Six

Chapter 2

"Hey, there!"

Emily forced some brightness into her tone, though the image of the figure in the bed had taken her aback. She'd seen him ill before, and distressed, but she'd never seen Spencer Reid looking quite so depleted.

"Emily."

At least there was some strength to his voice. She crossed over to the bedside, bending to give him a little buss on the cheek before pulling up a chair.

"How are you feeling?" Going through the motion of polite inquiry, despite knowing how likely he was to minimize.

"Well," he croaked, "I have a giant headache. But otherwise, I'm fine."

Immediately, a memory flashed into Emily's mind, of another conversation, nearly a decade ago, when a much younger Reid had confessed his headaches to her. He'd not told the others, he'd said, because he hadn't wanted to be babied. In very many ways, that conversation had both defined their friendship and guided its course.

Even if I wasn't really present to him, that day, because Doyle was already pulling my life apart. But it stuck with me, that he would tell me, and not the others. It was a gift, of sorts.

His relationship with her had always been a bit different from the ones he'd had with the others. Maybe it was because he'd already had his feet under him by the time she'd met him. She'd been the newbie, and he the experienced, albeit easily ten years younger, BAU supervisory special agent, even if she'd had far more experience, much of which was classified. Maybe it was because they'd found common ground in their intellects and love for culture and foreign films. Maybe it was because, on the many occasions he'd needed it, she'd found a way to be supportive and sympathetic toward him without mothering him.

Whatever it was, she'd found a way to preserve the mature aspect of their relationship despite the several entrances and exits she'd made to and from his life. Most recently, as unit chief, she'd had to navigate the balance between maintaining her friendships while also inserting a protective distance between herself and her team members. But she intended no such distance in this moment. One of her dearest friends had almost died, and she was going to celebrate the fact of his life. Quietly, because he had a headache.

"So, did Garcia tell you? We got him."

"Garcia?"

"Yes, Penelope. She was here, with you and your mother. I thought she would tell you.''

"My mom was here?" He looked puzzled. "I thought she was part of the in-between."

This conversation had become so confusing that Emily began to wonder if she had suffered a brain injury.

"What are you talking about? What's 'the in-between'?"

His reply was non-responsive. "Why was my mother here? Was she upset?"

Not able to tolerate the thought that Diana had been subjected to seeing him so severely injured.

Not at this stage of her life. What would be the point of putting her through something like that?

There had been a faux pas, and Emily realized she would have to explain it to him.

"Firstly, yes, she was here, and she was no doubt upset at first. I'm sorry for that, because it shouldn't have happened. But she left happy because, even if you don't remember it, you woke up and spoke to her, before Garcia took her home."

He was a bit perturbed not to have preserved that short-term memory.

"I don't remember Garcia being here, either. I don't remember much before you came in. Now I'm not sure I'll even remember this conversation." But he did remember her words of a few seconds ago. "Why was my mother here?"

"JJ said it was because they asked her if she was family, and she had to tell them she wasn't, officially, that you had a mother."

"JJ was here, too?"

Emily gave him a regretful smile. "You really don't remember anything, do you?"

He started to shake his head, but the pain stopped him. "The last real thing I remember is coming into my apartment, and thinking…..thinking…" He had to give up. "I don't even remember what I was thinking."

"Did anyone tell you how you got to the hospital?"

"I've barely spoken with anyone. Not that I can remember, anyway. Just one of the doctors, but she was paged away."

His old friend pondered a moment, not wanting to reveal more than he could handle. But then she remembered who she was talking to, and the certainty that he would want to know everything.

"Okay, so. When we realized we might all be in danger, I sent JJ and Garcia over to your apartment, because you'd missed the morning meeting."

"What danger? How long was I unconscious?"

Emily realized her error and backtracked to tell him about the Chameleon having apparently survived the explosion, and how they profiled that he might target the team.

"That's it! That's what I couldn't remember, just before. I realized he must have survived, and escaped!"

