I wake again to my brother's voice, but this time it is coming through my bedroom door. "The shower's yours Marella. It's time."
"Okay," I call back quietly. I get up slowly and then take my clothes with me into the shower. We only have one bathroom and Tobias always gets up before me. Once I'm in, I'm thankful, not for the first time, for Abnegation's cold showers. The water numbs my back and will make my day a little easier. I get out of the shower quickly and dry off in the same manner. It's hard to bandage my back alone, but I have a lot of practice. I brush my hair next and put it into an Abnegation style bun. When I come out of the bathroom I see my brother at the end of the hall, sweeping up his hair from the ground in front of the covered mirror. It is tradition for Abnegation dependents to cut their hair on the day of the Choosing Ceremony.
Marcus is waiting next to him, "Get the scissors from the bathroom Marella. I need to cut your hair."
I nod, "Yes sir," I say quietly and turn back to the bathroom. I grab them and walk back to the mirror. Tobias walks past me so that he can put the clippers away. We make eye contact briefly and then he goes downstairs. When I get to the mirror Marcus takes the scissors from me and takes my hair down. "You know what to do today. The leader will call your name, you will take the knife, cut your hand, and make your choice."
Our eyes meet in the mirror and it takes everything in me to not flinch, "You know what the right choice is. I know you do."
I look away, "Yes, sir."
"The knife will hurt, but the pain will be over quickly."
"I'll be fine father. You've taught me to hide pain well."
Anger flashes in his eyes, but then it is gone. The anger buried until he can unleash again. He won't have the opportunity to do it to us again. I'll make sure of it. "You and your brother are very alike. It will get you into trouble. Clean up and then get downstairs."
I nod and he hands me the scissors before going downstairs. I clean up the hair and return the scissors.
Tobias comes back upstairs suddenly and goes into his bathroom. I watch curiously as he takes a blue glass sculpture from his pillow and puts it on his desk. It looks like falling water with the way the light hits it. I go back into my room and get out all of the books that I have hidden. I place them all in a nice stack on my desk next to the textbooks. I walk out of my bedroom and close the door behind me. Tobias does the same. We share a small smile then and head downstairs.
I am almost too nervous to eat, but I grab a piece of toast anyway. If we are going to Dauntless we will need as much energy as possible. Tobias copies me and we sit down at the table together, wincing as one. Marcus is reading the newspaper, the Erudite print, ignoring our presence. We make eye contact briefly before Marcus tells us to get up and do the dishes. We do them silently and don't bother acknowledging the flinches that happen every time we move too much. Then he tells us that it is time to go. We have to get out. I will not fail us again.
The three of us walk on the sidewalk without talking, ours heads bobbing in greeting to each neighbor we pass. Marcus has already slid on his council member mask and Tobias and I are employing our own. Our masks cover the pain that each step makes. We are perfect Abnegation members. Perfect, just like Marcus.
We board the bus silently, standing so that others may sit. Each bounce sends shocks of pain through me. But I continue to smile, just like my brother. We are the perfect Abnegation members. We have to get out. I will not fail us again. The Hub is a large black beacon in the distance. As we get closer my nerves get worse. A glance at my brother tells me that he's not faring much better.
When we exit the bus Marcus puts his hand on Tobias's shoulder. He winces and anger courses through me. Not for the first time I consider just tackling him. Just killing him here and now with my bare hands. But we are too close to salvation for me to even think it. I will not leave my brother to face fate alone. She is a cruel and unjust lady. I will not fail us again.
Abnegation take the stairs because it would be selfish to take up the elevator when others could use it. Everyone around me sweats from the effort, but they keep their breathing quiet. They wouldn't want it to seem like they're complaining. When we get to the right floor, we walk together to find our place in line. On his left is an Abnegation girl and on my right is an Amity boy. Marcus faces us both, "You know what to do. You know what the right choice is. I know you do." I wonder why he feels the need to repeat himself.
Neither of us answers him, "I'll see you both soon." He walks away and sits down with the rest of the leaders. The room gradually fills and once everyone is finally inside the doors shut. When they open again we will be free.
One of the Dauntless leaders, Max, walks up the the podium. Every year the faction leaders switch who gives the speech. This year it is Dauntless's turn. Everyone quiets down and he grips the podium tightly. His knuckles are bruised. We will have to fight if we want to make it in Dauntless. It's not the first time I have considered this. I wonder if Tobias has?
"Welcome to the Choosing Ceremony," his voice is naturally loud and he doesn't need the microphone. I wonder what it's like to be able to command an entire room with a few words. "Today you will choose your factions. Until this point you have followed your parents' paths, your parents' rules. Today you will find your own path, make your own rules." I can practically hear Marcus's disdain, for the typical Dauntless speech, from here. He, as all Abnegation do, call Dauntless hellions. I find the speech to be a nice reprieve from his monotone repetition of the Abnegation's.
