The aptly nicknamed 'Golden Trio' were in good spirits as they reconnected with one another on the Hogwarts Express. Things had been… interesting for Harry over the past few days. He had somewhat exposed magic to Muggles, but then everything seemed fine due to… reasons. After meeting with Minister Fudge, Harry had been reunited with his two friends in Hogsmeade, and things were looking up.

For about ten seconds.

The wizarding world had been in a borderline panic at the news of the escape of the magical madman Sirius Black. Apparently, Black had it in for Harry (Just another name to the list Harry had thought.) and a massive man hunt was under way to find him before anyone got harmed. This was on top of rumors of some 'albino behemoth' as patrons of the Leaky Cauldron had referred to him as making the rounds in Hogsmeade. From what the rumors had been, apparently this newcomer was a giant of a man, and seemed ready to fight anyone who looked at him funny, and who had apparently broken several bar stools over peoples' heads when they tried to challenge him. Harry mostly dismissed those rumors though. He was heading back to school, so if someone was trying to start trouble in the wizarding town, there were people to deal with it.

Finally, Hedwig had brought Harry a letter form Dumbledore, telling him that there he had taken precautions to ensure nothing like the last two years would happen again. To Harry's bewilderment, he didn't say much more, in fact, it seemed like Dumbledore was in a rush writing the letter. Regardless, Harry was somewhat relieved to know that Dumbledore was doing his best to keep everyone safe.

Meanwhile, Fred and Gorge were laughing as they watched one of their pranks go off without a hitch, making a fourth-year Slytherien scream in shock as her mirror showed a skeletal reflection. The twins were trying to find their next target, when they heard a knock at the window.

"Uh… Fred?" George said, blinking in disbelief. "You may wanna see this…"

Fred and Gorge looked to see a man riding some odd contraption looking in at them.

"Yo! I'm looking for Harry Pot? Ya know where he is?" The man asked. The twins were left in surprised shock, then George finally said:

"Uh… I think he's with our little brother, a few cars up."

"Cool. Thanks." The man replied before pulling a lever and shooting off faster than the twins thought possible.

"…You saw that right?" Fred asked.

"Yup." His twin replied.

"That was real, right?"

"Yup."

"That was awesome!"

"Yup!"

"…we probably shouldn't've told him where Harry was though…"

"…yup."

Currently, Harry and Ron were talking about their summer break, while Hermione felt something… off. A cold feeling started to creep across her spine, and then she saw why. Flying next to the window was a ten-foot-tall ghost being, covered in a dark, hooded cloak revealing only it's decayed-looking hands. Of course, Hermione knew what they were, and like just about anyone who knew what these beings were, she was terrified the sight. Harry and Ron's conversation immediately stopped as terror formed on their faces. Stories of dementor's had been used to terrify children for ages, with the catch being that they were real. Harry hadn't seen one in real life before, and admittedly, he never wanted to. With an odd hiss, the creature pulled itself in through the window, it's ghostly body shifting to a foggy form before regaining it's frightening figure. The dementor seemed to be looking for something, or someone, but suddenly it reached out for Harry, hissing something unintelligible.

"Uh… 'Mione? You have any idea what to do?!" Ron whispered in fear.

"N..no…" She stammered in response. She had read there were spells to be used against dementors, but in the moment, she couldn't remember them. She also hadn't learned them, so that was a bit of an issue too.

Harry felt his mind freezing, his eye sight was going. He knew what was happening, he was passing out, but he didn't know why. Rumor had it that dementors didn't cause wizards or witches to pass out at the mere presence of one, but they also drained their victims of all feelings of happiness, so maybe whoever claimed you wouldn't pass out near them wasn't thinking straight at the time. Harry felt the paranoid feeling of his throat closing, as if some unseen force was holding it shut, keeping him from breathing or screaming for help.

Just as Harry felt like he was about to go under, the dementor shrieked in surprise as a sharp, jagged meat hook stabbed into its side and it was quite literally ripped out of the train car and sent careening into the rocky river below. The sound of deep laughter, rattling chains, an odd roar, and rock music got the attention of everyone who could look out the window to try and see what was happening.

Harry gasped for breath, feeling life returning to him, but what he saw made him question if the dementor had damaged his brain. Some… thing, was riding what looked like a flying motor cycle, spinning a chain with a large meat hook on the end back around his arm. He turned and looked through the window with a toothy grin.

"Any of you Harry Potter?" He asked.

"Um, that… that's me…" Harry said before he was able to stop himself. "Who are-"

"Cool, I'll be right in." The man cut Harry off, pulling up he disappeared from sight, until a loud THUD could be heard on the rooftop, followed by heavy footsteps. Finding a hatch, Lobo effortlessly dropped down into the somewhat cramped hallway of the train car he was in. Looking around in confusion, he saw a group of what he assumed were pre-teens staring in slack-jawed shock at him.

