I DO NOT OWN INUYASHA OR OURAN HIGHSCHOOL HOSTCLUB


Veni Vidi Amavi

Chapter 15

Of Death and Life


It was time to stop. She decided. Time to stop hiding, time to stop living in the past-

-To stop letting ghosts take over her life.

The way they looked at her was intense and something gripped at her heart that she couldn't exactly place. The sensation was unpleasant and painful like a stick slowly digging deep and sending out sharp intervals of pain, but she was if not resilient.

Her eyes fell down despite her so-called braveness, a part of her still terrified at how weak they will see her now, how pathetic and small and helpless she actually is. The feeling of her exposed skin was almost relieving, the cool air kissing against the sensitive puckered flesh of her failed sins and if not for the chilling coldness that covered over her like first blown snow, she might've found it soothing.

It was the feeling of something wet falling on her skin that had her looking up-

-to see the steady stream of tears falling from Hikaru's eyes.

He had her arm in a relaxed grip, fingers shaking and holding her so softly as if afraid that she'll break in millions of tiny pieces for him and Kaoru to pick and fix. He traced over the morbid line that covered nearly a foot of space in her arm, a single, angry, slice on flesh that had him blinking and blinking until everything melted and he felt as if he's drowning.

The scar was puckered and uneven, morbidly pale against the flawless skin of her forearm. His fingers brushed against a similar feel of bumpy skin and he choked when he saw that the whole scar was mirrored from the other side of her limb.

How… How did she survive this?

Kaoru was especially still and he dragged his eyes over to him, and promptly wept harder when the same thing was on her other arm.

This… This was nothing like they expected.

They had their own thoughts and suspicions, but they were all nothing compared to the weight of the pair of scars kissing the length of her arms.

These… These were made to kill.

She watched as they bowed over her sins, pressing their faces against the slowly dampening blemishes of her past. The small whispers of her name from their lips were heavy with relief and sadness.

Relief that she is here. She is real.

-And she is breathing.

Kaoru was shaking and his breathing was erratic, concerning Hikaru until he realized that he's suffering the same. They were going through shock and it showed, their amber eyes growing hazy as the weight of the secret they oh so coveted to attain fell upon them with the ferocity of a rain in a scorching desert.

She drew them against her like a mother to her pained children and they let her. They clung to her amidst their tears and apologies, saying sorry for no reason but just because. She was warm, and moving, and most important of all, alive,-and they gripped her tighter because by the gods once upon a time ago they would've lost her.

The smell and feel of their grief was the thing that had the tears falling from her own eyes and she returned their apologies and gave hers.

Then they thanked her.

Thanked her for fighting.

For staying.

For not giving up.

Hikaru was an ugly crier and Kagome can't stop the urge to wipe his snot and tears away like how she did to Shippo when he fell down and skinned a knee. He was bawling and shouting at her at the same time, his shock and despair giving way to righteous anger.

"You're not allowed to leave us! You're staying and you can't do anything about it!"

His brother nodded from her other side and she marvelled at the manner of how he wept. Hikaru was wild and loud, big fat tears and noisy sniffs. Kaoru was the opposite, he was silent and his tears were slow but free falling, the type of crying Kagome usually sees in superstars on tv. His emotion was more subdued but just as potent, cradling her arm against his face and letting his tears drip down while he closed his eyes and thanked whatever god that was listening for letting Kagome overcome the demons that clawed at her flesh.

"You don't need to fight alone anymore. You have us."

Kagome never hated her scars more than she did that very moment. If only she can heal them away then they won't ever be plagued by the looming knowledge of her not existing in their lives had her spirit given up and allowed the deed to be done.

They fell asleep in the middle of their crying, tired and exhausted from suffering the brunt of her past with their tears crusting on their cheeks which she softly brushed away with loving fingers. Swallowing, she combed her digits to their auburn locks, humming a song that made their bodies relax and shift closer to her and she marveled at the fact that Hikaru stayed as Hikaru and Kaoru stayed as Kaoru, not the ghosts of Shippo and Rin who had held her oh so preciously while they slept under the stars of a long ago time that was never even there anymore.

