A/N: HELLO MY LOVELIES! Here is part tow for you all, hope you enjoy. Also in case I didn't specify this... I have not seen season 6 yet -I know, I know, but this entire fic is just supposed to be an AU off of an idea I had that wouldn't leave me alone.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or plot of The 100.
This isn't supposed to be external…
But it seems I've made a mess…
This wasn't meant to be special
Now it's nagging me confess…
Clarke used to love the sounds of the Earth in the early morning, when the sun first appears through the leaves and the birds begin their daily song. Somehow it's the same, but always different and Clarke marveled at how the birds always just knew how she was feeling. Sometimes she used to think that her whole day could be dealt with bird songs and chirping insects, sometimes she thought the snort of a deer that could pick up her scent –the one she never tried to hide, would be enough of a reminder that she was alive and alright and on Earth. It was supposed to be her, no their, second chance. A second chance at living and for growth and… then it was nothing.
The Earth was destroyed, alongside most of Clarke's hopes and dreams, but at least her friends were alive. She could get through anything if it meant that her friends were ok, even if they weren't ok with her anymore. Although that hurt, it cut Clarke deeper than any wound she had ever received. She had deserved it. Every look of disdain, every trace of anger, every question, every doubt… she deserved it all. When the wave washed over the world Clarke hoped she'd burn within. That it would consume her and she'd be able to die in the comfort that she watched her friends exit the atmosphere.
It didn't.
She had read somewhere; once a long time ago, that man was destined to suffer before their Maker would show them mercy. She read somewhere that this maker, this God, was a merciful being, but only after he had struck fear into the hearts of his followers. She read that those who sinned lived in a realm of fire and despair and that their souls were damned. She read that those who sought forgiveness and tried to deny evil the chance to bloom within their hearts would receive peace and an unparalleled happiness. She wasn't religious, nobody on the Ark was and religion on the ground wasn't the same as these books and scripts. She didn't believe in God or His works, but after the wave had swept over the land and the sea that He created and she had laid there in pain from radiation burns, she prayed.
She prayed for everything and nothing all at once, for peace and for justice against her sins. She pleaded for the physical peace of death in exchange for her soul, because she knew she was meant to suffer and burn… she was never meant for salvation. She wasn't meant for hope. She was born without purpose, temporary missions aside, she knew deep down that all she's accomplished has been shadowed by the sins she had to commit to get there. When she opened her eyes after the wave, after the searing radiation stemmed out and gave her the capability to sit up without screaming in agony there was nothing.
No birds.
No warmth from the sun.
No forgiveness.
Clarke used to love the early mornings of Earth, the dew on the grass and the light scent of the dirt as the world around her opened up for a new day. Now she woke up to ash and heat and an emptiness that sat so deep within her she wondered if this was her Hell.
Don't talk to me…
Clarke feigned her sleep just long enough for it to turn real the morning she woke up and met Octavia's tearful eyes. She hadn't wanted to see Bellamy or Murphy or Octavia… she hadn't wanted to see anyone or anything. She was so angry at herself that even as she kept the façade of peaceful rest on her face she had to fight back tears. Murphy and Bellamy continued to argue in hushed voices over her, about her and it sickened her. She had, yet again, disturbed the peace that they had worked so hard for.
"If you two feel the need to continue this conversation, do so outside." Octavia's harsh demand almost had her jumping, but the once vicious Blodreina has been running her hands through Clarke's hair all morning and it soothed her in a way she hadn't felt in years. "The last thing I want is for Clarke to wake up to you two at each other's throats! She needs our support, not your personal competition of whose dick is bigger."
Bellamy lets out a rough sigh and Clarke can imagine him running one of his hands through his hair and down his face; "Octavia… please, have some class."
"I'm not the one yelling at my friend in a medical bay."
Murphy turns towards the younger Blake and is met with her challenging brown eyes. Her facial expression leaves little room for argument and he can't remember what he was arguing about because she has that steely look to her. Her time has a commander is not unnoticed in moments like this one, but it's the gentle way her hands have carded through Clarke's hair that reminds him that she's still Octavia. Instead of verbally acknowledging his defeat he storms out of the medical bay. He doesn't give Bellamy a chance to stay behind; "C'mon Bellamy let's get Clarke's stuff."
"I…" and Bellamy is torn, because it was his idea to retrieve what was left of her belongings from her tent and have them moved into Madi's cabin, but he doesn't want to actually leave Clarke's side. "What if she needs me and I'm not here?"
Clarke's hand twitches, just enough for Octavia to notice, but thankfully not enough for anyone else in the room to see. "Bell, go with Murphy and get her shit. I promise that when she wakes up if she wants to see you I'll send for you."
Octavia ignores the way that Bellamy's painful glance rests on Clarke. She ignores the way her heart constricts at the dark circles under her brothers eyes. For a moment she's angry again with Clarke, because it is always this woman laying next to her that is causing the strife in her brother's life. It is always Clarke Griffin who puts that pained look in Bellamy's eyes and it's always Clarke that his brother gravitates back to. Octavia can feel the moment that Clarke is no longer feigning sleep and is actually at peace, but she doesn't release her movements against the girls scalp.