"What?" He asked, only to not get a response. "Fine, be that way ya bastiches…"

Walking for about five seconds, Lobo found the room with his tar-er, person he needed to keep alive, and moved in. Sitting across from a dark-haired boy, a brown-haired girl, and a ginger who had moved to the other side of the car as he entered. Sitting down, the seats creaked slightly as the man looked at Harry.

"Th'name's Lobo." Lobo introduced himself. "Not sure if he told you, but the old coot running this place hired me to keep you alive."

No one said anything, which Lobo had expected.

"Y..you're…going…" Harry began, trying to form words.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, look." Lobo said with a wave of his hand. "Lemme explain. That old dude got in touch with me, and gave me a job offer, for the next four or so years, he wants me to keep whoever wants you dead, dead. Okay, maybe not dead, but at least unable to hurt you."

"Albus hired… this… thing? What exactly is he? To protect Harry from the dark lord!?" Hermione's mind was racing with hundreds of questions, but there was something about 'Lobo's' presence that gave her pause before voicing her questions.

"I don't know whose beer you pissed in to require me watching your back, but hey. A job's a job." Lobo shrugged. "So… if anyone tries anything, or just pisses you off, let me know, and I'll make em' regret it."

"And you're going to be my bodyguard?" Harry finally asked, trying to figure out exactly what Lobo was getting at.

"Kinda, yeah." The Czarnian nodded. "If whoever this asshole you guys can't speak of comes back, or any of his Manson family rejects try anything, let me know, and I'll deal with them."

"If he's as strong as he looks… this could be a God send!" Harry thought. Sure, he could handle himself, and he had done things no one his age could possibly have done, but knowing that what he could only describe as a jacked-up albino Hagrid was going to keep him safe? That made him feel… oddly safe. He hadn't known Lobo for more than a minute, and maybe it was his fears of the dark lord returning guiding his mind, but Harry was inclined to believe him. Or rather, extend a wary amount of trust to him.

"Sorry, what exactly are you?" The bushy-haired girl finally asked, making Lobo turn to her with a raised brow.

"I'm the Last Son of Czarina, and the only Czarnian remaining." Lobo answered, deciding to leave the 'I'm-the-last-one-because-I-fragged-the-rest' portion of that out for now. When he saw her confused look, he said bluntly: "To a human, I'd be considered an alien."

"An alien?!" Hermione shouted in disbelief. "But… they don't…"

"Listen kid, your kind struggles to get past the giant rock testicle orbiting this dirtball without running out of air, there's no way you would've ever heard about Czarina, or any of the places I was traveling to when I was half you age."

This answer left Hermione in mute astonishment, Lobo had to be joking! But… what was a Czarnian? She had never even heard about these beings, and she had read the entire library at Hogwarts. Twice. Also, living in the muggle world, she knew what Lobo was getting at. Muggles had been trying to travel into space, but with little to no success. This meant Albus somehow managed to contact an alien (presumably) bounty hunter with magic!

"I take it she's the brains you three?" Lobo flatly asked, reading Hermione's face.

"She's the brains of the entire school." Harry answered.

"Ah. And him?" Lobo asked, casting a glance to Ron.

"He's my friend." Harry said matter-of-factly. "I probably wouldn't've survived the past few years without him."

"Okay, cool." Lobo nodded. "I ain't here to try and take you away from them, I just wanna get an idea of who I'm gonna be seeing."

"You said you were 'hired', would that make you a mercenary?" Hermione tentatively asked. While she didn't pay too much attention, she had seen the occasional news report about mercenary death groups enacting bloody violence in other countries.

"Not a mercenary. I'm a bounty hunter." Lobo answered. "Difference is simple, mercs are dumbasses who will die for some African regime or will toss away their morals for money, I'm a man of my word, no matter how much money gets offered, I'll keep my promise and finish the job I'm hired ta do. On top of that, bounty hunters are more… respectable, so to say. We don't just kill people if they get in our way."

Hermione thought it over, and nodded.

"I can't believe she's buying this!" Lobo mentally exclaimed, beginning to fight an uphill battle to not laugh.

"Anyhow, I'm gonna be around the joint." Lobo remarked, standing up. "So again, stuff happens, let me know."

With that, the golden trio watched as the last Czarnian left, heading back into the hall and heading… somewhere. The students all watched in silent shock as the bounty hunter walked back to the middle of the car and jumped, pulling himself back up onto the roof. Whistling, Lobo called his spacehog to come pick him up, but paused for a moment. He cast a glance over the valley the train was traveling through. The Main Man watched for a moment, then blinked.

"Hm." He mused, before jumping onto his bike and flying off.

"Harry… did you have anything to do with this?!" Hermione finally managed to ask, having found her voice.