The night ran deep and she stayed awake, her hand still fluttering over the softly breathing forms of her new foxes, thinking of the present instead of the past.

Something shifted and unconsciously, a weight she had been holding all these years lessened and she found breathing to be a little bit easier.

Her scars remained uncovered, unfeeling and numb.

The itch never came.


It was no surprise to the twins and Kagome to see the rest of the Host club first thing in the morning clamoring over the bed they're sharing, Tamaki immediately shrieking loud enough to awaken them all and the rest of the Hitachiin household by sheer volume alone.

Sadly, Tamaki nor the others were aware of the fact that like their very own grumpy Shadow Lord -who was actually very very pissed at his idiot of a friend for waking him up so early just to visit someone who molested him just a day prior- and hyperactive senpai, Kagome is actually a type AB.

Meaning another hypotension demon was added to the Host club's roster.

With nothing more than a glare and threats of a potent curse, Kagome was left alone to get more sleep while the rest of the host club tripped over their feet trying to get out of the witch's lair.

If everyone noticed the swollen eyes of the twins nor their lack of lively energy, no one brought it up and they simply asked about what happened yesterday. The twins relayed the story to the others, leaving out the fact about the nasty little things hidden beneath long sleeves and sweet smiles.

"Is Kagome going to be alright?"

The twins turned to Haruhi and told her that Kagome's too stubborn to not be okay just because of a fainting spell and it was in the way of how they said it that had everyone thinking that the twins know something more than they're letting on.

Breakfast was then served and Tamaki took no time dragging Kyoya out of his chair and away from his coffee and loudly proclaimed that he should be the one to wake Kagome up, as to grace her day with his shining presence.

Kyoya was there to serve as a meat shield.

Nothing beats a Hypotension Demon than an equally grumpy Hypotension Lord after all.

However, when they arrived at the room, their hostess was already awake and coherent and Kyoya discreetly stepped behind Tamaki, his very cells screaming at him to stay away from the monster and her lips.

They talked as she got ready with Tamaki beside her sitting on the bed and Kyoya more than a couple of feet away, stubbornly trying to show Kagome that he was displeased and no amount of cute priestess in oversized sweaters can prove so otherwise.

Tamaki's lively babble was abruptly cut short and it was what prompted Kyoya to look at the two's direction-

And promptly had the urge to throw up.

She was probably in the middle of tying up her hair when the sleeves of the sweater slipped, displaying the gruesome scars that Tamaki was oh so very quick to notice.

"What- What is-"

Her eyes were sad and accepting when Tamaki reached out with trembling fingers, pushing the sleeves further and displaying the entirety of her forearm that had both boys speechless.

Tamaki was quick to draw her close and the way how his arms had tightened around her was almost painful, but if she survived through stabbing both of her arms open, this was nothing but a passing ache. He was quivering and Kagome apologized to him, going up her tiptoes to return the fear filled embrace of her favorite president, hands gently rubbing up and down his back.

Like the night prior, her name was said over and over with a broken voice and streaming tears, as if the mantra of her name was enough to chase away the haze of horror and cement the fact that she is here.

"I'm so sorry I haven't found you sooner."

She closed her eyes at the broken words whispered to her ear, so apologetic and twice as remorseful, heart stuttering painfully at the way Tamaki obviously blamed himself for being late of all things.

Something moved to the side and she saw Kyoya who finally gathered enough will to walk over them, his eyes were hiding behind the glare of his glasses but he slowly outstretched his hand and took one of the arms comforting the weeping blonde, fingers ghosting over the disfigured skin from where she had dug a kitchen knife in.

The lights shifted on his glasses and she could finally see his eyes.

He didn't cry or even shed a tear like his best friend but the way how his brows crinkled and his eyes narrowed in what she can almost identify as pain, was enough to show how the sight of her scars distraught the normally calm boy.

His fingers moved and he grasped her hand, head bowed and face once more unreadable.

Kagome gave him a soft smile and pulled him close. Kyoya went over with no hesitation and she slipped her hand away from his grip only to reach up his head, drawing him in a soft embrace along with Tamaki who had gotten silent and simply held the priestess to center himself.

