Firstly, tissues at the ready, please. Secondly, remember that I FLOVE these characters hard.
Oh, and stow those tomatoes and pitchforks.
If you have any concerns, please message me before reading.
Remember how I warned you to grab your floaties, 'cause the waves might get bumpy? It's time, ladies. Grab those floaties and hang on.
Waves of Hope
Chapter Two
Edward
"And the cheese guy—"
"Has been paid up to date," Sullivan cuts me off with a grin, leaning back in his—or my—chair. The little shit is loving having at least partial control of my office while I'm in Utah; he and Garrett are in charge of running Burger Co. in my absence, and my brother is also looking after the house. A couple of his buddies are renting out Bella's place, which gives us some extra wiggle room to pay the rent on this house. "Will you quit worryin'? We've got everythin' in hand, just leave it to us and enjoy spendin' time with your family, will ya?"
Sighing, I rake both hands through my hair and nod. "Sorry, I know you're handling it. I'm just…"
"Antsy as fuck to get to your appointment? Yeah, I know, bro," Sullivan chuckles. "Make sure you send me a picture before anyone else," he warns teasingly, pointing his finger at the camera.
With a roll of my eyes, I remind him that Bella has already promised to put a picture in our family group chat—assuming we can get a clear one, anyway.
"We're still not even at the eight week mark," I remind him. "This scan today is just because Bella is too—"
"'Too,' what, sweetheart?"
Swallowing hard, I tip my head back to watch her walk across the great room toward me, her arms crossed over her chest, brows arched, and a smirk playing on her lips.
"Yeah, big brother. What is Bella?" Sullivan cackles.
"Shut up, Sully. I'll talk to you later," I tell him quickly, reaching to close the laptop on him.
"Hey, wai—"
Bella laughs and shakes her head as I cut him off, setting the laptop on the coffee table before rounding the couch to pull her into my arms.
"You look beautiful today," I tell her, because it's true. She's got her hair—currently dyed a silvery gray to match her eyes—in her favored messy bun, and the knitted sweater dress she's pulled on is insanely soft under my palms as I trail them from her hips to her hair, lightly coaxing her up onto her tiptoes for a soft, tender kiss.
"You were going to say I'm too impatient, weren't you?" she murmurs against my lips, smiling into the kiss and slipping one of her hands up the back of my sweater to stroke my back.
"It's possible." Popping one last kiss on the tip of her nose, I check my watch before searching her face for signs of how she's feeling. I can only see excitement as she breathes a happy little sigh and presses a hand over her abdomen.
"I hope they can get a clear picture. I was really lucky with Jax, Finn, and Arlo, and got great scan pictures all the way through my pregnancies."
"Well, let's hope this little fella is as cooperative as his brothers."
She snorts as we move through the house, grabbing keys, jackets, and phones. "You're still set on it being a he? You know, they're not going to be able to tell us for at least another two months."
"That's okay," I admit with a grin, locking the front door behind us as we head for the car. "I don't need a doctor to tell me I'm right. I have a gut feeling."
"A gut feeling," she titters, rolling her eyes even though she couldn't be smiling wider.
It's still so surreal that she's carrying my baby. A tiny little being, half her, half me. Even after she had blood drawn to confirm her HCG levels or whatever the hell they're called, it didn't quite sink in. I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop and the realisation that we're going to have a baby in seven months to hit me. I wasn't lying to Sullivan earlier—I booked this early scan today because Bella doesn't want to wait for the twelve week scan in another month—but at the same time, I'm hoping seeing our little one on the screen will really bring it home.
As I start up the car, I pause before throwing it in reverse to reach over and twist my fingers between Bella's. She offers me a rosy-cheeked smile, her smiling eyes full of anticipation. I'm sure mine are exactly the same.
"I love you, and I'll love our little one even if he's a she," I murmur, unable to resist picturing a sweet baby girl with gray eyes and tufts of her momma's natural chocolate locks. The boys would love a little sister to dote on. We haven't told them anything yet because Bella wants to do a cool announcement for our friends and family, and they would definitely blab.
