Chapter 16: Catching The Butterfly

After christmas, it was back to the normal routine.

We had the clear-up, the ritual boxing of old toys and nick-knacks to donate on Boxing Day, and then I was back at the bar with Cora and Rose and Dad. In just a few weeks, Rose was leaving us to work at the garage with Edward and although I was happy for her, I was also bummed that she wouldn't be around as much. We'd worked at the bar together since I was sixteen and it wouldn't be the same without her.

So we made the most of her time there, hanging out on the breaks we had that overlapped, taking long walks down the high-street to the bakery, the book store, the ice-cream parlour. She introduced me to banana split sundae's and I shared cheesy straws with her and she'd asked when I'd found them. Just decided to try them one time… with Alice, yeah Alice.

It was nice, but also kind of bittersweet.

"You've still got Vickie," She said one day, nudging my shoulder with a small, sad smile on her lips.

"I know, but it won't be the same without you."

I waited for her to roll her eyes at my theatrics, but she hugged me instead and kissed my temples and squeezed me tighter.

She mussed my hair up as she pulled back, "I'll still be around, kiddo."

"I know."

"And maybe I can come here on my breaks," She said, but I knew that wouldn't happen and I think she sensed that, too, "and you can always come down to the garage on your breaks whenever you feel like."

I hoped she'd say that.


New Years Eve rolled around in what seemed like the blink of an eye.

Like ever year, we opted to go to the towns annual display. A carnival came into town religiously every year with rides that made you sick and dizzy and loopy—The Waltz's, a Ferris Wheel, a rickety little roller-coaster. When I was younger Rose once told me that somebody slipped right out of the harness and died and I could totally believe it, but it wasn't true of course, otherwise it wouldn't be back every year. There were basketball hoop, ring toss and hook-the-duck stalls, candy-cone stores on wheels and little burger shacks with the greasiest burgers known to man, but with firework displays that didn't disappoint.

Alice and Leah came with their families, too, and about every other person I went to school with, but our families sort of converged on these occasions.

Our parents, along with Aunt Angie and Uncle Phil, Edward and Vickie, all sat together on a load of grass-strewn picnic blankets arranged on the floor with Shandy's and sparklers for the kids. Leah even brought her dog who we fawned over for a bit. Her older brother was going to walk him home before the fireworks started with his girl, which I thought was pretty pointless, but they were new and giving each other lovey-dovey eyes and I could imagine why they'd want to be alone together when it struck midnight. Leah didn't live too far anyway, so they'd probably see the fireworks from home… and probably the other kind, too. Eww.

Rose and Emmett were spending this year with his parents, which sucked but they'd spent every other year with us and Emmett had finally put his foot down, which I could not imagine with Rose but she agreed so it couldn't have been too bad. They'd spent Christmas with us anyway, so it was only fair, which is what she'd told Mom last night on the phone.

Mom wasn't happy, but she got it. That didn't stop her from moping about all day long with 'my baby's are all growing up' and 'they don't need their momma no more' and holding Maggie extra close, which was silly 'cause we did need her… to cook for us and clean and love us… tuck us in at night. The kids, but sometimes me, too.

Riley had already messaged me, wishing me a happy new year. He'd said he wanted to do it earlier just in case we couldn't get reception at twelve, which was understandable, but also kind of disappointing. He should've been with me, like every other year. It was strange.

I thought about leaving him, how this would be a constant thing, but quickly pushed the thought away. I didn't want or need to think about that right now.

I had Edward here, in front of me, for the first time since Christmas.

At first.

Those words, those two little words with potentially resounding implications, those words constantly flitted through my head, making me dizzy and giddy and sick all at the same time. I wanted him. Did he want me? What if he meant something else? Could I really do this to our families? Vickie? What would happen if I did?

But I pushed those thoughts aside for now, too. I needed to speak to him, one-on-one. I needed answers.

I got them awhile later —or they were alluded to at least— whilst queuing for candy-floss. We were the designated buyers it seemed. Well, I had been. He'd just tagged along.

"Need a hand?"

I couldn't look at him as he'd unfurled his long legs from the floor, Vickie looking up at him with this big grin and him… looking at me, to see if I was alright with that I guess. I'd nodded like a dummy and he'd smiled and then he caught up with me a few beats ahead and looked down at me, but I'd looked away. Well, I'd wanted answers, all that one-on-one bullcrap and here he was, but I wasn't sure I could do it now.

It was awkward at first, for me at least, the silence stretching before us as we waited in the long line. I shifted my weight from foot to foot and crossed and uncrossed my arms, my eyes darting to him, away again. He seemed to be doing the same thing, the stance I mean, except his eyes stayed just on me, a small smile tugging at his lips as he watched. Watched me. It was one of those one-sided ones boys got, that smile, but his was the only one that made my stomach twist and turn, my insides turned to mush.

"So, where's your boyfriend?" He said, still staring at me with that smirk. Goading me I knew, but I fell like I always did.

"Riley?" I asked stupidly because who else would he be talking about? "He's, uh, at home I think?"

He made this sound, like a laugh, but spiteful, "You don't know?"

I shrugged.

