TW for some angst and extreme sadness/depression. This chapter was written from my personal experience of coping with the death of a friend who commit suicide. RIP Malissa, you were, are, and always will be my best friend.
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Natsu couldn't believe that Gray was actually dead. The ice mage had commit suicide well over three months ago and Natsu still wasn't over it.
How could I be? I loved him. A lot. He was so special to me.
Natsu had gone to Gray's funeral. Of course he did. It would've been extremely rude and disrespectful to not show up and say his last goodbye. But oh, it fucking hurt to see Gray's still body lying in an open coffin, eyes closed, hands folded over his chest. His pale skin was almost pure white, skin colder than it had ever been. Although yes, Natsu managed to show up, he couldn't even look at Gray. It was too much.
That was the first time he had seen every member of Fairy Tail crying at the same time. Everyone was in tears, sobbing, leaning on their friend's or partner's shoulders, trying to comfort one another. But they all knew better than to try and comfort Natsu. He didn't want it. He was too far gone in his own grief.
Flames were sparking in his fists, he found it hard to breathe throughout the entire funeral procession. He had sat next to Erza, and at one point she held his hand as they carried the coffin away to be buried.
Natsu followed the procession with his eyes turned to the ground. He didn't want to look, to see the hole in the ground they were putting Gray in. He kept his eyes screwed shut as he helped bury his best friend. The shovel was so heavy, he wanted to throw it down and run as fast as he could. But he felt he owed this to Gray. He whispered a few prayers as he helped fill in the hole, completely covering the coffin.
And once the funeral was over, he had gone right home to his cabin in the woods and cried. He cried and cried until he had no more tears left, until his voice was nearly gone, exhausted from the wails and sobs he had been letting out.
But that was three months ago.
And Gray was still gone.
Natsu missed him so much. More than you could imagine. It was like there was this gigantic, gaping hole in his chest as large and deep as the grave he had helped put Gray into.
He couldn't move on. He just couldn't. Gray was the only one he had ever expressed profound love for, that he might've liked to spend the rest of his life with. But now he had to spend the rest of his life all alone. Because Gray was dead. Dead. He was never coming back, it was all over.
And now, Natsu was standing at Gray's grave again. It was the first time he had visited since the funeral and the time after the funeral, when he had left a rose there. Now he had brought flowers again. White roses. Gray's favorite.
"Hey, Gray..." Natsu whispered, as he knelt down by the grave and lowered his head, placing one palm on the pleasantly cold tombstone.
Gray Fullbuster
2001-2020
I'm always looking your way.
Natsu almost couldn't stand to look at the words engraved in the stone. His best friend's name, birthdate, and date of death.
"It's been awhile." Natsu began, his voice shaking. "A-And I... I still really miss you, buddy. I've been doing okay otherwise, but I haven't been taking any jobs or doing anything of interest because I just can't motivate myself to do much of anything anymore. It's like the fire's gone right out of me."
He paused when he realized he was crying. Warm tears were making their way down his face. He didn't try to wipe them away, although some part of him wanted to.
"If you were here right now you'd laugh and call me lazy before dragging me over to the job board and forcing me to take one." Natsu chuckled at the thought, which brought warm memories of hours spent with Gray bubbling to the surface of his mind. "But you're not here, and that's what hurts. Everything feels wrong. Fairy Tail hasn't been the same anymore. A lot of people have already forgotten you. They mourned for maybe a few days before getting back to their normal lives as if nothing had happened. And that hurts, because it's so easy for them to just... Forget. And I can't forget you. I can never forget. How could I?"
Gray's smile, the way his eyes sparkled when he laughed, the elegance of his magic freezing over all the evil in the world, his beautiful blue eyes, his pale skin, his perfection.
"I just... I really wish... I had done everything differently. I was a coward, I was weak. I should've manned up and helped you when you really needed me. But I didn't because I was scared." Natsu punched the ground beside the grave, extremely angry with himself for being so cowardly, so fucking weak, so stupid. "I-I... I'm so sorry, Gray. I'm sorry. Please..." his voice broke off into a deep sob of anguish, of sorrow, of the deepest form of agony a soul can know: the loss of a friend. "Please... F-Forgive..." he couldn't bring himself to ask his friend for forgiveness. He didn't deserve it after letting Gray die like that.
Natsu shook his head, eyes clenched shut. The words I'm sorry lingered on his lips, he kept whispering them over and over, as if they'd bring Gray back from the dead.
He stayed like that for at least half an hour, trying to come to terms with what he had done. He had let Gray die. He had been a coward. It was almost as if he had murdered Gray involuntarily. It hurt. Why did it hurt so much? He was tired, he wanted sleep.
Suddenly Natsu felt a warm hand on his shoulder.
