As I woke I felt strange, all of me was kind of light and flying, floating. I shook myself and tried to remember what had happened.
I was sitting in my chair at the Yard, my desk in front of me and I still had no clue what had happened. It all looked as normal as always but I was quite sure something was going on. I let the chair spin in circles and felt so much better than I have had for a long time. The nap I must have taken really did good.
The bullpen was empty and I was wondering where the others could be. I got up and decided to have a look around for them. I just got halfway to the elevators as its door opened and I saw Gibbs, McGee and Cait standing in it. They all wore black and looked like crap.
The black bags under their eyes kind of worried me.
"Hey guys, you look fresh from a funeral. What did I miss?" I tried to joke but none of them showed a reaction except for Cait. She greeted me with a short angry look just to let her eyes fall back to the carpet. Gibbs stared right into nothing and a wave of concern overcame me. Tim placed a hand on Gibbs' shoulder and he started to move in my direction.
"Hey boss, are you okay?" I asked but he still looked right through me. "Fuck, you scare the shit out of me. Did something happen? Did someone die?" I ruffled my hair in an attempt to calm me down. The faces and behaviour of them made me sick and I feared that something had happened to Abby or Ducky.
"For god's sake, tell-" I got roughly interrupted as Gibbs walked right through me. I looked down my body but there was nothing wrong with me. My suit was in place and I looked damn hot as always.
"What the hell!" I tried again to stop the others but each one of them just walked right through me. I screamed and shouted but got no reaction at all. They had sat down behind their desks, gazing at mine. I sat down as well, as my mind slowly came to the conclusion that I was the one dead. I fixed my eyes on Gibbs and an unknown sadness rose within me. I tried to talk to all of them again and again but with no result.
In retrospect I was way too calm as I realised for the first time that I was dead but that was the way it was.
It felt like ages until Morrow's voice crossed the gravely silence of the bullpen. "Gibbs, you and your team are on personal leave for at least another 3 days."
It seemed as if this put Gibbs' brain back into action. He got to his feet, pure anger on his face.
"No, Sir! We have to get the rest of the assholes!" He protested, not leaving any room to argue. Morrow watched him closely for a second then shook his head.
"Burley took this case. He got a brand new team. You are just too emotionally involved for this." I could see even in his eyes sadness and was surprised that my death had this huge impact on the whole Navy Yard.
"He was my-" Gibbs' voice broke and he started a new attempt to reply something. "He was my SIC. It's my case." I saw his knuckles turning white as he clenched his fists.
"Gibbs." Morrow was still calm and patient. "Listen. This is not your choice. It is an order. Anthony's funeral was just two hours ago. You and your team should grieve and rest, so you can return in a few days." And now Morrow didn't leave any space to argue.
To my suprise Gibbs sagged back into his chair and hid his face in his hands. I was shocked. This wasn't the Gibbs I knew, this was a poor excuse for him but nothing more.
"Go home. All of you!" Morrow insisted and like on autopilot all three got up and started to pack their things. I had never seen one of them act like this and to be honest Gibbs scared me the most. He was the strongest human being on earth. He never lost it, not like this. Tim was always kind of soft and weak but even he looked way better than my boss. So I decided to stick to Gibbs in an useless attempt to protect him.
He drove home not knowing that I was right by his side and he went straight into the basement not knowing that I was sitting in my usual place on the stairs. Helplessly I saw him smash several things on his wall and then break down in tears on the floor. I sat next to him but all attempts to soothe him and ease his sorrow just failed because of the simple fact that I couldn't touch him or anything else. As the time went on I understood some of the dimensions of my death. My life was over. All my dreams and wishes, all my goals and hopes were useless by now. It was over. All I could do was sit here and watch one of the most important people in my life break on the small detail that I was dead.
Gibbs grabbed a bottle from above his head and took a big gulp of his bourbon. I wished I could have some of it as well but my hand went right through it as I tried to take it. Fuck. As a ghost you can't even get drunk.
"Tony." Gibbs said low and I automatically answered with a 'yes boss.'
"I just hope you are safe now. I hope you are with your loved ones and... happy." I smiled slightly as I looked at him and thought 'yes I'm with my loved ones'. It was kind of strange but as long as I was with him I did not feel scared about my death. I had much more to do with worrying about him than thinking about me.