He snorted, rocking on his heels, hands stuffed in his pockets, looking up at me from under those lashes, those eyebrows… those, those…

"What?"

"Who doesn't spend New Years Eve with their girlfriend?"

I shrugged again, "Riley, I guess. He's spending it with his family."

He hummed, all smug and smarmy and pretentious and then, "How old is he again?"

And there was that smile again, the one that made me want to punch but mainly kiss him.

"Same age as me," I deadpanned, staring at him a little, willing him to quit it. He wasn't exactly making me feel better about the situation. But he knew that. "Why?"

His head cocked to the side as he stared at me, his shuffling halted. He leaned in a little closer, "Who's gonna be kissing you at midnight now, girl?"

My shoulders tensed as his breath washed over me, minty and fresh, that piercing dancing in his eyebrow, "I—"

I wasn't even sure what I was about to say.

He hummed and retracted, laughing like he was joking, but this wasn't a joke, to me at least. I was speechless and dizzy and so, so confused.

He took a step forward as the queue shortened, but it took a second for my brain to catch up with my body. I was still in a daze when I took a slow step forward, staring at the back of the woman in front of me.

"I don't like him."

He was squinting at the sign displaying prices, what was on offer. Like he hadn't spoken a word. He started patting his pockets, looking for his smokes or his wallet probably.

I turned my head slowly towards him, blinking in my stupor, "I'm sorry?"

'Cause I wasn't sure I'd heard him properly.

But I had. Loud and clear.

He didn't reiterate himself, "I don't know what it is. I just don't trust him."

"You don't know him."

He snorted, "Don't have to. It's just his type—" He stopped abruptly, side-eyeing me, "But I shouldn't be saying this stuff to you, should I?"

"Would it stop you even if you should?" I wouldn't look at him, but I could feel his eyes on me.

He laughed and it was the one I liked this time, real, "True."

And I looked at him now, saw that smile, the full one, and I smiled right back. I pretty much couldn't help it.

He was staring, at my face, but not my eyes, maybe my lips… or maybe it was my chin, I couldn't be sure and then, "You're too good for him."

I blinked and stared right back, but he didn't blink. The truth was written all over his face, the sincerity.

"I don't—"

"Scratch that," He said, cutting me off. My lips mashed together and his words mashed my heart right up. "You're too good for anyone."

His eyes flitted between mine, full of truth and a need and a sadness, heavy and hard and sad, sad, sad.

I opened my mouth to speak and clamped it right back up, not knowing how to respond, a fish out of water, a head full of bubbles. Or milkshakes and boys. Boy.

"Can I take your order, please?" The girl at the concession stand interrupted and it cleared, my head that is. Some, but not at all really.

We got six sticks of candy-floss, one each for the twins, Vickie, Alice and Leah. I was sharing with Maggie because it was too much sugar for her and I didn't feel like it anymore. I was already jittery with nerves. A sugar-rush wasn't needed when I had a rush from Edward's proximity.

We collected them, handing over the cash, and headed back over to the group, opting for a slow stroll.

I pinched a piece of the pink fluff off, tilting my chin up to dangle it into my mouth.

Edward laughed and I jerked my head to him, feeling the sugar dissolve on my lips. I licked it off, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand afterwards, "What?"

"You," He chuckled, gesturing to my face. I wiped it again. He rolled his eyes, "Such a sweet tooth with your milkshakes and your candy-floss."

And he wasn't staring at my eyes again.

I rolled my eyes, plucking another piece off, "And who gets me these milkshakes?" I popped it in my mouth, "And candy-floss it seems now, too."

He chuckled as I spoke with a mouth full of candy and a heart full of him, "Beats me."

"Do you regret it?"

"Regret what?"

I swallowed, speaking clear now, "Taking me for milkshakes and things."

He side-eyed me, brows furrowed, "Why would I regret that?"

I shrugged, taking a moment to consider my words before I spoke again, "You don't take Rose for them. Or Emily or Jake or Maggie. Why me?"

"Maggie's a bit of a handful. In fact, all of the above are," He joked. I blinked, waiting on a legitimate answer, not more evasions and twisting of words and more evasions. His lips formed a little pout as he exhaled, the resignation settling in. I could see it, "I don't know, Bella. I just do."

"There must be a reason."

"Bella."

"What?"

"I like you."

"You like me?"

His words kickstarted those little butterflies in my stomach, somersaults and sadness.

"Yeah, we get on, don't we?"

I nodded stupidly. He made me stupid.

I shook my head, trying to ward off the funk he put me in.

"But you get on with Rose," I pointed out.

He shook his head, "It's different with us."

"Different how?"

He stilled and it took a few more steps for my feet to catch up with my brain, which was with Edward. Always was. I stopped, I spun, he rounded on me and I shouldn't have brought it up. I should've let it go, gone with the flow, even flow, but I couldn't help myself.

"Why are you asking me this stuff? What's going on?"

A few kids ran past us, shrieking and laughing, and I allowed myself to observe them, biding time to put my thoughts in order. My eyes flitted to his face, so serious and about the handsomest I'd ever seen even so, and back to those kids. I wanted to be young again, back before all this turmoil and heartache, back to the slow-pining and the harmless crushing, not this all-consuming feeling I got whenever he was near… even when he wasn't. I looked at him again, sighing, "You said I reminded you of someone. Who was it?"

