Just wanted to quickly respond to the most frequently asked question I've gotten in the past week. This story was meant to be a oneshot, but I kept getting other ideas. I have two other chapters planned for this story and then I'm planning to move on to a more long-winded one. So be watching for a new story in the near future.

"Voight has a temper, not going to deny that. Whatever happened, you can still come back from this." Jay tried to reassure me although I didn't feel any better because he had no idea what I had done. "Let me help."

"I don't know if you can this time," I said hoarsely, more quietly than I expected it to come out, but I was starting to feel a little helpless. Like I was starting to regret in many ways joining Intelligence. I started off by the books and was slowly derailing myself, day by day. The only bright spot was the team I worked with, and the partner I had.

"Don't go down that road. Don't shut me out." He followed me to the table, hands grasping onto the chair next to mine. His expression was filled with so much worry that I wasn't letting him in. It killed me to not tell him when we already told each other so much. I was like a kid caught with her hand in a cookie jar and now had to explain why it was in there in the first place.

"I think we're way past that." I relented, my anger seemed to die for a moment as I uttered those words. In return, he pulled the chair out and sat down next to me, his expression clearly reading try me and it took several minutes before I could speak again. "For a while, I've been having a hard time coming to terms why so much happens in my life."

"Like what?"

"My childhood mostly. I always fought so hard to not be like my dad. I thought if I taught myself to control my temper, my attitude and have good behavior, I could make something of myself."

"Except you're nothing like him."

"I wish I could say that was true." I took in a deep breath, finally finding courage that whatever happened, he would eventually know the truth. "Admit it. Maybe I controlled my temper, but attitude and good behavior have been on the fritz lately."

"You know, I knew you were holding on to more than you were saying, but I could never get you to open up about it." He confessed, which didn't surprise me. As a team, we were always worried about each other. As partners, that worry always doubled tenfold, even if there was no need to. "I was worried because it wasn't like you to do that. We've always been able to talk about things, even when the other person doesn't want to."

"Yeah, I guess in some ways I've been more than closed off lately."

"Honestly, when you started the 'let's grab a beer and talk thing' I thought it was a little nuts. Then I realized you and I could go back to work the next day as if nothing happened and it was like everything changed for me. Funny that I actually like talking about things now."

"I'm glad to hear that my methods are working." I felt a smirk working its way to my lips and it felt good to smile again, despite my stomach wanting to wrap in knots."You forgot your mention I'm horrible at opening up with people."

"That's understandable given what you've been through, in both your childhood and while you've been a cop. I know you tell me a lot, but I get the feeling you don't tell me everything."

"Yeah." I nodded, taking a small sip of my tea before placing the cup back on the table with a slight clunking noise as ceramic hit wood. "I could say the same for you."

"Start at the beginning?"

"Sean McGrady." I offered, although slightly surprised how quickly those words had tumbled out. I thought I was over it, but that seemed to be when Voight and began really butting heads with each other.

"The cop who you worked with in vice?"

"Despite being lower in rank, he made it his mission to make sure every time I was up for a promotion that I didn't get it." I gave a subtle nod, drawing back to that chilly evening scene when I found McGrady bleeding out in his car with a gunshot wound to his neck and chest. "Still to this day, I don't know why he chose me to find him. He was a good cop, but a lousy man."

"Sometimes we don't know why people make the choices they do, but obviously he saw something in you he didn't see in anyone else."

"I hope wherever he is he knows I took a lot of heat on that one." Shoving my mug away, I felt like my stomach couldn't take any more intake. "McGrady gets off as if nothing happened and Anne will continue to think her husband was shot by someone whose case he was working on. She will never know he cheated on her and gambled his life savings away."

"She has two boys, right?"

"Yeah. Voight wanted to keep it quiet so his family could essentially be provided for. I just talked to her a couple of months ago. She seems to always reach out to me on the anniversary of his death. I try to be there for them, but whenever I see her and the boys, I've been finding it harder to be around her more than I thought it would be."

"Because of the secret you're hiding from her."

"She deserves to know the truth, but at the same time I don't think I can take her hating me again after gaining her trust back"

"Sometimes the truth hurts more than you want it to. Ultimately you have to decide if that secret will hurt her than the one she knows."

"Right, well hopefully that same statement applies to what I'm going to tell you next." I could feel his eyes on me as he tried to read my thoughts but I did my best to keep a blank stare, mostly because I was super nervous with how he would react. "Jay, I'm responsible for the death of Darius Walker." From the corner of my eye, his gaze hardened as he realized I was serious and he definitely deserved more of an explanation than I was giving him. "After Kameron was shot in front of me, I was so angry. He did a lot of things wrong, but he most certainly didn't deserve to be shot in cold blood."

"So you gave up Darius Walker?" Jay raised his eyebrows, deeply surprised at my confession.

"I gave him up to his men," I stated with much conviction, hoping that he would understand my reasoning. "Told them he was working for us and walked away." I swept my fingers lightly against the table, signaling what I had done.

"Even though you knew they were going to kill him? You know what they do to people when they find out they're CI's."

"I do. Kameron was one too. Look what happened to him." I felt my temper flaring, thinking about that moment when I saw the shock on his face before he dropped lifelessly to the ground as a bullet entered his chest. "He's dead because of me. Me! I knew that somewhere in there he was happy to help. Darius knew that too. He had so much power on the streets that with a snap of his finger, he could put a bullet through them: And he did, right in front of me. A cop."

"Just because someone does something we don't like, doesn't mean we go and take their life."

"No? I looked up all the things Voight has done. All the things he's gotten away with since he became a cop. The list is a mile long. I'm not saying what I did was right, but you have to admit that what he's doing and what he holds the people under his roof to do is a double standard. Kameron has a family, Jay. A mother, a father, a brother, a little sister who is getting married next week. You can't hide anything you want either, but that seems to be happening more often than you think it does. You know it does."