CHAPTER 2: Don't worry. I'll still be here in the morning.

Catherine had finally given up trying to get his attention and was head tilted back and sound asleep with the headphones on. Steve looked at her for a moment, unable to suppress a stab of guilt. She was there for him, she had helped them crack the cipher, and had flown to Hawaii to make sure Steve was ok with his decision to leave for a while. She knew he loved Hawaii and knew how difficult it would be for him to finally leave and cut the moorings.

He wondered what Cole would have said to her, so that she would make the decision to interrupt some mission in some corner of the world and fly to Hawaii. He also wondered what her intentions or expectations would be in doing so. Life at the CIA made her happy… she told that. What would be the consequences for her and her career?

He felt his stomach tighten at the thought of something that troubled him since he saw her standing there: after things took their new course, could he give her what she expected?

A small voice welled up deep in his head. That voice, which sounded strangely just like Danny's and which, from time to time, came up to make him react when he was about to do something incredibly stupid. "You're doing that again, McGarrett! You got into all this to start worrying a little about yourself and a little less about others!" He tried to silence that voice and made a mental note to ask Catherine what her plans were once they landed.

He settled into the seat, turned off the light on the top panel, and closed his eyes, intending to get some sleep, but the memories flooded back into his head one more time.

Hearing the soft knock on the door, Steve froze in the middle of his usual nighttime walk around his room. A few seconds later, he walked slowly to the door and opened it. He wasn't surprised to find Danny's tired face.

"Danny? Something is wrong?" He asked with concern reflected on his face.

Without giving him enough time to reply, Danny put his hand on Steve's agitated chest, gently shoved him, and followed him into the room, closing the door behind them. With stiff movements, he sat on the edge of the bed, under Steve's searching gaze, he couldn't understand what was happening.

With a sigh, Danny leaned forward and propped his elbows on his thighs, looking his partner in the eyes: "You have to stop, Steve."

Steve shook his head several times, trying to figure out what his friend was talking about. Danny wouldn't let him continue this crisis of guilt and self-pity, "You need to stop ..." he said once more, tapping the surface of the mattress next to him, asking Steve to sit down.

When his partner was finally seated, Danny watched him for a few minutes, as Steve tried to escape from that searching gaze, focusing his attention on the wooden floor. But this time he was not going to run away. He had to listen to what Danny had to say. So, the detective took courage and whispered, "Listen..." He raised his hand until it landed gently on Steve's chin and forced him to look up, "You need to make a decision, 'cause you can't keep doing this ... You need to do something to get you out of that depressive hole you've been trapped in for months."

Steve sighed deeply and tried to answer something smart, but the words refused to form in his brain, "Danny... I..."

Danny spoke again: "You've been trapped in a spiral of pain and loss for over a year, Steve... I get it." After saying that, he thought better and rectified: "What the hell! Since we met, you've been losing people... or worse… before that ... Freddie and your father, Taylor, Jenna, Billy, Deb... And the cherry on top was the way you lost Joe and your mom in less than a year."

As he listed the losses, Danny himself seemed to realize his friend's endurance and was surprised that Steve had not broken before; He took a deep breath and continued speaking: "Not to mention your stay in Halawa and your tours of torture and suffering around the world, courtesy of your friend WoFat, Catherine, Doris and even me..."

Noticing the frown on his partner's face, Danny clarified: "Yes... Steve, you've also increased your dose of anguish thanks to my brother's messy adventures, my conflicts with Rachel for Grace's custody and Charlie's illness". Steve tried to shake his head and whispered "Ohana, Danny..."

"Yeah, I know... I've repeated it to myself, over and over again. This is what you do for your family…"

Steve got up, unable to bear that look that seemed to pierce him and bare the depths of his soul. Danny had the power to make him feel exposed… and he didn't like it. He resumed his walk while saying, "But that was you, Danny!" He took a deep breath, shook his head, and closed his eyes again, then he said quietly, "You don't get it..."

Danny misinterpreted the last phrase and reacted by raising his voice a bit, "I don't get it? I don't get what, Steven?" He tried to get up, but his strength failed and, frustrated, he dropped back onto the bed while saying, "Look at me, Steven!… I know none of us has been through the same as you've been. Hell! More than once I've thought that you're a kind of invincible superhero; Grover and the others are convinced that you're Superman… but I've also had my own dose of that… I've been on the edge many times, not to mention almost seeing you die a dozen times as well…"

Steve ran his hands over his face, unsurprised by the dampness he noticed on them, "I don't mean that Danny, I know you've been through terrible things too... But many of those times, when you almost died, it was my fault…"

"Your fault?" Danny shook his head again, "I know I've told you many times that you would be my death, Steve, but aside from the jokes, none of those things were your fault."

Steve's voice dripped sarcasm when he said, "Oh! is that true? And what about the bomb in the building, when you almost died because of Doris's past? ... Or the times you had to travel halfway around the world to save my ass? ... How about you risking your life landing a plane on the beach, when you had no fucking idea of how to do that? The volume of Steve's voice increased at times, to the point where Danny feared that Junior listened to them and went upstairs to see what was going on. He raised his hands asking for calm, so Steve deflated at the conciliatory gesture, sat next to him again, hid his head in his hands and spoke so quietly that Danny had to lean closer to listen to him as he said, "Or, how about risking your life by giving up part of your body to save me?"

Before he knew, Danny's hand flew to his partner's hunched back and he began to gently rub between his shoulder blades, feeling the tension in his muscles when they contract at the gesture. "Don't underestimate me, buddy..." Danny said in a soft voice, "All those times I knew exactly what I was doing... I went into all those situations with my eyes wide open. Those were my actions, so they were my responsibility. None of that is on you."