"Lets not do this here," He said, looking around us. There was nobody within hearing distance, but I got it. Small town, ears everywhere, the guy in that baseball cap? Could be Riley for all I knew.

"Where then? When?"

"Later," He said, eyes flitting over my face, looking for reassurance, sussing me out. I nodded, turning to walk back to our family.

We got caught in a throng of people and then my hand was in Edward's. He just reached on back, not looking, his hand searching mine out. He didn't seem to react to the contact, but my palms felt sweaty and my heart was doing the jitter and I thought I was going to vomit, but in a good way. Is there a good way to vomit?

He had that same smirk on his face like he knew. Did he? I hoped not. But I also hoped for the opposite, too, 'cause at least then it would be out there.

We handed out the sweet confectionary when we finally made it back to the group and I perched Maggie on my lap, letting her rip strands off and watching as she smushed them into her mouth. The candy-floss turned dark pink in places after a while, wet with her drool, and I handed the whole thing to her, suddenly finding it unappealing.

Alice shared a little of hers with me and I pinched small pieces off, rolling them up before popping them into my mouth. My stomach was still in bits, thinking about Edward. I tried not to look at him, but when I did, I found he was looking at me, too.


We sat around for a few hours, lounging and chatting and eating the over-priced food from various stalls. Sugary donuts, hot chocolates with squirty cream and sprinkles and the cheesiest cheeseburgers, but I gave Leah my onions and she gave me her pickles.

The girls and I rid the Ferris Wheel twice and Alice covered her eyes the entire way round and squealed like a pig. Leah jibed her but I held her hand, steady and sure until she could look and then she rested her head on my shoulder and that's when we stayed on for a second round.

Maggie had fallen asleep by the time we got back and I wondered how she could sleep through the noise and I missed that as a kid; falling asleep anywhere and waking up cosy and warm in your bed or maybe when your dad carried you up the stairs and you pretended to be asleep.

Emily has a pack of glow-in-the-dark snappy bracelets and she said I could have the blue one because it was my favourite colour. She popped it for me, cracking the bracelet until it glowed a lilac-blue and fastened it around my wrist. She bumped it with the orange one she had secured around her little wrist, the one that still looked boney and pale from the break and the cast last summer, and smiled her toothy smile. She gave Alice and Leah pink and green ones and they swapped with each other and even Jake had a yellow one around his wrist, and Vickie the same. Edward had the other blue one in the pack and it felt like we were tethered in some way, silly as it sounded.

"Five minutes to go!" Vickie called and I looked over quickly. She had her hand on Edward's lap. I sucked the sugar-dust off my pinkie, dipping it back in the empty donut bag for more. I looked up at him and he was looking back and I knew I'd been caught. I dunked my finger again, swirling around for the dregs of powdery goodness and turned to Alice.

She was shit-talking and being goofy and telling us the plans that she had for the year with us. She wanted to go the beach more, when the weather brightened, she wanted to dye her hair, maybe purple or pink or blue, she couldn't decide, and get a tattoo with us, which was never going to happen.

"You can draw one on us, B," She said, nudging me as she slurped her spiked 7up.

"That's not a tattoo," I said, laughing.

She shrugged, "It's the closest we'll get at seventeen. Oh my God, we'll be eighteen this year!"

I don't know why I looked at Edward when she said that, but I did.

He was laughing at something Uncle Phil was saying. Vickie's hand was still on his thigh.

Emily had her head on Mom's shoulder, rubbing her eyes and yawning a little and Maggie was still sound asleep. We woke her up gently, Dad lifting her up so we could all stand around, watching them set up for the fireworks a little ways away from us.

We huddled together to conserve warmth, speaking excitedly to one another and watching with rapture as they announced over the outdoor speakers that the countdown would begin in thirty-seconds. I smushed Emily's hair up, wrapping one around her shoulders from behind whilst Alice clung onto my free hand, our fingers intertwined. Her fingers were warm in mine, but I could see her breath flowing in little foggy puffs as she laughed and squealed and smiled.

"Ten… Nine… Eight…"

I caught Mom's eye, giving her a wide smile as we counted down, our voices lost in the crowd, but I could hear his deep voice over everyone else's regardless.

"Seven… Six… Five…"

Jake ran over to Emily, throwing his arm over her shoulder.

Alice squeezed my hand and my eyes drew to Edward. He was standing on my other side, one arm draped over Vickie's shoulders, the other a phantom's brush against my arm.

"Three…"

His pinky brushed along the outer-edge of my hand, sending a flurry of goosebumps along my arms and chest, more than the cold ever had, could.

"Two…"

It stayed there for a second, not caressing or moving at all, just resting, but I felt dizzy and high from the contact. Did he even know he was doing it?

"One…"

He curled his pinky around mine, holding tight and steady, completely deliberate. There was no denying it.

I wondered if it was still sticky from the sugar.

The sky erupted into a cacophony of colour and sound then, bright bursts of light and loud rumbles and pops. Emily was wide-awake now, eyes alight with wonder, a kaleidoscope of colour reflecting in her pupils.

