This chapter mostly follows the timeline of the show, but soon it will start to divert from canon. In my version of events 'the kiss' never happened.
Please note there are mentions of sexual assault therefore some may not wish to read.
Thanks for reading this far. x
...
It was getting late as Donna walked down the empty corridor to her office, her mind was occupied with the threat of Malik, she needed to find Louis and convince him to help her prepare with a mock trial. She knew he wouldn't be happy about it and honestly, she wasn't thrilled at the idea of being humiliated in front of the firm again either, but it was better than letting Malik win. And if it meant protecting Harvey.. Her thoughts were interrupted and her steps slowed when she rounded the corner to her office and saw a huge bouquet of red roses on her desk. Her stomach dropped and she knew instantly who they were from.
Donna, I'm sorry. I really enjoyed our evening and can't wait to see you again soon. M.
Nausea gripped her stomach and she quickly screwed the card up into a ball. She wasn't ready to face any questions from Rachel or Harvey about where the flowers came from so she hid them under her desk and threw the card in the trash. She had still been avoiding Mark's calls and now he had gone back home she had hoped he would drop it and she could forget about that awful situation she had gotten herself in.
She made a mental note to go down to IT and get Benjamin to show her how to block a number on her phone first thing in the morning, right now her and Harvey needed to go and find Louis.
...
After Louis had finally listened and agreed to the mock trial she felt a light relief, although everything that happened with Mark and the threat of Malik still weighed down on her. Everything seemed to be going wrong for her at the moment and she just needed some company for a while. She bought a bottle of wine and caught a cab to Mike and Rachel's apartment.
She still felt guilty for lying to Rachel in the bathroom but at that point she hadn't fully processed what happened that night and if she is being honest she still hasn't.
She knocked on the door and lent heavily against the door frame, everything was really taking it toll on her. When was the last time I ate? she mused as the door opened.
"Donna, what are you doing here?" Rachel instantly looked worried but once Donna explained she was here to talk about her date the other night, she smiled and invited her in.
Rachel handed Donna a glass of wine as they sat down together in the dimly lit living room. Donna took a large sip and tried to talk herself out of telling Rachel the truth, shame burned in her cheeks and she couldn't bear to think of her friend judging her. But she was just so tired of carrying it around, she needed to share it with someone before it ate away at her.
"Do you remember at Harvey's mock trial a couple of years ago, when Louis asked if I loved Harvey?"
"How could I not?" Rachel sighed as she relived her friend's pain.
"He also asked me about my last serious boyfriend and what broke us up-"
"He asked you to choose between him and Harvey." Rachel looks up into Donna's eyes, noticing for the first time how tired she looked. "And you wouldn't."
"Well I was thinking about that old boyfriend recently and-" She paused as regret surged through her again, "I called him and we went out to lunch,"
"And..?"
"It was wonderful, until he told me he was married.. and I was about to meet him at a hotel when I got your text."
"Donna-"
"I was about to turn around and leave but he convinced me to stay, just for one drink and I had nowhere else to be so I agreed." She smiled sadly avoiding eye contact, her eyes prickled with tears. "I went to leave but he-" Rachel reached over to hold Donna's hand.
"He just started kissing me and I didn't stop him, I wanted to but I..I just froze and-" Tears spilled down her cheeks and she finally looked at Rachel's horrified face. "I don't know what happened, he forced himself on me and I asked him to stop but I don't think he heard and-"
"You don't think-?" she asked incredulously, "Donna, it sounds like he ignored you, he didn't have your consent and that makes it.." She trailed off, unable to actually say the word.
"No, Rachel - It was my fault I went to his room, I knew he was married and-"
"This was not your fault, Donna." She squeezed harder on the hand she was now holding between hers.
"Please don't tell Mike about this, Rachel. If Harvey finds out that I slept with a married man.." She trails off and swipes at the tears on her cheeks as Rachel puts down her glass and pulls her friend into a hug.
"I won't but I wish you had come to me sooner." Rachel whispered, hating that Donna had been dealing with this alone.
"I know, I guess, maybe I was judging myself and I was afraid that you were going to judge me too."
"I would never do that."