The Ootori boy buried his nose against her shoulder and breathed in her scent, trying to overcome the coldness the vision of her scars had brought. Unconsciously, his arms moved and he settled one around Kagome's waist and another over Tamaki's back, clenching his eyes closed when an image of her, lying in a pool of her own blood with gaping arms and sliced arteries swam in his brain.

Something screamed in his mind.

Who saved her?

Was she alone?

How did she live through that?

"Kyoya, breathe."

The soft command earned a deep gulp of air from the bespectacled boy and it was only then that he felt the burning of his lungs, fingers clenching around the sweater by Kagome's waist.

The two second years finally drew away after a moment and Kagome gave them a beautiful giggle, hands wiping Tamaki's tears as she tutted at him for crying over something so stupid.

Something that was better left in the past.

She had always been so soft for Tamaki and the genuine wonder in the way he gazed at her, as if she's an angel that walked on earth was enough to fill her with warmth, making her toes curl in delight.

A yelp escaped her lips when the blonde suddenly picked her up, his voice light and oh so full of awe.

"You're amazing! Magnifique! Beautiful, and you're here! You're with us!"

Lively laughter spilled out of her lips as her tears leaked down, the droplets unnoticed as the blonde continued to spin her around only to hug her close once more when he settled her down to her feet.

Kyoya watched with a slowly easing heart and decided to not let the past consume his thoughts more than it already did.

Her smile was much more important than bloodstains and long forgotten stitches.

Remember the things that has been lost, fight for what hasn't been.

She was met with Honey the moment she and the two second years managed to head down for breakfast, the twins automatically noticing Tamaki's bloodshot eyes and Kyoya's distraught hair.

They met gazes and Kyoya gave them a barely there nod.

We know.

Everyone ate over lively chatter, the atmosphere homey and relaxed and four sets of eyes silently observed the miko whose smile was particularly brighter than usual. They watched her, the initial despair her scars had brought eventually getting replaced by adoration over the girl who single handedly fought away the clutches of her skeletons and still managed to have room in her heart to love.

She gave another beaming smile and something clicked and those who were watching were forced to look away with suddenly burning cheeks.

Oh boy…

Breakfast was then finished and it was unanimously decided that the two commoner girls will be cooking them lunch much to Haruhi's ire and Kagome's delight. The two girls made a beeline for the spacious kitchen and looked at the pantry, promptly sweat dropping at the lavish ingredients that they will surely mess up considering the circumstances.

The brunette volunteered to go out to shop for things that they needed for a simple meal consisting of grilled tuna, yakitori sticks, tempura and other basic Japanese lunch meals that the hosts requested for them to prepare.

Ever willing to see more of the commoner culture, Tamaki went without any more prompting along with the twins with Kyoya simply stating that he'd rather stay only to be promptly dragged by his best friend once more.

Mori and Honey opted to help Kagome prepare some of the food that she can already start with the tall senior silently asking for instructions while Honey idly chatted and asked about various types of commoner sweets.

When it was time to cut up some meat for the yakitori, Kagome took a deep breath before she rolled the sleeves of her sweater to keep them away as she started slicing the meat into thin strips. It was not a moment later when small arms hugged her from behind and Kagome put down the kitchen knife she was using and wiped her hands on her apron. Turning slowly, the small arms fell away and Kagome smiled at Honey's saddened, distraught gaze. She picked him up and bounced at her feet when he clung to her like a baby, patting his back as she whispered sweet things to the senior.

The other male in the room stared at her with soft eyes, thumb gently swiping at the corner of her eye when he noticed a single tear sparkling against her lashes. She took his hand and held it, still swaying Honey as she constantly murmured Im fine and Don't be sad to the small blonde.

He called out to her with a meek voice and she supported his back so he could face her, blue eyes loving and thankful. Honey pressed his forehead against her and gently laid his hands against her cheeks, enjoying how warm and soft and alive she was, wrapped around him so beautifully.

"You're so strong. So brave. I'm so glad I met you."

Kagome laughed amidst her tears and pressed a loving kiss against his forehead, whispering Im glad I met you too in between the small pecks she showered him with.

