CHAPTER 1: Sinful
"We are on our own side"
Those where the last memories that were clear in his head. After that, everything was blurry. Dizzy memories he could not recall correctly. He was aware of being alongside with Crowley, though, of his calming, comforting presence within him. Of the feeling of reached freedom. He remembered he had thought that he could finally relax a bit, even if long habits dye hard.
"I do not think my lot would be very fond on that idea" had he say. For God's sake, what was he thinking about? He finally had a lifetime opportunity of being with Crowley as he wanted, willingly and without having to look over his shoulder all the time, and he had almost stupidly lost it.
Luckly for him, Crowley had been so amazing as always, and he had insisted. God, why was he so good? Why was he so incredibly kind and good-hearted and just the most caring being on existence?
"We are on our own side" he had said, and Aziraphale had felt pure joy filling his whole soul.
"Our own side". Their side. Crowley's side.
Yes, yes, yes. He wanted it. He had wanted for to long, but he couldn't. Mustn't.
The consequences could have been terrible. Almost had. A chill ran over his spin. Too violet eyes flaseh in his memory. The weight of the threath…
For millenia, Aziraphale had felt like a coward. He has been for so long. A coward, at first, for not being able to acknowledge what he really felt, thinking it was it's loving angel nature — ah! — and then rejecting those feeling and putting all the responsibility over Crowley's demon nature. Of him tempting Aziraphale.
What an horrible person he was.
The truth was Crowley being a demon had nothing to do with it. The thruth was he couldn't help him but to need Crowley, because he was the most incredible being in the whole universe. Because why someone like him would have fallen when Gabriel was still an angel was completely incomprehensible in his mind.
It was unfair, even if…..
Even if, actually, he secretly liked Crowley being a demon. He didn't know how he had been before (and he had not allowed to wonder too much about it because he feared the answer) but he thought that it suited him. That the demonic element made a part of what Crowley was, that somehow it made him that brave, and spontaneous, and cool , and that, evrn if he was not evil, it made him more interesting. He wondered if he had been interested at all if he had been a fellow angel. He lijed the demon for what he was, every single inch of him.
Loved him.
There was it.
The terrifying thruth that he had denied for so long. Of course he had always cared, and there was nothing wrong about that. But one thing was being worried for the well-beingness of his one demonic accurance, and another very different one was to accept….accept….God.
Even now, knowing deep down Crowley had become his everything, it was difficult for him to put it into words. He was to used to lie to himself. It was easier.
Except that there were those awesome golden snake eyes, and the mischievous smirk in Crowley's lips, and the angel felt his heart melting at each time. And there where each rescue the demon had performed for him, there were his kind words, his demenour everything.
Oh had be everything would be simplier if it was only lust.
Because Crowley was a temptation all by himself, almost a sin in which he would indulge, and Aziraphale had accepted that long ago.
What a funny thing, don't you think, dear Reader, that the angel of the duo was more comfortable with the reality he had lusted his friend for now centuries, but not that he loved him? And that, on the other hand, Crowley knew, almost since the beginning that he was in love and accepted shameless?
I know, God has a twisted sense of humor. But let's not involve Her in this story. The fact were that the main difference between those two ineffable idiots was that Crowley was ready to sacrifice everything for having at least a little piece of Aziraphale, at least his friendship; while the angel didn't dare to risk anything if that mean lost what he already had. Slightly difference, I know, but was the reason Aziraphale had issues accepting he loved the demon.
Aziraphale felt as deep as Crowley, but Aziraphale was still blind about so many things. Crowley knew what he would do for the angel, but the angel still had to discovered it.
I would like to say that they used the post-apocalypse time for it, that they finally confessed in a romantic embrace, that it was intimate and sweet. I really, really would.
But I am only the Narrator, a meaningless voice in the void. I cannot do as I want, I only can tell you what happened.
Well, Aziraphale was going to discover it, that for sure. Wasn't going to be easy, nor painless.
