Bandages & Scars
Part 5 of I'm bent, I'm not broken
Hey guys, I am almost done with this mini-series. I hope you have enjoyed it even though it has been a while. All the other parts are in book 1.
George's p.o.v
"Hey Jordon, please come out," I tell my boyfriend. He has locked himself into our bedroom after being discharged from the hospital about a week ago. "No George. You should have left a week ago and gone back to Asia. She is way more attractive than I will ever be," Jordon tells me. I shake my head as I get comfortable on the floor. "Since when did that ever bother me Jordon. I am scarred too, so is Danny, Jorel and Matt. No one in the band or the fan base is gonna judge you for that," I tell him. Even though I know for a fact he is not going to believe me. All of us who have been scarred have been in his exact position. On the floor with the door locked with you're other half trying their best to convince you life is worth living.
"I told you that," Jordon replies, and I thought that maybe I was starting to get through to him. I know he told me that and I know that only Danny was scarred when he told me that. "I know babe. You told me when I was in your position. It seems like it is so bleak right now, but it well get better," I tell him. there is no use trying to get the door to open now. Jordon will do it when he is ready and hopefully I can pull him through this depressive rut he is currently going through. "Are you sure about that?" he asks, and it echoes the conversation I had with him when I was first discharged from the hospital so long ago. "Yes Jordon. I am one hundred percent sure on it," I tell him. I hope it was enough to get that lock to click and the door to open.
I think I waited about five or ten minutes before I heard the click I was waiting for and I almost fell through the door when Jordon opened it to throw his arms around me and sobs into my chest. "It's going to be just fine Jordon. I promise you it will be all okay," I tell him, wrapping my arms around him and rocking him as he sobs. We stay like that for as long as it is going to take to get Jordon to naturally calm down. I was not going to force him to stop crying because I want him to get all of his emotions out. I held Jordon in my arms and just kept repeating soothing words until he naturally calmed down. "What did I do to deserve you George?" he asks me, I had wiped his tears when I knew he had stopped crying.
"You showed me love. You stayed by my side when you could have abandoned me and you're the best boyfriend a man could ever asked for," I tell him. I was being one hundred percent honest with Jordon as I had no reason to lie to the younger man. We go to the living room and I put his favourite movie on. Today is going to be the day where it is all about Jordon and what he likes and what is favourite foods and movies and TV shows as well as snacks. I am going to show Jordon that life is worth living. I had been talking to Matt to pick up some tips on how he managed to get Danny out of his depression. I know I should not be basing how I help Jordon on how Matt helped Danny, but it is going to be worth it.
I give Jordon his favourite throw blanket and a bowl of pretzel snacks. I was going to leave to get the ingredients to make Jordon his favourite dinner, but he pulled me down and I knew by the look on his face that I was needed at home. "Don't worry I will stay here Jordon," I tell him, and I sit next to him on the couch. "Good, I need my George," he tells me, and I smile. I was so glad that I was able to get through to him after a week of trying my hardest. At least I could make an order online to get the groceries I needed to me quickly enough. "I love you Jordon. Don't you ever forget that," I tell him, and I kiss him on the cheek. It was not always the appropriate moment to kiss him on the lips. Jordon smiles and kisses me on the cheek.
"I love you too George. I hope you remember that no matter how stupid I am," Jordon tells me. I shake my head because I know in my head he is not stupid whatsoever, but he is not going to believe me if I tried. "You're always going to be my loveable idiot," I tell him. That was probably going to be the only way that I would compromise with him. He grins and I smile back. I know the grin probably hurt from the healing scars on his face, but we have pain killers to deal with that problem. Jordon traces the scars on my face, and I trace the scars on his. At least his mask hides his and we can still see his beautiful blue eyes which made me fall in love with him. I place my hands in the way that hides the scars and look into his eyes.
"You're still an incredibly sexy man to me Jordon," I tell him. His scar would have just been the line that goes across under his eyes and over his nose. That was not enough to satisfy the gang this time who carved the LA part from his mask into his left cheek and one of the buildings. It does make it harder for Jordon to accept himself, but I know that I will get him to accept himself for who he is eventually. "If only that were true," he replies, and I kiss him on the lips. It effectively silenced him, and he kissed me back straight away. "Would I have kissed you if it were false?" I ask. He shakes his head and wraps his arms around my neck. We settle down on the couch and then continue watching Jordon's favourite TV show until something else happened.
