Magnus had been right about them having enough to keep them busy. Around noon they were sure that the last of the heroin had left Izzy's systems as it had announced the rapid increase of Izzy's withdrawal symptoms getting worse with the first of several panic attacks. It was worse than the last time and Alec could only pray that it would also mean that this meant it would also pass faster. He was very anxious about leaving her alone, but the fact that Magnus stayed by her as she was camping out on the couch was a great reassurance. It allowed him to step out and get some of Izzy's clothes from the now empty apartment, as Jace and Max had indeed gone to stay with Jocelyn and Luke for a couple of days.
When he returned Izzy had literally thrown herself into his arms and he spent the next hour on the couch with his arms wrapped around her shaking form, begging him to make it stop and not to leave her alone. If this was the first day, they had hell yet to face. But this was the first time Izzy was coming of heroin and not just painkillers and really, he should have expected it.
Magnus was an absolute godsend during the first day. Alec was at first surprised with how well he dealt with the situation. He was very calm, reminding Alec to take a breath and sitting with Izzy to distract her from the anxiety, the shaking and the pain, by holding long conversations about nothing and everything. How he still managed to get work done was a mystery to Alec, but by the time he brought dinner into the living room and found Magnus sitting with Izzy again he was quite convinced that the man knew some form of magic.
Magnus was telling her of his and Alec's trip to the archery range and Izzy was wearing an almost relaxed smile, shaking less than she had when Alec had stepped into the kitchen. They both looked up at him entering with warms smiles and gratefully accepted the bowls of stew he was offering them. Alec had long decided that Izzy didn't have functioning taste buds and as such had no favourite food. It was one of the reasons why she was such an awful cook. Instead he had chosen to make a hearty meal that could sustain her if she was not going to be able to keep food down in the next few days.
'If you thought Alec with a bow was interesting at the range, you should see him in the wild,' Izzy continued the conversation with Magnus after sitting up to be able to eat and settling in against Alec's side.
'In the wild? You actually hunted?'
Alec shook his head: 'No, but we pretended. Jace, Izzy and I would go camping in the woods on Mt Tamalpais for a night, sometimes more, when we wanted to get away for a bit. I'd take my bow, Jace had sword that belonged to his dad, and Izzy varied, but eventually settled on a whip.' Magnus raised an eyebrow at that. 'Yeah. That thing hurts like hell, but she got pretty good at it. We'd run about and fight imaginary dangers to let off some steam that we couldn't with our parents around.'
'"Shadowhunters",' Izzy smiled. 'It feels like forever since we did that. Max is old enough now.'
'Max has no training,' Alec replied. 'And I doubt we're easily going to find another place like that around here.'
'I didn't have any training when I started either.'
'No weapons training, but you had tried sparring with me and Jace before.'
'Spoilsport,' Izzy took a bite of her food.
'So, people just let you run about on this mountain with weapons?'
'The trick was to not get caught,' Izzy smiled.
'We had a hidden place where we set of camp and we knew nobody would come. We mostly went out when it was already dark and we'd try to stay out of sight.'
'How did you come up with something like that?' Magnus asked amused. Unfortunately it instantly caused the faces of the two lightwood siblings to fall. They shared a look, before Alec spoke.
'First time we went out was right after we found out our father was having an affair. Our mother had known for a while, but we were so angry with him. We just needed to vent, so I set up the camping trip and packed my bow. When Jace noticed he packed a couple more weapons. I don't exactly know why he did it, but I only found out when we got there.'
'I thought up the story,' Izzy continued. 'We were a team that hunted demons and would rely implicitly on each other even when the whole world was against us. After that first time, whenever me or Jace couldn't take it anymore, Alec'd take us demon hunting. When Alec got his first tattoo we drew it on ourselves as well and pretended it gave us special powers. He started coming up with missions and Jace would lead the team.'
'And what about you?' Magnus asked.