"I know but sometimes it just easier to push away the people that care about you than tell them the real story."
"Well, you can push me away as much as you want, I'll still be here." She let go of Donna's hand and sat back as she prepared to say something she knew her friend wouldn't like. "I think you should go to the police."
"What? No, No way!" Donna recoiled. "We all know what happens during these cases, the woman is humiliated in court as her life is picked apart in court and-"
"Donna-"
"No Rachel!" She glared at her friend and gathered herself to leave. "I've got to go, please just keep this between us." She softened her features as she met her friend's concerned eyes. "I'll see you tomorrow."
...
When she got back to her apartment she grabbed her mail and made her way up to her apartment, looking over her shoulder on the stairs like she had never before felt she needed to. Once she was inside she tossed the envelopes onto the table in the hall and went back to her door to make sure it was locked behind her, she slid on the security chain that she usually didn't bother with.
Her conversation with Rachel replayed in her mind, until her friend pointed it out she hadn't considered that what happened in that hotel room was an assault. Was she raped? Why was it so hard to remember what exactly had happened? Nausea burned up her throat and she just made it to the kitchen sink before emptying her liquid stomach contents there, retching until there was nothing left to bring up.
She sipped at a glass of water and despite feeling bone tired she resisted going to bed, the last thing she needed was silence so she turned on the radio to fill the lonely space and provide distraction. It was set on a jazz station, Harvey had once mentioned it was a station who had supported his Dad and played his music in the past and since then it had become a habit for her to listen to the soothing melodies when she was feeling lonely and missing listening to music with him in his office. That seemed to happen a lot these days since he was going home to Paula.
She grabbed the stack of mail and flicked through the bills and magazine subscriptions, coming across a hand written envelope she froze. Her hands began to shake as she realized the letter didn't have a stamp on and had obviously been hand delivered to her mailbox.
She held it unopened in her hands and thought she should just rip it up and throw it away but against her better judgement she opened it. Unfolding it cautiously as if the words were going to jump off the page at her.
Donna,
When I saw you again I knew I had to have you and I was so happy when you let me.
What we have is special and I don't think you realize that yet.
How am I supposed to make you see, when you won't let me in?
If it carries on then maybe I will just have to force my way in.
M.
Donna's mouth hung open and she could feel the threat in the last line bouncing off the page, the way the scrawl of his hand writing got sharper as he became angrier. She quickly screwed the letter up and held the ball of paper above the trash can before suddenly changing her mind and unscrewing it, she flattened it out and put it back in the envelope. Rachel's words played on her mind. She had worked in the law industry long enough to know it was evidence, not that she planned on going to the police but if anything happened to her..
She put the envelope in a drawer and slammed it shut. She ran a hand through her hair and walked into her bedroom, she decided to try and get a few hours sleep before her mock trial with Louis tomorrow. Her body yearned for sleep but she doubted she would get much tonight, she shivered as her apartment felt especially dark and quiet tonight and she tossed and turned under the duvet forcing her eyes shut and wishing for daylight already.
...
Donna sat alone in the dark in her office, she had been humiliated in court by that bastard Malik and his lies about her and Harvey. She had come back to the office to an inbox full of emails from Mark, she hadn't even bothered to open them before deleting them all, blocking his email address and slamming her laptop shut. Her instinct was to go home but she couldn't find the strength to leave and the thought of sitting alone in her apartment wasn't that appealing in the current circumstances.
Louis appeared in her doorway asking how it had gone in court and she had bitten his head off about not preparing her and making excuses for not doing the mock trial. Yet again she had been accused of sleeping her way into her job, a court full of men thinking that Malik was probably telling the truth and that the case should continue due to her and Harvey's allegedly sordid actions. She was just so tired. Tired of having to justify her worth, her position, her gender. It all bubbled over like a volcano erupting and Louis was the channel for her burning tirade.
...
The firm was practically empty and Harvey and Donna were in his office, she was holding back her tears after sharing that Holly Cromwell wasn't willing to testify, of course she wasn't and Harvey had basically said her own testimony was no good now after the beating she had taken in court from Malik. She wasn't sure how much more she could take, her vision blurred with unshed tears and a lump formed in her throat.
