*I do not own Supernatural*
PART 1
It was dark out, I was lonely. I couldn't really see straight. My apartment felt so loud, so isolated, even though it wasn't far from the bunker. The windows were open, the sounds of the evening kept me company as I watched the wind move the curtains. I could see the stars painting the night sky, and I was reminded of all the marvels that I'd seen over the years when I traveled with the Winchesters. You don't just move on from the Winchester men. I was no different, I guess. Once you've been introduced to them, to what they do, you don't just bounce back to your previous life. You adapt to your new life because they leave an impact that it's impossible to just shake off.
I took a sip of some whiskey, nursed my sore shoulder. I could feel the bruises beneath my fingertips as I ran them along my soft skin. The candlelight left much to the imagination, but I could still see the outline of fresh stitches as I glanced at the decorative mirror hanging above my bookshelf. I hurt, but I usually did after a hunt. There was no way around it.
The rustle of air behind me had me sighing heavily, "Nice to see you again, Cas."
"You're hurt."
"I am," I said as I turned to face an old friend. He didn't stop by often, but when he did, he always made sure to let me know that he still cared about me. It was a nice, small connection to my old life. I coveted these moments. I yearned for them during the in-between. I hated Dean for leaving me to seek out these crumbs of humility. Cas watched me silently, reached for my forehead to heal me. I shrugged him off, settling my drink against my chest in an attempt to ward him off. He frowned intensely.
"Don't be stubborn, Marren. Let me help you."
"I can't," I whispered.
He stepped closer to me, and I hated how sad he looked.
"I missed you, Cas. What took you so long to visit?"
He knew that I was changing the subject but he let me, and I appreciated it down to my core. I'd had too much to drink, was far too blue to fight him if he really wanted to help me. I just hated accepting the help anymore. I didn't feel like family anymore.
"I have been traveling. Looking for something. I need your help." I blinked. He needed my help this time? What? Cas didn't come to me for help. This wasn't normal. This wasn't good. I could feel it in my bones. He was about to drop some bad news on me and there was nothing I could say to stop him.
"It's Dean..."
I waited.
"He's injured. I need your help. Sam needs you. Marren, you're the only one that can save him."
I felt my head tilt to the side, because that meant that Rowena was out. They couldn't find an answer on their own. Cas came to me, which meant that this case was situation specific. A ball formed in my gut, it felt like a flock of birds were flapping around in my belly.
"What happened, Cas?"
He shifted uncomfortably on his feet before he looked me in my eye. "Marren, Dean was hit with a nasty curse. He- We haven't been able to find a way out of it. He's suffering."
"Good," I heard myself whisper.
"I know he hurt you, and so does he. He can't fix it if you won't let him Marren, for me, I'm begging you. Come with me. You're the only one that can help him," Castiel begged.
His blue eyes were intense, hot on me like coals across my skin, and fuck but it stung. He was asking me to do the one thing I told myself I wouldn't do, and I knew that I wasn't going to turn him down. He knew it, too. He knew I was going to go with him. I could see it on his face.
"On a scale of one to apocalypse, how big is this problem?"
I could see embarrassment flicker across his face and he was back to shifting on his feet uncomfortably, and I narrowed my eyes at him. "Tell me the truth right now, Castiel. Is this an end of the world situation?"
"No, it's an end of Dean situation. Trust me when I tell you that it is dire, it is scary, and we have tried everything else. Until Rowena can find a cure, you are the closest thing to it. Please, Marren. Allow me to take you to him. The worst case scenario in this situation is that he dies."
Dies.
It sounded so final, so very scary, so very important. I had a hard time swallowing the rest of my whiskey as I mulled it over, because I knew that as soon as he took my hand and led me home, that I was going to want to stay there. I wasn't going to want to leave and I couldn't stay, so what was I supposed to do? I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I sucked in a ragged breath.
"This is cruel, Castiel." His gaze on me softened and he slowly removed the glass from my hands and shook his head at me.
"I am not meaning to be cruel, and I apologize in advance, because the situation is only going to get worse when we return to the bunker."
I motioned towards the zip-up hoodie on the back of my couch and asked him to hand it to me. He did as he set my drink down on top of my bookshelf. I wrapped the hoodie around me and held my hand out.