Stubbornly, Steve shook his head again, his hands still firmly on his eyes. It seemed like he wanted to prevent his soul from spilling through them, so he made an exhausting effort to contain it. "Maybe Danny... but this time was different from all the previous ones... This time happened what I feared the most... what a feared for a long time."

Still massaging his partner's back, Danny asked, in the same conciliatory tone, "What are you talking about? Why is this time different? What were you afraid of?" Then, he seemed to realize there were a lot of questions, so he fell silent and waited.

Steve let the confession slide without realizing what he was saying, until it had escaped his lips, "What I feared the most… what terrified me to the bones was that one of my enemies realized how important you are to me, and use that against me."

Finally, Steve raised his head and looked into Danny's deep blue eyes, those eyes that mesmerized and frighten him at the same time, "She knew that, Danny... She told me when she demanded the handover of the cipher as ransom..."

Danny's confused look told him that no one had told his friend this part of the story, so he explained it, "She told me that each of us had something the other wanted..." he gasped and continued, "She said that she had the person that I care about most in the world…" Another couple of deep breaths interrupted him, before he could finally finish, "and that I had something that belonged to her… but she didn't know... not completely…"

"I don't understand..." Danny said confused.

"She didn't know that I didn't give a damn about the stupid cipher! She didn't know that the fortune Doris left in the crypt… wasn't anything to me. But you... I would have given anything to her, Danny! Even my life, to get you back safely." Steve's eyes were locked on Danny's as he spoke. He wanted his partner to know that he was sincere... that it had never been his intention to put him in danger.

"I know I've been feeling lost lately, Danny… I told you. That's why I can't sleep. I know I need to do something about it…"

Suddenly, he stopped talking, closed his eyes, and tilted his head back as he mustered all his strength to admit it out loud, "It's just… it's just that I don't know what… what I do know is I can't do this anymore… and I also know that it probably won't be on my own terms."

Danny resumed his massage on his partner's back as he recalled their conversation at the hotel in DC. A couple of seconds later he asked, "What is that… babe? What can't you do anymore? Because I think I have an idea, but I need you to tell me. "

"I can't put you in danger again, Danny. Not anymore…" Steve's eyes remained closed as he said that, and his fists clenched so tightly that his knuckles turned white and his hands trembled uncontrollably, "I can't risk the people I care… I can't bear to keep losing all the important people in my life... Unconsciously, I've been putting in danger the ones I love, Mary and Joannie, my friends... You... Sooner or later someone else will realize how vulnerable I am when it comes to you, Danny..." Steve stopped talking for one second, when he realized what he just said and tried to correct it by saying, "when it comes to all of you… I mean, somebody hurts you... then what? Every minute of every hour of every day I worry about it, Danny... and I'm exhausted... so I can't keep doing that, not anymore... I'm not that strong."

A sad little smile spread across Danny's tired face as he said, "You are the strongest man I've ever known, buddy. But don't get it wrong... That day on the beach you told me that you had been protecting everyone except yourself. I agree… you need to do something, but you have to do it for the right reasons, Steve." That confused look clouded those hazel eyes again, so Danny said, "Don't do it for me… or for any of us. You have to do what you have to do... but you must do it for yourself... to heal yourself. To get back on your feet and be able to move on."

And that fear came back... that fear that gripped Danny's throat, preventing him from speaking without feeling like he was choking as he said, "Babe, I can't tell you what to do... you must figure it out yourself, but I must be honest... and tell you that it terrifies me to think about the decision you will make, because…" Danny tried to contain himself, he couldn't tell Steve how he felt. He couldn't put such a burden on his friend's beaten shoulders. He couldn't tell him that he guessed Steve's decision would be to leave Hawaii... and that it would rip Danny's heart apart piece by piece. If Steve needed to go away, Danny would let him go without complaint, even if that decision would destroy him. His friend already had a lot on his plate and Danny wasn't going to make things worse.

Steve waited a few seconds until he realized that Danny wouldn't keep talking, so he asked, "Because...?"

Danny quickly pulled himself together and answered, "Because surely you will decide that your best therapy is to throw a couple of grenades and kill some criminals with a bazooka, and I will have months of paperwork after that..."

Steve took both of Danny's hands and said angrily, "Don't do that ...!"

Danny looked at him surprised and asked, "Don't do what?" Steve replied, "You asked me not to trivialize this... so don't do that either."

Danny sighed and said, "All right... I'm scared, okay?" He mustered up his courage and said, "I'm afraid of what you said that day… that you can't find what you're looking for here in Hawaii because the memories overwhelm you. I'm afraid of what you said... about this picture of you and me... two old guys on the beach watching the sunset... that image was no longer possible… I'm afraid of when you said you needed time out to take some perspective, and I don't know… I don't know how long that will take... and I'm afraid you don't know either. And I'm afraid we don't have enough time to say goodbye, because you told me this is all going to happen very soon, okay?"

Steve approached Danny and this time it was he who was gently massaging his friend's back as he said, "Yes Danny… it will be very soon. It has to be because I don't know how much longer I can hold it."

A couple of tears spilled from Danny's eyes and fell onto the fabric of his pants, wetting it. Steve's hand reached out and his thumb gently wiped his friend's cheeks. Then he said, "It will be soon, Danny, but it won't be tonight. You need some rest... and so do I. Why don't we leave this conversation pending and sleep for a while?"

Danny looked at him, unable to avoid the sadness spilling from his eyes, Steve smiled trying to reassure him. Slowly, he got up and held out a hand to Danny to help him up; Slowly, they walked around the bed and Steve helped his friend lie down, arranging the pillows so Danny could settle in without making his injuries worse. Then he went back around the bed and lay down on the other side. His hand reached out to turn off the lamp. The gloom invaded the room when Steve's hand gently took Danny's as he whispered, "Don't worry Danno. I'll still be here in the morning."