Jordon hadn't been sleeping that well, that much I knew for sure when I looked at his face for the first time when he opened the door. He had fallen asleep after a while, so I put something else on TV. That way he would not miss any episodes he hasn't watched yet. The delivery came while he was asleep as well, so I dealt with it and started the early preparations for dinner. Considering I had only just gotten Jordon to open up to me and he was comfortable for the moment, I don't want to waste that time making dinner. I was back with Jordon on the couch before he had even stirred. I wrap my arms around him and smile as he snuggles up closer to me. I am glad I can comfort my love when he needs me the most.
I was also texting Steve for guidance. Steve is mine and Danny's therapist and he has been instrumental to our mental health recovery. Matt and Jorel decided not to use therapists, but Steve would always take them in if they wanted him. We were talking about my next session and I told him about what happened to Jordon last week and he suggested that I bring him along. He would not have to tell Steve anything if he felt too uncomfortable, but the option would always be there if he had the confidence to. It might help him feel better if he talks to someone other than his friends or family where there could be the expectation of he has to be okay even if he is not feeling okay and he is depressed.
Steve has this skill where we could be really defensive and not willing to open up, but he will make us feel as safe as we could possibly be and then tell him everything that is wrong with us and how our feelings are validated and how we can safely deal with them. Steve was telling me that I was doing the best I could do right now with Jordon. The fact that I had managed to convince him to leave our bedroom was an achievement in itself. I should be proud of what I have done so far today and just keep going and see what develops as the afternoon goes on. The next thing we should do is just take things in the moment and not focus on how every perceives we should be doing at this point in time.
For some reason society dictates that we should be back to normal one week after a traumatic event happens and I am not about that life. We're going to take our time and just go at our own pace which seems to work better for us. I know it is going to take some convincing to get Jordon to come with me. He would probably ask me if he could go and spend some time with the others while I go to my therapy session. I wouldn't mind if I didn't want him to come with me, so he has another avenue to vent his feelings out too that isn't his boyfriend. Jordon wakes up after an hour of me messaging Steve and he smiles at me. "Had a good nap there love?" I ask him. He nods and stretches, which to me was adorable.
"Yeah, it was even better with you there," he tells me. I think my conversation with Steve was done for now. He told me to not be afraid to let someone else know how this situation is affecting me because it is not only Jordon's mental health to take into consideration here. If I need to take time to talk to Steve or someone else then I would do it. Speaking of someone else, Jorel had sent me a message and I hadn't opened it yet. "That's good, feel free to change what's on the TV. I had changed it after you had fallen asleep so you wouldn't miss any episodes you hadn't watched yet," I tell him. I love the smile on his face as he searches for the show again. How did I find someone so perfect for me?
Jorel: Hey, had any luck yet?
Me: Yeah, managed to get him to come out of the room at least spend some time with me
Jorel: That's brilliant George. Let me know if you need anything
Me: Thanks Jay. For now we're just relaxing and watching television. Gonna build his confidence back slowly.
Jorel: You're welcome. That sounds like a plan to me. Jord needs all the love and hugs he's gonna get.
Me: Yeah, doing the things we had help us when we went through this helps.
Jorel: Definitely, let any of us know if you and Jordon need anything and we will be right there
Me: Thanks Jay, will do
The conversation stopped there, and I got up to get us both some drinks. Jordon pouted, but I promised that I was going to be back as soon as I could and that we need something to drink. "Yay you're back," he tells me, when I returned two minutes later with the drinks. I chuckle and sit down next to him. "I only took two minutes Jordon. It wasn't that long," I tell him. I wrap one arm around him and watch whatever show he is still watching with the drink in my hand. I look around the room and see the framed canvas on our living room wall from Danny. God bless that blondie; he did not have to buy that for us. He had bough us a second one as a thank you for when we took care of him when Matt was in the hospital.
"So, when do you think we should pay Danny back for the painting he has bought us," Jordon asks. It had been something I had been considering. He even brought us food while Jordon was in hospital. He is getting along with life a lot better now he is used to being blind in one eye. "Soon, maybe we should discuss it with Matt a little bit and then see what we can get and when we can give it to him. He didn't have to bring us our favourite fast and takeaways while we were in hospital," I tell him. I had considered what we could do with the super amazing friend for payback. "I'll text Matt and see what we can do," Jordon says, and I felt pride. This is a complete 180 on yesterday and I could not be prouder.