A squeeze, of my pinkie, of my chest, and Edwards hold broke away and I didn't look, couldn't, as Vickie turned to kiss him. I felt it though, all over, all through me. Pins and needles. But he broke away quickly, pecking her once, on the nose but that didn't matter. It was already done.

I turned away, fighting back the bite of tears and blanched when I saw Mom and Dad sharing a small peck, Maggie between them. Mom caught me staring and smiled impishly, her cheeks pink, whether from the cold or embarrassment at being caught I didn't know. I thought of the ring on her finger at Christmas and smiled reassuringly, trying to fight back the bile rising up my throat at what I'd just witnessed on my other side, but I was happy for her, for them, truly.

Although they hadn't been together in so long and it felt a little strange, a little foreign, I was glad they were finally working things out.

Turning to watch the display again, I tried to rejoin the cheers and shouts and laughter, but I couldn't do it. The dejection and misplaced sadness that flooded me before was now replaced with abhorrence, with anger. The subtle brush of his fingers, the intertwining of our pinkies… What was all that about? Was he messing with me? Or would he have done the same if Rose was standing here… or Jasper?

I shivered. No, no. Just me. I knew it.

I continued watching the display, overthinking and not really paying attention, just a blur of pretty pinks and golden yellows and neon green, blues and deep purples and burning orange across the sky, and more of that green painted behind my eyelids, too.

I flinched when Alice drew me into a hug, squeezing me and peppering me in kisses. Jasper was on her other side, one arm wrapped around her waist still. I hadn't even realised he was there, but sure enough his family were standing just behind us.

They waved at me when I caught their eye and I returned the gesture. Jasper pulled me in for a hug of his own when Alice finally released me and then Leah took his place. I went through the motions, allowing everybody to pull me in quickly, bellowing a 'happy new year!' into each others ears over the explosion of fireworks and the raucous hustle and bustle of people around us.

And then I was tapped on the shoulder. Vickie squealed and pulled me in, rocking us to and fro and telling me how much she loved me. I let her, burrowing my chin into her shoulder, watching Edward on the other side. He watched me right back, eyes intense and hair wild.

"Happy New Year," He mouthed, but I closed my eyes, letting Vickie talk for a moment longer into my ear before pulling away.

He wasn't going to stand for that, but I never thought he would.

His fingers curled around my arm, over the red pea-coat I had on, tugging me back, tugging me in. His arms around me were civil from an outside point-of-view; cursory, polite, almost awkward, but his words were anything but.

"Wait up for me." Curt and low, making me shiver.

He drew back, smiling like things were normal, like it was a conventional, familial exchange. Like he hadn't just asked me to go behind my cousins back.


It happened like this.

The New Year's firework display ended but we stayed, chatting some more, wishing every neighbour and their cat a happy new year and lighting up some sparklers. I wrote my name in the air, punctuating it with a heart at the end, feeling Edward watching me, seeing him through the little sparks, looking away again. I taught Maggie how to do it, after showing her it wasn't scary and she wouldn't get burnt. She was wary at first, reluctant to even touch the tip of the stick, but soon she was drawing shapes and waving it about like she'd been fearless all along.

We packed up our things, taking longer than necessary to say our goodbyes, but Maggie was sleeping soundly and Emily was whining that she was tired, so we got ready to leave eventually.

I was antsy, chewing nervously on my nails as everybody said their goodbyes. I didn't know what time Edward would be coming by, if he was even going to stick to his word, but I was anxious to get home, to be ready for him, prepared. Like that was even possible. Another part of me wanted to ignore everything, go home, call Riley, be a good girlfriend, a good daughter, a good little student, but I knew that I couldn't do that either. He called, I went. That's how it was and exactly how it shouldn't be.

Well, I never got the chance to decide anyway.

We were walking to the car when Alice and Leah saddled up on either side of me, linking their arms through mine like that daisy-chain.

"What are you—?"

They swooped me around, spinning me in the opposite direction, back to Jasper and now Paul, too, who were waiting a little ways away. Jasper did a little wave and Paul smushed a cigarette under his boot, and lifted his chin at me in that ostentatious way that boys did to greet one another.

"We're stealing Bella, Mrs S!" Alice called back to my mom.

"Not too late, Bella," was her reply. So it looked like I was going off with the girls then.

"What are we doing?"

Alice tutted, "What we do every year, B."

I gave her the eye.

"Well, okay, maybe not every year, but—"

"We're getting drunk!" Leah whooped, pinching my arm.

I rubbed the spot, frowning.

"Why?" She jibed, "you got other plans?"

Wait up for me.

"No," I scoffed, like I didn't.

She hummed and pulled a bottle from her pocket, brandishing it at me. She plucked the lid off and held it to my nose. The smell burnt my nostrils.

"Drink."

I took a few gulps, knowing they'd moan if I took just the one and maybe 'cause it would help me stop thinking. The burning sensation spread down my throat and in my chest, warming me right up.

I coughed and pulled a face, handing if back off to one of them. The tears blurring my eyes made it hard to see who.

I was always making the wrong decisions. Or maybe this was the right one.

"There's a party at Felix's," Leah said.

"And we're going," Alice trilled along.