Her hair is disgusting. It's matted and greasy and dirty and Octavia can't imagine how long it must have been in since Clarke actually cared enough to wash her hair. She felt the pity build within her stomach, but Clarke always hated pity so Octavia does her best to simply brush it aside. Still, there's years of hostility between these two that can't simply cannot get brushed aside as easily as the matted hair that rests against Clarke's face. There's so much that hasn't been said. There are apologies that both women need to administer and accept to and from each other. They each have done unforgivable things to each other and the people surrounding them. It's not the first time since landing on the new planet that Octavia aches to have Lincoln by her side once more, but it is the most difficult.
"She's going to need to be under constant supervision for the next three days."
Octavia looks over at Jordan, who undoubtedly is uncomfortable with everything happening around him. Octavia takes pity on the kid; "You're not equipped to handle this."
Jordan lets out a halfhearted laugh, "Yeah, I know. The basics I'm good at, the basics I know, but Clarke needs to speak to someone who's better suited to handle her situation."
"Are there people in Sanctum?" She almost regrets asking that question as she remembers her brothers' hunched shoulders and defeated expression the day that Josephine was finally eliminated.
Jordan has the same contemplative look in his eye. "I'm sure there are, but the issue is going to be getting the okay to bring them here to us. Your brother would never let that fly."
"My brother will do whatever he has to do to keep Clarke safe." It's true and both parties know it, but it still stings a little to Octavia to say it. "He's always pushed for what's best for Clarke, even when she couldn't see it herself."
"It'll take at least a day for me to get over there and to talk to some of their professionals." He looks conflicted now, because he knows that the seventy-two hour watch is the first step they have to take, but there's a limited amount of people he trusts with this particular position. "It could wait until after our watch period."
"Why?" Octavia questions hotly, "I can watch her for some of the time… and in case you missed it there are two grown ass men that would also be willing to sit with her. Bring it to the council and anyone that volunteers meets with you and then you decide who sits in the rest of the time."
"It's not a bad idea; we'd have to call a meeting."
Octavia raises her hands in mock surrender, "That is not my job. I'm going to distract Madi so you can do that, let me know what time to report here tomorrow." And with that, Octavia left the medical bay in a flurry of movement and a confidence that screamed leadership. Jordan couldn't understand how Octavia had been one of the ones left out of a leadership role, but then he guess that there was a lot he had to learn about the group. One thing was for certain, they were not as close a family as his parents had originally led him to believe.
I could improvise solutions…
I could try to reframe…
Until I'm left with your admission
That I'm not all there is to blame…
They told Madi that Clarke was sick. Which wasn't entirely a lie, one would suppose, but it left a strange twinge in Echo and Raven's stomachs. At the moment Octavia had Madi and they were doing some exploring just beyond their camp borders. The younger Blake sibling hadn't given them any insight on the situation at hand; instead she told them she was going to take Madi for the day. "Is that really a great idea?"
Octavia scoffed, "I have no desire to hurt Madi, not anymore."
"But you did, you did want to hurt her at one point." Echo argues, but it's not in the way that Echo normally voices her concerns, it's softer almost weaker.
Octavia senses the tension that resonates within the two women in front of her. Their meals are untouched, Raven's good leg is bouncing a mile a minute and Echo can't look anyone in the eye. She figures instead of making the situation worse she can just talk to these two, they were important to her brother after all and if things were going to actually change… well, she'd have to make herself okay with these strangers. "You're right, I did. I was wrong and I was misled and I was angry, but I'm not anymore."
Raven, whose back had been facing Octavia up until that point, turns around; "Can you have Madi back before sundown?"
"Of course," Octavia agrees softly and begins to back out of the mess all, before she's through the door entirely she pauses, "… Clarke will appreciate you looking out for Madi like that."
It's within that simple statement that has both the women at the table physically relaxing and releasing breaths they hadn't known they were holding. Octavia had said that Clarke will appreciate their concern, not that Clarke would have appreciated it. It was small, but it was a telling statement and held so much power over Raven that she actually felt tears prick the corner of her eyes. She quickly brushed them away when she noticed Echo divert her gaze and then the two resumed to picking at their meal.
"You should talk to her, you know?" Raven is startled at the wistfulness in Echo's voice as she makes her observation. "Maybe you guys can resolve whatever it is that happened between the two of you."
"I don't think that's possible." Raven sounds pitiful, even to her own ears, but it's true. "Murphy was right; Clarke and I have never actually been what you call friends."
Echo looks inquisitive and doesn't let the topic drop, "She was your friend enough for you to mourn for her life when we were up in space the first time."
"We mourned for everyone."
Echo concedes, because Raven has a point. Everyone mourned for someone during their time on the ring and it took its toll on them spiritually and physically. "Do you remember how we became friends?"
Raven smirks a little and then lets out a small chuckle, it's watered down by the emotion of the last day or so, but it's there. "You had no idea how to open the door from the main hall to the kitchen. You were also determined to eat something other than algae; we'd only been in space for what? A day?"