"No! 'Mione, why would you think that?" Harry asked, bewildered. "I didn't know Albus was even considering hiring more security!"

"Well… maybe he'll be what the school needs." Ron reasoned. Harry blinked and Hermione seemed outraged by that suggestion. "Oh, c'mon! The past two years have had multiple students nearly die and some of the worst beings nearly return! Maybe hiring something like that is what we need."

"And what if Lobo ends up being worse than everything we've seen combined?" Hermione countered, still rather unsettled by this. "Harry, you can't seriously believe this is a good idea. Especially with Sirius having escaped recently, this may be putting your life in even more danger!"

"Yeah… but what if it isn't?" Harry finally replied, albeit somewhat awkwardly. "Maybe he's what he says he is. If that's the case, I don't think we have to worry about Black."

"Or the Dementors." Ron added. "speaking of which, why were they here?!"

"Ron! Don't change the subject!" Hermione snapped. "Harry, I've read every account of every mystical monster to ever exist. I've never heard of a 'Czarnian' before, and now the only one in existence shows up, and says he's going to protect you!?"

"I have to admit, he seems kind of interesting." Harry shrugged. "If he's an alien, then that means he may not be magical, but he still somehow managed to find Hogwarts. I'm not saying I'm fully in support of this, or fully against it, but let's wait until we get to Hogwarts and then go from there. Maybe we can talk to the headmaster and he could explain things a bit better…"

At Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore was speaking with the half-giant Hagrid. In his haste to prepare for the coming year, he hadn't mentioned the fact that he had hired Lobo to him yet. In all honesty, Minerva, Severus and himself were the only ones who knew about the bounty hunter's contract.

"So yer syain' you hired an alien to protect 'arry?" Hagrid asked, the disbelief clear in his voice. "Albus, have you been drinking that Dragon Blood whiskey again?"

"Hagrid, I assure you I'm telling the truth." Albus insisted, only to hear a loud roar and look up to see a figure approaching. "If you don't believe me, you can ask him any questions you have yourself."

Hagrid looked up in confusion, and his eyes widened in surprise as he saw the chalk-white man come down towards the ground on some sort of bizarre motorcycle. Hagrid couldn't say it was like his. As the engines died down, Lobo got off his boke and walked over to Albus.

"Yo." He said with a slight nod.

"Mr. Lobo? This is Rubeus Hagrid, grounds keeper and professor of Care of Magical Creatures." Albus introduced the two. There was a brief silence until Hagrid held his hand out.

"Well, nice ta meet you Mr. Lobo." He said.

"Same to you." Lobo nodded, shaking Hagrid's hand. He was a bit surprised how big this man was, he was almost taller than him. "So… this is a school?" He remarked, looking up to the castle of Hogwarts.

"Indeed, it's stood for over a thousand years." Albus nodded, noting the genuine surprise in Lobo's eyes.

"Holy frag-aroli." He muttered, then shook his head. "By the way, I met with the kid. Seems like a good guy."

"Oh, you've met Harry?" Albus said feeling somewhat relieved, as he hadn't been able to scribe all the information he wanted to in his letter to Harry. "That's-"

"What was with the grey ghost that was trying to suck him off?" Lobo suddenly asked flatly. The headmaster and half-giant were left in mute shock.

"E..excuse me?" Albus finally sputtered.

"When I went to meet with him, there was this weird-ass ghost thing, it seemed to sucking some sort of… well, something. The kid had nearly passed out."

"Impossible!" Dumbledore exclaimed. "The dementors wouldn't attack a student! They-"

"Yeah, news flash. They did." Lobo cut him off in a flat tone. "I ripped it offa the kid, seemed fine after. I don't know if they can survive being thrown onto a jagged rock formation, but hey. It was dealt with."

Albus seemed furious at something, and stormed off muttering to himself, leaving the Czarnian and the half-giant outside.

"Uhh… He okay?" Lobo asked.

"I've never seen him this angry." Hagrid admitted. "But to answer yer questin' those 'ghost things' were brought here to find an escaped criminal."

"That Black dude? I saw the poster around town." Lobo mused. "Why the hell would they come here tho? I think it's weird enough I'm here, why would they need lanky reapers trying to suck people off." He paused then added: "That sounds extremely wrong out of context, I'm sorry."

"Well, Sirius claimed he wanted Harry dead-"

Chk-chk!

Before Hagrid could say another word, Lobo had taken his sawed-off double-barrel, cracked it open, loaded it, and holstered it.

"That's why I'm here." Lobo stated.

"We don't know how or even if Sirius will try to get into Hogwarts, but the dementors were meant to incapacitate him if he tried anything.

"A'right." Lobo nodded. "So. Where am I bunkin'?"

