Forgive but cannot forget

Chapter one

What about the sky makes it look as if the God's tears have been set alight? Blinging white, exploding and erupting a volcano of rage and grief. Maybe it was the time for Lucy to get some sleep. Nothing good ever came to mind at hours as late as these. The wind swirls around her, whipping her hair to and fourth as her mind tossed and turned. She needed to get away, but her heart had already rooted itself. Yet the soils nurturance had been stripped bare. No matter how far the roots grounded themselves if the sky didn't weep and the sun didn't smile then all she would do is wilt.

Exhausting lulled her, pulled her away from the sky, let her fingers intertwine with the chilling soggy grass. Sleep's fingers curled around her, hands soft and gentle. Oh, how easy it would be to just forget it all. Soak in the pools of ignorant bliss and love Natsu freely, completely. He need not return her feelings. Need not even acknowledge her thirst.

She'd tried of course. Let his words sate her, twist them to fool herself into wearing glass jewels. Greed has a way of tugging at your sleeve until the cloth turns to string. Their lips hadn't even touched before he'd pulled away. And he injected her with his words once more- true words, kind words yet finally she had realised words were spoken in whispers compared to the roar of actions.

Could she really unearth her tender heart? Her grip of the grass went slack and her mind stilled. She would have to leave. For however long it took, find where the flowers bloom and let the sun take her in.

'You know a mind as sharp as yours can be dulled if not taken care of, Princess'

Turning her head around Lucy took in Loke's tender gaze. He always had the same sternness as a parent. 'Is that your way of telling me I'm getting dumb?' though she tried the humour wouldn't flow with her as it should. Heavy rocks bending the river slowing and staggering its movement.

Loke looked tired. Seemed no matter how powerful nobody could escape the weight of existing. 'It means you should get some rest. I can feel your exhaustion, Princess. Something is bothering you.' Sitting down beside her he let his gaze focus on the entrancing stars.

'It's the same as always' she said, stretching her legs in front of her, 'I'm greedy, Loke. I want more than I need- until it feels more essential than the air I breath. I'm starting to doubt I wouldn't trade them' she rested her head on his shoulder, 'I need to get away'

For once Loke seemed unsure of himself. Mouth pressed into a line, wise eyes showing just how much older he was than it would appear at first glance. After a moment or two more of silence he spoke, 'as you spirit, I will tell you I support you and as your friend I tell you to think this through' caution laced every word he spoke, calculated. 'You know he loves you. He loves you more than anything. The pain you felt when the guild disbanded, and the pain of the heart's troubles are awfully similar. He will hurt as you hurt.'

'This is completely different' she snapped, 'I was alone. There was nobody else to go on quests with or laugh with or cry with. He will have everyone. He and Happy have each other. You know our pain will not be the same' Lucy had now crossed her arms around her legs. Eyes beginning to well and sting as emotions began to bubble over. Natsu could never understand just how much it had hurt. Yes, he'd brought the guild back. But he had never outright apologised. Maybe actions roared but her head hurt, and she desperately needed a whisper.

'Wait until morning' he pleaded. 'Wait until you've spoken with Natsu. Do not leave without a goodbye' Lucy nodded but her mind had already made up. Finally, she understood why Natsu had left a note. Cowardice. They really were alike.

Laying in her tent, sleep was less willing to take her in its clutches. But there was no tossing and turning, the blankets didn't choke her like they usually did. At last, she knew what must be done and the dust would settle. She felt no malice towards Natsu. Sometimes she felt it would be easier if she did, even if she knew he didn't deserve it. But love is more complicated than that. Even when the petals start to fall the flower persists and grow.

This was about her. Her and her heart that was just too big for its small body. Sometimes so large she could scarcely breathe. Crushing the air from her lungs with every deadly beat. Lucy hated that it would hurt him, that it would hurt Happy. Try as she might she knew her absence would be noticed. They were her partners for crying out loud if it weren't for Erza's prude beliefs then they would be sharing the same tent. It was too much for her to be so submerged in him. The pain was greater than the good, the cloth had been unravelled and she was now a pile of string.

She got up. then and there. Tearing paper from her favourite notebook. The one she'd bought with Natsu for this very adventure. The hundred-year quest was something she had planned on documenting. Should she leave it with him, the pages would not be filled with the words they are supposed to. Maybe that's okay, she had a track record for wiring in books things she wasn't supposed to. It was better this way. Maybe fate wants her to document this. She hadn't last time. Hadn't let her self-write anything personal. She could help but wonder if writing was what kept her going or what tore her down.

It kept her going.