Mori laid a hand against her hair and she audibly swallowed when instead of his usual ruffling, he dragged his hand against her long hair in an intimate caress, the tips of his finger leaving sparks on her scalp and she was mildly dazed at the radiance of the small smile he graced her with.

"We'll protect you from now on."

He was familiar with the concept of hugging, having been on the receiving end of his cousin's infinite supply of it most of his life. Yet, something felt different when it was the small girl he's holding in his arms and despite the ever cool expression in his face, Mori tried his best to keep the trembles he can feel starting to build up from showing.

She's fine. She's not in danger. She's safe here.

With them.

The door suddenly clicked open and the sound from Haruhi's exasperated sigh and the twin's rambunctious laughter had Mori and Kagome stepping away from each other, Honey silently picking up his precious Usa-chan from the floor below.

Haruhi walked towards the kitchen, not noticing the weird buzz of something in the atmosphere and simply dropped the bag of groceries by the table and began taking out the things from the plastic bag.

Swapping meaningful gazes, the host club looked at Kagome and she gave them a meaningful smile, subtly tilting her head towards Haruhi's direction. Tamaki looked worried, fearing for his girls and the sadness Haruhi will undoubtedly feel at the upcoming reveal.

We'll be fine. She mouthed at him and finally, with Mori softly giving him a push by his back, the host president vanished along with the others.

Kagome licked her lips and inwardly prepared herself for the incoming hurdle she would need to cross over. She needs to do this.

Have to do this.

She's tired of feeling cornered, tired of hiding behind sleeves and tasteless smiling.

Tired of being pulled down.

For the longest of time, she had always blamed herself. Blamed everything that she did because all the things that had happened to her was due to her actions and hers alone.

People died because of the Jewel she brought back and broke.

History had rewritten and erased itself because she made the wrong choice and gave the jewel to the wrong person.

Her family was gone because she drove them away cause all she can think about is just herself.

There were more things she could make a list of, countless numbers of what ifs that constantly drowns and swallows and burns at her patience until everything became too much.

She can still feel it, to this day. The weight of the knife on her hand as she walked aimlessly towards the forsaken well where everything had started.

She was poetic and had the flair of ending things from where it had begun after all.

Kagome can vividly remember everything, from the impact of her body against the bottom of the well, bones crushing, limbs bending, to the ringing of her skull from where she had fallen on a rock, eyes blackening with spots and darkness. The weightlessness she had grown to tie to the well was absent and the gravity that replaced it was almost enough to do the deed she wanted to be done, weight landing solidly against hard ground.

The feel of the knife as she stabbed it to her wrist doesn't even compare to the slowly cracking walls of her sanity, the smell of iron filling up the well almost immediately to the point that her disoriented senses had mistaken her surroundings with the battlefield from the past. The tip of the knife clicked with a thin, sharp sound when it hit a rock from where it went through her fragile skin and bones. She remembered how she dragged the object down the rest of her arm, flaying and slicing over sinews and tendons alike as blood sprayed from the gaping flesh.

She had considered committing harakiri but she will never taint the honorable souls of the samurais by replicating the ceremony.

She had no honor left to spare.

Doing the same morbid treatment on her other limb proved to be difficult, her fingers had lost their sensation, probably due to a tendon she had sliced that was in control of her digits. So she improvised and put the knife between her thighs, bringing down her dominant hand against it and pulling. She clicked her tongue back then, annoyed at the shallow cut despite her bones peeking from the flayed wound.

The steady pool of blood accumulating from beneath her was warm and amidst the darkness of the well and the silence of the nothingness, she can almost sense a semblance of peace. Her vision started getting blurry and for the first time in a while, she smiled as she drifted, inwardly preparing her speech from when she would meet her family.

But she didn't.

She lived.

She recalled how she shouted herself hoarse when she woke up, still at the bottom of the well and still with her veins cut open. The blood had started to crust but to her horror, she's-.

Still.

Alive.

The roar that came out of her was primal, full of anger and rage and despair and as her tears fell down along with the blood that still oozed from her wound, she called out to whatever god that was listening and begged.

Please! Please take me away!