"Natsu?" a soft, vaguely familiar voice asked, from beside him.
The once-spunky dragon slayer lifted his head and found himself staring into a pair of hazel eyes, sparkling with concern. It took Natsu a moment to remember the jade-haired rune mage's name.
Freed Justine, right? Yeah, I think so...
"Freed?" Natsu croaked out, voice hoarse. "What're you doing here."
Freed smiled sadly and turned to point to a tombstone in the graveyard, several paces back. "Visiting my Laxus."
Laxus Dreyar was the thunder dragon slayer, a fierce and bold character. He and Freed had been in a relationship for almost two years, and Laxus had been planning on proposing to Freed. He had even asked Natsu to help him with it. But on the day Laxus was gonna ask Freed to marry him, tragedy struck. Laxus... Was killed by an unfortunate hunting accident that sent him falling off a high cliff to the rocks below. He was dead instantly, didn't have time to feel any pain. Poor Freed had been absolutely heartbroken. But that was a year ago.
"You still visit him? After all this time?" Natsu asked, tilting his head to one side curiously.
"Of course. He still means so much to me, even though he's not with us anymore..." Freed smoothed down his scarlet coat and slowly sat down beside Natsu. "And I see you're visiting our dearest Gray... I miss him too."
"Yeah. I do too, more than anyone else at the guild." Natsu nodded his agreement, peering sidelong at the smaller man. "But I imagine you know what that feels like."
"I do." Freed nodded, and once again, there was that sweet, sad smile that spoke much louder than words. "I understand what you're going through, Natsu. Been there, done that. Sometimes, I still relapse and live through it again. It's not easy. But I saw you out here and just thought I'd stop by and make sure you knew you aren't alone."
"Heh. Thanks. Means a lot to me." the salmon-haired dragon slayer managed a weak smile. The two stayed silent for a moment, Freed gazing with sorrowful respect at Gray's tombstone, before Natsu thought of something he'd like to ask. "Hey, Freed? How did you... Get over Laxus? Oh shit, sorry, that sounds rude.." Natsu was immediately stuttering again.
"No, no, it's okay." Freed chuckled softly.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is how did you move on? How did you accept he was dead and get on with life? How do you... Get through every single day without him? How do you walk into the guild every single day knowing he isn't going to be right there waiting for you?" Natsu questioned.
"Hmm..." Freed hummed, closing his eyes thoughtfully, before looking the taller man square in the eye and saying, "Allow me to let you in on a little secret, Natsu... I've never... Gotten over him."
"Nani?" the pinkette's eyes widened slightly. "What... How? I honestly thought... It's been so long that you... Surely you must've..." He stammered, absolutely bewildered.
Freed laughed softly at this. "Yeah, I know. Most people think I've moved on. But how could I? I loved Laxus with every ounce of heart and soul I possess in this body of mine. He was everything to me. I spent every waking moment with him, and I have so many warm memories of my time spent with him. His smile could light up the room, did you know that? And to me, he was the most beautiful, radiant, perfect creature to ever exist. After loving someone like that, I don't think it's possible for me to move on at this point."
"Huh. I know the feeling." Natsu groaned, briefly haunted by an image of Gray's gentle, smiling face. Beautiful, radiant and perfect are three words that excellently describe Gray.
"Yeah. I imagine you do. It's not easy, losing the one you love most." Freed nodded, tucking a long strand of his own green hair behind his ear. Freed had always kept his hair waist-length. But sometimes it irritated him. "I also know how it feels to have watched that loved one die. I remember vividly how absolutely mortified I was when I saw Laxus fall off that cliff." he looked down at the ground, wiping a tear away. "I couldn't stop screaming once I realized he was... Gone."
Natsu felt a pang of sadness. Although losing Gray was awful, Freed had lost his lover of two years, whom he had known since they were young. It must've hurt so much when Laxus died.
"And at the time, I was at the lowest point of my life. I didn't know what to do or how to move on. I was scared, and I partially blamed myself for letting him walk that close to the edge. I didn't know what to do or how to let go, how to continue on with life." Freed's voice wavered, but he didn't cry. That was something Natsu really admired. "But here's something most people don't understand about grief: you don't have to let go. You don't have to move on."
"What?" Natsu was actually taken aback by this statement.
"Yeah, it's surprising. But it's true. You don't have to forget about them once they're gone. You really don't." the smaller man explained, speaking slowly, giving the pinkette time to process his words. "All you have to do is keep living life, one step at a time. Make it through every lonely day, every long and cold night. Try your hardest to just be alive. I know that, if Gray were here right now, he'd want you to keep living on. Just like I know my Laxus wants me to do the same. I have to live because... Well, as long as I hold memories of him in my heart, he's never truly dead."