"You showed me how to operate the doors and when I still couldn't get it you eventually left notes. By the way, your notation of my language sucked." Echo laughed softly alongside her companion, "You know you're probably my first real friend."
The air changes between them, but Raven still nods and acknowledges what Echo has to say. Of course she knows that Echo's life was dismal and lonely. She had spent an unknown amount of time as a prisoner in Mount Weather and before that had been a spy for the Ice Nation. Afterward she had found herself working alongside men that couldn't have cared less if she made it out of a raid alive or not. Then they spent the time in space on the ring and for the first two years Raven watched Echo slowly piece everyone back together.
Echo started with Raven, worked her way into the engineers' everyday life on the ring. She always asked questions, feigned ignorance with a modern piece of technology, Echo even went as far as to sit in on the engineering brainstorm meetings. True, she had no real concept of what they were discussing, but she never missed a meeting. Once Raven stopped staring out into space –literally, for hours upon hours in angst riddled silence Echo moved on. She talked with Emori everyday and they bonded over their lives as outcasts and wanderers. Emori helped bring Murphy around again, besides Bellamy; Murphy had taken the longest to come around on the ring. A lot of times Echo made herself the target of his self-loathing anger and whenever he lashed out she ensured that it would be directed at her. Then there was Bellamy.
Echo worked tirelessly to get Bellamy to open up. She was his verbal punching bag, because he blamed her for Clarkes' death and he wished so desperately that it had been Clarke standing beside him, not her. Still, Echo stayed by his side and when he finally broke and let his despair and anguish push past the hurt and anger Echo was there. As one would expect, being in such close quarters can only go in so many directions and the direction that Echo and Bellamy had taken was not a shock to anyone on board. Their relationship was radiating warmth, soft touches and small smiles. Their displays of affection were respectful and measured, nobody felt like a third-wheel or out of place with the couple. When they had opted to share their quarters Raven had assumed that all the passion and heat that the pair were known for individually would combust. She thought that their tension would lead off into a fireworks display with catastrophic echoes and claps.
Instead, they settled in peacefully, lovingly. And then Clarke was alive again… but Raven was so confident in her knowledge of Bellamy and Echo that she didn't think anything of it. "You know he loves you right?"
Echo diverted her eyes, the women had taken a trip down memory lane, but instead of the sweet feeling it normally left within them it was bitter and dark. "He's in love with her though, isn't he?"
Raven bit at her bottom lip, "You should talk to him, and maybe he'll be honest with you."
Once Raven was left alone with her thoughts she couldn't' help but replay Echo's question. Bellamy and Echo had always been a peaceful sea breeze through an open window on a clear sunny day. Their relationship was tranquil and nothing like the turbulent seas that was the dynamic of Clarke and Bellamy. No, they were chaos in the middle of a storm. They were fire and oil and explosions on bridges, they were crushing emptiness and hands gripping each other over a pit of death. They were hands pulling a lever for freedom. They were the head and the heart and neither of them had ever done well without the other.
I could lie to be gentle,
We will never be the same…
The more adamant I am that it's the surface…
The more the walls begin to flake.
The next time Clarke was awake it was because she was startled out of her sleep by a nightmare. It wasn't uncommon, but it felt odd to wake up and have someone watching her, gauging her reaction and forming calculated responses and questions before she even fully opened her eyes. She couldn't have been out longer than an hour or two if the sunlight was any indication of time. For a second she imagined being back in the original Drop Ship, on Earth, when she woke up after forcing herself awake all night to watch after one of the original hundred delinquents. She half expected to roll out of the cot and see Jasper or Monty themselves or maybe even Fox or Harper… but instead as her eyes adjusted she saw Jordan.
Her weaknesses were never broadcasted so plainly before. She can see in his eyes that he's pained at her current condition and it makes it so much easier to hate herself, but instead of giving into the pull of self-pity and darkness that swims around the corner of her vision still she sits up fully. Sitting next to her is a plate of untouched food and as appealing as it looks she knows that it won't settle in her stomach long enough to sustain her before she's heaving it all back up. Her body has given up on her. Her mind has given up on. However, it appeared that nobody surrounding had… yet.
"You were thrashing around for a little while…" Jordan starts off uneasily, "… I wasn't sure if it would be better to wake you or let you wake up naturally though."
Clarke smiles softly over to the young boy. He's old enough to be considered a man, age wise of course, but he's still too young to have such distinct worry lines within his facial creases. She wishes that she was able to ease some of that burden. It's been an awkward minute when she realizes he's actually waiting for a reply, but it's been so long since someone's made a comment towards her in friendly conversation that she almost forgets how to respond. "No worries Jordan, I usually snap out of it after a while."
He nods once in recognition and then lets out a rather shaky breath. "So, uh, you know protocol and all says that you have to be supervised for at least seventy-two hours."
"Yes I'm familiar with it."