'I did everything,' Izzy smiled. 'Clary currently has me as resident anatomical pathologist, weapons master and professional distraction.'
'Clary?'
'Jace's girlfriend,' Alec informed Magnus. 'He's staying with her parents currently. Clary is studying art and making this graphic novel together with a friend of hers. Ever since Jace told her about this game we used to play they've not been able to let it go, so they are turning it into a story. It's gotten quite involved by now.'
'Last I heard Simon was turned into a vampire,' Izzy put her empty place on the coffee table. 'They've got this whole story about magical artifacts that we're trying to protect and a rogue shadowhunter starting a war. But honestly it is pretty cool.'
'I bet,' Magnus replied before seeing Izzy be once again overtaken with shaking turning to Alec. 'So is weapon mastery a common thing in the Lightwood family?'
'Kinda,' Alec replied. 'Our father did fencing and our mother practised kendo before she married him. She was very insistent on all of us learning self defense and encouraged both me and Jace to practise more when we wanted. We've only taught Max some basic self defense.' Izzy moaned in discomfort causing both men to abruptly turn towards her.
'Should I call Catarina to see if she can do something for you?' Magnus asked softly.
'No,' Izzy replied. 'I can do this. I've done it before and I'll do it again.'
'Izzy, you don't have to-,' but Alec was interrupted by Izzy again.
'We're Lightwoods. We break noses and accept the consequences.'
'My dear, this is a little different from breaking someone else's nose. This is heroin.'
'I'm fine!' Izzy startled at her own shout and immediately looked regretful. 'I'm sorry. It's just… I know I can do this. It's a week of being absolutely miserable. After that it's just mental, the same as always. If I take something for relief… I don't know if I'll just fall back. And I know that in a couple of hours I'll probably be singing an entirely different tune, but…'
Alec wrapped his arms around his sister and pulled her back against his chest. His chin rested on top of her head: 'We're not going to make you do anything you don't want to, Izzy. And we know you can handle this.'
'We're just concerned and we want to help,' Magnus leaned forward on his chair. 'But we'll do it entirely on your terms.' Tears welled up in Izzy's eyes and she nodded. Alec pulled her in a little tighter and she couldn't help the tears that rolled down her cheeks.
She wiped her eyes by burying her face in Alec's arms before giving Magnus a weak smile: 'God damn mood swings.' This caused all three of them to laugh.
'Want to make a plan for the next few days while you've got a handle on yourself?' Alec asked. She nodded in reply. 'Then we'll do that.' Magnus decided to give them some space by putting away the dishes and disappearing into his office to get some of the work he hadn't gotten to today done.
It was a couple of hours later that Alec's voice from the doorframe made him look up: 'I like those paintings.' Magnus turned his eyes towards the pair of impressionist paintings on his office wall.
'I reunited them years ago,' Magnus said. 'They are the only original works I have left.' Alec nodded in understanding as he took another moment to take in the ship in stormy weather and the lighthouse calling it home.
'You plan on continuing for much longer?' Alec turned back to Magnus.
'Not anymore. How is Isabelle?' He folded his hands and rested his chin on top of them as he looked at Alec.
'Surprisingly asleep,' Alec leant against the doorframe. 'I'm going to crash on the couch so I won't wake her.'
'We'll find you some blankets and a pillow.'
Alec nodded: 'How are you doing?'
Magnus let out a sigh: 'Shouldn't I be asking you that question?'
'Maybe, but I asked first.' Magnus chuckled at the crooked grin on Alec's face.
'Fair. I'm good. Your sister is a delight, as long as she isn't overtaken by mood swings. I enjoy hearing about your youthful escapades,' Magnus leant back in his chair. 'And I'm glad to be able to help you in this. After all that you've done for me, it feels good to be able to do something in return.'