"A long time ago our ancestors realized that each of us, each individual, was responsible for the evil that exists in our world." Who else would be? "But they didn't agree on exactly what that evil was." I think that my brother and I can agree that one of those evils is Marcus. And people just like him. "Some say that it was dishonestly, some say that it was ignorance, some aggression, some say selfishness was the cause." Tobias grabs my hand at that and squeezes it tightly. I do the same back. I will not fail us again. "And the last group said that it was cowardice that was to blame." A few hoots rise up from the Dauntless section, and the rest of the Dauntless laughs.
"This is how we came by our factions: Candor, Erudite, Amity, Abnegation, and Dauntless," Max smiles. "In them we find our administrators and teachers and counselors and leaders and protectors. In them we find our sense of belonging, our sense of community, our very lives." He clears his throat. "Enough of that. Let's get to it. Come forward and get your knife, then make your choice. First up, Zellner, Gregory."
We hold each other's hands tightly as the first boy picks Amity. Another goes and then another. By the time he get's to the R's, our hands have become sweaty and one of us is shaking. I'm not sure who is the one doing it. The Abnegation girl next to Tobias is called before long, she picks Abnegation with no hesitation. They will welcome her with open arms. If we go back a belt will surely be waiting for us. Or worse.
"Eaton, Tobias." I squeeze his hand tightly one last time as Max calls his name and then I let go. Dauntless I think to myself. Please Tobias choose Dauntless. I don't know what I would do if he chooses Abnegation. I don't know if I have the strength to follow him down that path.
Thankfully I will never have to find out, because when he takes that knife, and walks to the bowls, he drops his blood over hot coals. He meets Marcus's eyes as he does it. A sigh of relief escapes me and a loud cheer goes up amongst the Dauntless. They do that every time someone chooses their faction. There are even quiet gasps among the Abnegation. Impressive brother I think as Max calls my name, but I can do better.
I walk up to Max with my head bowed. I am the picture perfect Abnegation. I accept the knife from Max and make my way towards the bowls. I make a small slice on the edge of my palm. There are many nerve ending in the palm and it would make more sense to prick a finger, but it would take too long for enough blood to pool there. And in the end, this is tradition. I hold my palm tightly to my chest and wait a moment for the blood to collect there and then I turn to look Marcus in the eye. His eyes are wide and disbelieving as I let my blood fall onto the coals. His mouth even drops open a little.
An even louder cheer comes from the Dauntless. The murmuring in Abnegation gets a little louder. I walk off the stage with a straight back and my head held high. I am no longer the picture perfect Abnegation, and I don't think I ever was.
...
The Dauntless reach for me, many people seeming as one big black-clothed mass. They greet me with slaps on the back, punches to the arm, with shouts, and a few catcalls. I take it all in stride and move towards my brother. I soon realize that while Dauntless quiets down some I think that it's impossible for them to be completely silent. When I glance at my brother I quickly realize that something is wrong. Blood drips from his hand, slides down his wrist, and drops to the floor. He must have cut himself too deeply with the knife. My cut is already starting to scab over. It will heal much faster than my back.
I turn to face him, my back to the rest of the Choosing Ceremony. "You cut too deeply with the knife," I mutter to him. The Dauntless's quiet chatter and the continuation of the Ceremony provides a nice cover.
"Yeah," he mutters, "I somehow figured that out for myself." I roll my eyes and take the ripped piece of his jacket that he was going to use as a bandage and use it instead to wipe up most of the blood. I rip off a piece of my own jacket and tie it tightly around his palm. "Thanks."
I nod and step back, "I wish that I could say that it was for the last time but..."
He glances around at the people we have just chosen to be our new family, following my gaze, "I know what you mean."
The Ceremony ends then and all of the Dauntless surge upwards, heading for the stairway. Tobias and I are pulled along with them. They take the stairs two or three at a time shouting and shoving and laughing. When we exit the building neither of us are out of breath from anything except excitement. I lost sight of the other initiates, not that I was really looking for them in the first place.
Tobias asks, "Did you see the look on his face?" I know that he means Marcus.
"He looked shocked."
He grins at me, "Stunned actually. We did that you know? For once we pulled the rug out from under him."
I laugh, "Well I suppose the first Abnegation-Dauntless transfers in over a few decades will do that to a person."
Tobias laughs loudly, freely, "Very true."