She smiled to see a remnant of his usual look of discovery. "Well, you were right. He did. And so I sent JJ and Garcia over to check on you, and bring you in to the BAU. Except it didn't quite work out like that."

He tried to process the information, and the implications, but his brain wasn't quite functioning at its usual speed.

"So, do they think I was unconscious the whole time, since my last memory? Or do they think I lost the memories of the rest of the night?"

Emily only knew what JJ thought, and the guilt she was holding over having been too distracted by her fellow female team members and several glasses of wine. But it would do no one any good to bring that up, and since they didn't technically know exactly when he'd lost consciousness, she kept that part vague.

"I don't think anyone knows. They just saw you on the floor, and then you had a seizure."

He was aware of that much. "Dr. Kiyomura told me, a little while ago. Apparently, I had several of them. That's what made her consider surgery, but she apparently talked it over with someone, and they decided to wait."

Emily smiled at him. "I'm glad they did. I'd hate for that handsome face to be surrounded by some big, ugly bandage." When he gave her a responsive smile, she continued. "I spoke with Dr. Kiyomura. I guess they didn't quite understand, when they learned you had a next of kin. JJ was pretty shaken up by finding you the way she did, as you might imagine. So it wasn't until she was on her way back to the BAU that she thought to call me. She realized I would have taken over from Hotch as your proxy."

"Are you saying they were bringing my mom in to make decisions?"

Even more upset that Diana might have been taxed with something so beyond her ability, and the effect it might have had on her.

"Well, yes, they did. But we set that straight pretty quickly. I told them to do what they thought best in their expert opinion. But then I called our favorite doctor."

He knew immediately who she meant. "But Dr. Kimura isn't a neurosurgeon."

"Granted. But she knows the best. So, I gave permission to release the information, and she made arrangements for your studies to be looked at by two people she thinks highly of, and everyone came down on the side of waiting it out. Something about pressures not being too high, and no active bleeding."

The terms might have meant little to her, but they apparently meant something to him, even in his debilitated state.

"Most of my intracranial bleeding probably happened near to the time of the explosion, but the edema happened gradually after that, and is probably what caused the rest of my symptoms. With no active bleeding, and with the pressure remaining stable, it was better to wait."

"If you say so. And, since it's you saying so,"…since it's you saying anything, at all, thank God! "….I'm good with it."

Reid had a question for her.

"What happened to the rest? Has anyone else died? I know there were some others who were badly hurt."

JJ had given Emily notice about Reid's sense of guilt about the casualties, although there had hardly been need for it. Of course, he would have felt guilty. He wouldn't have been Reid, otherwise.

The unit chief kept a steady gaze on her friend as she responded to him.

"There have been no more deaths from the explosion, and the doctors say that they expect everyone to make a full recovery. Including you."

Making a point. It hadn't just been 'other agents' injured.

"I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry about, Spencer. The team made a profile, and it evolved, as it usually does."

"But I sent those people to their deaths!"

Emily knew to tread carefully.

"You transmitted an order, which I had already approved. It wasn't your fault."

He started to shake his head again, and had to immediately stop.

"I should have seen it. I should have…"

Emily leaned in, and placed a hand on his arm.

"Spencer Reid, I think you know how much I love you, and how much I respect your intellect. But, even if you don't, I realize that your mind is not infallible, and I realize that you are human. This wasn't your doing. I was the unit chief in charge. Let me own it."

Reid wasn't any more inclined to let Emily to feel the guilt than she was, him. And he realized the potential cost to her.

"You can't. It might mean…" He cut himself off, easily able to read the news in her expression. "It's already happened, hasn't it? You've lost the directorship."

She tried to shrug it off. "They wouldn't exactly have let me move FBI headquarters to Denver anyway, right?"

"Emily, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. If only…." Then, her words penetrated. "Wait, are you moving to Denver?"

