CHAPTER 15
"James Finnegan Casey, you are making a mess!" I said, watching my son paint pictures on the tray of his highchair with spaghetti sauce and a few stray noodles. He looked up at me and giggled, flashing a big grin. His cheeks were a bright red-orange color and resembled two tangerines.
"It's bath time for you, my little man," I said, clearing the dishes. I put them in the dishwasher and returned to the dining room with a wet soapy sponge. I wiped down the high chair and removed the tray. Just as I was unstrapping him, the doorbell rang. I picked Finn up and headed towards the front door. Through the glass, I could see Jace standing on the front porch holding two full paper shopping bags. I turned the deadbolt and opened the door.
"I know I'm early. I hope it's okay," he said.
"Of course it's okay. Come in. I was just about to take this guy upstairs to give him a bath," I said. Jace walked into the middle of the entry hall, still hanging on to the bags.
"By the looks of it, he needs to be power washed!" he said, laughing.
"Yeah, he loves to smear spaghetti sauce on every conceivable surface. You can set your bags down and make yourself comfortable. Grab a drink for yourself. I won't be long," I said, nodding my head towards the living room.
"Would you mind if I helped you with giving him a bath?" he asked, looking a little uncertain.
"Not at all," I said. "I could use an extra set of hands. I hope that's not dinner in those bags cos I've got ribs in the crockpot," I said, looking at the bags he was holding on to.
"Nope. These are full of photo albums. I thought you might be interested in lookin' at some of them. It's okay if you don't, Cook. I know it might be awkward," he said, setting them down by the table in the entry hall.
"Actually, I would. I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately, things about you and me, like flashbacks on our life together," I said, heading up the stairs. Jace followed close behind.
"Like what?" he asked.
"A couple of nights ago, I dreamt about driving a black convertible. You were in the passenger seat, hanging on for dear life and I was laughing. Does that mean anything to you?"
"It does, Cook. I bought you a black Mustang convertible for your twenty-third birthday and the first time you drove it, you were a maniac!" he said, laughing.
"It was pretty funny. I remember I woke up giggling," I said.
"Are there anymore you can tell me about?" he asked.
"Yeah, I had a brief one this morning. The two of us were sitting on a bed and you were putting Band-Aids on my feet. Does that make any sense?"
"Christ Almighty, Cook, it sure as hell does! You got mad at me one Sunday after brunch at North Star and refused to ride back to the ranch with me. You walked home instead and ended up with nasty blisters and scratches on your feet a week before our weddin'," he said, excitedly.
"Yeah, that sounds like something I would do," I said, smiling.
"I wonder what's caused all these memories to come back after so many years," he said.
"When Dr. Harrison came to the house that day, he told me that it was a possibility, that an image or even a certain smell could trigger them. He said that they might pop out one at a time or it could be like someone opened the floodgates and they all come rushing back to me. To be honest, it's been happening since I first saw you that night at The Roadhouse," I said.
"That's amazin', baby," he said.
"Could you get Finn undressed while I run some water in the tub? His room is this one," I said, pushing open the door. I let the fact that he called me 'baby' slide by. Matthew wasn't here to hear it, so I saw no harm in letting him do it. To be honest, it didn't bother me as much as when he first called me that a few weeks ago.
"Sure thing, Cook. Come here, pardner," he said, taking Finn from my arms. I went into the bathroom across the hall from Finn's room, secured his bath ring on the bottom of the tub and turned on the water. I grabbed a washcloth and towel from the linen closet, then tossed a few of his bath toys into the tub before heading into Finn's room. I stood in the doorway and watched in silence as Jace got him ready for the bath.
"We've gotta get you ready for bath time, pardner," he said, lifting Finn's shirt carefully over his head. "You're covered from head to toe in 'pisghetti sauce," he said, making Finn giggle. "You think that's funny, huh big guy? You're a little devil, I can tell," said Jace, pulling off Finn's mini Nike sneakers and shorts. "Well, that there ain't so funny," he said, opening Finn's diaper.
"Let me do that, Jace. We're still a long way from mastering potty training yet," I said, unsure if he was equipped to handle changing a poopy diaper.
"It's OK, baby. I got this. Besides, I never got a chance to do this sort of thing with Harper…" he said, his voice trailing off. I felt tears prick at the corner of my eyes. The heartache this man had endured at not being able to be a father to our daughter broke my heart. Neither of us had been given the opportunity to be parents to her, but at least I had Finn to fill that gap. Jace had nothing to fill his. I watched him as he adeptly cleaned Finn's butt and discard the dirty diaper like a pro.
"Bath time, buddy!" he said, lifting Finn off the changing table. Finn giggled and grabbed a fistful of Jace's long hair and shoved it into his mouth. "Didn't you get your fill of 'pisghetti, pardner? You gotta eat my hair?" he said, making Finn giggle again. He walked across the hallway, kneeled down by the tub and slid Finn into his bath ring. He picked up the washcloth, squirted some soap into it and lathered it up. He dabbed it on Finn's cheeks, wiping away the sauce that had dried on them.
"You're good at this," I said, watching him wash my son.
"Yeah, I would have made a hell of a Dad," he said, not looking up.
"You would have," I said, feeling a few tears roll down my cheeks. I reached up and squeezed Jace's shoulder. He turned his head slightly to look at me and I could see that his eyes were wet, too. I wanted to do something to comfort him, soothe the pain and sense of loss he was feeling, reach out and hold him, anything that would tell him that I understood what he was going through. He reached up and touched my hand with his, which was wet and soapy. I wrapped my fingers around his and squeezed, hoping that would be enough to convey what I was feeling.
"Does he need his hair washed, Momma?" he asked, suddenly breaking our silent communication.