"If this is going to hurt, then I would rather get it over with."
He looked at me, sadness flooding his features, and I swallowed mine.
"I'm sorry, Marren."
"Both of us are, Cas."
The bunker looked the same. I had no idea where Sam or Dean were, but Castiel looked like he was waiting to lead me to them. I had my hands tucked into my sweater as I followed closely behind him. His footsteps were steady, sure, like he was on a mission. It was then that I knew he hadn't been completely truthful with me.
"They don't know I'm here," I whispered.
"They do not," He answered.
I stopped, turned to leave, but he caught me. His eyes burned into mine when he slowly shook his head.
"Please. Let me show you what I mean."
How the hell was I supposed to turn him away? I let my arm drop to my side as I gestured for him to continue taking me to the library. That's where we were headed, anyways. I knew the bunker like the back of my hand. Passed by my old bedroom, too. They stung, the memories, as they tried to follow me. I pushed them all away and focused on the present.
"Cas? What are you doing?"
I heard his voice for the first time in months and it hit me in the chest like a ton of bricks and I hated it. I hurt, I felt it would split me apart if I didn't turn to run. I could hear Sam speaking softly.
"I am here to help," He said as he pulled me into the room behind him. I kept my spine straight as I clenched my teeth. I refused to look at Dean, instead choosing to focus on Sa and his surprised expression.
"You got her to come," Sam said as he smiled at me.
"I did."
"How did he get you to come?" Sam asked this as he came to hug me. I accepted it, pulling away gingerly so as not to upset my stitches. They tugged, making me wince. He seemed to notice, but he didn't comment. The look on his face also told me I was missing something, but I had no idea what it could be.
"Damn it Cas, I told you not to involve her."
The anger in Dean's voice wasn't lost on me, and that's when I decided to face him. The sight of him shocked me. Dean didn't look like Dean. He was skinny, too skinny, and pale. He looked tired, sick, exhausted. My fingers itched to reach for him, like they always did, and I had to count back how many months it'd been since I last saw him in that bar. Four months. Not long enough for him to look like this.
His green eyes were blazing with too many emotions for me to count, and I had no idea what I was supposed to do or say.
"Nice to see you, too."
His eyebrows hit his hairline as my haughty tone, and I secretly reveled in it. I'd been so afraid that I would crumble in his presence that I forgot how strong I had to be to move on from a man like that. You don't just move on from Dean Winchester, you survive him.
He looked at Cas and Sam beyond my shoulder and it took everything in me to remind him that I was brought here to help him, not the other way around. I was living my life just fine without a word from Dean.
"You need her. You know it. You're wasting away without her, and there is nothing anyone else can do to help you through this right now. We have to do whatever we need to, to help you. Let her help you," Cas said heatedly.
Dean looked at me, and that's when I began to realize that I was really missing something. Something wasn't right. Why would they need me? Why would they need someone who hasn't been around for months to solve a problem that had Dean literally wasting away?...
"What the hell is going on here? Somebody better start talking or I'm out of here."
Sam looked at me desperately, motioning for Dean to say something, anything, but the stubborn set of his jaw told me that I was wasting my damn time. Again. For him. I wasn't willing to waste another minute here with someone who so clearly didn't care about me at all.
"Okay, I'm out. Best of luck to you, I hope you find someone else who can help-"
Cas grabbed my arm and Sam shouted, "It's a love spell. A curse. Dean needs you here to keep himself steady, or he's going to die!"
Love spell.
Is that a sick fuking joke?
My eyes narrowed in on Dean, who was watching me with wide eyes, his hands clenched at his sides. As I watched him closer I could see that he was leaning towards me, like he couldn't quite stop himself. Like he wanted to reach out and touch me. But, it wasn't real.
Nothing that would come of our interactions from now on, would be real. I couldn't handle it. This was some kind of sick karma for something I'd done previously in my life. I knew it. I could feel it. Why else would the man I'm madly in love with be cursed to love me back?
"This is a joke. This is a sick fucking joke, and I'm so not sticking around for this," I snapped. I felt the tears again, right there on the cusp of falling, but I held steady. Only a few more minutes and I could escape...
"Please...don't go! Fuck, Marren I know this is messed up, but it ain't a joke. Trust me, I may be a son of a bitch, but I would never do that to you."