"But how does everyone else make it seem so easy to let go? How come they just... Moved on like he never existed in the first place?" Natsu felt all his frustration threatening to burst out of him.
"Everyone else has absolutely no idea what an amazing person Gray was. Nobody else knew him like you do. So they can easily push his memory to the back of their mind and keep walking. To them, he is truly dead, but he lives on in you. My basic belief is that nobody completely dies until they are completely forgotten."
"Damn. That's really deep. But I never thought of it that way. Can I ask you something else? I'm sorry, I know I'm asking a lot of questions, but I need to know. Did you ever get back to living life normally after losing Laxus?"
"That's... A bit difficult to answer. I have, but I haven't at the same time. I didn't take a job for six months straight because my work motivation crashed, and I often can't find it in me to use my magic anymore so I don't go on nearly as many jobs as I used to when he was alive. But I did get back to work. As much as I possibly can, given the circumstances. The trick is to be gentle with yourself and don't rush. Recover at your own pace. And it's okay if you're never as good as you used to be. It's okay if you can't do as much as you used to. Just... Keep living one day at a time, one foot in front of the other."
"Huh." Natsu turned his gaze back down to Gray's tombstone. The text engraved there stared back at him, almost accusingly. "You know, you honestly sound like you have this all figured out. I'm jealous." he joked.
"Heh. Although it may seem that way, I really don't. I'm still figuring it out. I'm just speaking from experience in hope that my experience helps a brother get through his own experience, if that makes sense." Freed's lips twitched upward in something of an amused smile. "Laxus always used to tell me that I sound like a wise old lady when I talk about serious things. I like to think that he's proud of me."
"I'm sure he is." Natsu found himself saying. "I'm not sure what Gray thinks of me..."
"He really did think highly of you."
"Really?"
"Of course. You meant a lot to him."
"But I wasn't enough."
"Natsu... If you couldn't save him, nobody could."
Those words hit the pinkette hard, like a brick flung into his chest. He almost fell over from the weight behind those words, those precious words that were exactly what he needed to hear.
"Thank you, Freed." he whispered, awestruck. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
"Anytime." The little rune mage nodded and turned his glittering hazel eyes skyward. "Oh. It seems a storm has rolled in." he pointed upward to the hazy mess of swirling clouds over their heads, grayish black in color, promising rain.
"Yeah. But it's too cold for rain." Natsu shivered and pulled his jacket closer around him.
Way off in the distance, at least two miles away, a bolt of white-hot lightning leaped from the clouds and struck the ground, forming a jagged pattern in the air that looked like the atmosphere had been split wide open. There was the soft, rumbling growl of thunder couple seconds after.
Natsu turned to tell his new friend that they should probably go indoors, only to realize that Freed was crying. Tears sparkled on the smaller man's pale skin like diamonds, but his lips were turned upward in a smile. That same sad, sweet smile he only got when he was thinking about...
"There he is." Freed whispered, voice soft and laced with unseen heartbreak and grief. "That's my Laxus."
Natsu realized with a jolt that Laxus had been a lightning mage, able to create electricity out of nowhere and use it however he pleased. The pinkette opened his mouth to say something but Freed beat him to it.
"I know it's stupid, but I see him in every thunderstorm. Every time a bolt of lightning shoots across the clouds or hits the ground, I just know it's Laxus's way of telling me that he's up there, watching over me, sending the purest and most loving of thoughts my way. His body may have died, Natsu, but his spirit didn't." Freed said, closing his eyes and tilting his head back.
"I'm so sorry that you lost him, Freed..." Natsu mumbled, feeling a stab of pity for the smaller man.
At this, the rune mage laughed. "I never truly lost him."
And then it began to snow. Little ice crystals, so thin and delicate, began dropping from the sky, drifting to the ground in little white eddies, pure and sweet. It was beautiful. And more lightning rippled across the sky, leaping between the clouds. Thunder growled softly.
"Thundersnow." Natsu remarked, blankly. All he could think about was Gray, and how he had loved the snow.
"Oh. It seems Gray's here too." Freed said, catching a few delicate snowflakes on his palm.
Natsu felt a single tear slide down his face. He reached out and brushed his fingers across Gray's tombstone. "Thank you." he whispered to his friend's dead body, lying six feet under.
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A/N: do you think I should write one more chapter? I'm considering it. May not be the worst idea. Lemme know what you think. This story was originally supposed to only have one chapter but then I got mad at myself for leaving Natsu in such a state of grief so I thought I'd get our sad and lonely boy some help from a friend (my all-time favorite character, Freed Justine). So... To be continued maybe? Thanks for reading! Much love!
-UltimatexAdmin