"Yeah, let me get his little visor thing that keeps the soap out of his eyes," I said, getting up from the floor. I opened up the cabinet underneath the sink and grabbed the bath hat that was shaped like a firefighter's helmet. It had a little rim that conducted the water away from the baby's face and down away from his back. Jace grinned when I handed it to him.
"Are you tryin' to brainwash this kid or what?" he said, smirking slightly.
"Well, his father is a firefighter. It's sort of a given," I said, handing him a little cup so he could wet Finn's hair.
"Right. Do you want more kids, Cook?" he asked as he poured some water on top of Finn's head and added a squirt of baby shampoo.
"Yeah, I'd like another baby someday before Finn gets too much older. I don't want to have too many years between them and I'm not getting any younger myself," I said.
"So why not do it now?" he asked as he rinsed the soap out of Finn's hair.
"Timing...and money, mostly. We just started building a new house outside the city, so even with Matt's promotion to Captain, it would be tight," I said, wistfully.
"You must make a substantial salary as a Department Head. The two combined isn't enough?" he asked.
"See, the thing is that I told Matt that I wanted to quit my job and be a stay at home Mom with the next baby. I feel like I've missed a lot of Finn's life being a working mother, but we can't possibly swing a new mortgage, a car payment, student loans and two kids on one salary, even a Captain's salary. The cost of living is pretty high in this city," I said.
"Do you want another boy or a girl next time?"
"A girl, I think. Matt's got his little carbon copy. I'd like one too."
"You already got that, Cook. Harper is the spittin' image of you," he said, his voice trailing off again. Before I could think of an answer, he lifted Finn out of his bath seat. "He's all clean, Momma," he said, holding a dripping Finn over the tub. I wrapped a big bath towel around him, gathered him up in my arms and carried him back to his room to get him ready for bed. I brushed his hair and dressed him in his favorite summer pajamas. I held Finn in my arms and sat down in the rocking chair that was in the corner of his room.
"I can rock him to sleep, Cook, if you've got other things to do," said Jace, looking down at me. There was a longing in his eyes, almost as if he were desperate to feel like he was a father. Maybe it was something he needed to prove to himself or me, perhaps. I wasn't sure.
"I'd let you do the honors, but Finn still nurses before he goes to bed, so unless you can grow boobs in the next thirty seconds, I've got this one," I said, grinning. Jace smiled back at me. I felt my heart unexpectedly skip a beat as he looked at me. The more memories that came back to me, the more I felt connected to him and that unnerved me. I felt slightly self-conscious as he watched me pull up my t-shirt and expose my breast. Finn immediately latched on and sprawled out across my lap. I held onto him, rocking the chair gently as he nuzzled into my breast. Jace sat himself down on the floor in front of us, watching us intently as I began to sing the bedtime song that was Finn's favorite.
"The man in the moon is a lady...a lady with lipstick and curls…
"The cow that jumped over said 'jumpin' Jehova! I guess she's just one of the girls…
"She winks at the stars from her bed of cream cheese…
"That isn't a nightgown, it's a satin chemise…
"Her friends art the stars and the planets…
"She sends the Big Dipper a kiss…
"So remember her gender, don't ever offend her…
"Cos the man in the moon is a miss…"
I looked down at Finn, who was now fast asleep, then at Jace. His eyes were red and wet with tears. "Works every time. You wanna put him down?" I whispered. My heart was hurting for him for never having experienced moments like this in his life. He wiped his eyes and nodded, then slowly stood up and gently took Finn from my arms. He kissed the top of Finn's head, laid him down in his crib and covered him with the blanket that hung on the rail. "Goodnight, Pardner. Sweet dreams," he said. I turned on the night light and the baby monitor and grabbed the receiver before we tiptoed out of the room.
"That was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," said Jace, standing in the hallway outside of Finn's room, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. Instinctively, I put my arms around him and hugged him tightly. He held me close, pressing the side of my face into his chest.
"Where'd you learn that lullaby, Cookie?"
"It's one my mother used to sing to me when I was little," I said, wiping a few of my own tears away as I lifted my head off of Jace's chest.
"Are you hungry?" I said, patting his hand and changing the subject.
"Starvin'," he replied, as he followed me down the stairs and into the kitchen. I took a pan of baked beans and a skillet of cornbread out of the oven and set them on the counter. "If you'll take these and put them on the dining room table, I'll get the ribs out of the crock pot," I said, handing him two potholders. Jace took the dishes out to the dining room while I put the ribs on a platter.
"Everything smells amazin', Cookie," he said, as I put the platter of ribs on the table. "What would you like to drink? I've got red and white wine, diet soda, water. Matt has a few beers left, but they're IPA's, not Guinness," I said.
"Red wine, please. I can't do those lightweight beers," he said, smirking slightly. I returned to the kitchen and poured two glasses of Pinot Noir and brought them into the dining room along with the platter of ribs. We both loaded up our plates and ate in relative silence until Jace spoke.
"Dinner was delicious. You're still a hell of a cook, Cook," he said, giving me a wink at his play on words.
"Thanks. I've got dessert whenever you're ready. Sweet potato pie," I said, as I began to clear the dishes.
"You used to make that for me all the time," he said. "It's one of my favorites. Is that something else you remembered?"
"To be honest, no. I just thought it went well with dinner, but I'm glad it's something you love," I said. "Why don't you get those photo albums while I clean up the kitchen. It won't take but a few minutes," I said. Jace helped me clear the rest of the dishes from the table and load the dishwasher. When we were finished, Jace retrieved the two bags full of photo albums from the entry hall and arranged them on the dining room table.
"I'm ready when you are, Cookie," he said.