There had been so much talk of change lately, and it had left him feeling unmoored, even before his brain injury. Emily had been shortlisted for director of the FBI, and simultaneously entertained the idea of moving to Denver to be with Andrew Mendoza. Garcia had just recently announced being recruited by a nonprofit. And JJ had been invited to become the leader of the FBI field office in New Orleans.

"Nothing's definite, and nothing is imminent. I promise you, you'll be among the first to know if I decide to leave the BAU. Can't have one of my best friends finding out through the office grapevine, can I?"

Reid was quiet. So quiet, that she felt a need to draw him out.

"Tell me what you're thinking."

He gathered himself before responding. "I'm thinking that change is inevitable. And terrible."

She grinned. This was the first real sign of the Reid she knew and loved.

"Truer words, handsome. Truer words."

He returned a small smile, and a request.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything, you know that."

"Well, maybe not anything. Maybe not this thing. But…. when I was unconscious, I had an experience."

Suddenly, it clicked with her. "The 'in-between'?"

He nodded, which was considerably less painful than moving his head back and forth.

"I saw some people, and I had full conversations with them. And it came back to me….. Do you remember when we had that case where the unsub was trying to find out about the afterlife, by bringing his victims to near-death, and then reviving them?"

She did. How could she not have? It was when she'd admitted the terror of her own near-death experience, and learned of Reid's, for the first time.

"Yes."

"Well, I was wondering…..what was it like for you? If you don't mind telling me, of course. I mean, I remember that you said it wasn't like what I experienced when Hankel tried to kill me. I'd just seen a bright light, and felt a benevolent presence, but you…"

"I had a very different experience." Clearly not enthused about sharing it.

"You don't have to tell me. I'm sorry if I shouldn't have asked."

"But you did. Why? Do you want to tell me what happened, in the 'in-between'?"

Reid had mixed feelings about that. Part of what he'd experienced had been wicked, and part amazingly wonderful and yet simultaneously painful. And intimate. The kind of intimate that he was reluctant to share. So started with generalities.

"I saw people I knew, who had died. Some of them were kind, and encouraging. But one of them taunted me."

"Hmph. Tell me about it. Doyle wasn't the only really bad guy I dealt with in my past. He was just the worst. "

Reid grabbed onto her words. "So, you had that experience, too? People who had died before you, coming to meet you? To guide you?"

"I wouldn't exactly say I felt guided. More like the word you used, 'taunted'. I felt taunted, but not guided. But then, none of the people I met when I was in the 'in-between' as you call it, had ever really loved me."

"Then none of them could have ever really known you." Absurdly feeling a need to defend her to her demons.

She grinned. "And that's why I love you."

His shy smile emerged, ever less shy over time. "I think I count on that."

Emily was moved to reach for his hand. "Tell me about it. What happened to you?"

He seemed to be taking a long time to gather his thoughts.

Or maybe to decide if he wants to tell me at all.

"I'm sorry. You don't have to."

"No," he was quick to reply. "I think I want to. Maybe I need to."

She settled back, still holding on to his fingers. "Whenever you're ready."

"It's just…it was different from before, from what happened with Hankel. Maybe because that was sudden, and this was more gradual, I don't know. But I remember it vividly, even more vividly than I remember coming here to the hospital, or Garcia or my mother being here, before. Like it was more real than reality, you know?"

She did, unfortunately. Her own experience had required a great deal of ethanol therapy, for how realistic it had been.

"I remember coming off the elevator, into the BAU. And I saw Gideon, and Hotch, and I started to call out to them, because somehow I knew I was in trouble, and I thought they could help. And then I saw Morgan, and Elle. Greenaway. I don't think you ever met her."

"No, but I've heard about her."

"I even saw myself. It was like I was watching a movie. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was an exact replication of something that really happened."

"The product of an eidetic memory."

"Probably. But then….I thought I saw Garcia, and I followed her into her tech room, but…when she turned around, she was Chief Strauss."

