Redgrove

Episode Ten: Mind Walk

This isn't what you were expecting. You were expecting a neat little story that showed how two of Redgrove's finest were murdered. But this world isn't very neat. This world kicks you and punches you every two seconds. I'm here to tell you how I got my revenge on the world. This is my story and you won't even hear my name.

Let me tell you a bit about my life. My mum brought me up and she was a nice woman. She was kind, happy and loving. She always told me that you should be who you want to be. That advice stuck with me all through my life. I remember how I once came home from school one day and my mum told me that some men were coming round and that I shouldn't answer the door. I stayed in my room and kept silent. I stayed alive.

Life passed and things moved on. My mum got cancer and died whilst I was at secondary school and, seeing as my dad was in Bristol, I had to learn to live. I survived. I cooked beans and watched Quatermass. It was actually quite good. Then Monday happened.

Monday was when I met Brenda. That was a very odd day. I was in my local supermarket, buying some apples, and I almost fell into some apples. Brenda saved me.
"You alright luv?" she asked me. And that is honestly how I heard it. This buffoon who's writing this series has written it perfectly. She had a very rough Northern accent.
"Yes, I'm fine. Thank you for helping me out of that." I replied, with my London accent. Why things are set in London all of the time baffles me but that's Doctor Who for you.
"You got any parents to look afta you?"
"No. But I think I'm doing alright."
That is correct. Honestly. Don't think that this idiot writing this is lying.
"Well you can come to ma place if you ever need anything, chuck."
I hate the word chuck. I just want to chuck this writer away and call Chris. He can write things well. And any people who don't like Chris can run away in fear. Because he's keeping his position until further notice. Stop moaning and get on with it.
"Thank you. What's your name?"
We all know what the answer to that is, so I'll move on.

A few days later, Brenda came round to my place as I had cooked her a shepard's pie. Well, mash on top of many pork pies. She cooked me a shepard's pie as well. I enjoyed the pork pies.
"Will you marry me?" she asked me. I won't give you my name because I don't even have one. This is a story for goodness sake. This writer will just think of a stupid name, like Thaddeus Shaw or something. I'm not giving you my name and that's final.
"No. This isn't Romeo and Juliet. I'm just a teenager."
"Aw, but I thought there was chemistry between us."
"No. This is a formal mother-son relationship. We're not in a fairytale."
She then said something about my bad language but as this is supposed to be Doctor Who and if you swear everyone will hate you, I omitted that from the last sentence. And every other sentence in this story.

Now would be a good time to tell you that this is just a journey through my mind. That's why this episode is called Mind Walk. Don't think this is actually what happened to the writer. This isn't his autobiography. I've just been chucked into the mix as a little breather after everything that's happened. I know. How rude. I deserve my own series for this. Actually no. My own movie. With Tom Cruise. And Dakota Fanning. And Charles Dance. I'd love that.

"I loved you and now you don't love me back?" Brenda asked me, making me vomit in my mouth. Apologies to those reading this whilst eating or drinking. Also, how the hell can you multi-task like that? I like you. Actually I don't like you.
"Look Brenda, it's over. Go away and leave me alone." I said, dragging her to the door and shoving her out. How I shoved her out when the door was closed I don't know. Perhaps Brenda was a ghost. Who cares anyway?

The days after that I stayed at home, watching Quatermass. Somehow. Even I don't know how reality works any more. I won't go into full detail but watching Quatermass in who knows when is an anomaly. Not knowing what year it is is also a much clearer anomaly. Why did they make it so that the Third Doctor's era was set during the 80s? That is just pointless. They should have done that with UFO. What's UFO? ITV. End of.
Michael came round. He was a bore. Imagine an idiot with a beard, long socks and two different coloured eyes and you've got Michael. He was a council officer who said that I couldn't run a home on my own. I put an end to him. Fast. The end of a knife, more specifically. And I put the end of the knife into him.

Wasn't that dark? Ooh, I feel naughty. Doctor Who hasn't been this dark since McCoy's run. Oh no, wait. This is Redgrove isn't it? The spin-off that's just a child-friendly version of Torchwood. What a stupid idea. If only he'd continued with the bald Doctor who'd fallen into the dodgy version of Earth. Perhaps he will. Perhaps he won't. Who knows? And just because I quoted Tom Baker doesn't make that an easter egg. So shush.

How this relates to Redgrove I have no idea but it has been a fun story hasn't it. The council officer had to go to hospital obviously and that, as they say, is history. What? I did just contradict myself there. Ooh, baby, I have been subtle. Did you not notice? Oh well, the idiots in the room will pick it up. Let's just say I have an explosive temper.

I think we're coming to the end of our time together and it has been fun. I've enjoyed all of this madness. I don't know why I've enjoyed it as I'm just words on a webpage somewhere but I have had a lot of fun. The nerds will probably thinking that I'll be back. I may even get someone writing fanfiction about me. Ooh, that would be fun. I would be so proud.

And I also killed the writer who acted as my scribe by the way. Because I know that some idiots out there will think that this BadgerLeopard wrote all of this as some sort of plea, or a love letter, or who knows what. BUT HE DIDN'T. I DID.

Who am I?

Go away.

You're not going to know.

And you're not getting a sequel.

I'm a one-shot wonder.

Everyone knows that.