Three years later
Reggie pulled up outside the small block of flats and felt uncharacteristically nervous for the first time in a long time. She still lived here. He knew this because he had people watching her and the kid, making sure they were safe from a distance. His son. The son whose name he didn't even know, but he knew that every Tuesday morning his mother took him to feed the ducks, and every Friday afternoon they went to a local church group for mums and small children. He didn't know his son's name, but he knew that he could walk and run, and had hair the same dirty blonde that Reggie himself had once had as a nipper. He didn't know his son's name, but he knew that the little lad loved chasing pigeons and giggling when they flew away in fright. It was strange really; he knew so much about the child he had made yet he also knew nothing at all.
The children playing ball at the end of the street were fascinated and excited to see such an expensive car in their neighbourhood, and they all gathered around touching the shining black vehicle with their dirty hands. Reggie was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't even notice them. His focus was entirely on the stairs that he began to climb hesitantly.
He reached the front door with a swirling number fifteen drawn in white paint and he paused. He lifted his hand to knock and realised it was shaking. He was terrified. He wanted to turn around and clomp back down the stairs; pretend this was all really a dream. But he couldn't. Not when he knew this was his only chance.
Violet Kray was dying. She had weeks, perhaps months at best, left on this earth and day by day her body grew frailer but her mind stayed as sharp as a tack. Reggie and Ronnie, and their older brother, Charlie, were at her bedside as much as physically possible. They never spoke about it, but the air was thick with their pain as they all tried to come to terms with the fact that they would lose the woman they loved the most in the entire world.
"I've had a good life, Reg," she smiled weakly one day, as Reggie sat beside her, clutching her hand and talking about fond childhood memories in the hopes of making her forget about the pain she was in. "You and your brothers made sure of that. Being your mum is the greatest thing I've ever done. I've watched you all grow into fine, young men and I couldn't be prouder."
"Yeah, but what about all the times I've got myself banged up?" Reggie sighed, taking her hand. "You weren't proud then; not when you were crying because I couldn't keep myself out of trouble."
"I may not agree with the lifestyle choices you all make but I'm proud of the way you've handled everything that's ever been thrown at you," she smiled softly, patting his hand over her other one. "There's only one thing that saddens me."
"What's that?"
"I'd have loved a grandchild or two before I left this earth," she sighed wistfully. "I knew it was unlikely I would ever have got one from Ronnie or even Charlie, but when you met Y/N, I expected you would marry that girl and have a child or two."
"Mum," he sighed.
"I know," she nodded. "It's none of my business what happened with you two, but I know that you miss her. I see it in your face, Reg."
"Mum, there's something I need to tell you."
He hadn't of course told his mother about the full truth regarding the situation. He neglected to tell her about the horrid things he had said and the disgusting way in which he had cast out the woman he loved. There was no chance his mother could have said she was proud of him then, and as pathetic as it was, he wanted to stay in her good graces. He couldn't bare for her to think of her loving son as a cold, horrid monster like everyone else saw him as.
Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door and waited. Inside, he could hear quick footsteps followed by much slower and softer ones, and he could hear quiet murmuring and the sound of a small child crying. The door swung open and he almost sank to his knees when his eyes fell upon the face he hadn't seen in three years.
Reggie looked at Y/N and immediately wanted to reach out a hand to touch her and make sure she was real. This vision that had haunted his mind was finally before him and it felt surreal. He was entranced by her. She was more beautiful than he even remembered. She looked older but not in a bad way. She looked more like a woman than the girl he had last seen. Her eyes were cold as they regarded him warily and he knew it shouldn't have hurt but it did. Perhaps a naive part of him had expected she would see him and fall into his arms as though nothing had ever happened, but in her eyes he could see those words he had spoken as though they were written there.
"Mummy?" the little boy beside her frowned at the tense silence between his mother and the stranger.
"Why don't you go and get a biscuit out of the cupboard, sweetheart," Y/N suggested.
The fair haired, chubby toddler looked between his mother and Reggie once before hurrying off to the kitchen in search of his favourite treats. Y/N watched him go and once he had disappeared into the other room she turned back to Reggie.