My stomach clenches as I think of Willow and how excited she'd be to have a baby sister. She asked me and Kate for a sister on every Christmas and birthday list since she was two.
Squeezing our joined hands, Bella leans over the console to plant a soft, lingering kiss on my cheek. She knows where my thoughts have wandered to, of course. "Whoever our baby is, boy or girl, they've been hand-picked by their big sister, and that's enough for me."
As my chest swells with love for this beautiful woman, I lean across and plant a firm kiss right over her smiling mouth. I couldn't agree more.
~ oOo ~
The waiting area at the doctor's office is full of pregnant women. Some are alone, some have brought women who look like their mothers, and others have brought men I assume are their partners. Bella is the smallest out of all of them, but I amuse myself by picturing her with a bump the same size as the woman across from us. Part of me wants to ask if she's having twins, but I know that's not an acceptable question to ask a stranger.
We checked in when we arrived, now we're just waiting for the sonographer to be done with the person before us. It's excruciating.
And I call Bella the impatient one. What a hypocrite.
My knee bounces until Bella laughs under her breath and rests her hand on my thigh. "Sorry," I sigh, sheepish.
"Don't be. I'm excited, too."
The clock ticks loudly, the minutes passing painfully slowly. I finally try to kill my restlessness with conversation because I'm legitimately worried I might explode if Bella doesn't distract me soon.
"What time am I picking everyone up next week?"
Bella's brows furrow. "I'm not sure, actually. Mom sent me a screenshot of the flight details, one second…" She pulls up the picture and shows me the screen. "Probably around four, assuming everything is on time?"
"All right."
"It's going to be so nice having everyone here for Christmas," she breathes, smiling at her phone as she flips through the pictures she took last weekend when we flew out to Jackson Bay for a few days. I like to go back once a month to check in with Burger Co., but this last trip was for pleasure, not business, so we left Max with our very kind neighbor and all five of us flew home together.
After I don't even know how many years of sneaking around but fooling nobody, Jones and Kelly finally pulled their heads out of their asses and got hitched.
Spending three days back in the Bay to celebrate their wedding and soak in Bella's family was great, but it just reminds all of us how much we miss it—the town, the ocean, our friends…
I love being here, close to Mom and Dad, especially right now when she's so sick. We're also just a few hours away from Jasper, Alice, and Matty, which is great, but Utah hasn't been my home for years. Moving here to be nearer Mom while she battles breast cancer doesn't change that. I feel selfish as all hell every time I catch myself looking forward to the day when she's better and we can move home, but at the same time, I know this is wearing on Bella and the boys, too. I think the only one of us who actually prefers it here to Jackson Bay might be Max, and even that's only because he enjoys the occasional flurries of snow we've gotten.
Hauling my family across the country definitely isn't something I would have done had I had a better option, but we're making the best of it.
I just don't know if this baby changes things. I glance over at Bella as she watches a boomerang of the boys jumping into the pool with Everly, Rosalie, and Danny. I don't need to ask the question to know we're both on the same page—we'd both rather have this baby back in the Bay, bring them home to our own house.
I don't know how to make that happen without breaking my mom's heart by leaving when she's already so fragile.
"Miss Swan?"
My head pops up, the nurse's voice yanking me from my thoughts, as Bella squeezes my thigh hard and rises to her feet. "That's me."
The nurse grins at her as she waves her over, then aims her smile at me. "I'll come back for you in just a minute, honey."
"Sure." My voice comes out all gruff, so I clear my throat before sucking in a deep breath in the hopes it'll help settle my racing heart.
I can't wait to see our baby.
Luckily, I'm not kept waiting long. Before I know it, the nurse is calling me in to join Bella. She's already on the bed with a sheet covering her legs and up to her stomach, her face split in a smile as she nods to answer whatever question the sonographer asked before I came in.
"Hey, short stuff," I whisper, overcome with the debilitating need to have that screen light up with the first image of our baby. Bella keeps reminding me that it won't look like much yet, but even just a glimpse of a blob and a heartbeat will be enough to reassure me that this is real.
"Hey," she whispers back, beaming ear to ear.
