"Full house, queen high." said Kira, placing five cards on the table. "Let's see you beat this. You have a better hand?"

"A worthy opponent is a rare thing that gives our lives meaning." replied Kars. "However-"

"you are not one of them."

"WHAMMU!" shouted the owner of the name. "REVEAL YOUR CARDS, MY MASTERS!"

Kira buried his face in his hands in preparation for the melodrama he had to experience on a daily basis.

AYAYAYAYYY

Esidisi contorted his body in the shape of a 7, using his veins to flip the respective card. "SEVEN OF HEARTS!" The Pillar Man shouted.

Whammu did the same as Esidisi, his bones audibly snapping to perform the pose. A gust of wind turned over the face down card on the table. "SEVEN OF SPADES!" bellowed the airbender.

Kars released his bone blade with an audible shnk, revving the puppy up to full speed in less time than it took for everyone to forget about Santana. A blinding light filled the room, and once it subsided, Kars produced a card from seemingly out of nowhere. "SEVEN OF CLUBS!" boomed the ultimate lifeform.

Kira checked his watch, then let out another groan. He had forgotten his watch was broken, and ever since entering this purgatory, he hadn't exactly had a chance to get a new one.

At the moment, the three were performing a synchronized dance, and their theme song that was playing on a laptop in the background was currently at 1 minute 40 seconds.

"Look, can you, for once, just reveal your cards all at once?" lamented Kira.

"Of course not, you uncultured monkey." Kars said simply. "The bass hasn't dropped yet. It is necessary to wait until 2:22, or else we become worse than you, human. We need to distinguish ourselves from you disgusting-"

"Lord Kars! 2:22 is approaching!" reminded Whammu.

Kars refocused on the task at hand, counting down the exact seconds to 2:22.

3…

2…

1…

Zero.

Kars did a backflip, and then posed, crossing his arms as wings sprouted from his back. Whammu and Esidisi revealed the last two cards, tossing them with such force that they embedded themselves in the table.

A seven of diamonds and a six of hearts.

"It seems like we have won! Lord Kars has proved that he is superior, in both mind and luck!" proclaimed Whammu, who was always one for competition.

"Hold on a minute."

"What? We have won, human. You only prolong your inevitable fate. This battle was decided before it started!" commanded Esidisi hotly.

Kira picked up the seven of spades and inspected it carefully.

"This card isn't plastic."

"And what does that prove?" demanded Whammu. "Do not dishonor our match, human. You must learn to accept your defeat, and come back and face lord Kars when you are stronger!"

Kira bent the card, and it folded without an issue. "Kars, did you make this?" inquired the Japanese man.

"Don't be preposterous. I can only create organic matter." scoffed Kars. The other two Pillar Men guffawed at the human so desperately attempting to salvage his pride.

"Yes, and paper is organic. I'm guessing that when you filled the room with light,, you turned part of your skin into a tree or something, and made this." reasoned Kira. "As for the red and black on the cards, I'm guessing that's squid ink and blood. Am I right?"

Kars cackled with maniacal laughter. "Yes, and I will do whatever to win. The end justifies the means! I-"

"Lord Kars… you- you cheated!?" cried Whammu tearfully, his eyes wide from shock.

"Wait, I can explain, Whammu- look, it was necessary to-"

"I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL TOGETHER!"

Whammu ran off crying upstairs, Kars following after him, trying to form a coherent apology.

Doppio, who had been extremely quiet up to this point, smirked and placed down a colorful UNO card. " Plus four!" he said smugly, looking extremely proud of himself.

Thousands of miles away, Guido Mista felt a chill run down his back.

"Look, Doppio, I've told you before; we're not playing UNO. Also, can't you see the future? Why aren't you playing poker?" said an extremely exasperated hand fetishist.

"What does seeing the future have to do with being good at poker?" asked Doppio curiously.

"Well- oh never mind." If the fucking idiot couldn't figure it out himself, he didn't need to tell him.

God, what did he do to deserve this hell?

Well, maybe he killed a few people, but for a guy who wanted to live peacefully, this punishment was still far too cruel.

Suddenly, the door was kicked down, and DIO appeared seemingly out of nowhere, followed closely by Pucci and Vanilla Ice.

"WHAT'S UP BITCHes- Pucci why isn't my theme song playing." sighed DIO. "You know, the one that goes bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom? The one menacing enough to materialize words out of thin air?"