"What do you want?" she asked coldly.
Reggie said nothing. He just stood there like a gormless plonker, opening and closing his mouth as though he was catching flies. His gaze just lingered over every part of her. She had changed and yet remained completely the same.
"I asked you a question, Reggie," she said, though with a little less venom. "Why are you here?"
"To see you," he answered simply. "To meet my son."
"You've got some fucking nerve, don't you think?" she scoffed. "He's been alive for almost three years and you haven't ever even acknowledged him, so what makes you think you can just come by and interrupt our lives now? Do you have any idea about the hell I've been through trying to raise him on my own and keep a decent name for myself? No, of course you don't because you shoved money at me like I was nothing but a cheap whore and then sent me packing."
"I'm sorry," he murmured.
"Oh well that makes it so much better, doesn't it?" she said sarcastically.
"Y/N," Reggie sighed. "Please."
"Please what?" her nostrils flared with anger and her bottom lip trembled. "You come here and just expect me to forget what you said to me? You expect me to forget the way you looked at me like I meant nothing to you? Like what we had meant nothing?"
"Mum's dying."
Y/N held her breath. How had she not seen it? That lacklustre dullness in his usually twinkling eyes? The way his shoulders slumped and he held himself with less of his confident sureness?
"She's dying and she wants to meet her grandson," he said. "Please help me."
Y/N sighed and chewed her lip. She wasn't a monster, but could she really allow him into their lives just like that? The look on his face broke her and she couldn't help herself.
"You better come in then."
Nodding, Reggie put his hands in his pockets and stepped across the threshold. The flat was small and somewhat sparse, but it was tidy and had a homely feel to it. There were fresh daffodils in the kitchen window and the living room was littered with all sorts of toys.
"Do you want a drink?" Y/N asked politely.
"Tea please," Reggie answered, following her into the kitchen and pulling up a seat at the small table.
Y/N bustled about, boiling the water and wrestling the biscuit tin from her son's hands as he tried to sneak out another biscuit. The little boy stamped his foot and frowned, and for a split second Reggie thought he was seeing his twin as a child again. It was eerily uncanny.
"I call that his Ronnie face," Y/N echoed his thoughts, closing the cupboard door and scooping the little boy up onto her hip.
Reggie didn't know what to say. This all felt so unreal and as though he was in a haze.
"When he laughs, he looks just like you," Y/N said quietly. She was facing away from him and making the tea with one hand while the little boy chewed the remnants of his final soggy biscuit. "He's got that same cheeky grin."
She set a cup of tea down in front of him and then set her own down, before sitting down opposite him and settling the little boy on her lap.
"Two sugars and a drop of milk," she commented, nodding to the tea cup in his hands.
"Thanks," he nodded, lifting it to his lips. He tried not to smile; tried not to read too much into the fact that she remembered how he took his tea.
Instead, he focused on watching as the little boy, his son, grinned when he saw his mother blow on her own tea and lift it to his lips to allow him a little taste. He beamed happily and smacked his lips together.
"No, let Mummy drink some now," Y/N smiled patiently. "You can have some when it's a bit cooler."
"But I want it," he frowned.
"In a minute," Y/N answered a little more firmly. "Right now, I think it's time I introduce you to someone."
The little boy's head shot up to look straight at Reggie and then he buried his head into his mother's neck, using her hair to cover his face.
"That man there across the table is your Daddy," she untangled his hands from her hair and peered lovingly into his little face. "He's called Reggie just like you and he's come to see you."
"My Daddy?"
"Yes darling," Y/N nodded, a tear dripping on her cheek.
"Why you sad, Mummy?" little Reggie wiped it away gently.
"I'm not sad, my darling," she assured him, patting his hand as it lingered on her face. "Do you want to go and say hello to your Daddy?"
Little Reggie chewed the inside of his cheek as he thought about it for a moment. The hesitation and indecision on his infant face was evident, but he surprised both of his parents when he climbed down from his mother's knee and walked slowly towards Reggie without any further prompting.