We have to stop talking then and just focus on running. Though somewhere along the way, we both release our over jackets to the wind. The slightly darker gray blends in with the rest of Dauntless a little better. To get to the station we have to shove through many people. I roll my eyes when my brother starts apologizing. When we get to the platform he turns to me and says, "I don't think I'm loud enough to be Dauntless."
I chuckle, "I think that there are a few types. You could be the silent brooding type."
This time it's him that rolls his eyes and he turns to face the tracks. The test administrator, Tori, sidles up next to us. "You're not bad runners. At least for Abnegation."
"Thanks," my brother says a little too sincerely.
"Yeah, thanks," my voice is much more sarcastic than my brother's.
Tori narrows her eyes a little at me, but I can see that the corners of her mouth turn up a little. She's holding back a smile. "You know what happens next right?" She turns and points at a light in the distance, fixed to the front of an oncoming train. "It's not going to stop. It's just going to slow down a little. And if you don't make it on, that's it for you. Factionless. It's that easy to get kicked out."
We both nod, unsurprised. Of course it's that easy to fail. And of course it's starts right after Choosing. "We expect nothing less from a place nicknamed the Warrior faction," I say to Tori.
She nods, then cocks her head to the side and says, "You both made the right choice coming to Dauntless." I want to ask why, but my brother beats me to the punch.
She shrugs, "You two strike me as people who are ready to fight, that's all."
We share a look. We've been fighting just to stay alive for almost a decade. Why stop now? The trains passes by us then and Dauntless start piling on. We follow Tori and copy her movements as she prepares to jump. I watch closely as she grabs the handle at the edge of the door and uses the momentum to pull herself inside.
My brother turns to look at me briefly and I nod for him to go first. He grabs the handle and yanks himself in. The platform is running out. I need to move quickly. Jumping onto the train, I find, is not that hard. Staying upright, however, is. For my brother at least. When the train begins to turn I keep a tight hold on the wall. My brother doesn't, so when the turn comes and the acceleration soon after, he stumbles and eats it.
A chuckle goes through the train car and I press my lips in a tight line so that I won't laugh as well. "Smooth," one of the Dauntless inside says. He's younger than Tori, with dark skin and an easy smile. "I guess we know who got all the grace in the family."
I smile a little at my brother, but say nothing. He glares at me. Tori speaks up, "Finesse is for Erudite show-offs." Yes, because the Dauntless never show-off. "They made it on the train, Amar, that's what counts."
"They're supposed to be in the other car, though. With the other initiates." He eyes us curiously.
"Would you like us to ride on the top of the train instead?" I ask. My brother shoots me a disbelieving look. I ignore him and hold Amar's gaze.
He laughs, "Watch your bluffs kid. Someone in Dauntless might just ask you to put your money where your mouth is."
"Never said I was."
Amar picks at his nails, "Bluffers rarely do." He stays quiet for a second and then says, "Well I guess that if your friends with Tori, it's okay. What are your names Stiffs?"
The nickname is an annoyance that I plan on dropping as soon as possible. "Mare," I say sternly. Marella was the name of a scared, abused, Abnegation girl. Mare is the name of the strong Dauntless woman I will become.
He nods at that and turns to my brother, "What about you?" I turn to him too and wait for an answer. He pauses longer than I did and finally says, "You can call me Stiff for all I care."
Interesting choice. I can understand not wanting to just go by Tobias. And unfortunately his name is not one that you can get a nickname from easily. Toby is not an acceptable name, not in Dauntless at least. He will have to pick one sooner rather than later though. He won't survive in Dauntless with a name like Stiff. Tori gives him a strange look, but does not announce his name. Even though I'm sure she remembers it. No one says a thing after that so we both turn to look out the train car. As the tracks gain in altitude though, Tobias turns away and sinks down to a crouch.
I frown a little at him and then turn back so that I can watch the scenery flash by. We've done it. We've escaped to our black-clothed haven. Now all we have to do is survive and make names for ourselves here. The train bumps along enough that I decide that it would be a good idea to sit down. I crouch down next to Tobias and let our sides touch slightly. He smiles at me and we lean our heads on each other for a few moments. The contact seems a bit strange, but hopefully it will get easier as time goes on. Here touch is common and something that is done without thought. In Abnegation touch is done sparingly. They prefer married couples to not even hold hands in public. We are free to do as we please in Dauntless. At least I hope so.
...
After a while Amar nudges both of us with his feet. We glance up, "Get up Stiffs. It's almost time to jump."
We stand and my brother swallows, "Jump?" His voice is a little shaky. I wonder if he's scared of heights?
"Yeah." Amar smirks. "This train stops for no one."
