Chapter 1: How Hachiman Won The Holy Grail War.

"We are not fighting that masochist knight!" Gilgamesh said. "I don't even want to call that thing a knight or refer to as a she. I can't even call it a mongrel!"

Darkness whimpered and moaned and made faces, grovelling on the ground, wanting more. "Oh, master, this blonde knight is saying such degrading things about me. He called me 'that thing' , 'mongrel' and 'it'! It's all so degrading. I feel less than manure used as fertilisers. But, I think this grandiose knight must have some insidious plans for me, yet still. Look, look at the chains, he keeps calling from that portal."

"Don't look at my precious Enkidu with such lust in your eyes, you disgrace." Gilgamesh said, backing away and petting the chains as if it were a snake. "And how dare you call me a lowly knight. I am a king! A king!" Then he looked to the side. "Not that there is anything wrong with a knight, Saber."

Saber ignored the tsundere tendencies of the King of all Bullies. She meant King of Heroes. "Grail-kun, please. Is there no way!" She pleaded, her dignity as a Knight be damned. "All the servants and masters agree. There must be a way. Otherwise, this would be the first time that the Holy Grail War is cancelled."

Shirou looked at Hachiman, impressed. "You ended the war before it even began. How did you do this? Are you secretly a mage?"

"The closest thing I could, come to being a mage is turn into a wizard." Hachiman said, giving up hope for this world. "And that is only possible if I stay a virgin even after I turn 30."

Darkness turned to Hachiman. "Master, does that mean, you plan to defile me using that command seals? Oh, I can't think of anything else, that rotten mind and that rotten look in your eyes, can be thinking about."

All the mages and servants were now looking at Hachiman like he was the lowliest of scum.

Hachiman sighed and looked at Grail-kun. "Look, why don't you just hand Darkness over to another master. I'm sure Shirou can take it. Since, he is already used to Saber-"

"How dare you compare me to that thing!" Now Saber was talking like Gilgamesh. "We are nothing alike!"

"Well," Shirou began. "You do kinda look-"

"Shirou, you stay out of this!" Saber growled.

Grail-kun looked at the chaos which was ensuing and came to a decision. It would be unusual but this was the only way to convince the others. The humans called it reverse psychology.

"Okay," Grail-kun said. "How about this?" He pointed at Hachiman. "This, guy gets to have another servant in the Holy Grail War and you can fight that servant, instead."

"Oh, making me isolate myself from being punished. How Glorious!" Darkness moaned.

Grail-kun looked at the others. Suddenly it didn't seem like a bad idea.

"I will allow it." Gilgamesh scoffed. "And I speak for all the Masters and Servants. And if anyone dares to oppose me or go against my wishes, I will use Ea to lay waste to all you filthy mongrels. "

No one opposed.

He threatened to use Ea. Gilgamesh must be serious, most of them thought.

Hachiman thought, he was talking about something else.

'EA? Electronic Arts', Hachiman thought. 'Is this guy talking about the new edition of EA SPORTS FIFA 20xx! ' He gave him a wary look. 'I knew there is something wrong with that guy. Of course, he is a gaming otaku and thinks all this nonsense is a game. God, he is even worse than Zaimokuza!'

Grail-kun looked to Hachiman. "You can summon a new servant!"

"You mean like give them a call?" Hachiman said.

"Oh, right, you accidentally happened upon a murder scene of a serial killer drawing a pentagram with the blood of their victims." Grail-kun said the exposition quickly to provide a bit of context. "You don't know how to summon a servant. Never mind, I will summon one for you!"

"Wait!" Hachiman tried to protest.

But he was too late.

There was a flash of light.

Then before his eyes, there was a heroic spirit from the past.

His past.

"Hikigaya," Hiratsuka Shizuka said, stubbing out her cigarette by stepping on them with her heels, and twisting her ankles, rather viciously. She looked a bit drunk, with the empty beer can dangling from her other hand, which she also crushed and threw away, without a care for littering. "Do you know what time it is? You got some nerve, calling me out here in the middle of the night?" She gave a look around. "And what are these cosplayers doing out here in the middle of nowhere?"

Hachiman didn't know what to think. "Grail-san?"

"I think I did an oopsie." Grail-kun said, "Teehee~"

"Don't teehee me!" Hachiman said, "What the hell is Hiratsuka Shizuka-sensei doing here? She is not a servant."

"Ah, but she is a heroic spirit." Grail-kun said, looking at something in a holographic display which appeared out of thin air. "It clearly say, she is from the legendary, Bachelor Class."

"Bachelor Class!" Shizuka growled. "You better rephrase that you little cat. I have no problem drowning kittens when I am half drunk. I will blame it on the alcohol and move on with life."

Grail-kun amended. "Oh, sorry, I seem to have made a mistake. Now, I see it. Hiratsuka Shizuka, Maiden of Chiba-"

"Huh, you here that. The cat called me a maiden." Shizuka said to Hachiman, proud and drunk.

I don't think you really qualify as a maiden, Hachiman thought. But he kept quiet.

Grail-kun didn't and continued. "As I was saying, Hiratsuka Shizuka, Maiden of Chiba, belongs to the Berserker Class."

