as she gave Hotch a small smile as he came over to her side and gave her a quick hug, Reid following suit. He hung on to her for just a beat longer than completely necessary, but she relished the touch, finding it soothing. "We'll see you on the other side, Alex," he whispered in her ear, and she nodded, letting him go.
Once they were gone, Dave got to his feet and went over to the window, staring out it as Penelope pulled her closer to her side. It was a comfort to just let her stroke her hair, and Alex closed her eyes once more, using these last few minutes of quiet to try and find a way to center herself. "Emily called this morning, too, and wanted to pass along her condolences. I know that you only met her the one time, but you made an impression on her."
"She was great to work with when we tried to find JJ. I can see why you went to visit her once she transferred to Interpol. If it had been Erin, I probably would have done the same, once we had made amends."
Penelope nodded a little before kissing the crown of her head, and Alex sighed at the tender touch. "Sorry, I'm unthinkingly tactile when one of my friends is hurting. I forget that not everyone…"
"You're fine. For today. And maybe the next few days." Her words were choppy, but she couldn't find a way to smooth them as tears started to clog her throat once more. Penelope gave a small nod before running her hand up and down Alex's arm. "My heart is stone."
"Mine was the same. That stone will crack when you are least prepared for it, so do not hesitate to call me when that happens. I am a great listener." Alex murmured her assent before getting even closer to Penelope, allowing the warmth of her body to bleed into her body. The time passed slowly, but she fully recognized that that was entirely in her mind, that the way she was feeling was doing something to the way she was perceiving time and her surroundings. Still, she wished that time would move faster, so that this horrid afternoon would be over, and she could go back to the house and sleep away the rest of the day.
"All right, we're ready for you, Alex." She sat up straight and looked at Brandon, taking in the small, understanding, smile on his face. "Remember, you're following after the caskets, and will be seated in the front row with your friends. The rest of the extended family has already been seated in the allocated pews. Do you have any last minute questions?"
"No, I don't think so," she said quietly as Dave helped her to her feet. Letting out a sad little breath, she allowed him to wrap his arm around her waist as Penelope got to her feet and took hold of her hand as they followed Brandon from the prayer room. She was startled to see that the entire sanctuary was filled, with a number of people standing in the back, and her steps faltered a little. Penelope squeezed her hand a few times before letting go and slinging her arm above Dave's around her waist, buffering her from the people who had started to gawk at her as she approached the caskets.
"We're here, Lex, and we won't go anywhere until you tell us to," Penelope whispered as the organ music changed to a different song.
"Thank you. I, I think that I want to follow the caskets alone? But I want you on either side of me when we reach the front. Please?"
"Of course, sugar." Penelope pecked her cheek before stepping away from her, Dave following suite as they began the long journey down the aisle. Alex could feel the weight of so many eyes on her, and she shivered a little as she finally reached the front. While the pallbearers were arranging the caskets, she took a seat on the plush pew, finally able to let out a breath of relief when she was once more surrounded by her friends. Alex found herself spacing out during the service, listening to various people from the force talk about her dad and her brother, praising them richly, as they deserved, but it felt impersonal, like they couldn't capture their true essence.
It wasn't until the pastor began to speak about them that the first tears began to roll down her cheeks, and she used the handkerchief that Penelope had given her to earlier to wipe them away before twisting the fabric between her fingers as she listened to the man extol everything good and true about them. He even included Penelope's anecdote, using it to tell those gathered about how generous and caring her father had been, how that had been reflected in the lives of sacrifice that she and Scotty had lived. Hearing herself praised like that, knowing how much her father had loved her, made her cry all the harder, and she was grateful to feel Dave spread out his hand on her back, comforting her even as Penelope leaned in to touch shoulders with her, allowing her to rest against her as the service concluded.
Brandon came forward after the pastor had finished praying over the food, indicating for them to stand, and she got to her feet somewhat shakily, grateful when Dave steadied her. Once more, they followed the caskets out of the sanctuary, and she was so grateful when Hotch and Reid stepped out of the back pew and joined her in walking outside to the waiting limousine. "I know that this is probably a lot, Alex, but it was a lovely service. It feels like the pastor truly understood who Scott and Damon were." She gave Reid a small nod before reaching out for his hand, wanting a new hand to hold, so that Penelope wouldn't feel beholden to her.
"There will be room in the limo for all of you, I don't want to ride to the cemetery alone. It was difficult enough to hear that Dad had purchased plots for me and Scotty years ago, so that we could be near Mom and him when the time came. I never thought that it would be so soon for Scotty." Her words broke off in a choked sob, and to her shock, it was Hotch who reached out and pulled her into a quick hug. Though he was also well acquainted with grief, she always viewed him as being stoic, like herself, so this outpouring of emotion caught her off guard. Still, it was a welcome embrace, and she hugged him back as she drew in a long breath through her nose.