My brother clenches his fists so tightly that the fabric bandage soaks red with blood. Tori shoves us both forward. The brief contact on my back is enough to make me wince, but I still catch her next words, "Let the initiates off first!" She shouts it so that the entire car hears.
Ah, so she knows what we must to do survive here. We must make ourselves known. This is the best way to start that. Tobias doesn't see it that way, "What are you doing," he demands.
"I'm doing you a favor!" She calls back.
He glances over at me. I nod sharply, "It's our best option." The fear in his voice and posture is clear. "It'll be quick," I say quiet enough so that only he can hear me.
Tori shoves us towards the opening again and we both grab handles on the sides of the train car. I see now where we have to jump; a rooftop. Tobias shakes next to me and I hook my arm in his. "We'll go together."
He nods, but there's a white ring around his mouth and sweat coats his face. He's truly terrified. He'll need to learn how to control that fear if he is to survive here. I suppose that I will have to learn how to do the same with my fears. Whatever they might be. None of the Dauntless jumping in the cars ahead of us miss. We will not be the first. "Now!" I shout at him and launch forward. He jumps with me. For a few seconds we are weightless and it is glorious. But then gravity grabs a hold and we land on the gravel roof on our knees. The impact is painful for multiple reasons and Tobias lets our a small groan beside me.
"Never again." He mumbles under his breath, "We almost died."
I chuckle, "If that's the last time we almost die today will be lucky." I stand and offer him my hand. He takes it and we proceed to brush the gravel off our now ripped slacks.
"Damn," someone behind us says. "I was hoping we would get to scrape up some Stiff pancakes off the pavement later."
Stiff. That name is going to follow us like a bad smell. I need to get rid of it now. I turn around with every attention of finding the one who said that and punching them in the face. Never mind the fact that I've never punched anyone before in my life. My brother grabs me before I can take a step. "Don't do it Mare. Please. Not here, not now."
I pause and turn back towards him. He is still utterly terrified. I sigh under my breath, but turn back anyway. "There's going to have to be confrontation sometime brother. It is Dauntless after all."
He nods his head, but too quickly, "I know. I know. Just not on a rooftop and not when we have no experience."
"You have a point." I look around then. There is nothing on the roof except for a bunch of Dauntless. How are we going to get off the roof? When Amar jumps up on the far ledge I have my answer. One that Tobias is not going to like. We are going to jump; again.
My brother closes his eyes and grips my arm tightly. I silently offer my strength.
"Welcome to Dauntless!" Amar shouts. "Where you either face your fears and try not to die in the process, or leave a coward." We are no cowards and we will not fail this faction's initiation. "We've got a record low of faction transfers this year, unsurprisingly." The Dauntless around him punch the air and whoop. They are proud of the fact that no one wants to join them. They are proud that their reputation proceeds them.
"The only way to get into the Dauntless compound from this rooftop is to jump off this ledge." He opens his arms and gestures to the empty space behind him. He rocks back and forth on his heels like he's about to fall and then catches himself and grins. Yeah, Dauntless never show off.
"As usual, I offer the opportunity to go first to our initiates, Dauntless-born or not." This is a perfect way to make a name. The first jumper will no doubt be recognized throughout the initiation process. But... I glance over at my brother. His eyes are shut tightly and his head is bowed. He won't be going anytime soon and I refuse to leave him.
The members have already separated from the rest of us. The Dauntless- borns all share a slow look. They are deciding amongst themselves who will go first. The transfers, other than us, include an Erudite boy, an Amity girl, two Candor boys, and one Candor girl. That makes seven total. Not one of them seem eager to go. Then finally a dark-skinned Dauntless-born boy steps up.
One of the girls shouts, "Go Zeke!" He jumps up onto the ledge but miscalculates and tips forward right away. He shouts something unintelligible before falling. The Candor girl gasps and covers her mouth with her hand, but I laugh along with the rest of his Dauntless-born friends. I doubt that that was what he'd imagined in his head, prior to jumping. Even Tobias manages a small smile. He must have opened his eyes at some point. They all line up after and the Erudite and Amity transfers go right behind the Dauntless- borns. We will have to jump sometime or another, but it will probably be last and second to last. Amar cues them to jump at thirty second intervals.
Before long we are the last ones in line. I turn to Tobias and slowly detach myself from him. "I'll see you on the other side brother," I say to him quietly. He nods slightly. I turn to the ledge and step up on it. I can't even see the bottom from here. Amar nods to me. Well, it's now or never. I jump and the wind rushes by me as my stomach leaps into my throat. It is a wonderful feeling. Even better than jumping off the train. The joy, however, is short-lived. My back hits a net and pain rushes through me. I take a deep breath and then roll off. My feet hit a wooden platform and I stand and look around.