'Magnus…'
'No, I won't hear it. You have gone above and beyond any of my expectations. The reason that I can do this, letting someone stay at my apartment without having a minor panic attack, is you. So you will take it with grace, like a grown up.' Alec couldn't help the chuckle that escaped him.
'Thanks, Magnus.'
'So, how are you, Alexander?'
Alec let out a sigh: 'Not sure. Worried mostly, but very happy to have her here. I can't imagine how we would have gotten through this if I still was running from job to job in a cold basement apartment with a stoner next door. Although I'm pretty sure I broke his nose.' Magnus noted the inward smile at the thought of that and made a mental note to ask Alec about it later.
'I'm worried about how much damage the heroin has done to Izzy, even if she only took it a few times, it is quite a lot more serious than the painkillers before. Also worried about Jace and Max, Jace a bit more than Max right now, but I don't know if there's anything I can do about that until Izzy gets through the worst of it. Worried about you, even though you told me not to, but then again I'm always worried about you.' Alec smiled warmly and Magnus couldn't help but return it.
'Did you learn more about what happened?'
Alec nodded: 'It was stress over the end of term exams and me not being there to lean on. She's telling me not to blame myself, but I can't help it. I should have gone to see them maybe once or twice. I just, got so caught up with everything around here… I forgot.'
'Alexander, if you need a day off occasionally. I more than support that. You just have to say so.'
'I know,' Alec replied. 'But it's not exactly something I'm used to. And like I said, I worry about you. I didn't really want to leave you alone.' The open and fond look in Alec's eyes took Magnus aback. He couldn't help but stare back.
'Alexander…'
Alec broke the eye contact with a shrug: 'Anyway. She went out to get oxy, but unfortunately heroin is much easier to come by and cheaper. She didn't refuse when it was offered. It's definitely making her withdrawal worse.'
'Did you ever consider getting her into a program?'
'I did. We couldn't afford it the first time. Addiction like hers they generally gradually reduce her intake, which runs high in the costs. I would have paid for it, but she said that it would only make her feel more guilty, which was also a bad thing. So instead I delayed getting a job for a week and sat with her as she went through it.
'Now… She doesn't want it. She had a very averse reaction to the support groups the first time. Kept on calling it sentimental crap and found it difficult that she was the only teenager in the group. So we set rules, and that helps her. Very mundane things, like I'm not allowed to give her milk as long as there is any chance of her throwing up. She cannot keep the curtains closed all day or be alone in a room while she's awake. I don't know how different it is going to be this time, but it helped her last time.'
'She's very lucky to have you for her brother.'
'Yeah, well,' Alec coloured lightly. 'I'm lucky to have all of them for my siblings. I don't think I could have stuck it out as long as I have without all of them.'
'What do you mean by that?' Magnus leant forward, now interested.
'All of this,' Alec motioned around him. 'I couldn't have imagined being anywhere like this after the accident. Working three jobs on little to no sleep, living in crappy apartments and this constant cloud hanging over our heads, it's all for them. And even before. My relationship with our parents, it was not a good one. The shadowhunters game, I needed it as much as they did. Taking care of them. It's my life. And some may say that sounds sad, but it makes me happy. Makes me who I am.'
Magnus examined Alec carefully. He had not moved from his position, leaning against the doorframe. His arms crossed casually over his chest, his expression surprisingly open. He had often heard Alec talk about his siblings, but this really confirmed his suspicions. Alec had given up his life for his siblings. He'd raised them and provided for them and never asked for anything in return but their love. And looking at Isabelle, it was clear that they had that in abundance.
It was sad that Alec had no one to look out for him. That he had to work himself to death, take weird job offers from rich strangers and collapse in a backroom from exhaustion, to provide for a family that was dumped into his lap. But knowing what he knew about Alec, the family man, the caretaker, he also realised that being able to do this for his siblings was the greatest joy he could achieve.
'I understand.' The words caused Alec to smile lightly. It was rare for anyone who learned anything about his situation to be this understanding. Usually they yelled at him for being irresponsible, or got this pitying look in their eyes. And really, neither was useful.