It was the time of the year most of the students loved most. The welcoming feast. The sorting hat ceremony had finished and the meal had begun. Harry had confirmed Lobo's claim about the dementor attack, and Albus swore it would be dealt with post-haste. But now, Dumbledore had some announcements to make. Tapping on his glass for everyone's attention, he stood and began with his customary speech:

"Welcome back to yet another year here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!" He began. "I am so happy to see so many new faces, and just as many familiar faces, for those of you who are new here, this is the beginning of an experience that will forever change your life! Here you'll learn skills you never thought possible, make friends that will last lifetimes, and…"

"Hey, you seen that Lobo guy?" Ron whispered, leaning over to Harry.

"No, not since the train." Harry whispered back. "It just occurred to me that no one here knows who or what he is."

"Oh, this'll be bloody interesitn'." Ron smirked.

"…and it is with great pleasure that I can introduce our new staff!" Dumbledore continued. "First, is Mr. Remus Lupin, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher."

A man stood and bowed as there was scattered applause. He seemed like he had a good grip on what he was going to be teaching, Harry thought. At least a grip compared to the previous DADA professor…

"Rubeus Hagrid will be taking over the role as Professor of Care of Magical Creatures."

Hagrid gave a wave as there was more of a reaction this time around.

Meanwhile, Lobo was chilling in a corner that was conveniently both dark and obscured. He had been here for a few hours, and had fallen asleep in the chair he dragged back here. He did get a good view of the 'Sorting Hat' (a talking hat was defiantly one of the weirder things the bounty hunter had seen.) as he declared which 'house' the kids were going into. Speaking of which, he had learned there were four houses: Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. He had also quickly picked up on what the four houses were like: Gryffindor was 'brave' (which also most likely meant 'plain'), Slytherin seemed full of bastiches who would get shanked frequently at the bars he drank at, or would hire someone discreetly to shank someone for them (ironic as their house animal was a snake), Ravenclaw was the nerd house. That was all.

"And Hufflepuff… The… I dunno. The stoner house?" Lobo thought. From what he had picked up, they were loyal, valued hard work, dedication, stuff like that. Lobo actually had a hard time thinking about a joke or insult for the house. They seemed like decent people. "Which means when I think of a good insult, it will be LEGENDARY…"

"Finally…" Albus began in a bit of an awkward tone. "Those of you in third year and above know that there were some… incidents, in the past two years."

There were murmurs of agreement form the older students, while some of the younger ones seemed confused.

"As such, I've taken it upon myself to ensure security is impenetrable. You may have seen dementors patrolling the school, under no circumstances should you go near them." Dumbledore said with more seriousness than any of the students had seen from him. "Also, in order to deal with certain threats that have been made recently, I've employed the assistance of…" He briefly trailed off, not sure what to call Lobo. An alien? A bounty hunter? A monster? "Of Mr. Lobo."

Hearing his name, Lobo stood up and walked out into the light. There were some gasps and confused and shocked whispers as the last Czarnian walked by. He shot a few Ravenclaw students a look as he passed their table. Smirking to himself as he noted their freaked-out reactions. Except for a blonde-haired girl who not only returned his look, but seemed intrigued. It was also clear this was the first time a number of the staff were seeing Lobo, as their eyes widened comically and then turned to Dumbledore. He came to a stop in front of the teachers table and looked around, taking in the multitude of reactions.

"Hey." He said nonchalantly.

"Lobo will be here as security, as such I expect you all to treat him with respect, and should he ask for it, cooperate…"

Lobo rolled his eyes and made the 'yap, yap, yap' hand motion in front of him where Dumbledore and the others couldn't see. This got a few stifled laughs from the students. He made a few more obscene gestures because… why not. A few minutes later, Albus had finished with his introduction and Lobo looked around the room.

"That's about the size of it ya bastiches." Lobo smirked. "Now if you'll excuse me…"

Without warning, Lobo threw one of his hook directly at the Slytherin table. The hook impaled a roast chicken, and when Lobo pulled back, the chain flipped a bowl of mashed potatoes on to some girlish blonde-haired boy as it returned to him.

"Later." Was all Lobo said, walking off eating the chicken.

"Is… is he insane!?" Hermione exclaimed, shocked not only at the blatant disrespect for the staff, but the fact that he threw a giant serrated hook in the same vicinity of the students.

"I'll admit, he's not what I expected." Harry said, his interest piqued now. Lobo seemed to be as brash and blunt as he had presented himself on the train. And if this was the guy who was going to protect him from the dark lord, Harry had a feeling things may finally be okay.

Next chapter: Things Are NOT Okay.

Also, quick note. Thanks to everyone who's favorited/followed this story so far! If you're here because you follow me and you're wondering where the next chapter of the DBZ React to Death Battle is, I'm working on it. If you want updates on my stories, check my profile page for updates. Or follow me on Twitter NTorch for random thoughts, updates, and me occasionally pissing someone off by telling them the truth.

See you later!