Kill me! Smite me!

Take me to hell even!

Just please!

Take me and bring them back!

Don't punish them for my sins!

Strike me instead!

The way how she went absolutely feral inside the well that devours was almost akin to a demon. She scratched, howled, hit, and even when that was not enough, she took the fallen knife and ran it across her throat.

Yet…

She lived.

She drowned in her own blood but still, she breathes.

She clawed at her throat and teared viciously at the skin but still, she breathes.

It was when days had already passed that she finally accepted the fact that no matter what she do, no matter how deep she stab, no matter how much she begs-

She will live.

So she was forced to do the next thing.

She just… Existed.

Aimlessly roaming around with no cause, damned to eternity and cursed with isolation. It was with slowly dawning horror that she understood then.

This is the punishment.

From all the mistakes and all the blood on her hands, this is her atonement.

To live forever as everything, even time, crumbles around her leaving her with nothing but the chilling promise of cold, biting solitude.

It was Haruhi's soft voice that had her blinking back to reality, brown eyes looking at her in confusion as the smaller girl handed her a jar of pickled radish. She raised a trembling hand to accept the object when she forgot that she still had her sleeves rolled up.

Falling from numb fingers, the jar fell and shattered with a mind numbing crash.

Then Haruhi was unto her.

There was an odd sound coming up from the brunette, a mixture between a gasp and a wheeze as she bore down on Kagome with a hand gripped tightly around the scarred arm she had seen.

The host club appeared the moment the jar shattered into tiny pieces and watched as Haruhi broke apart trying to comprehend the fact that at a certain point in time, Kagome had genuinely tried to kill herself.

"Wha- What is this?! What did you do to yourself?!"

She didn't know Haruhi's voice can garner such level of ferocity but here she was, high strung and a thousand things more as she shouted and yelled because she had only felt fear twice in her life and this time she can safely say that third time is definitely not the charm.

Tamaki took a step forward but was held still when Honey pulled him back, giving him a gentle shake of the head.

This is between them.

A string of apologies fell upon Kagome's lips and she felt herself crying for the umpteenth time that day, the raw anguish and pain in Haruhi's eyes being far more painful than any blade she had tried to stab herself with.

"I was alone, I didn't have anybody. I drove my family away and they ended up paying for my mistakes. I shouldn't be the one who stayed. The shrine needed grandpa and mom didn't deserve to die like that- Souta is still so young and it should've been me instead!"

Haruhi drove forward and curled around the girl who the world had wronged for so many reasons, a strangled sob retching from her throat. Everything was so dizzying and she couldn't breathe. Something was pushing at her throat and she feels as if she's gonna throw up but she can't cause Kagome needs her and her hold on her was tight and-

"Promise me Kagome please-" Haruhi knows she's a mess but all she can think about were the blue eyes in front of her and the fact that they're bright and shining and alive. "-don't do anything like that ever again!"

"Don't leave me like Mama did!"

The bulldozer that were the girls' words nearly brought the boys to their knees, fragile, sheltered hearts chipping at the raw emotional display as the two females drew comfort from each other.

Haruhi slumped against her and resorted to desperate begging, pleading to the gods, to Kagome, to never ever try and leave her because it takes long for Haruhi to love and Kagome lost all the right to leave the moment Haruhi did.

"I won't. I promise I won't." she vowed, an oath she refuses to break just for the sake of the people she can't bear to hurt even more with her selfish actions.

If she can't live for herself-

-she'll live for them.

Death might've abandoned her, but god forbids she'd do the same to the people who breathed life back into her.

The loneliest moment of her life was when her world started falling apart under her fingertips and all she could do was to stare blankly, powerless.

This time she'll fight back.

She lost her world twice already-

Have been broken twice already-

Kagome hopes that this time, her third one will be the charm to set her free.


(Unbeta-ed and unchecked)

You are loved. You are important. You matter.

Never think that you deserve pain or suffering.

You're human and you deserve to live and be happy.

Times might be tough and the urge to give up might be strong but always remember, it's okay to be sad, because that's how you know when you're happy.

The darker the night, the brighter the stars.

R&R~

And thus I wither