I am in a large cavern and there is a dark tunnel with rock walls in front of me. It being underground will make this easier on my brother. Hopefully. I wait on the platform for him. He falls into the net a few minutes later. He rolls out and stands next to me. Max comes over slaps us both on the back and we flinch. "Stiffs! Nice to see that you two made it this far. Go join your fellow initiates. Amar will be down in a second, I'm sure."
We walk down the steps together and stand next the the rest of the transfers, but still slightly separate from them. Old habits die hard. The Amity girl turns to us anyway, "That was surprisingly fun." Well I thought it was, but I don't think that Tobias would agree with me. "I'm Mia. You okay?" That last part was directed more at my brother than me.
"I'm Mare and we're fine." I give her a look that makes her nod and turn away.
"The dude looks like he's about to throw up," one of the Candor boys says. Then he turns to me and looks me up and down, "You, however, look just fine."
I'm about to tell him where he can go with his 'fine', but my brother surprises me by snarling, "Shut up," at him. His eyes widen a little at Tobias's words and tone, and he stay silent. I could get used to this.
Amar drops into the net then and jumps right out of it. He, like me, is ready for the next Dauntless stunt. He brings his hands together in front of him. "My name is Amar. I'm you initiation instructor. I grew up here, and three years ago, I passed initiation with flying colors, which means I get to be in charge of the newcomers for as long as I want. Lucky you.
"Dauntless- borns and transfers do most physical training separately so that the Dauntless- borns don't break the transfers in half right away." They all share conspirators grins. "But we are trying something different this year. The Dauntless leaders and I want to see if knowing your fears before you begin training will better prepare you for the rest of initiation. So before we go into the dining hall to have dinner, we're going to do some self-discovery. Follow me."
"What if I don't want to discover myself?" Zeke asks. A good way to get yelled at. Though I find that it isn't even necessary, in this case. All Amar shoots him is a look and Zeke backs down immediately. I catalog that look away for later. Tobias's 'shut up' probably won't work again.
He leads us down the tunnel and stops at a door built into the wall. He opens it with his shoulder. It's then that I notice the cameras. Just like the rest of the city. Our mother always taught us to be aware of them. Sometimes she would see one and wave to it. Just so that whoever was watching knew that she knew. Not as free as I thought then. I nudge Tobias and he glances at me.
I jerk my head sharply to the camera and he looks at it quickly, "They're probably all over the place," he whispers in my ear.
I nod, "We should keep a lookout for them."
He nods and we follow everyone else into the room. It's lit with flickering fluorescent light and the ceiling drips with water in one corner. We are in a cave after all. In the middle of the room is a machine that looks like the one from the aptitude test. There are cameras in every corner. Great.
"This is the fear landscape room," Amar announces without looking up from the machine. "A fear landscape is a simulation in which you confront your worst fears." Marcus armed with his belt and rage filled expression enters my mind. I share a knowing look with my brother. Fantastic. There is a table lined with multiple large syringes next to the machine. Ah, so this time it won't be a drink of unknown liquid to make this work.
"How is that possible?" The Erudite boy asks. "You don't know our worst fears."
"Eric, right?" Amar says. "Your're correct, I don't know your worst fears, but the serum I am going to inject you with will stimulate the parts of your brain that process fear, and you will come up with the simulation obstacles yourself, so to speak. In this simulation, unlike in the aptitude test simulation, you will be aware that what you are seeing is not real." I frown a little at the way he says it. I bet that that is something that sets apart Divergents from the rest of the population. People who cannot be duped so easily have always been considered dangerous by their leaders.
"Meanwhile, I will be in this room, controlling the simulation, and I get to tell the program embedded in the simulation serum to move on to the next obstacle once your heat rate reaches a certain level- once you calm down, in other words, or face your fear in a significant way. When you run out of fears, the program will terminate and you will 'wake up' in that room again with a greater awareness of your own fears." I wonder how many times the same fear can manifest in a different way? If it is an unlimited amount, I suspect that I will be here a while. Right alongside my brother.
He picks up one of the syringes and beckons to Eric. "Allow me to satisfy your Erudite curiosity," he says. "You can go first."
"But-"
"But, " Amar says smoothly, "I am your initiation instructor, and it is in your best interest to do as I say." Eric stands there for a moment and then takes off his jacket and folds it. He takes his time just to spite Amar I suspect. Probably not his smartest plan.
As I suspected Amar retaliates; he jabs the needle into Eric's neck savagely. I think I enjoy the sight a little too much. Eric goes into the middle of the room and waits. Amar attaches himself to the machine and starts it.
Eric stands still and his fists clench tightly. The only sign that it works comes from that and the heart rate monitor. It rises and rises as fear takes over.