He nods once again and then stammers out his primary concerns. He can't ensure that he'll be the only one to watch her. He isn't equipped to handle this kind of treatment, he needs reinforcements or help (and she totally agrees). It's when he starts to pace around as he's explaining all these different reasons and liabilities that makes Clarke interrupt him. She does so softly, she doesn't demand to know what he's thinking, but she invites him to share some ideas and thoughts. She wants to discuss his concerns and it's nice, he thinks it's one of the nicest conversations he's had in the infirmary in a while, but…
"I can see you're not thrilled on the idea." She's not trying to hide her discomfort at the mention of Sanctum. "I'm not either and I know most of the Council won't be entirely on bored with this, but Clarke I really think this is the best shot at finding someone you can talk to that can actually help."
She wants to scream out that she isn't asking for help that she doesn't want it. She wants to stand up and walk out with her head held high and pretend that none of this happened. She wants to do these things simply so she can return to her area and try again and again and again until she's finally successful. There's just something in the pleading tone of Jordan's voice that pulls her from those thoughts and makes her wonder. It's a new voice that's ringing in her head, different from the hateful cold one she's been so used to, it's a little softer warmer even and deeper.
"I don't disagree with you; I think it's the only idea that makes sense." Clarke tries to keep the tremor of fear out of her voice. Sanctum scares her. The people of Sanctum scare her. The memory of what happened there leaves her terrified. Something must give it away because his hand is taking hers and he's reassuring her and telling her over and over that they're not letting her leave, she's not going anywhere and nobody is going to let anyone hurt her. "My reaction is silly, I know."
"No," Jordan starts, "… it's not silly at all Clarke. It's to be expected! After everything that happened I wouldn't blame you if you weren't open to the idea. It's just that, you've suffered enough and I don't' know how to fix this."
"I don't think it can be fixed Jordan… I think I'm just meant to feel like this." She squeezes his hand. "You can't fix everyone that comes through that door kid."
"You're right, but I'll be damned if I don't try."
"When should I expect my first visitor?" She moves to change the subject because the emotion in his voice is too much like Monty and the fire in his eyes as he addresses her is so much like Harper that it physically hurts. "C'mon, you can't tell me people haven't tried to bust the door in on this place."
His face softens a little bit and he lets out a more cheerful chuckle, "I'm meeting with the Council later on today and we're going to figure out who's best suited for the visitations, but I'd figure tomorrow morning should be fine."
She nods and smiles again; "Tomorrow is good," and then she yawns big and loud and she's shocked herself, "I guess I'm still tired."
"Then sleep Clarke, take all the time to rest you want."
She does and it feels wonderful.
Don't talk to me…
Raven popped in to the infirmary late afternoon. Part of her, a rather large part of her, hoped that Clarke would still be unconscious. She was never good at peaceful confrontation or apologies, but she had sat in silence in the mess hall for majority of the morning and early afternoon just processing what Echo had told her. Raven had felt actual fear when she first saw how Clarke was carried into camp with Bellamy. After everything that had happened in their past, all the mistakes and drama and animosity she hadn't felt fear for Clarke's life once. The details were still fuzzy but the underlying point was the same, Clarke had done that to herself and it scared Raven.
If someone as strong as Clarke could feel like their life simply wasn't worth living for anymore, then who knew what it could mean for the rest of them? Maybe Clarke was meant to show them how to heal this time instead of fight. If this fierce and beautiful woman before her could show that kind of weakness then maybe it wouldn't be so bad for the rest of them too. First, Raven had to get the courage to take a step. One foot in front of the other, she reminded herself, just keep going… Clarke taught her that, Clarke never stopped showing her how to live by putting one foot in front of the other.
Of course, nothing works out in reality the way that Raven works it out in her head. In her head her and Finn had gotten married and had a child while she continued to work for the engineering department of the Ark on her space walks. In her head it was Lexa that died that cold night and it was Clarke's body that burned in the town square –only for Raven to realize the mercy that was shown to Finn once she found herself tied up in the center of deceit as a scapegoat. In her head lots of things happened, she saw a lot of different outcomes that never came to be and they always left her with a chip on her shoulder that she couldn't shake. She had thought that when she approached Clarke that they'd both say sorry, they'd maybe cry a little and hug and everything would be fine.
If that was what she had wanted, she never should have opened with her pathetic attempt to brush everything under the rug. "Hey, you up for a visitor?"
Clarke raised an eyebrow, she was sketching or maybe she was reading, Raven wasn't sure, but either way the girl in the bed closed whatever book she had rested on her lap with a quick snap. She also hadn't said anything and they found themselves in an awkward bout of silence with an unexpected staring match. Eventually Clarke shrugged and opened the book back up and Raven took it has an invitation to fill in the empty seat beside the small bed.
"So…" she started awkwardly, "…I'm sorry?"
Clarke lifted her face out of the book and raised an amused eyebrow over at the girl beside her. "Is that supposed to be a question?"
"Well, no, but… I just don't know what else to say."
"You could try starting with telling me what you're sorry for." Clarke kept her tone light, even with her teasing comment, but it was difficult. Everything was difficult these days, but having to pretend around someone? It just took a breath out of Clarke that she simply didn't have. "Or you could just say sorry."
Raven tried not to let her temper get picked, but the idea of being dismissed so easily –again, ate at her. "Look I'm trying here alright? This isn't easy for me to do Clarke, you've taken everything from me and…"
"Wait, wait… you came in here to apologize and you start it off by reminding me of what I've done?" Clarke looks just as surprised as Raven feels in that moment. "Unbelievable, you're absolutely unbelievable."