"My name is Reggie," he smiled. "And my Mummy says your name is Reggie too."
"That's right, little fella," the older Reggie nodded.
"And you're my Daddy?" little Reggie tilted his head to the side.
"I am, yeah."
"Do you like choo choo trains?"
"Uh yeah."
"Do you want to come and see my green train?"
Reggie looked to Y/N for permission and when she nodded, he reached out and held his son's hand for the first time. He could have cried as the little boy's fingers wrapped around his own and he led him into the living room. How had he lived these last three years without his little boy when he knew irrevocably that he could never live a day without him ever again for the rest of his life now?
…
The car ride was fraught with tension and if it hadn't have been for little Reggie's incessant excited babbling, it would have been truly tortuous. As it went, the little lad was so excited to have his first ride in a car that even his own mother found it difficult to look too unhappy about being there in the first place.
Reggie couldn't believe she had agreed to come. Every so often he glanced at her to find her position mostly unchanged since having first set foot in the car only an hour ago. They still had another two hours to go and as the midday sun began it's very slow decent into evening, little Reggie began to whine and fuss for his afternoon nap.
"Come on sweetheart," Y/N spoke softly, stroking the little boy's head tenderly. "Close your eyes and we'll be there soon."
"I'm not tired, Mummy," he protested.
"Yes you are," she smiled. "I know you're tired because Mummy knows everything. If you close your eyes and go to sleep, when you wake up we'll be there."
"And if you go to sleep like a good lad then I promise to take you up to the ice cream shop later for an ice cream that's bigger than your head," Reggie grinned, looking over at the son who was his spitting image. "If it's alright with your Mum, like?"
"We'll see," was her answer.
"No Mummy," little Reggie pouted. "I want ice cream now."
"Later, my love," she hushed him. "You sleep and I'll let you go for ice cream later."
That seemed enough to placate the small child, and within just a few moments his tiredness had overwhelmed him along with the gentle motion of the car, and he was fast asleep.
The car drive continued in silence, aside from the sound of gentle snoring and the hum of the car engine, and after half an hour, Reggie couldn't stand any more of it.
"Look, I just want you to know I really appreciate you doing this," he said. "It's gonna mean the world to Mum, and well, it means everything to me as well."
"I'm not doing it for you," she answered. "I'm doing it for your Mum, and I'm doing it for little Reg. What kind of a mother would I be if I didn't give him the opportunity to at least know his father when he finally came knocking?"
Reggie couldn't answer, because truthfully he didn't think that if their roles were reversed he would have been anywhere near as accommodating as she had been. She had welcomed him into her home and allowed him to get to know his son for a few hours, before agreeing to return back to London and stay there for a few weeks so his mother could spend time with her one and only grandchild. She could have said no, could have said she couldn't get the time off of work, but she hadn't. She had phoned her employer and explained that there was a family emergency and then she had packed her and little Reggie each a small bag for the trip.
If their roles were reversed, Reggie would have shouted and screamed and put his foot down. He would have demanded to know who the fuck she thought she was coming into their lives and asking for favours. But she didn't do any of that. Of course she didn't. That wasn't in her nature; it never had been. She had every right to be bitter and hurt, which it was clear she was, but aside from the one angry moment at the front door, she hadn't so much as raised her voice since.
"I am sorry, you know," he spoke, glad that his eyes were focussed on the road ahead of him so that he wouldn't have to see the hurt on her face.
"You've said," was all she replied with. Immediately, she felt bad. The man's mother was dying for crying out loud.
She knew how it felt to lose both of your parents. While hers were alive and well, they were dead to her. They had made that perfectly clear over the past few years when she had tried to reach out to them. Letters returned unopened; phone calls abruptly ended when they heard her voice. She had cried herself to sleep countless times and then one day she had just accepted the fact that she would never see them again. She had her son and he was all she needed.
Only now, she wasn't so sure.
"Look Reggie," she said, her breath taken away as she looked at his glorious profile in the sunlight. "I'd be lying if I said I'm not hurting because I am, but right now you need your family and little Reg is your family. And so am I."