Please
Bob walked down the dark Louisiana alleyway that night, exploring his new home. He was used to seeing snow everywhere around this time, but he was starting to like this warmer climate.
Bob's new and improved meal routine was simply stopping by the alley of a fancy restaurant, or begging some rich homeowner for food. He had developed a taste for Cajun cuisine, especially beignets--so, so much more appetizing than the McDonalds back up north.
The Annabelle White shelter was just a few blocks away, and Bob had to duck under benches or trees every now and then, as it was raining. From underneath a few newspapers a very wet Bob struggled to keep warm.
Then suddenly, something caught his eye. He peered out from underneath the newspapers (only to get a face full of rainwater). Bob shook his face, then he saw it. A beautiful silver cat was walking across the street, completely undeterred by the rain.
"Wow..." thought Bob as he took in her facial features. "Much better than those snotty Minnesota babes.."
He shook off the newspapers, and started to follow her. She looked back at him and winked. Bob only continued to chase her, through fences, over buildings and even on top of a few boats! Finally she stopped. Bob purred at her, then she purred seductively. Bob grasped her wet body and hugged her.
"Hi." He said. "I'm Bob."
"Hey..." she said in the hottest voice Bob had ever heard. "My name is--"
At that moment an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere. It was a gas carrier, and it was on fire. The eighteen wheeler squashed Bob's new girlfriend, and plummeted off the road, exploding.
The bloodied corpse of Bob's girlfriend was then flung into a construction site. Bob looked over
the rim, and watched in horror as a loud 'THUD.' penetrated the area. His girlfriend had been crunched by a wrecking ball.
Bob quickly grabbed the body before anyone could see him and hurried home. He looked at her. She
was so beautiful. He didn't even get
to know her, and yet here she was; lifeless and bloody in his arms.
Bob had to get help.
And he knew just where to get it.
——————-
——
"...screwdriver."
"...hammer."
"...rubber duck."
Frank-N-Beans continued to work on his newest invention from within the shelter break room. His assistant, a hunchbacked turtle named E. Gore was helping him.
"E. GOOOOORRREE!!!" He called.
"WHERE'S THAT VESPA?!!"
"Right here, mah-ster..." the turtle croaked.
"Wonderful!" Frank clapped his hands together. "Now, could you be a dear and get a blowtorch, some yo-yos, and isolate the fourth dimension? Oh! And while you're at it, make me a cheese latte."
E. Gore started to walk away. He
looked back.
"Yes, mah-ster..." he sighed.
E was just about to get to the latte maker when--
"DOOOOOOOOOCCC!!!!" Yelled Bob as he burst through the door. The force of when he opened the door sent E. Gore flying.
"WOAH!!" Dr. Frank-N-Beans ducked as the turtle flew past his
head. He got to his feet.
"THIS HAD BETTER BE GOOD, FRESH STEP!!" Frank yelled. "IM' IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING VERY VERY BRILLIANT HERE!!!"
"I see..." said Bob. "BUT THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!!" The limp corpse of the dead cat rolled from Bob's arms and stopped at Frank-N-Beans' head.
"YEEH!" Frank stepped back.
"I know," said Bob. "Grody, but I saw
her get run over by an eighteen-wheeler and crushed by a wrecking ball!"
"Hmm..." Frank lifted up the dead cat's arm and let it plop back down.
Frank continued to examine the cat and mumbled something. He looked inside its mouth, then he laughed.
"WHAT A PERRRRRRFECT SPECIMEN, ROBERT!!AHAHAHAHAAA!!"
"Specimen?" Said Bob. "What do ya mean?"
"You see, Robert," Frank-N-Beans
hopped on a swiveling chair and pressed a button on a computer, showing the accomplishments made by humans.
"Throughout history, many people have made great accomplishments to our world. They claim that animals are far more stupid than they. Do you ever see an animal making a major scientific breakthrough?! NO!!" Frank slammed the computer. He continued to speak. "I, Robert, intend on doing what no human has done before...do you ever hear the expression, "cats have nine lives"?"
"Y-yeah?" Said Bob.
"Well, I intend on doing just that, yes, Bob, as you may have figured out..."
Frank-N-Beans extended the chair up through a hole he made into the roof. He inhaled.