'So what was this you said about a broken nose?'
They talked for a good while longer before heading to bed. Magnus had the fleeting thought to offer Alec to join him in bed, but quickly pushed it far to the back of his mind, despite complete platonic intention. Alec instead crashed on the couch after having pulled a blanket and pillow from the linen closet in the hall.
That was where Magnus found him the next morning, sitting up with Izzy's head in his lap, reading Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility to her. She looked pale and tired but Alec's fingers combing through her hair and it voice seemed to settle her. She was the first one to notice Magnus enter the living room.
'Magnus.' This caused Alec to immediately stop reading and look up.
'Good morning, my dear Lightwoods. Did you get some sleep?' Alec put a bookmark in the book as Izzy sat up.
'Yeah,' she replied. 'More than I anticipated.'
'Well, that's good. Are the two of you up for breakfast?' Alec looked at his sister who gave an eager nod, upon which Magnus disappeared into the kitchen. Breakfast turned out to be the only meal that day that Izzy would manage to keep down. Alec was quite adamant about having her drink enough when the sweating started, but spent most of the day reading to her in between panic attacks, as the shakes, sweats and pains were getting increasingly bad.
Magnus and Alec were very relieved to see Catarina appear early in the afternoon. After checking that Izzy was just feeling like hell and not in any actual danger she went with Alec over his concerns that she was already not keeping food down. She had some tips, but mostly reassured him that as long as she drank enough there was very little real danger to her. Afterwards she helped Izzy in taking another bath, which definitely made all the withdrawal symptoms worse, but Izzy was happy to feel slightly cleaner at the very least.
Catarina sat with them for another hour after that before promising to come back in two days and telling them to call her if they needed her help. Alec was immensely grateful for all the support Izzy was receiving. He worried for his sister, but also felt the guilt eat him alive.
He should have been able to prevent this.
With his leaving, her support system had fallen apart. She'd had to go through her fears and anxieties and cravings alone. She had held out as long as she could and he hadn't come back. He'd failed her. He'd failed in his promise to her. His promise to all of them.
Only three days after he'd come home to tell them their father was dead, he'd had to tell his siblings that their mother too was gone. He couldn't tell them what had happened, he couldn't console them and tell them that it was going to be okay. Because he didn't know. The only thing at that point he had been able to offer was his promise to always be there for them.
'Alec?' He turned from his position looking out the window back to Izzy. Her eyes were teary and red, she was sweating and snivelling and shaking and clearly in a lot of pain.
'I'm here, Izzy.'
'Alec it hurts.'
'I know it does, Izzy.'
'Please, please, Alec. Make it go away.' Hearing his sister on the edge of tears broke his heart. He immediately went over to sit next to her and pulled her into his arms. She winced at the movement and for a second he thought she was once again going to puke, but instead she just gripped his arms very tightly.
'I can't, Izzy. You said so yourself.'
'I know, but it hurts.' Alec didn't reply. He tightened his embrace and softly rocked her back and forth. They sat like that for a while, waiting for the worst of the wave to wash over and Izzy to find her voice again.
'Where's Magnus?'
'In his office. He had some more work to do,' Alec replied without hesitation. 'You like him, don't you?'
Izzy's back was against his chest so he couldn't see her face, but he could hear the tired smile in her voice: 'I like the way you are around him, big brother.'
'What's that supposed to mean?'
'Just. He's good for you. If you took up archery again…'
'That was just a one time thing,' Alec said. 'It's not like I can really go all the way out of the city to the range. I have responsibilities.'
'Not the point.'
'Then what is your point?'
Izzy worked herself out of his arms and once again laid her head in his lap: 'Would you read to me again?' For a moment Alec considered pressing for an answer, but seeing her shivering form in this slight moment of calm he decided not to disturb it. He picked up the book and continued where he'd left off.