"Sorry, Lord Dio, but I can't quite find the right CD to put in the player." replied Pucci as he sifted through his collection of dics. ̶G̶o̶d̶ DIO knows what would happen if he put in a stand disk.

"Oh, never mind. There's no need. Just get it sorted out, because I can't destroy the Joestars without my jam." he chuckled, petting Pucci on the head.

Everyone in the room stared at the two, with Vanilla Ice shooting Pucci a venomous glare akin to a teenage girl.

.

"That is exceedingly homosexual." spoke Valentine, being from the 19th century.

"That is beside the point. What matters is that the Joestars have gathered themselves like kittens in a box, a box that is perfectly fit for running over with an automobile!" replied DIO, obviously not trying to change the topic.

What was with DIO and bad similes?

Regardless, a collective murmur was heard among the Jojo villains.

"Y- yes, the may be in one place for an easy picking, but together, they may be a formidable force." stuttered Diavolo, still traumatized from the constant deaths that Giorno had put the schizo through.

"That may be true, but together, like a colony of Japanese hornets trying to protect their nest, we are more powerful together than individually. In any case, Yoshikage Kira here is the most important here. If we were to fail in our actions, he could turn back time in order to warn us of our mistakes." declared the blonde vampire.

The excitement among the villains was apparent as the prospect of destroying the Joestars joestarted to enter their minds.

This was why Kira preferred to be second in everything. He didn't want any part of this, although seeing Josuke atomized as he made out with Shinobu on a pile of severed hands was a recurring wet dream of his. (Not that he would tell anyone, especially not the world's largest collection of megalomaniacs.)

"Now, as the original Jojo villain, it seems obvious that I am most fit for the position as leader."

Unsurprisingly, everyone except Pucci and Vanilla Ice seemed to disagree.

"Now, what makes you more eligible for a leadership position than I, the literal president of the United States?" argued the blond, summoning his stand, 「Atrocious Actions Accomplished At An Affordable Amount: Love Locomotive.」

This prompted DIO to summon 「The World」and「Red Ruler」, 「Shaped in Shagri-La」, and「Murderous Monarch's Most-Recent Missile, Munches the Mud」were all prepared in self defense for the oncoming shitshow. Kars, who had returned from the upper floor, although he had no idea what was going on (for he could not see stands) readied his Brilliant Bone Blade.

DIO slowly strutted over to Valentine, fully prepared to Abraham Lincoln the fucker.

Suddenly, an ambulance burst through the wall, instantly decapitating Diavolo. Kira shrieked and pissed his pants, and the ambulance almost hit DIO, but was erased by Vanilla Ice before that could happen.

Kira was still hyperventilating a good 5 minutes after that.

Santana walked in through the door, holding a bag of groceries. "My masters. I have brought the sustenance you required as you asked. Do you require anything further?"

"Yes, now go make us sandwiches. Extra bloody, as we like it." commanded Esidisi.

"Unfortunately, my master, the human stores do not sell blood. If you wish, I will gladly fetch some-"

"No need." said Kars as he tossed Diavolo's decapitated head to Santana. "Now get in the kitchen, worm."

"So who's the boss?" asked Doppio innocently.

Kira's eyes widened as he came up with a genius plan to simultaneously clear out the house and eliminate those pesky Joestars, and spoke up. "Why don't you all take your minions, and see who can destroy them first?" He chuckled at his own ingenuity.

A moment of silence as the various villains considered t

"That… might work." mused Pucci.

Diavolo, who had just returned from the dead, stood up and said "I will ready my Unita Speciale. They will not-"

The kitchen was engulfed in a ball of flames as something presumably exploded, although it probably wasn't Whammu this time. Somehow, Santana had blown up the kitchen whilst making sandwiches.

Diavolo, who had been sitting closest to the kitchen, was instantly killed in the blast.

"Can I have his properties? I need another green to finish my set." asked Doppio, unusually unconcerned about his boss.

Unfazed, DIO stood up. "Come, Enrico, Vanilla Ice. We will make preparations."

Kira sighed in relief, as he would finally have some peace and quiet after the rest of the villains left, and h-

"You are coming with us." DIO pointed at him.

Wait, what?

The World appeared behind DIO, complete with floating purple katakana and vampiric flesh buds.

Kira did not want to become a ghost a second time. So he did what he had to survive, and hoped luck was on the side of Yoshikage Kira.