Disclaimer: I unfortunately don't own Grey's Anatomy. If I did Alex Karev would still be happily married to Jo :)

Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward.

- Henry Ford

Breathe Again

ii. Ghost Of You

720 words and 3,605 characters . That was how long the letter the flipped her life upside down was . her dark orbs had skipped through it for what must have been dozens of times over the first few days , now it sat on top of her dresser taunting her when she sauntered over in the mornings to pull a fresh set of jeans out of the refurnished oak .

The neatly made up bed also played a part of the war waging in her mind and it also didn't do her back any favors either . The couch was not her friend , neither was the toothbrush that never failed to set a fire behind her eyes . She'd taken a few days off work , to process , to grieve , to be angry , and try to figure out her crap . Half her time was spent bundling herself up on the couch that had followed her through many tough times , bought with the money Alex owed her from a lost bet . The other half was spent toying with the wedding and engagement bands occupying her left ring finger , pushing down each and every one of the pictures that stood tall on the television stand , and even making friends with the toilet bowel - - missing Alex had hit an all time high when it started to put a physical strain on her body.

She'd just finished a pickle and ham sandwich - - a combination that was weirdly good and really strange seeing as she used to hate pickles , they had been stuffed in the back of the refrigerator for Alex , when a knock interrupted the sound of the friends theme song galloping through the otherwise quiet loft .

She stood , abandoning the cocoon she'd made for herself on the couch and making a bee line for the door . She no longer got her hopes up that the person behind the door would be a male pediatric surgeon , It couldn't be Link either - - his surgery got pushed back and he was stuck at Grey Sloan doing a bone marrow transplant , and she'd told Stephanie not to come back to Seattle until she could look at Alex's toothbrush without crying . So who could it possibly be ? She put an end to her mystery by giving the door a pull .

Meredith

" Karev , I've brought wine " the older announced not waiting for further invitation before walking past Jo , bottle of Pinot Noir in her hands and her feet mapping out the route to the kitchen .

" it's 10am . . " Jo sighed shoving the door closed " and it's not karev anymore "

" It's 5pm somewhere . . fair enough , what is it"

Her sock clad feet padded against the hardwood floor all the way over to her couch and flopped down on it " I don't know yet " truth be told she'd been trying to figure that out all week . Keeping the name Karev seemed wrong , it wasn't hers to take . But , going back to Wilson didn't appeal to her either .

" okay , Jo " meredith tested the waters with the name and seeing the general attending not dismissing it she continued on , popping the bottle open and pouring the red liquid into two glasses " It's been a week , you need to work . you know it and I know it . So , we're going to talk , drink , and then your going to get your ass back to Grey Sloan "

Jo let out a exasperated breath leaning her head against the arm propped up on the arm of the couch , kicking her feet off to make room for meredith " I don't want to talk . There's nothing to talk about , my husb — my ex hus — alex . . left . I'm fine . do you need me to tell you i'm not falling into a state of depression again ? i'm not . I'm just . . sad ? mad ? both ? is that a thing ? i'm sangry " the brunettes fingertips trailed patterns in the material of the sofa , not minding when the end dipped down from another body sinking into her homemade igloo.

" You're allowed to be angry , Jo . I'm mad , for me , for my kids , for you . What you aren't allowed to do is wallow away on a lumpy couch " Meredith extended her arm a bit and held out the half full wine glass .

" I'd wallow in my lumpy bed but it smells like him and . . i'm not there yet . For now this couch is my new favorite thing " her nose wrinkled up at the sight of the liquid , the strong smell hitting her nostrils from just being in meredith's hand , she waved her hand dismissively " no thanks , my stomachs upset enough as it is . I never believed someone when they said your body knew a piece was missing but now that the days i haven't spent by the toilet seat , i spend physically worn out . . I take it back "

The chief of general surgery's eyebrows furrowed at her comment , she set the glass down on the coffee table and turned her body towards the younger attending " Jo " her voice was serious " your not pregnant are you ? "

She froze at the question . She'd been so caught up in wrapping her mind around the divorce she hadn't even considered that the body aches and tiredness could be fatigue , that the constant stomach contents traveling from her stomach out of her mouth could be morning sickness , that her sudden change in likes and dislikes of foods were cravings . Now that she put thought into it her period hadn't come this month either , it was on the time schedule set for the first week of every month but here she sat entering the fourth week with no bleeding from her vaginal cavity . She'd been on birth control hadnt she? They were careful . . she doesn't want to admit to herself what this could mean .