There was silence.

Then a loud splash.

Thankfully, it was not blood.

"Sensei-" Hachiman began.

"Don't you start Hikigaya." Shizuka whined. "That cat ruined my buzz. And after, I clearly threatened that I had no trouble drowning kittens while I was drunk. Call me a Berserker, after saying I was a maiden. Some cats, I tell you, are better thrown off a bridge and into the water."

Hachiman looked over the bridge and saw the glimpse of bubbles. "The epic scene we shared in the bridge is now ruined, forever." He said to himself mostly. "This is what the Holy Grail War does to us. It ruins everything."

Saber looked at Shizuka warily. "Shirou, this woman seems dangerous. We have to be careful."

"I agree."

But there was someone who didn't agree.

Gilgamesh scoffed, trying to get everyone's attention like the diva he was. "So, you, belong to the Berserker class." He said looking at Shizuka, with an unimpressed look in his eyes. "I don't see it."

Hiratsuka Shizuka lit another cigarette. The clang of the lighter closing shut bore a note of finality as did the smoke which wafted from her open mouth in perfect circles before disappearing into the open air of the night.

"I don't really care about the opinions of people who wears locks as earrings as some kind of fringe fashion statement." Shizuka gave him the look of a hardened teacher who is disappointed with her student. But the smile was pure evil. "Don't you know the concept of a chastity belt? Or are you so stuck up, that you can't even handle a little bit of dirty talk? But then, with all that gold and gaudy jewellery, on does consider," She looked at Saber and then at Gilgamesh. The power of the Grail gave her knowledge of their history. "Do you want to make Saber your wife, because you want to make peace with with your repressed homosexual tendencies? I mean you know, she was known throughout history as a he right?"

Gilgamesh pulled Ea from beyond The Gate of Babylon. "You dare. You dare!" He would kill them. Kill them all. It doesn't matter if the stage wasn't worthy to use EA. His honour was more than his prized possession and no one impinged his honour. This woman, this mongrel, no.

The Holy Grail, bestowed Gilgamesh with knowledge of the current world. Information. Words. Terms. Slangs. Curses.

He would not call her mongrel.

Gilgamesh smiled cruelly, before, unleashing the full power of the sword of rupture.

"Prepare to be annihilated you, Christmas Cake!" Gilgamesh roared. "Enuma Elis- wait, what is this, no!-"

Carnage.

Annihilation.

Destruction.

Despair.

"Shirou, what is wrong with having Christmas Cake?" Saber asked with her dying breath trying to reach the man she loved at her last moment. "I love Christmas Cake."

Shirou died shortly before he said his final words. "I love you too, Saber."

Hiratsuka Shizuka looked back at the carnage she left in her wake.

"Tch, what does a woman have to do to get a decent smoke these days?" Shizuka said to herself, acting cool and awesome, her white labcoat soaked in the blood of her enemies. Then she turned to Hachiman. "Where's the cat? I killed all the masters and servants. I need my wish."

Hachiman had given up on life. "You know what sensei, you can even have my wish too."

"Really? You meant that?" Shizuka blushed and fidgeted awkwardly like a school girl. And not someone who had killed all the servants and masters with her bare fists a moment ago."What's up with that, sheesh!" She felt happy and knew she was acting a bit like a tsundere, but that gave her an idea.

"Grail-kun, I want to be married to Hikigaya Hachiman." Shizuka said. "That is my wish!"

"Granted!" Grail-kun croaked, coughing up water. "I hereby pronounce you husband and wife. Go, just let me die in peace."

"And as my second wish, which my new husband said, I could ask in his stead, " Shizuka gave him a playful wink, before grabbing Grail-kun by the collar.

"I wish that our marriage never ends in divorce." Shizuka said, shaking Grail-kun by the collar. "Hikigaya Shizuka and Hikigaya Hachiman will stay married for the rest of this life and all other lives that are to come." She gave the grail spirit a look which matched someone else's. "Make it happen, you filthy mongrel!"

And that is how Hachiman Hikigaya won the Holy Grail War.

And that's how Shizuka Hikigaya nee Hiratsuka found the love of her life and wedded bliss.

Happy Ending.

Fate Franchise Ruined.

-/-/-

A/N: Okay, I didn't know this story would actually get so many reviews. I seriously posted this as a joke chapter and I planned to delete it.

But with, "The Loner's Truth" which I renamed as "The Truth Called, Genuine" and "Vignettes, Snippets, Drabbles ETC Chapter 100 Onwards.", I think, this fic would work as a good way of introducing the characters from the other series.

It will still be a funny. But not like this level of nonsense.

Like from the next chapter, I will take epic dialogues from famous series and have the cast of Oregairu ruin them.

But at times, I will, have Small Arc, which will be self contained stories about a Character From A Different Series and a Cast Member From Oregairu.

With that said, here are the options for the next chapter.

Option 1: (A Certain Magical Index. Feat Misaka Worst)

Option 2: (Durarara! Feat Celty Sturluson.)

Please pick any of the above options. (Note: There might be other characters as well.)

Hope everyone enjoyed reading this chapter.

Leave lots and lots of reviews, follow and fave.

Won't betray your dreams.