"We never think that death will come for our loved ones, Alex. We tell ourselves that, barring an illness, our family and friends are going to live forever. It's a fallacy our brain tells us to not think about the impending death of all that we love."
She chuckled a little at the way Reid spoke, knowing that he was trying to be comforting, and she nodded a little as they slid into the limousine, Hotch and Reid going first, followed by Dave, and then herself. Penelope brought up the rear, closing the door on them and she felt herself sag with relief to know that no one but her trusted friends could look at her. The weight of all those eyes had gotten beneath her skin, far more than she had thought it would, and even now she shuddered at the thought.
"Is everything okay, Lex?" Penelope murmured as she wrapped her hand over her knee, squeezing a little to let her know that she had her.
"It will be. But there is a very large difference between people looking at you during a lecture and people looking at you during a funeral. I wish that I had been able to turn my brain off, to ignore that, but that seemed to be one of the few things I could focus on while listening to their colleagues go on and on about them." Penelope gave her a tiny smile as she nodded, reaching up to pat her shoulder. Alex nodded and let her head come to rest there. The ride to the cemetery was silent, which was exactly what she needed, though she did relish the slow, soothing, way that Penelope rubbed her arm, reminding her that there were still people in her life that cared for her.
After the limousine had pulled into the cemetery, it didn't take long for it to get back to the freshly dug graves, and she shuddered once more before smoothing her hands down her skirt, wanting to look her best for her daddy. Swallowing thickly, she watched as Dave finagled himself out of the vehicle first so that he could help Penelope and her out. As soon as Hotch and Reid were out, she took hold of Reid and Penelope's hands once more, pulling them over towards where the pastor was waiting for them. The five of them took up the front row of chairs, and she found that she couldn't tear her gaze away from the open holes, her head starting to swim.
Reid was the first one to notice that she was weaving a little, and he placed his hand on her shoulder to keep her upright. "Thank you," she said as she started to recite one of the songs that normally kept her centered, hoping that no one gathered would think her totally insane as she mumbled words without vocalizing anything. Finally, ten minutes after they had arrived, it seemed like everyone had assembled, as the pastor met her eye and dipped his head downwards before starting to speak. His sermon at the graveside was mercifully short, and then he was inviting everyone back to the church for a meal.
Alex waited until she was certain they were some of the last to remain before she stood up and took a few steps forward, resting her hand on her father's casket as she struggled to not cry again. "I love you," she finally managed to whisper before whirling around and looking for Penelope, knowing that she would continue to be a rock for her and needing that security in that moment. The younger woman instantly wrapped her up in a tight hug, humming soothingly in her ear as she led her over to the limousine. This time, as the driver brought them back to the church, the men carried on a low conversation, the smooth sounds of their voices making it a little more peaceful for her, causing her tears to abate for the moment.
"All right, we're back. Gird your loins, this is going to be a difficult few hours." Penelope pressed her lips quickly to the side of her head and then pushed her out of the vehicle. As soon as they were all out, Penelope took hold of her hand possessively, leading her into the church, the others following along behind them. The pastor was waiting for them inside the building, and he guided them down to the fellowship hall, which was still quite full of people. Thankfully, most of them were either eating or getting food, so she was able to slip into the back of the line and fill a plate with some of the array of comfortable, homecooked, foods that were there. "This all looks delicious."
"Yes. The one good thing about Baptists is that they know how to put out a spread during times like these." A fleeting smile swept across her face as she finished putting a rather gooey brownie on her plate. "Now to find somewhere to sit."
"I can show you to your table, Doctor Blake."
She looked up into a somewhat familiar face, trying to place it as she nodded and followed after the woman. To her surprise, there was a completely empty table, marked as reserved, and her shoulders slumped a little in relief as she took a seat, watching the others sit around her. "There seems to be something for everyone on that table."
"Yeah. At least we won't go home hungry," Penelope said, nudging Alex with her elbow and giving her a small wink. "Now, do you think that they'll try to send us home with the leftovers? Because I don't believe that there is any more room in your fridge for anything."
"If we had the jet, we could bring some of it home with us," Hotch joked, and Alex chuckled a little, grateful that he was able to make easy jokes at a time like this, as if he knew that it would help set her mind at ease. "Though I might go up for another plate. Some of this is really delicious."
Reid nodded in reply, giving Alex that easy smile of his, which she returned. From there, they fell into an easy conversation, which was interrupted by numerous people coming up to her, offering their condolences, telling her that they were there if she needed anything. It was exhausting, just like Penelope had warned her, and Alex tried to push through the meal, knowing that once everyone was gone, she could head back to the house and curl up on her bed, ignoring the world at large for the rest of the day. And, if Penelope was serious about helping her clear out the house, she would at least have one friendly face to help guide her through the hell her life had become.