Genma was a good ninja. Nay, he was a great one. Even as a young genin, his superiors would sing his praises, letting everyone know just how useful the senbon user was during a mission. He was absolutely lethal in close combat, devastating during large scale attacks, and his years of being an ANBU guard for the Hokage made him particularly brilliant at stealth and reconnaissance. He was near impossible to sneak up on, a fact that gave his teammates many nights of ease while on missions. That being said, this particular night he was awoken to the sound of soft whispering, "Hey, Oral Fixation. Wake up."

In a flash of speed that his previous Hokage would have been quite proud of, he withdrew a senbon from underneath his pillow and positioned it at the neck of his would-be attacker. A soft squeal, sounding both far too young and inexperienced to be an assassin, stopped his actions, "Fucking hell man, you're even kinky enough to keep weaponry in your actual bed?!"

Genma groaned, his eyes finally clearing from the fogginess of sleep, his hand slipping from its lethal position poised at the young girls throat. Rubbing his eyes and sitting up properly, he was able to see the countenance of an annoyingly calm Naruto, her arms crossed and brow raised in indignation.

Genma blinked.

Nope, she was still there. A ten year old girl, her long blond hair finally down from those ridiculous pigtails, and draped in what Genma thought was a ramen onesie. A child. A child who had broken into his home.

"How-" he coughed, clearing up his throat from the tendrils of exhaustion, "-the fuck did you get into my apartment?"

What he should have asked, he reflected, was how the hell she managed to sneak up on him. Him; a war veteran and special jonin. She; an orphaned child still in the academy. Whatever, the first matter that had to be cleared up was how the fuck she managed to get passed his seals.

Naruto, at the very least, had the audacity of looking sheepish. Scratching the back of her head nervously, a habit she fell back on quite often Genma had come to realize, she answered, "I sort of climbed through your window. Did you know your living room window is positioned directly above mine?"

Genma blinked. He did not, in fact, know that. Nor was he comforted by the thought that his young neighbor actually did. He took a glance towards his previously shut bedroom door, now opened a fraction. He took a glance towards the grinning child. "What the fuck Naruto?"

Naruto tilted her head in confusion, "What do you mean?"

Breathe Genma, he forced himself to remember, she's just a child with astonishingly low social awareness. Take this one question at a time.

"Naruto, how exactly did you manage to climb through my window?"

Naruto frowned, as if completely confused by his utter stupidity, "I climbed. Didn't I just say that?"

She was too young to know how to walk on walls, and her massive amount of chakra must make it quite hard for her to have even a basic grasp of chakra control at this point in time. So how would she be able to-

Genma took in a sharp breath, "Naruto, are you saying that you physically climbed out of your window, scaled the ledge, and then hoisted yourself up to my floor with only a precarious windowsill and a few jutted out rocks in the wall as footholds?"

Naruto nodded, "That's what I just said, you idiot. Does sleep damage your hearing or something?"

Fucking hell. No. No no no no. There was no fucking way he was going to give that terrifying idea any more thought than necessary. No.

"Naruto," Genma ran a hand down his face, "What are you doing in my apartment in the middle of the night?"

Naruto suddenly grinned, thrusting her had out to give him a book. Huh. Genma didn't notice her carrying anything before, "Wait- you scaled my wall, which is on the fifth story in case you forgot, with one hand carrying a book?"

Naruto looked affronted as she replied, "No! Of course not! I'm not an idiot!"

Genma breathed a sigh of relief. I mean, he would definitely disagree with Naruto's last statement, but she did somehow survive her daring feat. And really, Genma wasn't exactly in a position to lecture the girl. That would implied that he cared about her well being. And he didn't. No matter how much like Hokage-sama she looked like.

"Then how?"

"I carried it in my mouth."

"… in your mouth?"

"Yes."

"With your teeth."

"Obviously."

"You carried a book in your mouth while you scaled my wall, dangling from the ledge long enough to open my window, and hoisted yourself into my apartment."

"Have you taken a blow to the head or something? I'm not too keen on repeating myself every five minutes."

Genma groaned, "And giving me this book couldn't have waited until a decent hour?"

Naruto sweatdropped, "Well, I sort of just finished reading it, so I may have gotten a tad too excited to talk to you about it."

"… in other words you broke into a special jonins apartment in the middle of the night… to talk to me about a book."

Naruto nodded seriously, apparently sticking true to her conviction, "Yes."

"And you found absolutely nothing wrong with this idea?"

"Not really, no."

"Not even the fact that I could have easily killed you just then?"

Naruto scoffed, "Oh please, not even you're stupid enough to accidentally kill an Academy student just for startling you."

Genma was going to politely ignore that obvious slight against his character, instead focusing on the much more important fact that this night revealed, "And do you perchance want to explain how you managed to sneak up on me?"

The Uzumaki brat scrunched up her nose, "Don't blame me for being a deep sleeper, Oral Fixation."

"But I'm not."

"What?"

"I'm not a deep sleeper."