Dean's voice filled my ears, filled my head, but they didn't settle right. My chest felt tight and I couldn't catch my breath. Someone in the universe hated me, they had to. I'd waited months for this man to love me back, to call me, to tell me that I wasn't fucking crazy for lovng him to begin with.
And, now, here he was, begging me to help him, hear him out...
"What do you need from me, exactly?"
"Everything," He whispered.
I was shook by what he said, how he said it, the way he was watching. I saw Sam and Cas start to leave the room out of the corner of my eye, and I knew then that it was time for us to find some kind of resolution. If we could, that is.
His green eyes, bloodshot and hazy, landed on me and I felt it all the way to my toes. I wanted to touch him, taste him, fuck him, but I wouldn't allow my mind to wade in such deep waters. There was no way. I wanted to tell him to fuck off, I wanted to leave, I wanted to crawl into bed with him. My pride was threatening to rip me apart if I didn't leave right that second, and I could tell he sensed it.
"I know you wanna run, Marren. I know you're good at it. I can see that you're still hurt, I know I fucked everything up, but for the love of God, can I please hold your hand?," He pleaded. The request surprised the hell out of me, but I still held my hand out. Shakily, he reached for me. He brought me closer to him, dipped his head and inhaled deeply. His eyes fluttered closed and I watched, bewitched, as the paleness of his skin slowly started to lessen.
"This feels so good," He said roughly.
I could feel the stiffness of my body against the warmth of his. He lifted my hand a little higher, kissed the back of it. He wrapped his other hand around my waist, pulling me further into the circle of his arms.
"Relax, just a little. I'm not going to force you into anything. I just need to feel you. I hate that it took this to get you here, but I'm not sorry to see you."
He pulled back enough for me to look at him closely.
"It's the magic talking. You don't really want to be around me, Dean. We both know the truth."
He winced, shook his head, dropped his hands from my body. He was looking better already, with a fresh blush on his cheeks. He opened his mouth to speak but instead he motioned towards his bedroom. "Can we please go to my room so we can talk in private?"
I only followed behind him silently as he led me into the room where we had our first kiss, made love, whispered sweet nothings to the soft sounds of Chris Cornell. I couldn't stand the fact that I was here under these circumstances and it ate at me that I hadn't heard from him before this. I wanted to ask him why he'd pushed me away, why he'd told me he could never love me, why he'd told me that what we'd shared was a mistake...but I didn't.
I stood near the edge of his desk, looking at the pictures lining the top of it. I was surprised as hell when I saw a tiny picture of myself sticking out of a CD case, like he was hiding it. The edges were worn and wrinkled, like he'd handled it often. I lifted it from the case and turned it over, even more surprised when I saw that it was a candid photo that I didn't remember taking.
"Sam and I were on a hunt, a shapeshifter. Things went sideways. We followed a lead and it led us to a witch, and needless to say, she wasn't too happy to have the Winchester's on her ass. She cursed me. We didn't realize just how she'd cursed me until a couple of weeks ago," Dean said from behind me. I tossed the picture of me smiling back down onto the desk and turned to face him. He was watching me so intently that it was hard for me to breathe, but I sucked in a breath and crossed my arms across my chest anyways.
"You don't have to do that, Mare."
"What?"
"Shut me out. I know you aren't here because you wanna be. You're here because you feel obligated to, but that shit isn't necessary." I caught sight of myself in a small mirror over the sink in the corner of the room. My hair was short, a pixie cut. Blonde. My tattoos were visible over under the collar of my tank top, and I hurriedly looked away because being here reminded me of the fact that I wasn't the kind of woman that Dean desired. I never was.
"You and Sam saved my life. I'm here because Cas asked me to come, and he's my family." The slight wasn't lost on Dean; I could see the pain from my jab on his face.
"We used to be your family."
"You used to be, yeah."
He stepped closer to me and ran his hands down his face. "She cursed me to need the one thing I've always wanted but could never have. She cursed me to need it until it drove me crazy, and that unless I get it, I'm going to waste away. Rowena is working on a cure because the witch is MIA."
I blinked.
"If that's the curse, then why the hell am I here?"
My expression must have been more than confused because he looked up at me, raw, emotional, and shrugged. "I've needed you ever since we saved you from that werewolf, Marren."