Raven feels her spine straighten, "I'm unbelievable? Every decision you've ever made has cost me something valuable! My boyfriend, my family, my friends… and I'm trying to understand how everything always works out for you, yet here we are because you tried to kill yourself! I mean for Christ's sake Clarke, do you ever stop being so selfish?"
"Get out."
"I mean I could forgive you for having feelings for Finn, I make no excuses for what he did in that situation," Raven doesn't hear Clarke's stern demand and instead keeps going, "…but you killed him. I gave you a knife and told you to kill Lexa and you instead killed him! You sent Bellamy to die. You let a missile drop on TonDC. You turned Octavia into who she's become… every bad that thing that has ever happened to us is because of you."
Clarke swallows thickly and bites her lower lip.
"I just can't figure out why people keep choosing you, but I never imagined that you'd suddenly decide not to choose yourself." Raven feels herself becoming emotional, but she'll be damned if she lets her emotions take over anymore than they have.
"I want you to leave." Clarke states with steel in her voice, her eyes are cast forward and there's a chilling aura to her that wasn't there before.
"Clarke, I'm so…" And it's like Raven has just processed all that she's said and part of her can't believe it herself, she's startled when she hears the bite and chill of Clarke cutting her off.
"Shut up. Shut up and leave." Clarke's voice shakes as her words chase Raven out, "If you think for one second that I don't know what I've done and the repercussions of every single one of my decisions you're a moron Reyes. I've had to live with my decisions on my own while you're walking around as if you've never made a mistake. Oh God, I used to envy you because of it. I used to want to be like you, I mean let's not forget my mother chose you over me. While my mother called me toxic she was comforting you and you fucking ate it up. You sent me off to die! You didn't come here to apologize Raven; you came here to validate your feelings of disdain and hatred. Well you know what? I hate myself so much it's sickening, is that what you wanted to hear?"
Raven turns around sharply; "No! Of course that's not what I want to hear Clarke! I wanted to hear that you were sorry for thinking the solution to your problems was to stop existing."
"My life means nothing to you," Clarke has tears dripping from her chin, but she can't feel them, "…I'm sorry Raven, that I cause you so much heartache in our past lives and that you can't let it go."
"Your life means everything to me Clarke…" it's whispered in the heaviness of the air surrounding them, but it's powerful and Raven hadn't even realized how important it was to her to admit it until that moment, "…you're all I have left of all the good things in my life too and I am sorry."
She's just not sorry enough to stay while Clarke's body shakes with sobs. She's just not sorry enough to talk her through the bone crushing panic that tears through Clarke's body. She's just not sorry enough and it shows as she walks out the door with dry eyes.
Don't talk to me…
The meeting does not go as smoothly as Jordan had hoped it would. In fact he's had Bellamy stomping around and angry ever since he brought up his day trip to Sanctum to find someone Clarke could talk to. It's not just Bellamy though; it's everyone –except Madi who isn't aware there is a council meeting at the moment. They're all adamant that the issue can be resolved amongst them; they don't need someone, especially someone, from Sanctum. Jordan presses on though, because he needs them to understand.
"I know nobody likes this, I don't even like it, but it's the best shot we have at getting Clarke the help she needs." Jordan has his hands flailing around desperately as Bellamy continues to argue with him and he wishes that he had bought Clarke along. "The decision has been made Bellamy; I can't stress to you enough all the precautions I'm taking. I'm requesting a meeting with some specialists and if we can all agree on a criterion I'll see if anyone meets it. And no, I'm not expecting Clarke to back into that place; they'll have to come to us. I've already talked it over with her too."
"Does nobody care about what they did to her literally less than six months ago?"
Everyone hears the crack in Bellamy's voice, but nobody comments on it. They expect a remark to come from Murphy, but he's agreed to sit with Clarke for the duration of the meeting so there's nobody sitting around the table that can break the tension. Echo moves towards Bellamy slowly and with a soft soothing voice, she brushes her hand down his face and it's like he's snapped out of a trance. Her eyes are the wrong color though and he's wanted desperately to see Clarke's eyes all day. She hadn't been up to visitors and Jordan didn't think it best to bombard her.
"Are you okay with that Bellamy?"
He wasn't paying attention, but Echo's looking at him and he can see that the decision has truly already been made. "Yeah, I'm okay with it."
He's not, he's so not okay with everything that's been happening around him that he feels as if he's having an out of body experience. His breath is too shallow and there's cool sweat that's been on his brow and neck all day. His hands have been trembling as well, but he's kept his fists clenched so nobody can notice. He doesn't have too much time to dwell on their discussion point, because Jordan is moving forward. They need volunteers to monitor Clarke for the twenty four hours that he'll be away and Octavia has already offered to take twelve of them. Bellamy insists he'll take the last twelve that way he can be there to meet the specialist first thing.
He's stunned when Jordan denies Raven the request to sit with Clarke but allows Echo to take the first twelve. "Wouldn't it make more sense to have Raven sit with her?"
