Ichigo's Guide To Dating A Mermaid

Dear Reader, if you find yourself in a relationship with a gorgeous woman whose beautiful legs turn into tailfins whenever they come in contact with water or during any other circumstance whatsoever, then congratulations, you are so screwed! Sincerely, Ichigo Kurosaki

Disclaimer: I don't own bleach and I don't want to :P (but despite the horrid ending, I'm still doing this.)

LESSON ONE: DEALING WITH FINDING OUT THAT SOMEONE IS A MERMAID

(...AND THAT YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH ONE)

By Ichigo Kurosaki

Talking about first encounters, you're probably wondering which I saw first, the human legs or the fish tail?

In my case, I had to deal with the tail first. And trust me, the shock of seeing her tailfins, doesn't really lessen the impact of seeing it turn into two very "human" legs. But the key here is to stay calm and composed when faced with these kinds of revelations because Mermaids, believe it or not, are very mischievous creatures—okay, maybe not all of them, but the easier you encounter one, the more dangerous they are bound to be.

And why do I say that?

Well, you see, although they can be very cautious creatures, if they find you to be someone who is incredibly inferior (...or gullible) to them then congratulations because you are seriously in some deep shit. You'll most likely become one of their targets and that is not a "good" thing. Think of them as predators in that scenario and you are, obviously, the prey.

So, at this point, my advice to you is to not engage or to just get as far away as possible and fast especially if you think that you don't stand a chance against their charms because if they see you in a state of shock, fear, awe or doing something stupid or anything that proves you to be vulnerable to their tricks, trust me, they'll take advantage of it.

Now, you're probably wondering how I managed to do all that calm and composed bullshit I just mentioned earlier...

The answer to that is... I didn't.

That's why I'm telling you what to do!

And I think this is probably the best time to tell you that Rukia is the Siren type, which is one of the many (and I mean many) kinds of mermaids.

If you don't know what sirens are, well, they're the ones who are usually aren't afraid to come in contact with humans because they simply have this unique ability of seducing someone into submission and then dragging them into the ocean to drown and eventually... you know... die.

Why would they do that, you ask?

I have no fucking idea. I've tried asking Rukia about it but she just... shrugs it off... which to me, isn't really satisfying to say the least but do I dare pry any further than that?

Hell no.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to scary you or anything, I'm just stating facts here. But if you think that's fucking scary? Just think about how I feel whenever I ask her how many men she'd drown before and she just smiles back and changes the subject.

Suspicious? Yes.

But again, do I dare pry any further? Fuck no.

Anyway, I'm getting a bit off topic. And now, to clarify some questions you may have...

Did she drown me? Well, I wouldn't be here writing this if she did.

Did I act like an idiot, freaked-out and embarrassed myself in front of her when I saw her tail? Fuck... Yes. And I can still feel the chills whenever I remember.

Did she think it was funny? Yes, she most certainly did.

And did she try to seduce me afterwards? Well, honestly, she didn't need to... because the moment I heard her laugh, I knew...

I'd do anything for her.

Er... Anyway... I'm going to remind you again, just in case you weren't paying attention.

DO NOT ENGAGE if you think your mental state cannot handle their tricks because if you do, there's a 99.99 % chance that you'll end up hundreds of feet below the sea (or in any large body of water) in a matter of seconds as a consequence of your foolishness.

But I guess it would be fair to also mention that if you're that very fortunate bastard that belongs in the 0.01%, your stupidity might (and this is a super rare case if hadn't made it clear enough) just have you end up going home with this really, really gorgeous girl, who was probably going to drown you to death just a few minutes before but who cares? You wouldn't have time to think about that because her magical tail just turned into two pairs of incredibly sexy woman legs.

Shocking? Hell, yes.

Still, I wouldn't take my chances on that 0.01% scenario though because again, it takes weird circumstances for even weirder outcomes to turn out.

And if you're just so hard-headed that you still took your chance with this mystical being, regardless of all my warnings, and you miraculously survived that first encounter, then the best tip that I can give you when you're dealing with this new predicament of yours is to just learn to accept her for all that she is...

...be it for her having sexy human legs, that she can barely walk with, or a set of mystical fish tails, that can make her swim so fast you'll miss it if you blink, because at the end of the day, you'll mostly be dealing with the upper half of her which lets you appreciate how beautiful her smile is or... how captivating her violet eyes are or... how soft her hands could be that you find yourself never wanting to let go... Or...

Er... I'm getting carried away but my point is, luckily, the upper half doesn't turn into anything else... Or, at least, none that I know of... (I really should check on that, shouldn't I?)

And of course, if you find yourself to be actually in love with her then trust me, her magical lower half will be the least of your problems.

And if she feels the same way...

Then damn, none of those petty concerns would even matter.

You can take my word for it because regardless of our differences, being in love with and being loved by Rukia Kuchiki was the best goddamn thing that's ever happened to me.

And that concludes, lesson number one.

A/N: We're in super lockdown mode. Hope you guys are all safe. Are you excited about the bleach announcement? Yeah, me too (whatever your answer was). Anyway, I'm actually enjoying writing these little shorts. Also, I just realized that I've already had an experience writing from a first person perspective and that's my "Not Another Cinderella Story" fic. I mean, for some reason, I ended up re-reading that and I cannot believe how I was able to come up with that... I mean, it's not perfect and not to float my own boat but it's not bad. Anyway, I guess this is my first time writing from a guy's perspective? I guess I'll just go with that. So, review and stay amazing :)