"What's going on?" Mia asks us. "Is the serum working?"
"Yes," I say quietly. At the same time Tobias nods. Silent type for sure.
Watching Eric go through his fear landscape is a strange experience. He doesn't move, not really. He does tremble occasionally, but then rights himself, as if correcting his mistake.
His heart rate rises and falls eleven more times. He has twelve fears. The Dauntless- borns for once, are quiet. No normal act does something like that. We will have to keep an eye on Eric. He has proved himself to be a worthy foe.
...
It takes hours for the other initiates to go through their fears. Some fight, jump, tackle, and aim invisible weapons at equally invisible fears. Sometimes someone will even curl up in a small ball and cry. No one goes through it like Eric did. It makes me wonder if he's done it before in Erudite. And if so why would it be allowed if not for some devious reason. They are dismissed from the room as they finish.
As the third to last person goes I turn to my brother and hold up a flat palm with my fist over it. It is an invitation to play a game I once saw some Amity kids play when we were younger. We haven't done it in years though.
He gives me a look that says as much, but I just say, "To see who goes next."
After a moment he shrugs, "Why not."
We play three rounds quickly and he wins two of them. I sigh, "I guess that means I go first. Right?"
"You're the one that suggested it."
I nod and turn back to the center of the room. It takes the initiate a while longer to finish up. He leaves and Amar turns towards us, picking up a syringe. "Who's next?"
I take a deep breath and step forward. "Lost a bet?"
I snort, "Basically."
Amar nods and slowly plunges the syringe into my neck. It feels like a pinch, but the pain is certainly bearable. I walk to the center of the room and look into the mirror on the wall. So that's what everyone sees when they look at me. An Abnegation girl clothed in gray, with pain hidden deeply in her dark blue eyes. I straighten myself up and will the pain away.
I blink and when I open my eyes I am standing in the factionless wasteland in between Erudite and Dauntless. I turn confused and people appear before me. Max, Amar, Tori, the other initiates, and even more Dauntless that I don't recognize. My brother is there too.
"What am I doing here?" They all stand apart from me and my back is to the factionless. This entire thing is giving me an uneasy feeling.
"You are here Mare," Max starts, "because you have failed Dauntless initiation." Fear slides into my gut like a knife.
No. "You are being banished to the factionless." The fears spread throughout my entire body. I can feel in it my fingertips.
"No, but I-I can't have failed already. I haven't even gone through initiation yet!" My voice is desperate and I don't like it. I glance around hoping that someone will meet my eyes and tell me that this is all a bad dream.
Amar shakes his head, "Just go Mare. Don't make this more pathetic than it already is." Pathetic. It's a word I often heard from Marcus, so of course it will show up here.
I look to my brother, his eyes are sad and defeated. "Please brother," I beg.
He shakes his head like Amar did and looks away, "I'm sorry Mare, but I can't do anything. You failed."
YoufailedYoufailedYoufailedYoufailedYoufailedYoufailedYoufailedYoufailedYoufailedYoufailedYoufailedYoufailedYoufailed
The words repeat too many times to count and then an invisible force starts shoving me backwards, towards the factionless, towards banishment. Everyone turns away, even Tobias. "No. No! NO!" I scream. It just shoves me harder. I shake my head over and over again. No, no, no, this can't be happening. This can't be happening. I haven't even gone through initiation yet.
I dig my heels into the ground with as much force as I can muster. "I. Did. Not. Fail." I say loudly. "And I will not fail." Amar must think that I've sufficiently faced my fear after that, because it ends and a new one appears.
Walls close in on all sides and trap me. Panic surges in my chest and I bang on the walls as hard as I can. It doesn't budge in the slightest and if anything gets smaller. My breathing gets rougher and I can feel my heartbeat in every part of me. No matter what I do I can't get out. I can't get out. I can't move.
Ican'tmoveIcan'tmoveIcan'tmoveIcan'tmoveIcan'tmoveIcan'tmoveIcan'tmoveIcan'tmoveIcan'tmoveIcan'tmoveIcan'tmove
This fear comes from Marcus shoving us both into the hall closet. We never knew how long we would be stuck in there. I could never get us out. I need to think through my panic, but the box just keeps getting smaller. I need to focus on something or I will never get out of here. I start counting backwards from 1,000 because I remember once reading that it helps distract people who are having panic attacks. My breathing doesn't start slowing down until 868. My heartbeat soon follows, but the box doesn't fall away until 803.
I stretch some. The panic and small space made my muscles tight. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to do this. The idea of going through at least ten more should be a fear within itself. Images slowly piece themselves together around me and I realize where I am. Our old Abnegation home. Which means Marcus. Terror strikes me like lightning.