"Hi there, I'm Irina. You must be Dad," the sonographer says as she gets herself all set up. "Are you ready to see your baby?"
"I couldn't be more ready."
Irina winks, preoccupied now with pressing a bunch of buttons on her machine. My heart feels like it's going to beat clean out of my chest as she runs through the standard questions with Bella, then tells me to take a seat. The plastic chair creaks under my weight but I can't concentrate on that when Irina has got the probe under the sheet and Bella is squeezing the shit out of my hand, whispering that we're about to see our baby, my lungs too small for the big breath I suck in when the screen comes alive.
I remember my first ultrasound appointment when Kate was pregnant with Willow. I had the same thrumming pulse in my ears and the same excitement rushing through my veins when the sonographer found my baby girl bobbing around in her mom's belly. She was twelve weeks along by then, so Willow had tiny arms and legs and a button nose.
Grainy gray and white shifts before my eyes, then there's Bella's uterus; it's a smaller-than-expected area of black in the midst of all the gray.
I don't need Irina to tell me that what I'm seeing is...wrong.
Bella's fingers tighten painfully around my own, her stuttered intake of air loud in the oppressively silent room, and I know she sees the same thing.
Nothing.
~ oOo ~
I wince when we pull up outside the house, Dad's car on the driveway and Jasper's on the street.
"I'll tell them to go—"
"No, it's okay."
My chest aches at Bella's toneless voice as she stares straight ahead, her glassy eyes unfocused and red.
A quick glance at my face in the rearview shows me that mine are the same bloodshot mess.
"Bella…"
I don't know what to say. Maybe she doesn't, either, because she just squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head, her chest rising and falling in a shaky breath that sends a spear of agony through me.
With a sigh, I climb out and round the car, unbuckling Bella because she hasn't moved a muscle. Soon, we'll have company, and we need to be more composed than this.
Gently, I coax Bella out of the car and guide her up the drive with a hand at her back. When I open the front door, we're immediately assaulted by all the familiar sounds of our family in our house. Jaxson, Finley, and Matty are yelling at each other—Dad joins in and it clicks that they're playing Mario Kart when he complains they can't possibly be beating him every time without cheating somehow.
I can hear Mom and Alice's voices and the clattering of pots and pans. Alice texted to say she'd get started on dinner when I sent her a message to let her know we'd be a little longer than planned. God knows what she's making, because she's never been the best cook in the world. It was easy to forget that in all our earlier excitement. Now the thought of trying to force down whatever concoction she comes up with turns my churning stomach.
Arlo meets us in the entryway, his typical bright smile in place as he wraps his arms around Bella's legs. "Hey, Momma. I missed you!"
My stomach twists as I watch tears instantly fill Bella's eyes. She sniffs, dropping into a crouch to squeeze him to her chest, her face buried in his messy mop of hair. It's loose around his shoulders so I can't see her face, but there's no disguising the shiver that ripples down her spine when he asks where we've been and why Gamma and Pops have been so eager for us to return.
Because they thought we'd be bringing back a picture of their newest grandbaby.
"Where did Arlo go?" I hear Mom asking before she rounds the corner and her face lights up at the sight of us. "Oh! You're back!"
It only takes a couple seconds for her smile to slip from her face and her entire body to droop. There's no hiding the misery that cloaks me, the grief weighting my limbs.
"Honey…" she whispers, welling up when I clench my jaw and shake my head. My eyes burn, my chest aches, and my stomach knots as Arlo follows his brothers' shouts for him to come pick a character to race with.
Mom is frozen in the doorway but her eyes shift to Bella when she slowly lifts herself back upright, hugging herself with both arms. "I'm gonna go take a shower," she mumbles, telling me she needs a few minutes alone when I offer to come with her.
When our bedroom door clicks shut down the hall, I tip my head back and squeeze my eyes shut against the tears that push themselves free. Mom's arms wrap around my waist and as I stand there, my hopes and dreams shattering at my feet, she holds me together.