Naruto rolled her eyes, "It looks like you are."

Genma paused, "Naruto, do you do this often?"

"Do what often?"

"This," Genma gestured, "Break into other peoples apartments."

The Uzumaki chuckled, shuffling her feet awkwardly, "Well, I wouldn't say I do it often…"

"How many times?"

"How many times I have broken into other peoples places?"

"Yes you daft child. How. Many. Times?"

"Well… a few."

"Naruto."

"Okay okay, sheesh no need to go all growly on me. Let's see, I've entered Iruka's apartment a few times to set up some pranks. I break into the academy on an almost weekly basis, also to set up a few pranks. Let's see… I've also set up pranks in the Hokage tower, the ANBU headquarters and a few stores that have wronged me in some way. Does that answer your question?"

No. No that does not fucking answer his question, in fact all that did was give Genma even more questions. No. He is not going to get sucked into this little girls brand of crazy. No. Time to switch topics.

"What's the book?"

Naruto grinned, passing the worn green cover that he knew quite well, "It was amazing. The main character even had the same name as me! Of course, he was a boy, but still it was super cool! He was powerful, and honest, and brave, and amazing, and I want to be just like him!"

Genma, despite himself, let out a small smile, "I'd know you'd like this book."

Naruto nodded vigorously, "Of course at first I was a bit skeptical since it's written by the same author as Icha Icha, so I was surprised when there was no porn in it at all!"

Genma chocked, "Wh-what?! Naruto did you really think I was going to give you a book like Icha Icha?"

Naruto frowned, "Well, yeah. Why wouldn't you? You know I'm a fan, and you obviously have a lot of sexual kinks, so I assume you're a fan as well."

Genma groaned. He really did curse the day this child moved in, "Naruto. Get out of my apartment."

Naruto smiled, "Okay, see you later Oral Fixation!"

"And take the book with you!" He called out, tossing the novel towards the blond as she made her way to his door.

She halted her steps, a look of wonder crossing her features, "But this is your book…"

"It's called a gift, Naruto. Take it."

"I— a gift? For me?"

The jonin rolled his eyes, "You obviously love the book, and all it does is gather dust on my bookshelf. You may as well enjoy it. Consider it a bribe to stop breaking into my apartment."

"I'll cherish it forever!" Naruto cried. With a jump, she leapt onto his bed to give the man a great hug.

"Naruto," Genma spoke through clenched teeth, "Get. Off. Me."

Naruto laughed nervously, "Right, you hate kids. I forgot."

With a sigh, he begged, "Just get out and let me sleep, okay?"

"Bye Oral Fixation! I won't forget this!"

That's it. First thing tomorrow, Genma was buying locks for his windows.

Genma groaned as his teammates laughed in tangent. Slamming his head onto the bar counter, he pondered just what cruel action he had done in the past to deserve friends like these.

"Come on Genma, that is not a youthful outlook! Surely there must be some positive?" Gai practically cried between his bouts of laughter.

Ebisu made no attempt to disguise his amusement, his snorts obnoxious enough to make the senbon wielded contemplate murder, "Yeah Genma, surely there's some positive."

Genma felt his eye twitching at the obvious mocking tone, "No, there is absolutely no positives! She's annoying, and she's bratty, and she broke into my fucking apartment!"

"About that— how exactly did a child manage to break into your apartment? Don't you have seals on the door?" Ebisu questioned, ever the realist.

"She came in through the window," Genma admitted with a sigh, watching with a scowl as his two friends began laughing once more.

Gai was the first to stop, realizing the implications behind such a statement, "Wait. This child scaled the wall and climbed through your window, all while being quite enough to not disturb your sleep?"

"Yup."

Silence.

"What the fuck?" Ebisu exclaimed, his level of inebriation and comfort with old friends loosening his tongue, "She's an untrained child, how—?"

"Apparently," Genma rolled his eyes, "She trained herself in stealth by setting up pranks across the village. All while wearing the most obnoxious shade of neon orange my eyes had ever had the misfortune of being assaulted by."

"Huh," Gai frowned, "She would make quite the ninja."

Genma groaned, "Oh please don't remind me. I don't even want to contemplate what an utter pain this child will be with actual ninja training."

This prompted yet another round of laughter. Really, Genma needed better friends.

Just as the man was about to order another round of drinks, he was interrupted by an unfortunately familiar young voice, "Hey Oral Fixation! Fancy seeing you here!"

Genma slammed his head on the bar counter once more. Hopefully the trauma would make this hallucination go away. However it seemed as though luck was not on his side, for she quickly exclaimed, "Hah! I knew you have been suffering some sort of head trauma lately! And here I thought it was through some weird kinky sex play with one of your overnight visitors."

Gai and Ebisu, not quite believing their ears, delved into another round of hysterical laughter. Naruto, with a frown on her face and a brow tilted in confusion, stepped away from the strange men, "Oy, Oral Fixation. Your friends are really weird. I've seen the one with glasses chase a little boy around the village, which is both illegal and just plain sick, and the green one keeps harassing the Dog ANBU. Are they latent homosexuals, or just plain pedophiles?"