He stalks down the stairs slowly, the belt dragging behind him. NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo.
The fear is stronger now than both times combined. "This is for your own good." NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo.
His voice washes over me like oil and drowns me in it's stickiness. I back up until I hit the front door. "No, no, no. Please Dad. I won't misbehave again." My voice is that of a child's.
He laughs and brings the belt down. Only it changes mid swing into barbed wire. The pain is instant and slicing and worse than any I've ever felt before. I scream and scream and scream. I thought I got away. I didn't. I failed. But did I fail? No, I got away. I chose Dauntless.
I throw up my bloody useless hand and hit him with the little strength I have left. "I got away from you." I shout weakly. "You can never touch me again." He backs up as if my hit really did something and the barbed wire goes back to a belt. I stand slowly, painfully, and finally face him. "You have no power over me."
He disappears and the fear ends. I sigh with relief, wanting to collapse. I have no idea what to expect next. Then I see them: Marcus and Tobias. The familiar sight of Marcus bringing down that belt, fills me with more anger than fear. I lunge for him. I crash into an invisible wall. "No," I shout. "No, no! Stop." I smack into the wall again and again, but it throws me back harder each time. The anger turns to desperation and I fight harder. That desperation turns into fear. Fear that this time Marcus will actual kill him.
Tobias screams and blood sprays from his back as he collapses. "No," the word leaves me in a strangled whisper. Marcus killed him and I have failed. I thought that I would by angry. I just feel numb.
That fear ends as well, but I'm not entirely sure if I did it. I just shut my eyes tightly. Maybe Amar took pity on me. I don't blame him. I think I'll just consider myself thankful and be glad that we truly did get away from him. After that I dare to hope that it's all over. What could be worse than watching Marcus kill my brother and me not being able to do a damn thing about it? I get my answer soon enough.
When I open my eyes I am in a dark room lit only by one bright light. It shines over my brother and me? But I glance down at my body. It's still there and I am standing in the dark a few feet away. I reach out my hand and it is stopped my another invisible force. I will have to watch and be useless, again.
The other me laughs then and says something I can't understand. That laugh reminds me too much of Marcus's. My brother steps back shocked, his eyes are wide and hurt. He looks younger, than he is now. Only about 13 or 14. I look to be older. 18 at least. What going on? What did I say? The other me just swigs her fist and hits my brother in the jaw. He crumples to the floor.
"No!" I scream. "What are you doing? Don't touch my brother!"
The other me turns and faces me. I have never looked so much like Marcus. The eyes, the posture, it's all the same. The only difference is that Marcus never smiled. I'm smiling. "What are you talking about?" She asks me. "I am you. This is what's going to happen. This is how much you care about your brother. " A belt appears in her hand and she turns away. She, I, brings the belt down on my brother full force. On his face.
A strangled gasp leaves me and the belt comes down again and again and again.
Tobias begs me to stop, "Please sister, stop. Stop please. What did I do? I won't do it again. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He tries to back away from me, but I just kick him. And then I kick him again. My brother coughs and shudders. Red trickles down his lips and onto the floor, as he tries to drag himself away. I can only watch as I keep kicking and hitting him.
I can only watch with horror as I continue to kill him. And then the belt disappears and I think that this, this torture is over. Though I don't think that torture is a strong enough word for what's happening right now. A gun appears in its place. The sight of it, the knowledge of knowing exactly what it does; it stirs something inside of me. "I am not you!" I scream. I fight against that invisible force with all my strength. It breaks away and I lunge for them. But I am too late. The gun goes off and my brother slumps over the fight leaving him completely. I scream and knock into the other me with full force. But I was too late. I have failed.
...
When that fear ended I know that it's all over. I know that I am back in the fear landscape room in both mind and body. But I have to keep my eyes shut and fists clenched. Terror is still coursing through me and I have to take a few more deep breaths, before I'm able to open my eyes. The first thing I see is my brother standing in front of me, eyes wide. He looks like he wants to touch me, but isn't sure how. I hug him first and he stiffens then relaxes and hugs me back.
"Damn," we hear behind us. We break away and I see Amar staring at us with pity in his eyes. But not nearly as much as I thought he would show. I guess he knows now. We're just two initiates with messed-up childhoods. "I-I wow." He shakes his head slowly, "I hate to say this, after what I just saw- after what I'm going to see- but he's gotta go next."
My brother stiffens again, but nods. I turn to him, "Remember that it's not real and that," I swallow, "I'll be here when it's over." He nods and I step away so the Amar can plunge the needle into his neck. Like me he didn't flinch. Some of the other initiates got teary eyed before it, but no one outright refused. "Be brave," I whisper and watch as he goes into the simulation. I take this time to consider my own fears. I don't think that I can watch Tobias go through his without throwing up.