Jordan shakes his head and then makes eye contact with Raven, who is obviously ignorant as to his reasoning and it makes him so mad he practically seethes. "I just don't think it's a good idea to have someone who can trigger her emotional distress sit with her."
Raven scoffs; "I trigger her? That's rich."
"Well it's either that or I imagined you leaving the infirmary with Clarke in a full on panic. She hasn't spoken a word or responded to anything Murphy, Emori or I have tried in over six hours." Jordan lets his words sink in and he's pleased to see some kind of recognition light up in her eyes, "I think you two just need some space."
"All we've had is space!" There's a ripple of emotion that runs through Raven as she argues her point, because it's not fair that everyone gets to talk of redemption and how to actually earn it, but she's closed off. She's trying. "So Echo tries to kill Clarke and she gets to sit with her for twelve hours, in an enclosed space with nobody else around?"
Bellamy snapped his eyes to Echo as Raven continued in her hysteria. "You did what?" and the background noise just fades out around the couple and his question is so quiet that Echo wonders if he even asked.
"Bell… it's not…" Echo stops and tries to gather her thoughts, but Bellamy is starting to leave the meeting in a flurry of motion and Echo turns to face the rest of them. She looks defeated and Raven looks sorry –sincerely sorry, but none of that changes the fact that the world is crashing all around everyone in this room and nobody knows how to deal with it. If there's one thing that they were never prepared for, it was the aftermath of chaos and how to process their own grief individually.
Jordan wonders if whoever they recruit realizes their hands will be full.
Keeping count,
As if the hurt could balance…
Don't walk with me…
Clarke is on her side facing the wall, her throat hurts and her eyes sting and Murphy just refuses to go away. She thought she if she had just pretended that everything was ok that everything would start to go back to normal and she could slip away. She should have known that her attempt would put a mark on her, leave everyone on edge. She's ruined everything for everyone once more and she detests herself for it.
Murphy just sits and watches the steady rise and fall of her chest. When he had first come in to relieve Jordan for the meeting Clarke had been vomiting into a basin, upon closer (gross) inspection Murphy noticed it was mostly bile and acid, no real food particles or any sign that she's ingested anything of substance for a while. Another I.V. had to be started for her; she lost any liquid that she'd manage to retain twelve hours beforehand. Upon his inquisition to the young medic he had found out that Raven decided to stop in.
Murphy tried not to simply point the finger and pass blame. He was no more saint than anyone else around him, but he found it more and more difficult to do so while he watched Clarke lose it again and again and again. She'd been in a catatonic silence for hours but he could tell she was awake by the twitch of her fingers. He wondered how often she clenched her nails along her forearms. How many scars littered her body by her own doing? If that was the case, and he was sure that it was he wondered how deep this negative Clarke went.
Her fingers finally relaxed and her breath started to even out. Murphy was lost in thought by time Jordan made his way back into the infirmary. "She's finally calmed down."
"That's because I put a sedative in with the I.V., but hopefully she doesn't ever find that out."
"Do you think she has a chance?"
Jordan sits down across the way of Murphy and looks over at Clarke. "Fighting the demons in your own mind is a lot harder than the demons that consume people."
"I just don't understand how nobody ever saw the signs."
"For all we know she's been facing this battle for a long time," Murphy lets out a low curse at Jordan's cryptic analysis. "I think if she's still here right now it's because there's a part of her that wants to live, but I don't know if that part outweighs the other."
Murphy taps his fingers on the lumpy mattress in thought. The silence stretches between the two men for a few minutes before the older of the two of them voices his overall concern. "We're all a little fucked."
Jordan snorted; "Under-statement of the year."
Your dirty feet are obvious,
And how could you brag confidence?
A willing keen participant,
In rolling waves of incidents…
Echo finds Bellamy pacing in their cabin with his hands in his hair. He's already kicked over a chair in his venting and Echo approaches him slowly. She's transported back to the first time in space, the first time she tried talking to him after she betrayed him. Her throat feels just as tight as it did that day. Her hands shake in much the same way. This time though, her stomach is in knots out of despair and not because she's uncertain. Bellamy Blake has always based his relationships on honesty and trust and family.
Echo has always resented that Bellamy valued Clarke as strongly as he did. From the very beginning, all the way back in Mount Weather. Everything he did was for Clarke, because of Clarke, to protect Clarke… Clarke, Clarke, Clarke! So the moment that he had turned his grieving mind from Clarke to her she jumped. Soon it was Echo that Bellamy consulted on his hard decisions, it was Echo that he sought out and ensured safety for. Echo was his new muse and she never even considered the possibility that Clarke would survive the death wave.
She can also admit that she had acted under extreme distress and although it wasn't an excuse Echo had thought that when the time came to have this discussion things wouldn't have been so escalated. She realizes that's just as wishful thinking as hoping Clarke would die. Except, she no longer wants Clarke to die! Begrudgingly she had worked alongside the fierce woman and she had found herself building respect. She operated in similar ways to Bellamy and it was admirable and brave and all these other things that Echo wasn't.