"That's good. I'm proud of you Jordon. You've completed so many baby steps today," I tell him. He looks up at me as if he couldn't quite believe me. He has done really well though, I am not expecting him to open up about his feelings today, but he has come out of our room and we have talked. Even distracting ourselves by talking about how we are going to pay Danny back all helps with the recovery process. "Thanks George," He tells me. Sometimes I wonder how Jordon exists, because he is just too perfect. He is going through hell right now, but in a few days he'll be trying to do things for me or spoil me with something when it should be me spoiling him. I will try my best to be the one who spoils the over and shower them in all the love and attention they could possibly deserve.
I had already looked online and found the perfect gift for Jordon and ordered it. It should arrive in a couple of days. I can't wait to see his reaction to it when it arrives. "Now, would you like some dinner?" I ask Jordon. It was getting to that time of day where we have dinner, so I thought it would be the perfect time to ask. "Yeah sure," he tells me, and lets me get up to put what I had already prepared into the oven to cook. I didn't want Jordon to see what the meal was going to be until it was time for us to eat. I walk back into the living room after putting the meal in the oven and Jordon was surprised. "Damn that was quick," he tells me, and I smile. It was worth it to do all the preparation when he was napping.
"Yeah, I did all the prep for it when you were napping earlier so that I could spend more time with you," I tell him. He hugs me tightly and I know that was worth it. He just needed to realise that I am here for him and that I am not going anywhere so that he feels safe in the swamp of uncertainty that is his brain right now. "Thanks George. Sorry for being an asshole and locking myself in our room for a week," he tells me. I had been sleeping on the sofa and I thought he wouldn't have noticed that, then again there wasn't really an alternative because our guest bed is broken. "Don't apologise Jordon. I know that this has not been easy, and it won't be easy. I made a promise to myself when you were in hospital that I would look after you like you looked after me back when I was going through this," I tell him.
I was being honest with him as well. I had made that promise to myself while we were in the hospital for those three days. "You really are a god," he tells me. I chuckle at him calling me a god. I was only joking about being in god when I have mentioned it in songs. "You're more of a god," I tell him, trying to boost his confidence a little bit. He smiles at me, and then we cuddle until I knew dinner was ready. There was no point in making the dinner table look all fancy because we are not going to be using it. We are going to be lazy and eat in the living room with the plates on our lap. "Oh my god George, you didn't have to make this for me. I would have settled for like fish and fries or something," he tells me when I bring the plates through.
"I totally had to do it Jordon. I knew this was your favourite meal and it took me less than half an hour to prep when you were sleeping. The next few days are all about spoiling you," I tell him. I hand him his plate and then sit down next to him with mine and we eat in a comfortable silence. He was probably going to deny me any opportunity to spoil him now he knows that is my plan. "I take it that means you aren't going to let me do the dishes for at least a week then," Jordon says, once he had finished his meal. Ahh he has finally learned. "Yep, a straight ban on doing the dishes for a week so you can relax, and I mean it Terrell," I tell him. He laughs when I use his surname. I am happy that I got him laughing.
I did the dishes, chuckling to myself as Jordon says, "I hope you don't take too long doing those dishes cause I need my hugs, and I mean it Ragan." I am more than willing to fulfil that order of hugs from Jordon. I have an idea of how to do it to make him laugh again too. I am just going to find all of the stupid ways to make Jordon laugh and do them. "I have an order of hugs for a Mr Jordon Terrel," I say when I walk back in, with a complete fake waiter voice which sent Jordon to the floor in fits of laughter. I sit down on the couch and wait for him to calm down so we could have the hugs that he asked for. He eventually calmed down, after I did what all good boyfriends to and film him laughing on the floor and use the same voice to make him laugh in the first place to ask him why he is laughing and then send it to all our friends.
3 weeks later
Today is my appointment with Steve where I have finally convinced Jordon to come along with me to see what it is like at no extra cost to me. Steve has been looking forward to meeting him today and we will both gently attempt to get him to open up at least a little bit. "Don't worry about today Jordon. You don't have to speak to him if you don't want to and he is not going to judge you for your scars," I tell him. We have slowly been getting more and more comfortable leaving the house to go to different places. We can make it to the store and back now, but only at night when there aren't many people around. I get how he feels though because I know for a fact I was the same way when I was going through this.