"I'm sorry Tony. I should have protected you. I should have protected all of you but I didn't. I wasn't able to." Gibbs drowned half of the bottle in one go and added "again."
I would have loved to tell him that it wasn't his fault, I would have loved to take the bottle down and tell him to just go on. That death wasn't that bad and that I would be fine. But all I could do was watch him getting completely sloshed.
"I miss you so bad." Gibbs bubbled and looked to the ceiling. "I should have told you." He started to cry again and I struggled against my upcoming emotions. I was sure somehow I knew he liked me but in everyday madness it always merged into the back of life. To hear it now, unleashed something deep inside me that I didn't know about. Something I couldn't grab nor place, something I just never allowed myself to feel while I was still alive.
To my dismay, Gibbs got up and staggered up the stairs. I was sure he would fall and join me any minute but with what seemed like practice he made it to the living room and let himself drop onto the couch. As his last action for the night, he turned on the tv and immediately fell into an uneasy sleep.
I watched him for several hours from the kitchen door. I just couldn't take my eyes off of him. I was worried and scared and confused and simply overstrained with all that had happened.
As the sun started to rise I decided to give me and my mind a break and watch the golden light fight the night. I went out into the backyard. Gibbs had just renewed his deck and pepped up the garden furniture. I breathed in deeply and closed my eyes for a second.
"Tony!" I jumped as a little girl not older than eight or nine suddenly squealed right in front of me.
"Ohh, god, missy! You nearly gave me a heart attack." I grabbed overly teatralic at my chest to hide my actual surprise.
"Stop trying to fool me, Tony! You are dead!" She giggled and smacked my arm. I looked at the spot where her hand had touched me and I noticed how I longed for any kind of contact.
"Are you dead, too?" I asked the little sweety, bewildered. My mind wasn't really able to process the whole death-thing. She also could have said I'm a Yankees fan.
"Jup." She smiled at me as she let her hand slide over the leaves of the bushes next to her and to my astonishment they moved. I felt sad for her, she was so young.
"So that's it? Just 'jup'?" I smiled back and couldn't do much more than to admire her acceptance of the situation. I had much more trouble.
"Jup. You know I'm dead for quite a while now. I got used to it." She picked one of the leaves from the bush and blew it away. It danced through the air and then slowly faded to the ground.
"What's your name?" I noticed I hadn't asked her in the beginning.
"Kelly." Her eyes held a mischievous twinkle as she started to dance on the porch. Her little white dress waved around her as she spun in circles. My heart skipped a beat as I noticed how beautiful she was and that I had missed any chances of having such a beautiful girl.
"I'm-" I halted. "Why did you know my name?" Kelly stopped to dance and scrutinised me for a long time. I was about to ask again as she smiled at me and vanished into nothingness.
I called her several times but she didn't come back so I decided to return inside.
Gibbs was where I had left him and I thanked god that he had at least turned on the tv before he got unconscious. I sat down on the end of the couch right next to his head and watched the programm. My thoughts drifted to all the things that had happened and on a sudden wave of anxiety I let my hand rest on his chest. My mind was still trying to analyse the point that I was not vanishing into his chest as Gibbs stirred in his sleep and cupped my hand with his. His touch sent energy right through my body and suddenly I was right in the middle of a battlefield. Gibbs was kneeling next to me and pulled me to the sandy ground.
"Do you want to die Corporal? Keep your head down!" He whispered in a harsh tone and I noticed that we were hiding behind a burned humvee. I wiped away the sweat from my forehead and briefly noticed the dry and hot air as I asked, "What the hell is that here?"
Gibbs turned his face towards me and looked shell shocked.
"Tony, what the hell are you doing here?" He let his sniper rifle sink to the ground.
"I don't know, boss." I shrugged my shoulders and smiled at him.
"This is desert storm." He said as if he didn't know what else to say. A grenade exploded nearby and Gibbs was in full soldier mode again.
"Okay keep your head down. I'll get us out of here." He had his rifle in aiming position and scanned the surroundings. "Listen, there should be a checkpoint about 10 miles ssw. We need to get there and everything will be fine."