Lucy wrote a letter to Natsu and Happy. A quick, I'm off and I'm sorry. No heartfelt confession. This is what she'd hated Natsu for. No, not Natsu. Shed hated herself for it, wondered why she wasn't strong enough to come along, why she was so insignificant he didn't bother to face her. Now she knew. He couldn't face her. Because the minute he saw her tears he'd do what he always did. He'd save her. And if she saw the hurt that crossed him then she could never leave. Cowards, the both of them.

Maybe one day she would be stronger. Lucy had never imagined after all the years she'd fought to be by Natsu's side now when peace finally rested on their heavy, heavy heads was when she started to move.

Opening the flap of her tent Lucy looked around her. This felt wrong. Loke was right. She needed to see him one last time. Leaving her pack at the foot of her tent Lucy swallowed the lump building in the back of her throat. Maybe Natsu had been a coward and maybe she was but she didn't want to be. Mistakes were to be learned from.

'Natsu?' she questioned. It was dark, the moonlight shielded by the tent's fabric. He grunted, 'Natsu' she whispered again this time the noise was more distinguishable to a ''what'' she found his sleeping bag and sat next to it 'I need to talk to you'

He opened his eyes then, clearly concentrating on waking himself up, 'what's wrong?' Natsu voice was raspy, tired she felt bad for waking him. Maybe this was stupid. She didn't know what to say, 'Luce?' he asked again, softly urging her to tell him. Always so open for her to spill the troubles that had circled her.

'I- 'she began, but nothing more came out. Troubles closing her lungs, black toxic claws resting gently on her throat. Would she die with these secret feeling? He put a hand on Lucy's shoulder, so warm and comforting, 'you know I never want to hurt you, Natsu. Nothing I do is ever to hurt you. Nor is anything I do your fault.' The claws pierced her skin, petals oozed where blood should fall. Her throat scratchy tears welled in her eyes. No- she wouldn't let herself fall so easily. There was a solution to her pain.

Sitting up fully now Natsu furrowed his brows, 'yeah…what's this about though?' he wasn't so concerned yet. Just confused, Lucy had always been weird but usually, he could make sense of her.

'Nothing I just- I wanted you to know, Happy too' glancing where Happy was asleep in his own miniature sleeping bag.

'You're weird Lucy'

She gasped loudly before hushing herself so as to not destroy anyone else's sleeping schedule, 'am not' she whisper-hissed defensively. That boy! Lucy couldn't believe she had wanted to say goodbye to him. What a jerk!

Natsu didn't back off though, 'sure ya are,' he grinned, 'ya sneak into me and Happy's tent in the middle of the night. That's pretty weird if you ask me' folding his arms over his chest Natsu smirked, scrunching his nose when Lucy pulled an unhappy face.

'Well, since I'm so weird I'll take my leave' she went to get up, 'might be contagious'

Rising with her Natsu grabbed her and, lightly, 'aww Luce you know I didn't mean it, sides wouldn't mind a little weirdness when it's from you' thankful he couldn't see her blush Lucy sat back down. Ignoring the panic clawing at her ribs. Maybe she could leave tomorrow night?

Shuffling closer Lucy let his hand go, 'jeez thanks' he gave a whole-hearted burst of laughter. Silencing himself when Happy stirred.

'I've missed it being just us' he admitted, blushing, yet with an air of seriousness that always came in waves pulling her back to the sea. 'I mean- its fun and all with the others, even Gray, but kinda feel like I've been missing out on time with you. Just you' he looked sheepish, fingers fiddling with the zipper of his sleeping bag. They really hadn't been alone in a while. Still weren't, Happy still dozing in the corner. Hope blossomed within her. Maybe they really could be more.

'Don't be silly, Natsu. You're just tired' she tried reasoning. For herself more than him. Exhaustion was clouding reason and if she didn't snap herself out of it the games would begin again.

'Yeah, thanks to you' Natsu poked her collarbone, lightly before swinging his arm around her shoulders pulling them both down on the sleeping bag, 'gotta catch up on sleep before sunrise. Tomorrows gonna be packed. I can feel it'

Guilt tried to stop her from enjoying this, stop her from going down with Natsu as he warped his arms around her, stop her from smiling as he mumbled a goodnight into her hair. Natsu had a way of turning her to a clean slate. So why couldn't she rest?

Yes, it's early! I thought I wasn't going to write again. But ya know, stuff happens people change, a pandemic takes over the world. As you can tell the story is going to take a slightly different path than before. I'd like to think it's more canon to their characters. Lucy wants to stay but she thinks if she doesn't want to lose Natsu she has to find clarity alone.

Thank you to those who favourited and followed. and thank you to guest and 'slide into the DM' lmao for reviewing!

New chapter April 14th!