Or maybe they were being made for me. Right or wrong. Maybe a little of both.


"No, you're supposed to unplug the carb and carry on inhaling!" Brady was saying to Kate.

She shrugged and got that dozy look on her face, but I thought she was faking so she probably was.

"Give it here," He said, taking the small bong from her. It was black with little blue dots on it. She crossed her legs criss-cross applesauce and huffed, "Watch me."

So she watched, attentive the way she was at practice, like it was just another thing she had to master. I rolled my eyes and looked at Alice who was crossed-eyed and leaning against Leah. We were in a circle of sorts, higher than high and talking about nothing and everything.

"Bella, your turn."

And so we passed it around for a while. Kate sucked too hard on her… whatever try she was on, and choked and batted her chest and we were all laughing, giddy-high and half-moon eyed, tipsy-happy and starved for rebellion. And Cheetos.

So Irina and I went to find some. I was scouring cupboards, but she opened just one and reached up on her tippy-toes to pull the corner of the packet down, "Found them."

I slowly shut the cupboard with the broken door I'd been looking in, looking at her. She noticed and she smiled, all demur now and hiding something that was bigger than a Cheetos stash in Felix's house, "Pot luck."

And then we laughed because of the pun and she popped the bag and we took a handful each before returning to the others.

My fingers were orange and I was staring at those, like carrots and I told Alice and we were both laughing at them and wiggling them about in each others faces until Alice licked some of mine and then I was cringing away and laughing at her silly-stupid antics.

"We should go McDonald's and get a bag of carrot-sticks," Alice said, her head on my shoulder. She was still looking at her crumby, orange fingers.

And I was laughing again, "If we're going McDonald's, I'm so not going for carrot-sticks."

Irina was next to me now, but she was talking to Kate across the circle. Felix was with an older guy in the corner, a solo cup in hand, but she was looking at him. I could see, her eyes flickering from Kate to him, trying to stop. I knew that, I lived it.

"Well, what then?" Alice said, distracting me, or un-distracting me.

I thought about it for a moment, saying the first thing that popped into my head, "Milkshakes."

Alice rolled her eyes and started gnawing on her fingers.

"Milkshake girl," She said.

"What?"

"I said, let's go get you a milkshake, girl."

God.


Felix's backyard was plain. There were no plants of any sort, just a patchy expanse of grass with cracks in the dirt and an unpainted fence lining it. One of the back panels had fallen down, leading onto an overgrown field that I knew led to the tracks. When we were little, Alice and I used to ride our bikes down the dirt path just alongside it and race the trains coming in. But one time we went too fast and Alice lost control of the handlebars and pitched forward over them and broke her collarbone, so we never done it again after that.

The house was booming behind me, literally shaking the chipping wood of the slats I sat on, and that's exactly why I'd come out here. But also because I could see right over next door to Edward's place. I wondered if Vickie was there, if they were tucked up in bed together after the display. All the lights were off.

I wondered why he'd been helping us with our backyard when his looked like that.

I swirled around the drink Alice had poured me and drank the last little bit quickly. It was fruity and made my eyes all funny and then I set it down beside me and pressed my knees together. It was cold, but not so cold that I was ready to go back inside to the music and the people and the pretending to having fun. Because I wasn't. I wanted to go home, but Paul was our ride and he was with Leah and Jasper and Alice probably and they were having fun and it was barely two. I was the party-pooper, tonight at least and that house next door was goading me so maybe going back inside was the best idea, but I didn't want to.

We didn't go to McDonald's. We didn't get carrot-sticks or milkshakes, we got high and drunk. We spoke nonsense and ignored phone calls, from parents, from boyfriends, from cousins boyfriends. We ignored it all, everything outside that hazy little house and its music and its occupants and its seedy smell. Until I couldn't no more, until the haze wore off and the high faded away and left behind this pit in my stomach and the need for solitude.

But even then, no. There was that house, looming and leering and dark and inviting, but no, no. I looked away.

I could see a hare just munching on something by the fallen fence and I watched it, setting the cup down beside me. It looked, but it didn't run like I thought it would. I smiled, a little one, lazy and sad, and edged closer and when its little ears went up and it stood taller, I stopped and plopped down onto the ground. It had been raining yesterday, so the ground was damp but not mushy. It was too dry out here for that. There were little crystals on the tips of the grass blades and in the cracks in the dirt.

"Hey buddy," I called to it and he looked and ate, those whiskers twitching and I smiled and laughed and imagined he was really listening.

'You lost little fella?' and a sigh and 'Me, too.' He was a good listener.

And that had me giggling until I fell backwards and was looking at the stars. Fireworks were still going off, sporadic and spaced between, but still, somewhere. I wondered where and who and if their life was as messy as mine, but I doubted it.

"I don't know what I'm doing," I said to the sky and the stars and the bunny.

And then were was a face blocking my view, standing over me, grinning and it was him. Edward.

"That makes two of us, Wonderland."

And just like that my heart stopped and I was warm all over, my stomach tongue-tied knots, too tight, the wrong woven into the right. I sat up, the hare darted away and Edward moved closer, hands in his pockets, smile on his face, but it was guilty and unsure.