My first fear was that of failing initiation. The way I faced it was probably the best way to do it. Stubbornness; an absolute refusal to accept failure no matter what. That fear of failing initiation will probably change into a fear of failing something else, later on.
The second fear will likely never change. Failure to get out of that closet for most of my childhood will fuel it for some years to come.
I'm unsure about how that third fear will evolve. I'm sure to get physically strong enough to no longer have to fear him, but some part of me probably always will. No matter how strong I get, a part of me will always be that abused little girl from Abnegation. The forth fear has the same logic. No matter how strong Tobias gets I will always fear not being able to protect him. Though that fear might shift away from Marcus, to other ways in which I have to watch him die. All because I failed to protect him.
And that last one? I'm not even sure if fear is a strong enough word for that experience. It would be the ultimate failure on my part; to lose myself so much that I'm willing to hurt and or kill Tobias. That fear will always stay with me. It might even get worse. I am in Dauntless, training to lose my reservations about causing people pain after all. Not that I had many to begin with. It occurs to me then, that I only have five fears. All of the other initiates had 10 or more. I wonder what the record is?
I'm brought out of my reverie by Amar's voice, "That's it Stiff? That's all there is? God, and I thought that five was impressive."
I walk over to my brother and help him to his feet. Amar's staring at both of us, "You know that y'all's fear amounts combined is less than the average right? That's just," he looks disbelieving, "it's just, insane."
"Well," I say, "It's sure to give us a name."
Amar snorts then says casually, "We should come up with another name for your brother here. Something tougher than Stiff."
"What like Blade or something?"
"Nah, I was thinking more along the lines of Killer."
I laugh and my brother rolls his eyes. "Oh, you two just think your hilarious. Can we go to dinner now? I'm starving." The reminder makes my stomach grumble.
Amar nods, "Yeah sounds good." He leads us both out then says, "I wouldn't want to tell people my name either. Your sister's must be a nickname."
I nod, "Short for Marella. And I'll trust you to keep that name under wraps, since I don't want to start going by Five." We make eye contact and he nods a little. He picked up on my subtext. My brother needs the glory here, not me. If my brother picks up on what I just did, he doesn't say anything. We follow Amar to the dining hall silently.
...
We enter the large dining hall and Amar leads us to the initiate table. The rest of Dauntless are loud and rambunctious. It would be easy to get lost amongst them. We both sit down in empty chairs next to each other. Amar doesn't immediately leave.
Eric turns to us, "Jeez, Stiffs. You two look like you're about to faint." The Candor boy who didn't hit on me grins.
"You all made it out alive," Amar says. "Congratulations. You made it through the first day of initiation, with varying degrees of success." He looks at Eric, "None of you did as well as Mare though. And certainly not as well as Four." He points at my brother as he speaks. Tobias looks surprised. Good, he didn't pick up on that subtle exchange between me and Amar.
"Hey Tori," Amar calls over his shoulder. "You ever hear of anyone having only four fears in their fear landscape?"
"Last I heard, the record was seven or eight. Why?" Tori calls back.
"I've got a transfer over here with only four fears." Amar points to Tobias.
"That's got to be a new record," Tori says. "Is Mare much farther behind?"
Amar grins, "Not in the slightest." Then he turns to us, "Well done you two," and walks over to Tori's table.
Every initiate is staring at us wide-eyed. We are no longer Stiffs. We are no longer people to just step on to get farther ahead. We are people to respect and maybe even fear. The fear landscape has given us that much at least. Eric narrows his eyes then, "What's your real names again? Starts with and an E..." He trails off, as if he has information he hasn't quite decided what to do with yet. He'll probably wait for the best moment possible to reveal it. I'm sure my brother has every intention of preventing that. I will help him.
The others may vaguely remember our names from the Choosing Ceremony. Like we do theirs, but I want them to be aware that it will be better for their health's sake to forget it quickly.
Tobias leans his elbows on the table and says, "My name's Four. Call me Stiff again and you and I will have a problem."
Eric turns to me and raises his eyebrows, "So I can't call him Stiff, but what should I call you?"
"Mare," I make my voice cold, "Call me anything else and you will have an even bigger problem on your hands." I hold his gaze until he turns away, rolling his eyes. But the message is clear. We are not to be underestimated. We are not Abnegation Stiffs any longer. We are Dauntless. And we are ready to fight.
I know that that was a really long chapter, but there was no satisfying way to break it up. Most chapters probably won't be this long. Expect them to be between 5,000 and 8,000 words.