"I AM GONNA BRING THE DEAD TO LIIIIIIIIFEEE!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
A bolt of lightning struck the air, and Frank coughed due to his hard evil laugh. He bought the chair back down.
"...your latteee, mah-ster..." E had just gotten back, carrying a mug with a yellow concoction inside.
"Thank you--" Frank took the latte and started downing it, liquid cheese staining his lab coat. "NOW LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!"
E. Gore pulled back a sheet covering something rather enormous. That something was a huge laser-like machine composed entirely of random household objects and wires pointed directly at a slab. Frank and Bob placed the corpse onto the slab, and chained it down. Next, they placed a blanket over it.
"Now," said Frank. "According to my
calculations, at approximately 2000 hours--that's in a few minutes--a lightning bolt should strike this exposed area, into the laser, powering it up. Once we have obtained the power of the lightning, we will close the hatch, and then E will activate the laser on the corpse, thereby resuscitating it. Also, I've made a few modifications to the body so as to ensure a better survival, so, don't be surprised if it looks a little weird."
E opened the hatch.
Bob, Frank, and E all put on "protective gear", (actually welding helmets, pots and pans, and sunglasses). The lightning from outside struck Frank's enormous laser.
"CLOSE IT!!!!" Yelled Frank.
E obeyed. The hatch closed, and Frank pressed a large, red button.
The laser activated, charring the blanket. It kept on blasting and blasting, until it ran out of power.
Bob yanked the blanket off of the electrocuting corpse. Frank-N-Beans' "modifications" made it look much more horrendous!
It now had crab legs instead of hind paws, one bat wing, one bird wing, a scorpion's tail, and its hair was up in a strange beehive. It also had bolts on its neck, and heterochromia. Frank approached
his creation. He laughed maniacally, and stroked its fur,
admiring its wings and added
features. He laughed maniacally again, as the creation looked at its creator.
"IT'S ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVEEE!!!!" He yelled. Frank grabbed E. Gore and screamed in his face.
"ALLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE I TELL YA!!!"
"I will call you..." Frank-N-Beans
paused, and looked at his creation once more. "...Patricia."
"Nope!" Said the creation. "Pat-ree-shuh too long. I, Patty!"
"Oh dear..." said Frank-N-Beans. "It appears my machine has eradicated a portion of her intellectual cerebrum!"
"SPEAK ENGLISH, PLEASE!" Exclaimed Bob.
"To put it bluntly...My...my machine made her stupid, Robert..." said Frank, rather ashamed.
"DANG IT, BEANS!!" Exclaimed Bob. "She was all awesome and smart, now she's--YEEH!!"
"Now now Robert..." said Frank. "It's what's on the inside that counts. What--she like your girlfriend or something?"
"No.." said Bob.
"GRILLFRAN?!!" Exclaimed Patty.
She embraced Bob.
"YYAAAAYYY!!! I haz me a Grillfran! Me will loves you and me will kiss yous and me--" Patty proceeded to
bang poor Bob by his tail on the floor. She tossed him into Frank's
machine.
"Holy moly!" Exclaimed Frank-N-Beans. "This thing is damn strong!!"
Frank started to write in a notepad. Patty approached Bob, who flinched and started to move away from him.
"G-get a-a-way from me you beast!!" Exclaimed Bob.
Patty gave a squeal of delight.
"I call you ScaredyKat!" Said Patty. She choked Bob and loudly gasped. "...If you ScaredyKat, then me Bride of ScaredyKat!"
"...how wonderful.." gagged Bob.
"Well, this was fun with you, "Patty"," said Frank, pulling the two away. "But I have stuff to do. So why don't you play with those cat toys over there or watch TV, and your groom'll be back in a jiff."
Patty watched as Bob left the room with Frank and E. Gore.
"Shoot." Patty kicked a cat toy. "How me get him to love me if me Bride of ScaredyKat? He said he my grillfriend..."
Unbeknownst to Patty, the TV remote was right behind her, and she sat on it.
--"Hello and welcome back to...TOUGH LOVE! I'm your host Steven Ward, and let's play cupid!--"
Patty's attention was averted by the TV in front of her. The humans
talking seemed to relate to how she felt about Bob.
~"...our first caller is a lovely lady from Duluth, Minnesota.."~
"I must continue to watch this", she thought.