Luckily it is winter and surprisingly for Los Angeles it is cold. That mean it was the perfect opportunity to give him a present I was originally saving for Christmas, but a month early is fine. I had it wrapped because I have it organised in advanced. Basically I am a weirdo who buys the presents in the sales and keeps them for like 12 months. It's Danny's birthday in a week and I already have his present already to go. I hand Jordon the present and wait patiently for Jordon to open it and then see his reaction to the gift. "George, what is it with you and doing amazing things I keep not expecting," he tells me and then hugs me tightly. He puts it on and then I could imagine him grinning now he can hide his scars.
"I'm just treating you with the love and care that you deserve," I tell him. Now I feel more confident about this appointment going well. It probably would have gone well regardless of the tube neck scarf, but it would have taking me a lot more effort to convince him to leave. Today is going to be a good day. Regardless of how the appointment goes we are going to have a date somewhere nice and I can prove to him how much I love him. I mean I prove to him how much I love him every single day, but I want to show it more today. It is going to be one of the hardest days he has had in a while, he will hear me telling Steve about my feelings and then he has the opportunity to do the same. You spend so much time trying to push the memories down and then you have to bring them back up in front of a stranger.
I can understand why so many people chose not to do it. Danny was terrified of opening up to a stranger until I had done it. "I don't have to talk to Steve this time if I don't want to right?" Jordon asks me while were in the car. I was happy that he was at least comfortable to ask me this. "You don't have to talk to Steve if you aren't comfortable with it. Neither of us will force you into it," I tell him. It might work better if he is comfortable and knows that nothing is expected of him. I don't want him to be sitting there while I talk to Steve with this anxiety building up that once I have finished my session that he has to talk to Steve and say everything that is worrying him. I thought all of the gang had been caught before Jordon's attack but apparently not.
It does make me worry about Dylan and if he will be attacked or now that the police are after them they will finally end their senseless violence. Part of me doubts it, but I would never admit it to anyone. I feel like I have to keep up this act of being the super optimistic one. Jordon holds my hand tightly when we arrive at the therapists office and I hold his gently to reassure him. I didn't want to hurt him. I tell the lady at the reception desk that I am here to see Steve and so was Jordon. He technically has an hour slot after me, but it is up to him if he takes it or not. Steve is putting it as a free taster session if you would call it that. He offers anyone their first session with him for free to see if counselling is for them.
He is also very nice when it comes to payment and will often give us free sessions if he feels like we are struggling a lot and payment would be a factor driving us away and possible doing something we would regret later. "Come in gentlemen," he tells us. We had been sitting in the waiting room for less than five minutes. Jordon was definitely more nervous now that we were in the room. We are going through the full experience today, so he knows what to expect. He sits on a chair while I lounge on the couch. It is quite relaxing once you get used to it. One of the first sessions Danny had while we still had joint sessions ended with him falling asleep on the couch he found it so comfortable. Maybe Jordon would find it that comfortable.
"Morning George, how have you been doing since our last session?" Steve asks me. I could see Jordon out the corner of my eye visibly relax at Steve's tone. "Morning, I've been doing well thanks Steve," I reply, and we go into more detail about how I have been doing and using the coping techniques when situations arise. We did mention Jordon's attack in the way of how I felt when I had heard the news that the same gang who attacked me had attacked Jordon and all my feelings when I was in in the hospital with him. None of this was aimed at making Jordon feel bad, we knew none of this was his fault. Steve was taking notes and I knew there was a plan forming in his had to help him introduce Jordon to how he does his sessions.
We reached the end of my session and I was nervous to see how Jordon was going to react to it being his turn. He seemed okay, but I wasn't sure of how much of his reaction was him hiding his true feelings. "Hi Jordon, as you know my name is Steve and it is nice to meet you," Steve says, and I stand up to let Jordon lay where I was or sit if he so choses. He decides to lay down which surprised me, but I know how comfortable it is. "Nice to meet you Steve," Jordon says. I am proud of him already and he has only said a few words. This is already going better than I expected it to go. Then again I went into it with no expectations. I just want him to feel happy with this whole thing really. I am worried that I am forcing him into something too soon.