I never had been to any kind of war zone except for the few times while at NCIS, so I was quite shocked as the war around us rose to new heights. Gibbs started to jump from shadow to shadow using every available shelter just by instinct. To see him in action strangely aroused me and I lost track of his movements as out of nowhere two shots echoed through the air.
The surroundings changed and I sagged to the concrete ground of the abundant factory site with two shots to my chest. Gibbs rushed to my side and cried "Not again!"
This was the first time I remembered the circumstances of my death. It was all the same as in reality but now I left my body and could see the whole scene from up above.
Gibbs with my body in his arms, Cait clinging to Tim's arm next to us and Stan right next to the suspect, securing him and I couldn't focus enough to see exactly but I could swear he was fumbling around with a phone. Probably calling help.
A white flash and I was back on Gibbs' couch. I saw him blinking and my hand had sunk into his chest again. So back to the old.
After getting up, Gibbs had vanished down into the basement and I tried to figure out what to do with my ghost life. I couldn't stay here forever but there was no other place to go. I would definitely not haunt my dad. I sat outside again to let the sun warm up my constantly cold limbs. My eyes wandered around the garden. Gibbs lived nicely here. I would have loved to cuddle into a blanket and read on the deck all day. The backyard had something cosy and protective I had never noticed before.
"Toooooony!" Kelly's voice pulled me out of my thoughts.
"Hey, sweety! Where have you gone?" I smiled at her.
"I was with mummy. I had to tell her that you are here. She will come soon but till then we can play!" It was a statement, no room for a 'no'.
"If you want to play with me, you first have to tell me why you know my name." I crossed my arms to underline my point.
"Fine. You have been here lots of times. Sometimes I come here to peek on you. I like you, you are funny." Kelly smiled at me and before I could ask further she pulled me out of the chair and onto the grass.
"Wait here." She ordered as she had pulled me behind the big elder bush in one corner of the garden. She vanished into it and soon enough a ball rolled out of it. Seconds later her head came into sight and she held an old skipping rope in hand.
"Where did you get this form?" I asked and wondered about the things in Gibbs' garden.
"This was my secret cave. I used to hide all my favorite things in there. But don't tell anyone. It's our secret." She looked at me as if she already regretted having told me.
"I promise I won't tell." I smiled at her reassuringly. She eyed me again and I got strangely reminded of Gibbs.
"Pinky swear?" She asked and held out her finger. I took it with joy. This little girl had already stolen my heart. "Pinky swear!" I answered and we shook our pinkies.
"So you lived here?" I wondered as Kelly went back to her toys.
"Mhhh. What do you think? First playing ball?" She returned casually, totally occupied with her decision. I concluded that her family must have lived here before Gibbs had bought the house. I wasn't in the mood to investigate further so I concentrated on the play time ahead. I told her that playing ball would be a good thing and soon enough we stood some meters apart, facing each other. She threw the ball but instead of landing in my hand, it went right through.
"Ohhh, Tony!" Kelly pouted and looked quite unhappy.
"Sorry, Kelly. This wasn't on purpose. I just can't grab things from…" I stopped and thought for the right word.
"Oh." Her face lightened and she looked at me knowingly. "You mean 'other-world' things. I couldn't do this in the beginning, either. But it is really simple. You just have to think about the item you want to touch or hold really hard."
I was irritated. I was sure I was thinking of playing ball, so it should have worked. Kelly held my gaze and waited for me to try it again. Her demanding eyes made goosebumps appear on my skin. She looked so familiar that I was totally confused.
"C'mon Tony. Try it again!" She commanded and I got into action. The red ball was lying in the grass right in front of me. I kneeled down and tried to take it but my hand went right through it, again and again.
"Just think 'ball, ball, ball'" The impaitions in her voice made me smile and I did as I was ordered. Ball. Ball. Ball. Suddenly I felt a round thing in my hand and Kelly squealed in delight.
"You see. You adults always think too much. So many different things in your heads. That's why you need to practise so much." She had her hands on her hips and shook her head. I couldn't help but smile about her attitude. She was right. I had gotten used to following at least three different trains of thoughts at the same time. Mostly I wasn't even aware how fast I switched between them.
We tossed the ball for a time and I felt a tension slip I didn't even notice I had. The sun up above us and Kelly's beautiful laugh let me forget that I was dead and kind of homeless. I felt good and could have spent the rest of my death like this.
