Chapter 02: Disgusting Revelation
Lesbian. Even the word made Shizuru's skin crawl. She had never particularly liked the term nor would she ever. Despite this, she still desperately yearned for Natsuki. It was an impossible revelation for her. She had never loved before—but oh. Natsuki was another story entirely. But of all people, why the rebel? She had asked herself this question a thousand times over. She had absolutely no interest for anyone else—not even a fleeting glance. It was almost as though she hadn't experienced attraction before Natsuki—if ever. What was this, exactly? Throughout a person's life, they usually desired multiple people, no? It puzzled her thinking about it further. Even during their first meeting, Shizuru had felt nothing for Natsuki. Was this considered "normal"? Her feelings had been extremely vague for the most part. It was still a confusing mess of obscurity. Did she genuinely love Natsuki? Were these feelings romantic or platonic? Why was she unable to discern between them like her peers? How could a mere child such as Tokiha Takumi love somebody while she could not? Why?
A ragged sigh slipped past Shizuru's lips. Hiding her face into her pillow, she wished she could dig a hole and hide in it. At least then she would be totally oblivious to the world. She halfheartedly supposed that her pillow would suffice. But, even so, her mind wandered. Natsuki had accepted her for who she was, but Shizuru simply couldn't bear it any longer. Having confessed during the HiME Carnival, she felt that she had betrayed Natsuki's trust entirely. She had frantically façaded her fellow HiMEs to the Administar and back—figuratively, but still—it isn't enough…!
It is an incompetent attempt on her part.
Pushing herself up languidly, the student council president sat up in her futon. Uncharacteristically so, her body sank forward as she stared blankly at her tatami flooring. Her depression was an acute pain that weighed her down harshly. No matter how hard she wanted to escape it, she couldn't. Idly playing with the neckline of her yukata, she pulled the fabric to cover herself properly. Yukatas had always been notorious for that.
"Na-tsuki." She hissed, her voice cracking from strain. A volley of dry coughs whacked her body upon her whisper. Body tautening, she hauled herself up to lurch towards the kitchenette. In the dim light, she blindly reached for her empty teacup atop the counter. Running the cold water, she leant tediously against the sink edge.
Surely she should feel relief now that the HiME Carnival had concluded? Rather, she felt much worse and missed Kiyohime terribly. Her powers as a HiME had been petrifying but incredibly useful. They had mustered her through hardships she couldn't imagine accomplishing now. In the end, she was merely a teenage girl entering adulthood.
It was only going to get worse from here on out.
Hoving her teacup underneath the tap, the water sloshed into it messily. Uncaring, she shut the water off and brought it to her lips—albeit her hands quivering. Shizuru wanted out. With her mental welfare weaker than ever before, it was like there was nothing to satisfy her. She had high grades—who cared? College? University? A career? Who gave a shit. After tasting the rush of the HiME Carnival, she was addicted. Why would Kazahana be so cruel? She… everything about society was…
Draining the teacup listlessly in one go, she shoved it back onto the counter a moment later. Grasping the sink, Shizuru swallowed roughly. How were you meant to feel satisfied with the concept of society? You were educated into adulthood, thrown head first into society, then work until essentially your death. With no desires or enjoyment, how was Shizuru supposed to accept this? She wanted Natsuki, but she couldn't have her.
It was… it wouldn't be fair.
In reality, she hadn't truly molested Natsuki. It had utterly disgusted her, and if she had committed such a heinous act, she would never forgive herself. She had rested by the rebel naked, and then…
Her fingernails scraped along the metal of the sink tensely. Fingers turning pale, a broken cry shook her. Wasn't this all just pathetic? She couldn't even get aroused from masturbation! Laughing bitterly, her shoulders quaked as she sobbed.
Oh, Natsuki. What would she think?
A/N: I was surprised by the attention this oneshot received, so I've added a chapter. I may consider continuing it depending on the ideas I have planned and how difficult it is to write. For now it'll be on my backburner as I already have plenty of stories to focus on.