"I wanted to get back at him so badly. And I wanted to be the one to do it."
"You were the one to do it." The look in Harvey's eyes made her chest ache as he tried to comfort her with his words.
"How?" She asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
"You realized it was Holly and the truth is she was never gonna say yes no matter who asked."
"So what are we gonna do?" She couldn't take her eyes off his, boring into her as if he could read everything going on within her. She certainly hoped he hadn't developed that superpower.
"Mike and I are going to use what you gave us to put a gun to Andrew Malik's head and if we do it right he is going to regret the day he met you."
"Thank you, Harvey." She let out a long sigh and went to stand, exhaustion washed over her and she resisted the urge to rub at her tired eyes.
"Hey, you OK? I know you've had a tough time with this Malik thing." She smiled sadly and nodded. If only you knew that was just the tip of the iceberg. His brown eyes searched hers as his mouth twisted with concern.
"See you tomorrow, Harvey." This time she got up and made for the exit, she discreetly steadied herself on the way through the door as the tired haze clouded her vision. She couldn't remember the last time she had eaten and she decided she would try to stomach something tonight.
...
She had decided to order from 'that shitty Thai place' as Harvey insisted on calling it, although she knew he only called it that to annoy her. She didn't really fancy anything so she just ordered her usual and hoped once it was here she would feel hungry, she had got home at a reasonable time this evening and hoped she would be able to wind down and relax enough to get some sleep, she was sure she couldn't make it through another day without it.
She changed into her pajamas and started removing her make up in the mirror, she was shocked at her appearance. She had dark circles around her dull eyes, her face appeared gaunt and she almost didn't recognize the person looking back at her. Her inner turmoil was growing and poisoning her from the inside out. She had never been the type to wallow in self pity, in fact she purposefully avoided thinking over her own problems. She would much rather divert her energy into helping others with their issues and being the one others relied on to provide solutions to their problems.
Her thoughts went to Harvey, he probably didn't need her anymore now he had Paula to confide in, she would provide him with insightful ways to deal with office conflicts and managing himself. Paula was probably much better at it than her anyway, since it was actually her job, no wonder he fell for her. He would never admit it but he had always needed someone to hold his hand and guide him when he lost his way, someone to be his moral compass and now that person was no longer her.
Maybe that was a good thing because there was no denying she was struggling with her own shit at the moment, she had hoped speaking to Rachel would have helped, A problem shared is a problem halved, wasn't that the phrase? But she hadn't gone into the full details of what was going on. Since then the intensity of Mark's stalking had increased and Rachel had been so busy with the case with Robert she hadn't seen her for days. She knew it wasn't fair to expect her friend to lie to Mike so she was cautious in fully opening up to her in case Harvey heard about any of this.
She jumped as her phone vibrated against the kitchen counter, an incoming call from her Mom lit up the screen. She considered ignoring the call but decided she she should make an effort to speak to her more often.
"Hi Mom." She answered as lightly as she could manage.
"Hello Darling, I'm sorry I've not been in touch. Your father and I have just got back from cruising around the Mediterranean. How are you?"
"Sounds great. I'm fine, how are you both doing?" She asked without any of the usual enthusiasm she had when it came to her parent's vacations.
"You don't sound fine, Donna? Are you sure you're alright darling?" Her mother's concern almost broke her resolve, suddenly she felt 10 years old and in need of a hug from her Mom that would make her forget all her troubles.
She was considering her answer when there was a knock at the door.
"Just tired, I'll call you back in the morning Mom. My dinner just arrived." She smiled hoping it would transmit down the phone and cease her Mom's worrying.
"I wish you'd learn to cook, Donna." She laughed, "Speak to you tomorrow, love you."
"Love you too, Mom. Bye." She placed the phone down and grabbed some cash from the counter to pay for her take out, counting it as she made her way to the door and opened it.
She reached out for the bag before looking up and startling as she met Mark's eyes.
...
If you got this far..Thanks for reading. I'm finding it quite draining writing sad Donna, I know its probably a downer to read but hope you will stick with me.
Thanks again and please leave a review if you can :)