"Now I want to reassure you that I am not going to be angry or feel anything negative if you decide that you can't talk to me today. It is also up to you if you want George in the room or not," Steve tells him. I am more than happy to step out of the room if he wants the privacy to talk to Steve. We do give him a good amount of time to let him consider all of the options available before he says anything. I don't want him to rush into any decisions because it's important that he is happy and comfortable before the next steps happen. I also am not going to go too far if he does want me out of the room just in case he suddenly changes his mind and texts me that he needs me back in the room with him.
The start of the session was good for Jordon and I was still in the room. They just talked a little bit about themselves to get to know each other more before Jordon starts getting personal with Steve. That bit I am probably going to need to be out of the room and I would not mind one bit. After about half an hour it was time for me to leave the room. Jordon almost reconsidered right there and then, but I kissed him and told him he could do this, and I was only one phone call or text message away if he really needed me. Hopefully that will be the confidence he needs. It felt weird leaving the room considering that we have practically glued to the hip since the incident happened even if he spend a week locked in our bedroom.
I was texting Danny and updating him on how the session was going. He was amazed at how well Jordon has been doing and couldn't wait for us all to meet up again next week to start recording more songs. I am quite desperate by now to get back into the studio and back to some form of normality and I am hoping Jordon is too. I am not going to rush if he isn't though. I would stay back home with him if he needed me to. I'll do whatever it takes to make Jordon happy and comfortable with life again. At least now I have a little bit more time to plan the date instead of making it up on the spot like I usually do. Something tells me I probably should have given myself a little more time to plan this date.
Then again, the date is not going to be too long anyways. We are only going to have lunch, then go to the store to pick up some things for another movie night. I think the self-care is needed after Jordon telling Steve whatever he is telling him right now. I found a cute little sandwich place which would be open for lunch and that is where I plan to go after the session is over. Half an hour later, Jordon comes out of the room and straight into my arms. "I'm so proud of you baby," I whisper, as I hug him and rock him to the side slightly. We are slowly walking towards the door. Jordon slowly moved off me and held my hand tightly. I felt bad because he had been crying, but he didn't ask for me to comfort him.
"I told him more than I was expecting too," Jordon tells me, I smiled because it sounded like it had helped him a little bit. "That's good Jordon. Steve is good at getting information out when you don't expect him to," I tell him. I also know it is not a case of we are telling him stuff to make the session end, we genuinely want the help that he is offering us. I kiss him on the cheek, and he blushes. "Do you feel any better now you have met and spoken to Steve?" I ask him. I want to know if it was worth it and that I have not pushed him too far too soon. "Actually, I do. He made me feel like all my emotions were valid and how I can deal with them better than I have been doing," he tells me, and I hold back a cheer.
"That's really good. You can always talk to him over messages or talk to me if you feel comfortable enough. I am incredibly proud of you and now we're gonna have lunch and relax for the rest of the day," I tell him, and he grins. I think it was for the best that we just get home after lunch and stay there for the rest of the day. I don't want to tell him too many times that I am proud of him in case he decides that I am doing it too much to make him feel better and that I don't actually mean it. Hopefully he realises that I mean everything that I tell him. I love him so much and he means the world to me and I hope one day I can show him. "Sounds like a plan," Jordon tells me, and leans over to kiss me.
I kiss him back and grin. Today is going perfectly and I love how happier Jordon seems to be after our two hour session with Steve. Lunch went well, the café was better than I expected it to be and we had quite possibly the best lunch date we have ever had since getting together. The rest of the day is going to be Jordon's to control and whatever we are going to do is up to him. We go to Walmart and get all the snacks and drinks we could possibly need. We also spend at least ten minutes looking in the movie charts. If we find a movie that we like, and both want to watch then we are going to buy it or rent it if we can find it cheaper elsewhere. Unfortunately, we can't find anything we like but we bought the snacks and drinks regardless.
We did find a movie that we did like and spend most of our afternoon flicking through different movies. I made dinner while Jordon relaxed, and we just had a good time in each other's company not worrying about our scars and in just pure love with each other which is what I wanted. Nothing and no one else mattered now. It was just me and him at home in our apartment enjoying some quality time together. This was a million times better than I planned today going and I didn't even expect it to go as far as it did as we lay in bed later that night completely naked after a round of passionate love making. I am not going to complain though, it was perfect, and I could not have found a better boyfriend.
And that is the end of another one shot! I hope you enjoyed and I'll see you next time.
8 Page