"Come with me," she murmurs after a moment, gently tugging me down the hall toward the guestroom. Perching on the edge of the bed, I look around at the pile of folded laundry on the dresser, the stray pieces of Lego scattered across the carpet, and the patch of paint on the wall that needs a touch-up after Arlo Sharpied it because I put him in time-out. I was supposed to put the laundry away. The boys promised they'd put all their Lego back in the box. Bella said she'd paint the wall.
I don't care about any of it. None of those silly, insignificant things matter. Not now. Not since we lost…
Our baby.
"Fuck."
Mom wraps me back up in her warm embrace, one of her hands cupping the back of my head against her as I give in to the tide of grief ebbing and flowing within me. "It's okay, honey. I've got you."
I feel like I could cry forever, but I pull myself together when Max wanders down the hall and lets himself into the room; he's big enough now that he can use his chunky head to push the handle down.
Resting his head on my knee, he huffs and stares at me with big, solemn brown eyes. It's like he knows.
"What happened?" Mom finally asks, sitting beside me with my hand in both of hers. She's weak, her grip barely registering, but it's enough.
Blowing a big breath through my nose, it feels as though my body is trying to cave in on itself. "Miscarriage," I grit out. "The sonographer couldn't find him at first, but she...she said the baby stopped growing at around five weeks, so he's just been in there for the last three…"
And he was already gone.
When we asked Alice and Jasper to watch the boys while we went to our appointment, knowing they planned to be here for a long weekend anyway, our baby was already gone.
"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
It takes a few moments for me to realize that the low groan I can hear is coming from me as my eyes well up again, Mom wrapping her skinny little arms around me as much as she can when I double over and bury my wet face in Max's furry neck.
She cries, too. I can feel her tears soaking the shoulder of my sweater. I can hear her sniffled promise to be here for us and to help us through this.
When she eventually pulls back, wiping her face with the sleeves of Dad's knit sweater, she offers me the saddest little smile I've ever seen. "You'll get through this, you will. You and Bella will grieve, as you should, and then you'll pick yourselves up and reassess. I know how much you both wanted that baby," she murmurs, wiping my cheeks.
I feel like the little boy who used to groan and bat her away when she'd lick her finger to wipe jelly from my cheek or run her fingers through my hair to try and tame it.
I'm forty-one now, not eight.
"I need to go see Bella," I finally croak, swiping a tissue from the box on the dresser to blow my nose.
"You do that. We'll take care of dinner and the boys, don't you worry." Cocking her head, she wonders, "Shall we take them home with us tonight? It'll give you some space to get your heads around all this."
"I'll check with Bella. I don't want to do anything without asking her first."
We've come a long way since the days when I felt I had to ask her about every little decision that concerns the boys, but today...I feel like that's best.
Mom agrees, kissing my head before leading Max out of the room and repeating her promise to take care of everything. When I've sucked in another deep inhale, despite my lungs feeling too small to take even the smallest breath, I man up and head down the hall..
When I open the door, I expect to hear the shower running. I expect to find Bella in the walk-in shower, washing her pain down the drain.
I don't expect to see her sitting on the floor in her bra and the leggings she wore to the doctor under her dress, clutching a small blue t-shirt and crying into the fabric while the shower pours steam into the room.
"Bella…" I rasp, sinking to the floor in front of her.
"I can't believe Arlo isn't going to get to wear this," she sobs, and I realize it's the tee we bought Arlo on Monday. As she lowers it, my tears blur the writing on the front, but I remember what it says.
I'm getting a promotion!
Big brother starting August 2021
The twins have shirts, too. Theirs say 'Oh, no. Not another one!' with a facepalm emoji underneath.
"It's not fair," Bella whimpers, letting me manhandle her into my lap. She wraps both arms around my neck, her face buried in my shoulder as her entire body heaves with her grief.
"We can get through this, Bella." I say the words, but I don't know if I believe them. "These things...these things happen. We don't know why, but all we can do is lean on each other and...and be strong."
"I don't feel like being strong right now."
Nodding and pressing a kiss against her head, I guiltily admit, "I don't, either."
Down the hall, the boys erupt with cheers and I'm reminded that somehow, some way, we have to be strong. We don't have our precious number five, Willow and the boys' little brother or sister, but we have Jaxson, Finley, and Arlo.