"Wow. Was that the nightmare part?"

"No, she was actually pretty comforting. She was the angel figure, I think."

Emily anticipated the dichotomy. "If Strauss was the angel, I can't even imagine who was the devil."

"Foyet."

Emily's brows went up at the totally unexpected name. "Foyet?"

"I know. I've thought about it, and I think he was just the epitome of evil to me. I mean, I've never been able to find anything in his background to explain his behavior. Nothing to…."

"Nothing to humanize him. I get it. I think he might have hurt us more…the BAU, I mean….than anyone else."

They both knew what she meant. George Foyet's evil machinations had inflicted unthinkable damage upon their unit chief, the man who'd led them, and taught them, and held them together, for better than a decade.

"Exactly. That's the only thing I could come up with. But then….then I saw Maeve."

Emily hadn't been with the team, then. But she'd heard about the woman who'd claimed Spencer Reid's heart, and the tragedy that had ensued. She'd been devastated for him, and for the devastation she'd been sure it had wreaked upon him.

"Was that…"

"It was wonderful. Amazing. Painful. But…..I think it helped me let go."

Emily cast a fond look his way. "You were still holding on to her." A statement, not a question.

"I think I was. Maybe that's why it's been hard for me to get involved with anyone else."

"I thought you'd met someone…"

He went introspective for a long moment, in a way that puzzled her. Emily had no way of knowing the recent complexities in his relationships, but she was seeing the effects of them.

"I did. And before…. I guess I wasn't really open to a relationship, not totally. Not until I made my choice."

"Choice?"

"Maeve posed it as a choice. She said I needed to decide which path to follow, and it was obvious that one path was 'life' and the other 'death'. And…..and I still don't know why, and I'm not even sure I did, but..."

"But you chose life."

"That's the thing, I'm not even sure I did. I mean, maybe. I did feel like I was saying goodbye to Maeve, but, really, all I did was ...was...oh."

"What?"

"My mom. I heard my mom's voice, and I immediately turned around. She was here!"

Emily smiled at the not-quite-recovered memory. "Yes, she was. And she called you back."

His own smile was wry. "I think it was more that I thought she needed me."

"She does, Spencer. For as long as you have her. We all need you."

He heaved a great breath. "Well, I guess you have me."

Something about his tone made her ask.

"Are you not happy about it?"

He looked down, and studied their clasped hands.

"I was happy with Maeve, for that little time we had. But then, she asked me about the things that I love, and I rattled off a whole list to her, right away. Which told me that I still love those things. Maeve has been gone for years, and I still have things in my life that make me happy. People who make me happy. People I love."

Emily squeezed his hand. "Maybe she was telling you that it's okay for you to still be happy without her."

He nodded, slowly. "I think she was. It's funny, I think there's been a part of me that felt like, if I moved on, if I found someone else, or even just entered into some new phase of my life, that it would be disrespectful of her. Like it would mean that she hadn't mattered. But...I feel like she was telling me it would be okay. That I could move on, and still bring my love for her with me."

"She freed you of a burden you've never needed to carry. What a remarkable woman."

Speaking of Maeve as though she was still in the present. Aware that, for Spencer, she was.

"I wish you could have met her."

"Me too."

"You would have loved her, and I think she would have loved you."

"I do love her, because she gave one of my best friends a priceless gift." The freedom to live his life.

"I'm sorry if that didn't happen to you, when you had your experience. I'm sorry if there was no one to encourage you to choose life."

"Hmph. Well, they didn't exactly invite me to do it. I think it's more like I came back to spite them. Whatever works, I'm here, right?"

"I'm glad."

"Me, too." Her phone had vibrated during the exchange, telling her their time together had to end.

"I've got to get back. Meeting with the bigwigs. Seems they're not happy about my latest budget request."

"What did you ask for?"

"A new jet."

"Why do we need a new jet?"