Her breath stops short in her throat when he finally turns towards her, his eyes are cold and distant and his hair is just a mess on top of his head. He's heaving as if he had just run a long distance and Echo aches to fix it for him, but what she's seeing can't be fixed by her or anyone else. This is all Bellamy, this is his rage, and this is his emotional response after avoiding emotions for over a century. This man in front of her is not the man she fell in love with, not the man she'd kill for and she worries. How could she not have seen that this was where it all was leading? How could she not know that everything would come bursting apart at the seams in one way or another? Nobody in their circle has ever truly known peace, but with peace comes quiet and sometimes quiet is violent.
So she breaks the silence and is ashamed at how utterly pathetic her voice sounds to her as she begs him to understand and to just listen to her, "Bellamy please, let me explain."
"What is there to explain?" He throws his hands out in exasperation. "You tried to kill one of the most important people in my life and you lied about it for years! I found out because Raven is having a mental breakdown. So what is there to explain?"
"You just don't understand! You weren't there!" Echo takes a step towards him, but he backs away and its hurt enough to make tears spring to her eyes. "She left you in Polis to die Bell… she left you. I couldn't forgive her for that."
Bellamy feels his temper rise as heat spread across his body, "It wasn't your right to forgive her! In case you forgot we did the same exact fucking thing! I left her to die! Then I destroyed the only thing that kept her alive in solitude and I understood her reaction, I forgave her!"
"I understand that now," she's trying to get them both to stop yelling, she can handle many different versions of Bellamy, but she's never been able to handle his booming voice when he yells. "I love you, so, so much Bellamy and I acted out in fear and resentment."
He shakes his head, because that isn't enough. It's not enough to hear the woman he loves pleads for him to understand and forgive a sin he simply cannot forgive. Echo saved his life on the ring, Echo is who he fell in love with when he needed it, but Echo could never be Clarke and he's battled with that hold up their entire relationship. "This needs to stop Echo."
"Bellamy please," but it isn't enough, she isn't enough and the inevitable that she knew would come is standing before her. She isn't ready. "I never should have laid my hands on her. I should have told you. I shouldn't have ever allowed you to make a promise I knew you couldn't keep…"
"You mean the promise that nothing would change? God damnit Echo if I had wanted Clarke that badly I wouldn't have built a home with you! I chose you! I love you! And all this time you've been hiding secrets from me. I could have forgiven you if you had told me, but even now you're sorry I found out."
Echo shakes her head, her emotions are all over her face and tears are running freely. "No! No, I assumed Clarke told you. I didn't know you never knew! I… I don't know, I…"
"Clarke never mentioned it and it shouldn't have been her responsibility to do so." Bellamy leans against the table he built for them in the middle of their open space. Echo had been so happy when he brought it in, he looked so proud and their space was starting to feel like a home. She had never experienced that feeling before. "If you think for one second that I wouldn't have confronted you about something like that, then you don't know me at all. What did you think? She'd tell me and I'd side with you and that would be it?"
Echo shakes her head again, the fight is no longer in her and if Bellamy wasn't reeling from all the emotions he's felt in the last twenty-four hours he'd have taken her in to his arms and they could have talked about it, but when it came to Clarke? There was never any rationalization and he knew that there was no going back from this moment, this decision. "I love you Echo…"
She lets out a small defeated chuckle, "… but she's it for you. It was always going to be Clarke, that's how it's meant to be Bellamy."
She walks over to stand right in front of him and looks into his eyes. They're less cold; they're full of tears he hasn't let drop yet. She places her hands on his chest and leans up, but when she presses her lips against his it takes him a while to respond. Longer than it ever has and it breaks her heart. They break apart because he has his hands on her elbow and is slowly stepping back. The inevitable has happened and Echo agrees that the taste of regret is bitter on her lips.
She wants to tell him that in two days she's leading an expedition group to the north and they'll be gone for about two weeks. She wants to tell him that when she comes back they can work it out, but she knows that when she comes back things will already be moving in a vastly different direction. She wants to tell him that she'll have her stuff out before she leaves, but that makes it too real. So instead she says nothing as she steps into the early evening air.
She walked with her head held high towards the mess hall, but she couldn't face everyone (read; she couldn't face Madi or Raven). Instead she ends up leaning heavily against the far side wall as her sobs escape her. She's so sure that she's alone that she startles when she feels a hand on her shoulder and turns to see Octavia looking at her with patience and understanding.
"If it helps, I cried the first time he chose her over me too."
You've made your bed,
Now sleep in it you prince.
Bellamy sneaks into the infirmary once the camp has quieted down for the night. Jordan gave him specific instructions not to do so; "She can't handle any kind of upset, whatever happened between her and Raven was enough." Although, Bellamy is positive that what happened between her and their token mechanic would not be the outcome of his surprise visit.
They know each other too well, or he thought that they did, but obviously he was too blind and stupid to see what was happening with her. You let her down again, he thinks to himself as he approaches the cot and notices the I.V. that's still stuck in her arm. He notices how small she looks in comparison to the big personality she's always had. She's translucently pale and the circles under eyes are prominent in the dark. She looked better upon waking up from having Josephine removed.