It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest, but we'll get through this. We have to.
~ oOo ~
"Hey, Finn," I call, huffing at the cold air rushing in. "Come get some breakfast, buddy. Aunt Alice will be here soon."
"Coming!"
I close the door to keep the heat in, but linger in the doorway for a beat to watch him work on his project. He's been working on it all morning, and I know Bella will love it—when, or if, she gets out of bed to see it.
A few minutes later, I'm leaning on the counter with my coffee in hand, the paper spread out in front of me, when Finley troops in with Max on his heels.
"Ooh, Lucky Charms!"
Chuckling, I ruffle his hair before turning the page. "Don't tell Mom."
He snorts, pouring a generous amount of milk over his cereal before grabbing a spoon from the drawer. I stop reading the article about the local soccer team and catch my breath when he absentmindedly pats me on the back on his way to the great room.
"Thanks, Dad."
My lungs expel a shaky sigh, my lips kicking up into a grin as I watch him drop onto the sofa with his brothers.
Thanks, Dad.
It's not the first time he, or Jaxson and Arlo for that matter, have called me 'Dad.' It happens occasionally, more often when they're distracted, sick, or want something. It's usually the latter. Still, it never fails to make me feel all warm and mushy inside, especially since…
No. Not goin' there.
My brows furrow as my gaze swings toward the entryway. It's almost noon, and Bella hasn't shown any sign of leaving our room in days. I mean, I get it, I do. I don't want to, either. All I want is to curl up in bed with her and shut out the world, but the boys...they sense that something is up. They're not dumb. They're nine and seven now, old enough to realize that their mom's 'flu' came on super suddenly, in the space of a few hours, not to mention that no virus has ever knocked her out like this before.
Running a hand through my hair, I wonder if calling Kendra would help. She's been great helping both me and Bella work through our frustrations with the whole trying-for-a-baby process, so maybe she'd be helpful with this, too.
My throat closes up at the thought of having to tell her what's happened, though.
So far, we've only told our nearest and dearest. My family knows, including Sullivan who tried to pretend he wasn't bawling his eyes out on the phone but failed miserably. When Bella spoke to her parents, they promised to break the news to her siblings, Jude, and Dale for us. That was a couple days ago now, and we've had texts from all of them sending us love and promising to be there for us.
That's all great, but it doesn't undo our heartbreak. It doesn't give us any answers for why this happened or how we move past it.
It doesn't guide me through my own pain while I try to navigate the right path to getting Bella out of the black hole she's fallen into.
"Hey, Dad? Can we have grilled cheese for lunch?" Jaxson calls, leaning his head over the back of the sofa to offer me a hopeful, upside-down grin.
Hey, Dad.
But that...being 'Dad' to these boys, that helps.
"Sure you can, buddy."
~ oOo ~
"Hey, hot stuff."
Bella's breath gusts out of her as her lips curl up into an exhausted smile. Sullivan wraps his long arms around her, swings her around, and plants a smacking kiss on her head. "Hey, Sully."
As I look around, people are busy rushing by—some into the arms of friends or family members, others hurrying toward cabs or the parking garage. Some are smiling, many just look fed up and ready to get to wherever they're going.
None of them look as relieved as I do when I hear Bella's soft laugh over the sounds of reunions, the airport announcements, and the boys yelling out for their uncle as Everly follows them back from Dunkin' Donuts with five paper bags in her arms.
Bella's laughter has been rare lately, her smiles almost as infrequent. As the days roll by, I feel like the light is slowly returning to her eyes, but worry has me waking up before dawn every morning, just like I used to after I lost Willow. I've reverted back to the days when I'd watch the sun rise on the porch and feel that itch for whiskey in the back of my throat when sleep just wouldn't come. We're both struggling, I just don't know how to fix it.
"Dudes!" Sullivan crows, tucking Bella under his arm so he can give each of the boys high fives. "How's it hangin', fellas?"
"Good," Jaxson shrugs. "You're the last to get here, so it's crazy at our place right now."
My brother laughs and uses his free arm to hug me. "I don't doubt it." Whispering, he checks, "I'm still stayin' with you guys though, right?"