But let's not foreshadow events. Let's come back to the angel.
The angel that lusted his friend.
At last, for an Angel, Aziraphale was sinful. The same way Crowley made a poor excuse of a demon, Aziraphale was not better. He knew Crowley would heavily disagree, arguing he was the only " true angel among that bunch of bastards" , but Crowley was too kind to really understand, and his words only made him even more fond of the demon, which didn't help at all.
He was not a good angel.
A principality, and still not half the warrior he should be.
A messenger of the Almighty,that should not interfere, and still he had done it so many times.
And most of all, Aziraphale was sinful.
He had long ago fallen into greed and pride, through his bookshop and his precious belonings, and the way he dressed, and his was secretly envious of so many things and people that he barely thought about it, because doing it was almost unbeareable. The only reason he had not fully embraced his envy was because he loved too much. But somedays, the bad ones (yes even angels could have bad days) Aziraphale had serious problems to overcome his envy.
Sloth, at least, was clearly not something he related. Always had been hardworking type, nor was warth….
But even God Herself must know by now how he had quickly embraced gluttony.
Gabriel's mean words came back to his mind "Whay do you sully the temple of your body with such grass matter?" had he disdeanful asked.
He knew he shouldn't listen to Gabriel, but the fact he was such a disrespectful idiot didn't mean he wasn't right.
And once he had embraced gluttony…what difficulty should he encounter to fall into lust? With such a beautiful being like Crowley in his proximity?
Easy.
To easy.
He was hungry and thirsty, so fucking thirsty for Crowley.
Crowley stunning fire hair, Crowley's beautiful slim, delicate body, both in male and female corportation, Crowley's demeanour, Crowley's deep voice, even his smell…
Driving him crazy when he stood too close.
A closeness he actually wished with all his soul.
But, things had changed.
Now he had an opportunity, didn't he?
"Our own side"
Pity he didn't know what happened later. Pity he had opened his eyes in that disgusting space, and above all, oh, pity he was not with Crowley anymore. His heart streched with fear.
Crowley was not with him but he had been. He had been, until recently, and he had promised they were on their side now.
He looked around him, at the cellar he was in. It was cold. It was cold, and small and dirty. It smelled aweful.
He looked at his hands.
Covered in blood.
Aziraphale closed his eyes, trying to keep calm.
Breathe. Think.
He looked at his clothes.
Well , that for sure were not his clothes. At least, they were not the clothes he was wearing at the bus stop, before everything else went black.
First, he would never put that much black and blue. And second, he was sure he was wearing his coat, last time he checked. It was nowere to be seen. His bowtie had disapeared , and…he touched the necklaced he was wearing. Where those gold and diamonds?
He took a deeper breath.
Keep calm. There must be an explanation for all this.
He tried to quickly clean the blood he had in his hands againts his- not his- trousers. He felt uncomfortable, that for sure, he though, trying to cover the fact he was feeling neauseous.
You are an smart angel. Be smart - he comanded to himself.
OK, so he didn't know where he was, neither ow he had ended there, in some strange clothes and covered in blood.
He tried not to think whose blood that might be.
But, he knew he had been with Crowley until then. So.
Find him. Everything will be better once you find him. Once we are together.
He smiled, felling a bit better. It was obvious, he should have begun with that. He felt a bit ashamed he had not think about that before.
You are a mess when you feel lost , Aziraphale.
The angel closed his eyes one more time, and he concentrated, releasing his spirit, letting his aura go further his corporation.
Everything was going to be ok.
Except…..
He suddenly opened his eyes, gasping.
No.
No, no, no, no.
He could not feel Crowley. He felt the panic raising in his chest, and breathing became difficult. He could not feel….he could not feel anything.
His eyes were filled with tears, and as he collapsed to the ground, he reached a hand to his back.
He couldn't even think his wings. He couldn't feel his halo.
His heart froze, his throat constricted.
And then, Aziraphale screamed. Screamed with all his strenghts.
His grace had been taken away.