She just shook her head " what ? no , no . I was on birth control the last time we . . did it "

" are you positive ?"

not really

" yes "

She'd easily persuaded meredith that the idea was crazy yet she found herself coming in an hour before her shift started , having her blood drawn and a test run to pacify the possibility of maybe . maybe there was a fetus swimming in her womb . Maybe she was being paranoid , maybe there was some other reason for her body stimulating the symptoms of a pregnant woman's . Stress , Her husband had just left her . Her body fighting off an infection , that was a less likely case but it was better then the idea that there was a baby — it'd make things so much less complicated .

Alex . What was she going to tell Alex of there was a baby ? hey sorry to disrupt your new family time but i'm pregnant . congrats your a daddy x 3 ! No matter how badly he had cut her she couldn't bring herself to even think of ruining those kids — his kids chances at a family . . but she couldn't think of raising her hypothetical child without him either . What would happen ? She sends their hypothetical kid to Kansas every other week ? They all become one happy co-parenting family ? and what was she going to do about the loft ? It had one room , was not in the best neighborhood and defiantly not fit to raise a child in .

god , She wasn't ready to be a mom , she didn't know how to be a mom . she never had one . She doesn't even have any mom friends . Well , meredith but she'd surely spend the time convincing her to tell Alex than helping her choose which kind of diapers to get . Amelia , she'd be too busy navigating her way through her own kid's first year of life then sitting down and helping her assemble a crib . Stephanie was a thousand miles a way and wasn't a mom , she wouldn't know the difference between pacifiers .

she was perched anxiously on the edge of a seat , her eyes darting from the clock sitting on the edge of Carina DeLucas desk to her lap where her hands were strung together fidgeting endlessly , her heart twisted and sunk with nerves . The door opened and the OB / GYN walked in , Jo takes one look at the attendings face and feels all of the blood drain from her own , black dots danced before her eyes. She groped the arm of the chair, Adam's Apple bobbed violently as she gulped . She knew . Knew what the results said " How far along ?" She's able to croak out

Let's make a baby .

We're the only family we need , right ?

You and me . And if we have kids , It'll be great .

" the level of hGC points to eleven weeks " there was sympathy and pity rattling from the attendings voice as she closed the distance between the two , coming to handoff the results . The brunette was quickly scanning the words on the printed paper. No errors. No mistakes. It was clear as day and it meant she was definitely meant pregnant. Pregnant. There was a baby inside her, growing inside her. Fingers, toes, a beating heart. Giving the Italian attending a half-hearted smile , she shoved the paper into her bag and exited the room .

She was fast to get herself off the peds ward before rounds began and prying eyes burned holes into the back of her head . She trotted down the stairway , the elevator wasn't an option - - she was already suffocating without being crammed into a small space . Her feet kissing the tiled floor , the pounding noise of her tennis shoes resonating off the walls of the stairway with a clanging echo that matched her heart throbbing inside her chest with the thick fear Jo felt .

She had opened the door on the hospitals third level when she bumped into a broad , strong chest , her chin tipped upwards and right before her she saw Owen Hunt peering down at her apologetically .

" Karev — i mean Jo , I've been paging you . Scrub in quickly , incoming trauma . ETA eight minutes"

A smile came to claim her lips at his attempt to respect her wants during her ' dignity crisis ' Jo gave him a nod " yeah sorry , I was headed that way now, got stuck in traffic "

" great , I'll see you out there " The formet veteran returned the smile walking past her quickly and she was about to let the door close behind her when she heard her name fall from his mouth again " and Jo ? It's good to have you back "

According to the news i just got I'll probably be gone again in another nine months for maternity leave so let's soak up my time here while we can .

" It's good to be back "

Breath . In one . Out one . Repeat