"Of course," I chuckle, lightly slapping him on the back. The rift between him and Mom has closed a lot in recent years, helped a lot by the love they both share for Bella and the boys. I never thought I'd see the day Sullivan would call while I'm visiting my parents and make me pass the phone to Mom so he can say 'hi' to her as well as Dad. Now, it's a frequent occurrence. "Now, let's get goin', shall we?"
Sullivan packed light, so he grabs his duffel from the floor and tosses it over his shoulder as we all make our way toward the cars. The boys insisted on coming with us to pick him up and Everly wanted to hit up Dunkin' Donuts, so she drove them in her rented BMW. Bella and I didn't really need to tag along in the end—they all would have fit in one car, even including Sullivan—but it's good to get out of the house.
It's especially good for Bella to get out of the house.
The little trip out seems to have done her good, thank fuck. She smiles as Sullivan lightly tugs on her braid and playfully bats his hands away from the glazed donut Finley hands her before we split to get into the Jeep, the boys, Everly, and Sullivan climbing into the BMW.
She's lighter, more herself. Having family around this past week has been great. Tiring, but great. Everly, in particular, has been a godsend with her exuberance and inherently cheerful nature. I can almost see Bella soaking it up whenever Everly is around, like a flower leaning toward the sun. It's made me wistful for Jackson Bay, sad that in just another short week, she'll be jetting back to Florida along with most of the people we love.
Still, when we wave at the boys as they head off in front of us, I feel myself releasing a long sigh. My lips curl up as Bella releases a twin breath of relief. "It's quiet."
"It is," I agree, reaching over to twist our fingers together on her thigh. "We might as well enjoy it while it lasts. Now Sully's here, we sure won't be getting any peace and quiet at the house."
She snorts, shooting me the first genuine, crinkly-eyed smile since…
I see the moment she realizes where my thoughts have gone, where they frequently go at the moment. The light in hers dims, the grin on her face slipping as she shrinks into herself.
Only…
Before she completely disappears, I see a tentative sort of resistance in Bella's gray gaze. I see a flash of the old Bella, a glimpse of the spirit she's always shown in times of stress or grief. I see the woman I fell in love with and the woman I've never been more in awe of until now. She fights the swell of pain and offers me a weak smile, one that begs me to help her stay strong.
Squeezing our joined hands, I switch off the engine and twist in my seat, reaching up to cup her face with my free hand. Bella's eyes slide shut, her soft exhale fanning over to tickle the short hairs in my beard. "I love you, Bella. I love you so much."
Her eyes pop open. "I love you, too, handsome. I'm...this is so much harder than I thought it would be. Having our family here…" she trails off, her voice catching, and I know.
"Hey," I murmur, brushing a stray tear from the soft skin below her eye before it can fall further. "We all thought this would be different. You don't need to feel guilty for grieving the loss of all that. What we both need to do, though, is remember that we still have three little boys who are very excited to spend Christmas with their whole family for the first time ever."
Stroking her cheek lightly, I let myself imagine the Christmas we would have had, the gifts we would have handed out bearing pictures of our newest little Cullen. Then I push it from my mind and say 'goodbye' to that, because it wasn't to be.
"We'll get through this, Bella. We will. We have each other, we have our family, and we have our boys. And one day," I pause, my voice thick with the threat of tears when I continue, "one day, we'll hold our baby in our arms and know they were chosen just for us by their big sister and brother."
We'll doubtlessly face more trials on our journey to become parents again. At this point, that's almost a given. We're still grieving, still learning how to cope with our recent loss, and there's no telling if it will be our last. We'll never know if the baby we lost was a boy or a girl, but in our heads, he'll always be a perfect little boy. All the best parts of me and Bella mixed up in a blue bundle that just wasn't meant for Earth.
Hopefully someday, we'll be able to accept it as one of life's cruel lessons. Until then, we'll have to lean on each other and let our love for each other guide us through.
With a soft, breathy sigh and the faintest of smiles, Bella nods and leans into my touch, and I know deep down in my still-healing heart…
We'll be okay.
Are you still with me?