"Kelly!" A voice echoed through the garden but I was quite sure it wasn't audible in the 'other world' as Kelly had called it. I let the ball drop again and automatically turned my head to see where it had come from.
"Ops. That's my mum. I was just allowed to let you know she would come and then I should have come right back." She looked more than guilty and vanished into nothing, a 'bye' echoed through the air. I was standing in the back of Gibbs' garden and felt a loneliness I never experienced before. Slowly I walked back to the deck and let myself drop into the chair. Sadness conquered my mind and I felt hopeless. I couldn't go on like this. I couldn't stay here at someone's home and be kind of an unknown and unwanted guest.
"Sorry for my daughter. Sometimes she can be a pain in the ass. As stubborn as her father." A redheaded woman in her thirties sat right next to me in the other chair. I jumped as I heard her and my mind focused back to present. "Sorry I didn't want to scare you, Tony."
"It's okay." I gazed at her and her beauty made my trademark smile appear. "So, Kelly is your daughter?"
"Yes. She isn't allowed to be here but fortunately she sometimes disobeys otherwise we hadn't found you. My name is Shannon." The woman held out her hand. She sure looked like a woman who knew what she wanted and how to get it. I slowly tried to take her hand and was happy that I didn't go through.
"Nice to meet you, Shannon. I'm-" And again I halted. "Can you tell me why everyone in this world seems to know my name?" I looked at her with a scrutinizing gaze.
To my surprise she started to laugh. It was wholeheartedly and absolutely beautiful.
"No, Tony. Not everyone, just us." She still smiled as she answered. I looked at her, my confusion plain written on my face.
"You must know even though Kelly isn't allowed to be here, she comes often. We know all of you. Cait, Tim, Abby, Ducky. The whole team and every other coming to see Leroy." Her gaze went soft and I was wondering if my earlier conclusion about Kelly was really right.
"Did you know Gibbs before?" I asked.
Shannon smiled sadly at me. "Yes."
I raised my eyebrows but she didn't go on. I felt like it would be better to stop asking even though curiosity was killing me.
"Okay. So I'm dead now, right? Am I doomed to haunt Gibbs forever or…?" I stopped not knowing what to say or wish for.
"That's a bit difficult." She smiled apologizingly at me and I felt warmth spreading through my veins. "Normally you would come to the city but in your case something went wrong. Something is holding you here."
"The city?" I was irritated but as Shannon let her hand rest on mine a pleasant feeling erased all my nasty emotions and let me be satisfied and happy.
"On earth they call it heaven, nirvana, walhalla, eternity. We just call it the city. Normally you get picked up at the airport by your loved ones but your case is different." She paused and I was sure there was no one to pick me up so I wasn't allowed to enter the city.
"No need to say." I returned and got to my feet. "If no one comes and picks you up, you have to stay between the worlds, right. It's okay. I will manage it here anyway." I was determined to stay strong but the fact that I was now pacing up and down the deck betrayed me.
"Calm down, Tony. That's not right. First of all, even if there is no one to fetch you, everyone is welcome. Someone else would fetch you and be your new friend. No one is alone in the city. Second, there are enough people who love you and have been waiting for you. But you didn't come. We were all looking for you but you just didn't take the plane." She looked at me and I started to cry. I felt the pressure inside me rise and just couldn't hold it back. I went to my knees and sobbed like a little child. Shannon kneeled beside me and rubbed my back, whispering all kind of soothing words.
"I know, Tony, it's hard. It is all too much but for some reason you are here so let's find out why." She pulled me up and positioned me back in my chair. My mind was spinning and I felt scared. "Listen, first of all we need to find out why you are dead."
"Because a dirtbag shot me." I said bewildered. "I don't understand the whole situation. Why am I here? Why is a foreigner here and not someone I know? Don't get this wrong but… Why the hell is this all happening?" I was in the middle of the mental breakdown I had expected way earlier.
"All good questions but I can't even answer one of them. All I know is that your flight wasn't scheduled for long years and all of the sudden you were announced. Something in the other world went wrong and you have to fix it, Tony."
My mind melted into a big puddle of blur, my emotions washed over me like a tsunami and I felt the ground underneath me vanish. A loud scream reached my ears as all went black.
It was my own voice.