Within her pea-sized mind, Patty had developed a theory: Bob would surely like her if she acted like a total babe like how the "Steven Ward human" gave advice to the women.
"That it!!" Patty punched a hole in the TV. She gazed at it, then ran to another television to watch this strange show.
--
Bob was outside the shelter, walking around and enjoying the day. But he couldn't help but think of that one girl he met--even though she was dead.
Bob took a cherry blossom from a nearby tree, and started to pluck the petals, much like every lovestruck human.
He sighed.
Suddenly, he felt something rustle.
A strange letter was at Bob's paws.
He picked it up.
Next, Bob grabbed a decorative rose and tied it to his bow tie, and finally he sprayed a tiny bit of a perfume bottle he'd found on the bathroom floor.
"...watch out, Fabio..."
Bob jumped through an open window and landed on the pavement. He quickly got up.
"There's a new Casanova..."
Bob happily strutted through the New Orleans streets, people occasionally stopped to pet him.
Eventually, Bob arrived at the location.
The restaurant in mind was very French in architecture--of course this is New Orleans, everything's gonna be French inspired--and soft music played from inside.
"Le Bayou Bijoux" the marquee read in bright pink cursive.
Bob walked around the restaurant where a bunch of cats and other animals were seated at crate "tables" and eating from the trash.
"What goes around comes around.." chuckled Bob. "Lose one dame, you get another!"
He looked around. Man, these female cats were incredibly sexy.
Suddenly, he stopped. Someone was calling "YOO-HOOO!!!"
Bob saw a rather lovely figure. He approached it.
"Ah, my little darling," said Bob. "Please pick up your face, that I might see the beauty before me..."
Bob's date obeyed, revealing that his date was not a hot girl, rather, Patty was right in front of Bob, wearing an outstretched red dress, and an enormous pink sun hat with a comical yellow daisy sticking out from it. She also wore horribly splattered makeup and had a stupid grin on her face.
"Hello, Bobbeh..." said Patty. She waved a floppy black human gloved paw.
Bob couldn't help but cringe at this.
PATTY, of all animals had decided to date him?! Sure, she was okay before--now that she'd been revived and re-created she was a total freak!
"So tell meez about youselves." Patty dragged Bob's seat closer.
"Uhh..." Bob froze.
"I start! I iz cat, I haz great big hair an crab legs, wha bout yuzz?!" As Patty continued to talk, Bob would occasionally back away. Patty, however, would only get closer.
Eventually Bob was so scared he screamed like a girl.
"STAY BACK!!" Exclaimed Bob. "DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT YOU'RE A MONSTER AND I DON'T WANT YOU AS MY GIRLFRIEND!!"
Patty didn't listen.
Bob emerged from her grasp and threw various things at her; a flower vase, a trash can lid, etc. Patty opened her mouth, and a long, slimy tongue shot out and wrapped around Bob, pulling him closer. Bob tossed a lighter at Patty (not intending to harm her), and instantly her body ignited. Patty looked quite horrendous as she walked through the alley.
"MMMMMNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGHHH..." growled Patty,!much like the human Frankenstein.
"FIRE B A A A A A D D D D!!!!!!!"
All the other cats ran away. Bob was pinned to the wall as Patty closed in on him. He braced for attack, when someone said,
"Patricia?"
Patty turned. So did Bob.
Frank N Beans was right in front of them, with a handsome, green-colored male cat. He had obviously been created, as indicated by the stitches and screws in his neck.
"This is Frank!!" Exclaimed Frank-N-Beans. "As you can tell, I named him after me--awesome, I know,
and I just made him. Now, uh, Frank here kinda likes your girl, Bob."
"Okay..." Bob moved back, allowing Patty to tackle him.
"Frank!" Exclaimed Patty. "You gone so long! Me was worried!"
Frank licked his index paw, and put out the fire on Patty's body. He then embraced her.
"Patty, my dear..." Sighed Frank. He
slowly dipped Patty. "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!"
The long-lost couple embraced.
Bob and Frank looked at each other.
"Well, I'm single again.." said Bob. "And we'll have to deal with this at the shelter..." he sighed.
"It just goes to show ya, Robert..." said Frank. "Love can't be born, it's created."
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