"What are you doing out here, Milkshake Girl?"

"Don't call me that," I said, scooting backwards, away, down the rabbit hole.

He stopped, frowned, took another step closer, "Don't be like that."

He was reaching out, to me, but I was retracting.

At first.

"Don't tell me what to do," I said, standing now, legs jittery. I wanted to cry, to run, to him. I didn't know.

"What happened?" He said, coming closer still. He wasn't angry or sad or anything like that, just hurt and confused. Well, that made two of us.

"You," I said, all shivery, but I was running hot, blood pounding hard. My voice shook and I held steady, stopped, to make the lump in my throat pass.

But that was a mistake because he was there then, pushing my hair over my shoulder, hands a whisper on the side of my throat.

"I'm sorry."

"We don't say that," I said small, pushing him away.

He stopped, arms limp at his sides. He swallowed, "I don't want to hurt you."

"Well, don't."

"I'm trying."

"Not hard enough."

"I don't know how not to."

I snorted and he frowned, but he didn't move away. I didn't want him to, but I should've.

"I called you."

"I know."

My phone had been ringing all night. Right up until I switched it off.

"You didn't answer."

"I know."

He stared at me some, long and hard, lips set and then he sighed, stepping back.

"I shouldn't have come."

"Why did you?" My voice was accusatory.

His eyes flashed to mine, "I saw you from my window. You were on your own. How we left things earlier…"

I snorted again, "How you left things."

He ignored me, "I didn't mean… that."

I opened my mouth, smacked it shut again, blinked at him, "Right."

There was no reason for me to be mad. Or maybe it was that I shouldn't have a reason. But I did and I couldn't shake it. He had every right to kiss his girlfriend, to kiss my cousin, without it affecting me. But it did, affect me. He'd held my pinky. He couldn't do that, he couldn't… but he did and… I did.

"Don't be like that," He said again.

"There's no other way to be," I said, "Is there?"

He shook his head, but I wasn't sure he was answering me.

"It's just a phase."

"It's— What?" I said. I don't know why I looked at the moon. I shook my head, "Why'd you do it?"

He took a deep breath, let the air roll out between his lips, "You were… that sugar… I just— Shit, I don't know. I wasn't thinking."

There was a clatter behind me, a chorus of cheers. We both turned to look. Leah was in the kitchen, a bunch of other people, but I saw her and that meant she could see me if she looked.

"Walk with me?" Edward said. I turned to him, deliberated for a split second, knowing I'd agree anyway.

I nodded, followed him over the fallen fence onto the wild expanse of field. He walked ahead, hands in his pockets, head down. He had no jacket on, he must've been cold, but he didn't shiver, didn't react at all, just walked, the crunch of dry grass underfoot permeating the air.

We walked awhile, further into that nothingness, until the house was a pinprick in the distance. There was a willow tree to our left, a little tyre swinging from a rope tied about one of its arms, and he was headed for it. Alice and I used to play off its branches as kids and then when the tyre swing miraculously showed up we'd played off that too, leaving our bikes strewn against its trunk. We were allowed, but only because our parents thought we were going to the park further up. Never here; the back of the houses, the tracks. That was a big no-no, but that only made us want to go more and so we did, until Alice broke that collarbone. We'd told everyone she fell off the swing, the one at the park. We hadn't been back here since.

He sat at the base of that tree, a place Alice and I had sat a million times before, our bikes had rested, sharing food. Mom would always pack me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and Alice used to take three Twinkie's and a juice-box. I'd give her half my sandwich, she'd give me a Twinkie and break one in half and then we'd share the juice-box, too, sweaty and red from our racing.

I didn't sit now, I stood away, by the overhang, letting the funny leaves brush my shoulders. The tyre was swinging in circles beside me, rustling the little fuzzy leaves. I pulled a vine off, plucking the leaves off one-by-one and letting them drop to the ground. Edward watched for a while and then he sat forward, sighing.

"I shouldn't have done that earlier."

I stopped plucking, looked up at him. He was looking right on back.

I didn't know if he meant kissing her or touching me like that, my pinkie. I still felt it.

"No," I said stoically, looking away.

"She just… I didn't know what else to do."

"Hmm."

"She's my girlfriend."

And there it was. The real reason. He knew.

I tugged another vine from the branch with a little more force than necessary. The branches overhead shook and wobbled, leaves rained down on my hair. I didn't care. I didn't care.

He sighed and cursed, standing, "Don't shut me out, Isabella. Please, I'm sorry."

"We don't say that," I repeated, staring at the leaves crumbled in my hands.

"Shit, Bella, please," He said, coming closer. I turned away, walking, letting them vines rain over me, tug me back, to him.

"What?"

He grabbed my hip, my arm, or maybe that was the vines, but then my hand was in his and it was all him. I turned my head over my shoulder, looking down. He was looking at it too, our hands, together like that.

And maybe this had been the way all along. Maybe he needed to push me over the edge, so that I could drag him over with me.

"I've—" He swallowed, staring at them, our hands, and then at me, "I've wanted to touch you for so long."

I swallowed and I'd been waiting for this, dreaming, but it was here and I wasn't ready and I thought of that display, the firework one and the one between Vickie and him.