He beats himself up for not staying with her. There had been minor details to see to and as leader he had to see to them. He thought with his head while his heart lay on that cold table and was alone. He can't make up all their lost time, but he can stop playing this avoidance game. He only avoided her because it hurt, because it took him weeks to figure out something was wrong. He avoided her because he told her she wasn't his family and that's so far from the truth! He doesn't know how to tell her everything, because it just seemed like too much.
No to mention she avoided him too. Granted, she had made her feelings very clear after the truth of the radio messages came out and he had stayed with Echo. He loved Echo, but the ache in his chest whenever he wanted to share something with her and she didn't understand was just one of the many reminders that she wasn't Clarke. Fuck, he screwed up; he screwed up so bad he wasn't sure he'd forgive himself if he were in their positions. He knows though, he knows that Clarke will always forgive him –them, and it scares him. It scares him so much because he knows they'll never be able to fix whatever this is if she just keeps forgiving them.
He sits beside her as quietly as possible and shouldn't be shocked at all when her clear blue eyes are open and softly watching him. He inhales softly and reaches his hand out, her fingers are cold and her grip is weak but it's there and it's the most comforting thing he can ever recall feeling. Even from the very beginning on Earth he always felt his most confident when her hand was in his. He lets his thumb rub along her knuckles in a pointless pattern and she closes her eyes with a heavy sigh.
He thinks that this is how it should be; this heaviness that's surrounded them for too long is dissipating. He feels comfortable in his own skin for the first time in months. He wants to cherish her and hold her and he can finally say these things to her, but then he's remembering Jordan's warning. Now he's concerned that sharing those feelings with her would be too much too soon and it scares him all over again, because if he has to destroy the universe to keep from ever having to hold her limp body in his arms again, he'll do it. Instead of verbally relaying all of it to her he just brings her hand to his lips.
For now that's enough.
They would've flared out like summer,
Just some pictures I could keep.
Your memory's inventive,
I won't ever fall asleep.
In the soft morning glow Clarke wakes up to see Bellamy's head against her side on the cot. Here hand is gripped in his in such a way that she fears she'll have difficulty moving her fingers throughout the day. She knows her first 'visitor' will be arriving soon –as Jordan has referred to her mandatory watch as visitations now, and she suspects it isn't Bellamy. Although she desperately wants it to be, she so badly wants to beg and plead with him to just sit with her throughout these next couple of days. Realistically she knows that's not possible, he's a camp leader and can't spend days at a time missing from the action just because she felt nice holding his hand. Not to mention Echo, as much as Clarke resented their relationship she respected the woman and would never want to do something to jeopardize their relationship.
She watches as the warm sunlight streaks through his curls and highlights his face. His freckles look like constellations across his skin and Clarke feels a surge of nostalgia for the children they once were. The both of them atop the drop-ship of their home camp (before Camp Jaha and Arkadia) just looking into endless pools of wonder, it's where they contemplated their lives, their futures and pasts and where they played pretend. She let her free hand ghost over his skin ever so lightly; she didn't want to wake up, the dark circles prominent under his eyes even in sleep. Ever the guard that he is, his eyes are open and taking in his surroundings almost immediately before his deep sweet looking eyes are locked with hers.
She's envious, because the sunlight falls in such a way that his eyes look like deep pools of honey and warmth. Eyes are the key to the soul and she believes with all her heart that his soul is as warm and as kind as the endless pools she's caught staring into. She wonders if anyone has looked into her eyes and sees the ice and emptiness that echoes throughout her soul? She wonders what he sees when he looks at her as intently as he is in this moment. She doesn't realize she's even shared her thoughts until he's smiling softly.
His voice is a whispering ghost that sends goose bumps along her arms. "I see a shade of blue that couldn't' be matched by the clearest sky. Sometimes they're almost gray, like the clouds that form storms over the ocean. They're fighters' eyes, but they are certainly not cold or empty."
She wishes that she had better control of her emotions, because she is apologizing and crying but it's not heavy think sobs; instead just tears that she can't contain and empty sighs and soft tremors. Her eyes are big, round, and full and the sincerity in her voice as she whispers out the one thought that has always weighed the heaviest on her chest. "I'm not worth it…"
"No Clarke," his heart breaks as he pleads in the early morning silence around them, "no, no, no… you're worth so much more, ok? Do you understand? You're worth so much more."
"You should have let me go…"
He's not sure if she's referring to the recent incident or if she's talking about all the many times he's pulled her life out of direct danger. He doesn't regret any of those times that he saved her life and he wishes that he could help her see it. Instead he takes his hands, freeing himself from her grasp and gently frames her face. The calluses on his hands feel odd against her smooth skin. Of course, there are small little scars and bumps along the highest part of her cheekbones, but Bellamy only sees the perfection of Clarke Griffin. His thumbs catch the dampness under her lashes.
"I could never let you go Princess… you hear me Clarke? Never."
She almost believes him, almost.
And now I'm sorry for explaining,
How you fucked it up again…
Now I'm watching you backpedal,
I wasn't supposed to feel ashamed…
A/N: Please check the song inspiration behind this part; Grow Old by The Naked and Famous!