The laughter stopped. This time, it was Genma who cracked an amused smile. Huh. The girl was actually pretty funny when her anecdotes weren't directed at him. As if she lived to contradict him, which as this point he was fairly certain she did, she continued, "Anyways, I wouldn't recommend you sleeping with either of them. The green one seems pretty loud, and as your neighbor I must say I wouldn't want to be subjected to that type of noise, while the glasses guy seems even kinkier than you. Which frankly, I didn't even think was possible."

Yup. It really was too good to be true. The girl never did know when to shut up. With a sigh, he spoke, "Naruto, what are you even doing here? This is a ninja bar, meant for ninja adults, as in you're not even allowed to step foot in here. So how the hell did you manage to bypass security?"

Naruto tilted her head in confusion, "I came through the back door, duh."

Genma blinked, "Naruto, there is no back door."

"Yeah, there is. I come through it all the time. It's behind the counter, down the hall to the right. Granted, it opens into the Red Light District, but the alley the door is in is Aiko's usual haunt. Aiko never has customers to pleasure during this time, but she's a huge fan of pocky. As long as I make sure to bring her a box when I come through, she lets me do as I please."

No. He will not process this. No. Naruto does not have friends who are prostitutes. No.

"And why exactly do you frequent a ninja bar of all places?"

With this Naruto grinned dangerously, a look Genma had come to associate with her evil pranks, "Easy. Iruka-sensei likes to come here after the academy lets out. He makes the mistake of letting his guard down around so many colleagues. It's honestly the perfect time to strike."

That poor son of a bitch. Genma did not know Iruka well, but suddenly he felt a kinship with the man that could only come from prolonged exposure to a little blond terror.

"Well, that explains it. As you were," Genma dismissed.

Naruto saluted goodbye, before disappearing into the crowd. Five minutes later, when a flummoxed young chunin who had been painted purple began searching for a viable culprit, Genma could only whistle in faux innocence as he claimed to not have seen anything suspicious. Even he wasn't idiotic enough to rat Naruto out and earn her ire; she had already proved herself capable enough to break into his apartment, he didn't want to know what else she could do with the proper motivation.

"That girl," Ebisu gulped, "Is an absolute menace."

Gai nodded, "While quite youthful, she is a tad terrifying."

Genma could only moan. He would contemplate moving, but something tells him that now that Naruto already sees him as a friend, there was no getting rid of her.

Genma withheld the urge to scream as he banged on his neighbors door. He had been entertaining a young female guest, when the sound of loud screeching interrupted them and sent the girl running.

"Naruto! Open up!"

"Yeah yeah yeah, I'm coming! Hold on to your senbon you freak!" She cried as she trudged herself over to open the door. Genma was greeted by the sight of his little neighbor, her usual jumpsuit covered by an oversized leather apron, industrial made gloves fashioned onto her hands.

Genma felt his eye twitch, "Naruto. We've talked about this. What did I say about making a large racket past 6 pm?"

Naruto shuffled guiltily, "Not to?"

"Exactly," Genma gritted out, "And what time is it now?"

"Uhh… sometime past 8?" She chuckled nervously.

"Yes, exactly. So, do you want to tell me why you decided to make such a large amount of noise this late at night?"

It was a trick question. A set up. Naruto knew this. But she also knew that it wasn't her fault, so she hurriedly sought to clear the air, "But it wasn't me! It was the ostriches!"

Silence.

"The ostriches?"

"Yes."

"I'm almost afraid to ask, but unfortunately I must: what ostriches?"

Naruto cracked open the door wider, gesturing into her apartment, "Those ostriches."

Genma peeked through, and to his ire saw a large cage in the middle of an empty room, with two large ostriches resting comfortably inside.

"Naruto?"

"Yes?"

"Do you not see anything wrong with holding two ostriches captive in your apartment?"

"Not really, no."

"And why not?"

"Well for starters, they're both male."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Since they're both male, it means I'm not breeding them for eggs. It's illegal to do so in Konoha, but there's a pretty high black market price tag on a large ostrich egg."

Genma did not know that. In fact, Genma did not want to know that. He could have easily lived happily for the rest of his life without knowing that fact, nor contemplating just how exactly a ten year old managed to learn this fact.

"If you're not planning on breeding them, then why do you have them?"

"For a prank."

"A prank?"

"Yes."

Genma sighed, "Do I even want to know?"

Naruto seemed to contemplate that for a few moments, before shaking her head, "Probably not. Plausible deniability and all that."

Genma nodded, "Fair enough. Now, next time you decide to host wild animals in your apartment, either make sure they're gone before 6, or put a damn muzzle on them. Got that?"

Naruto grinned, sending a double thumbs up, "You got it!"

"Good. Now I'm going to go and purge this entire interaction from my memory. Have a nice night, Naru-chan."

"Night, Oral Fixation!"