"You have a shitty way of showing it," I said, pulling back, moving forward. My hand was tingling, limp at my side. I didn't know what to do with it now. I didn't know what I was doing.

He cursed behind me, pushing branches out the way to follow my trail.

"I can't. You know I can't. Shit," He said, probably getting caught in the vines but I didn't turn to look.

"You didn't have trouble earlier."

"I— I shouldn't have fucking done that. I'm sorry."

"There you go again with your sorries," I spat, rounding on him. He jerked to a stop and the worry and shock was written all over his face and my heart was about beating out of my chest and this flush had taken over my whole body because I'd never, not ever spoken to someone like this. Least of all him. And it wasn't about the sorry, not even close. I knew that, but I was latching on to something, anything to have a reason to be mad at him… anything but the fact that I couldn't have him. "You can't do that. You can't… do that again. Vickie…"

"God, I know."

"So, why'd you do it?" I repeated.

He looked at me, not blinking, just staring and pulling my soul clean out of my body. When Edward looked at you, he looked at you.

"I'm—"

"I just— Something came over me. You. I didn't think," He rushed.

Those butterflies fluttered and flapped away in my stomach. And that's when I knew I'd forgiven him already.

I fiddled with the little glow-in-the-dark bracelet I had one and looked at Edward's wrist, but he must've taken his off because it wasn't there.

"No. You didn't. If Vickie had seen… or anyone for that matter."

"I know."

I shook my head, staring at the leaves and the green stains they left on my fingertips. I smudged them together.

"For what it's worth," He said, waiting a beat, "I'm not sorry."

I looked up, at the lightness in his eyes and the taunting smile on his lips. He was trying to lighten the situation, joking, but the way he said it made me think he wasn't.

"We don't apologise."

"Exactly. That's why I'm not," He smiled like he'd won the jackpot, cracked the code, which just so happened to be me. He laughed and I smiled and then he was touching my hair. The plait Alice had done whilst we'd been standing in the kitchen. I'd stood between her legs as she sat on the countertop and she'd just started braiding it. I'd forgotten about it until now. Well, he was just holding the ends of that thick rope and brushing his thumb over the interwoven strands, eyebrows drawn together.

I could see his breath, feel it brushing over my face, that warmth and then he sighed, looking at the floor. I looked, too.

What was he doing… to me?

The ground used to be covered in little yellow flowers, buttercups that I'd hold up to Alice's chin to decide if she liked butter or not —she did, I didn't apparently, but I did, heaps of butter on my toast and I'd cry when she told me I didn't and we'd argue some, which was silly when I looked back, but we were kids and thats what we did. Those flowers, those buttercups, and the long blades of the greenest grass you'd ever seen, well at the time anyway, they were gone and maybe it was because it was winter, I hoped so. But the grass was mottled yellow and a dusty green, but mostly yellow, brittle, like it would crumble if you touched it now, like straw and I thought that was only supposed to happen during the hottest of hot summers, but it was dead, like everything was around these parts. Besides that willow.

I looked from the dead ground to that worn tyre swing. It was dangling from the same blue rope it always dangled from, but it was frayed now. It used to be sky-blue but now it was more powdery and white with age and I imagined the little bits would rub off on your hands. I didn't know who put it there, but I was glad they did.

The rubber was worn down to the tread, cracked at the top from too much weight bearing down on that one spot where the rope was attached. I wondered who'd been back here. I wondered if Edward came back here.

"You come out here a lot?" I asked, looking from the tyre to him. He was looking up at the canopy overhead, circling a little.

"Sometimes," He said, pressing his hands on the tyre, testing his weight on it.

"We used to come out here when we were little, me and Alice," I said, watching him and his arms working.

He looked at me, a flash, and back to the rope. He was testing that now, "You're still little, little girl."

"Well, you make me feel big."

He looked at me, leaned back on his heels, "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Bold and ballsy.

He smirked, "What about your lover-boy?"

"What about him?"

He jerked his chin at me, that smile, "He make you feel as big as I do?"

I rubbed my lips together and shook my head, "Not even close."

That made him smile with his teeth, "Your ma let you come down here by the tracks by yourself when you was… little?"

I liked the fact he said was.

I shook my head, blushing.

"Ooh, you snook around."

I blushed some more.

"Good to know," He said, like that flush answered him. Well, it pretty much did.

"Why's that?"

He let go of the tyre, letting it swing slowly back and forth in front of him. He just smiled. And that answered that.

"You wanna ride?" Edward said, stepping towards the tyre again. He was looking up at all those branches raining over us in that gorgeous canopy arch up above.

"It safe?" I said, looking too.

We didn't worry about such things as kids, but I was grown now. Maybe.

"It'll hold," He said, the tendons in his arms popping as he tugged on the worn blue rope.

I lifted one foot onto the lip of the tyre, pushing my weight onto it just to make sure. Edward rolled his eyes like he was annoyed that I didn't trust him but he was smiling as he fished a pack of smokes from his pocket. He tapped the top of the pack to shake one loose and then flipped the lid, putting them back in his pocket. He lit up, his chin jutted and jaw strong.

I laughed and he looked up at me, at me swinging slightly in the breeze on that one foot still, the other cocked behind me like in those corny teen movies, "What you laughing at, Milkshake Girl?"

"You," I said, resting my cheek against the frayed rope.

He exhaled a long line of smoke, billowing up the willow-top and up, up, up to me balancing on that tyre.

"Sit," He said, patting the space next to my foot. He held my waist as I hopped down and he didn't let go for a moment. I liked the feel of his hands spanning my waist, light and heavy all at once.

One hand moved to my elbow as I manoeuvred my way through the tyre hole and plopped down. The rim dug into my thigh a little but not so much that I wanted to get off.

His hands were on either side of my thighs, curled around that rubber and he pulled me towards him. The branches above made a creaking sound, stretching out 'cause I imagined they hadn't been used in quite a while and then I was flying, soaring towards those vines, gleeful-giggly and close-your-eyes content.

I let the laughter bubble up, tipped my head back and let it out. I looked over my shoulder, smiling and saw it mirrored back, a cigarette hanging between. I looked for a while and he pushed me, letting that ash collect at the end of his smoke until it fell on his shoes.

"Shit," He said, laughing, kicking his foot to shake it off. He let me swing without pushing for a beat, smoking I guessed and then he was right back, pushing me hard, bent at the middle. He grunted and I squealed and he laughed.

"Edward!" I screeched, sky-high soaring, the wind blowing over my face and the baby hairs at my temples. My plait thumped against my back every time I swung back towards him.

He let me slow awhile and then he swung me 'round so I was facing him. He leaned in close, over the top of the tyre and he was right there.

"Hi," He breathed, flashing those pearly whites.

"Hi," I said.

And then he spun me 'round, twisting that rope around and around. I squealed and kicked my legs out, "Don't, don't!"

"Too late," He said all breathy. He stopped it just so, me facing him. I was smiling and breathing heavy and he was doing the same. And then he leant in and kissed me quick. Just a peck, right around that rope, over that worn tyre, but right on my lips. Quick and hard and over just as quick as it had begun.

My mouth popped open in shock and then I was spinning, spinning, spinning. And he was there and then he wasn't and then back again. But on my lips… well, I could still feel him there.

My vision was blurred, and my mind, too. All over the place.

And then it was over and I was slowing and I could see him more clearly, but the rope went around the other way, twisting up again, like my insides, and I was spinning slowly back on myself.

I planted my feet, toes straining, barely brushing the dirt and Edward was standing a foot away, hands stuffed in his pockets and his face solemn.

"Let me take you home," He said.

I lifted my feet into the tyre and pushed back, hopping onto my feet unsteadily.

"I'll take you home," He repeated.

I edged towards him and he watched. That smoke was burning at his feet.

I drew closer and he still didn't move.

"Edward?"

He hummed, swallowed, his eyes darting over my face.

And then I kissed him right back, just a brush of the lips at first, unsure and testing the waters the way he tested that rope. Gentle, so gentle, just slow brushes and stuttered breathes. Just lips, nothing else, everything else. And then his hands on my face, cupping my cheeks, him leaning down to kiss me harder, to kiss me crazy, to kiss me senseless.

My eyes fluttered open. I could see the little blue veins faint on his eyelids, the lashes splayed below them and his lips… on mine. His lips on mine.

I ached to touch him, so I did, my hands on his jaw, the day-old stubble beneath my fingertips, light as a feather, barely touching. He had my face cupped so gently in both of his hands and his lips were brushing so lightly against my own, coaxing me towards him. His thumb working circles on my jaw.

I closed my eyes, falling into him and his kisses and the sweet sweep of his mouth on mine.

This little groan made its way past my lips and I felt his breath stutter on mine, his lips slanted just there as we breathed and then he was kissing me again, harder this time, his fingers getting caught in my hair.

"Bella."

A hum, him or me, maybe both.

"Bella."

"Yes," A breath lost in him.

My eyes were the last to close and the last to open. He brushed his thumb along my bottom lip and then he held my chin and kissed me sweetly and soundly one last time. My eyes fluttered open and he was smiling at me, easy, so easy.

As easy as breathing.

Easy as pie.

A snap. A breeze.

A piece of cake. A milkshake. The ABC's.

As easy as forgetting about age differences and boyfriends and right and wrong.

As easy as forgetting about your cousin, but not her boyfriend. Never him.

He smiled and dipped down to kiss me again.

And surrendering was sweet, but it wasn't nothing.


A/N- I hope you like this 'cause its sure kicked my ass writing it. My father had a stroke, lots of stuff going on, blah-blah-blah, I won't bore you with the intrinsics, but I'm back and I'm better (debatable) and *hopefully* everything's on the up from here on out. Your constant encouragement has been so lovely, truly, and I'm so glad to be back. Hope you guys are still with me 'cause I'm in it for the long-haul even if I haven't updated in a couple months… Sue me.

You don't know how long I've been working on this, rewriting and revising and scrapping and rewriting. It just didn't sit with me, as much as I sat with it… Buh-lieve me. Thank you for your patience, mine very well nearly up and left the room. But, alas.

Chapter title inspired by song of the same name by The Verve.

Love you all like cheese-straws and I literally *love* cheese-straws.

Peace.