The sounds of the nearby shipyard coming to life woke Spot from a dreamless sleep. He crossed his arms under his head and stared up at the ceiling, listening to Tay's quiet, even breathing as she lay with her back turned towards him.
Spot knew she was awake. It was the way she held her body rigid as she avoided touching him. At night it was a different story. The nightmares would take hold of her and she would reach out, unknowingly. Those were the nights he would awaken to find her arm draped across his chest or feel her hand clinging to his. He never failed to see the irony of knowing he caused her nightmares but he was also the one she turned to for comfort. But he knew that, more often than not, he could no longer relieve her pain. He only caused her more.
Spot reached over and ran his hand over Tay's tangled braid and pulled the blue ribbon loose. He wrapped it around his fingers as he thought about the upcoming day.
"Why did you lie to me about Kieran?"
Fuck. Spot let go of the ribbon and Tay quickly twisted around to face him. Spot avoided looking at her, choosing instead to search through his pockets until he found a battered cigarette. He lit it and took a drag before offering it to Tay. She pushed his hand away.
There had been a number of lies he'd told her about her brother. It was a loaded question and he had no idea which lie she was referring to. All he knew was that Kieran was the last person he wanted to talk about. But he had been the one stupid enough to open that door in the first place.
"I told you to ask Higgins."
"I did," Tay said sharply. "He said he had nothing to do with it. He wasn't even there that night."
"And you believe him?"
"I believe him over you."
Spot blew a stream of smoke up toward the ceiling and watched it lazily. "Why are you bringing this up now? It don't matter anymore. It's over."
"You ever gonna tell me what really happened to him?"
Spot sighed. "You know what happened, Tay."
"I know he's dead. I know you was there. Just tell me," Tay pleaded.
"Some other time maybe." He'd only just managed to draw her back to him and there she was basically asking him to send her straight over the edge.
"I am so sick of both of you," Tay grumbled as she sat up and leaned her back against the worn metal bed frame. Spot knew exactly what would happen if he told her the truth about her brother. It wasn't a risk he wanted to take.
"Race told me somethin' and it's been botherin' me ever since. He said you woulda done it even if I had never asked you to. Is it true?"
"You know what your problem is? You can't let go of the past. How the hell am I supposed to know what woulda happened if things was different? I can't change anything now."
"But would you?"
"No."
The conversation was on the brink of going way too far and he debated between ending it or just letting her finally discover what he'd hidden from her all that time. The same frustration he felt was visible in Tay's eyes as they sat inches from one another.
"He never woulda let you treat me like this," Tay said scornfully. "Bet he never figured the person I'd need the most protection from would be you."
"Enough, Tay," Spot snapped. "Unless you want to talk about why you came to me instead of him."
"Don't you dare." Her face was pained but Spot felt no sympathy. He had given her plenty of time to change her mind and break the deal they had agreed to. When Tay stuck to her decision Spot realized she had a darkness about her that matched his own. It was her inability to give up on trying to maintain some semblance of goodness that frustrated him.
"Maybe the problem is you're the only one stupid enough to stick around no matter what I do." It was just another attempt to hurt her. And from the look on her face he could tell his comment had hit the mark.
"You know what I realized? That you been settin' me up to fail since we met."
"Like I got time for that shit," Spot told her dismissively.
"You never wanted me to make it without you. You scared off everyone 'cause you want to have someone to torture. I bet you're happy Kieran got killed. All of this that you're so fuckin' proud of woulda never happened otherwise."
"I told you that's enough," Spot warned.
"It's true, ain't it? You always hated each other."
"No," Spot answered. "I didn't have nothing to do with him dying and you know it."
"Tell me the truth."
"Anna."
"Don't." Tay shoved his arm away as he reached for her hand.
Spot leaned back next to her and closed his eyes. Two years worth of silence and hiding and lying awake at night hoping that day would never arrive. He had done so much harm to her in those two years. He lied to himself and said it was for her protection. It was all about to tumble down around them both.
"He sold you, Anna." Spot's voice was raw when he finally spoke.
Tay sat perfectly still. "What?"
"Kieran sold you. Well, he tried," Spot explained slowly. "I didn't lie about the money. He owed a few people. Rook was one of them."
"He wouldn't have done that," Tay said weakly. "You're just lying again."
"I know you got no reason to believe me, but it's true. Ask Race. He's the only one I ever told the whole story to," Spot explained.
"What's the whole story?"
"You don't need…"
"What is the whole story, Liam?" Tay asked softly.
"You knew how he was kind of like Race?" He paused until Tay nodded once and continued, "He started gettin' in over his head. Playin' in bigger games and owing more and more. He and Rook got into it a couple of times over Kieran borrowin' money all the time but the warnings didn't take. There are places where they pay good money for girls. The younger the girl, the more…that don't matter. You gotta know he was drunk. He weren't in his right mind. Kieran went to Rook with the idea and they started arguing over how much you was worth…"
"Stop," Tay pleaded. "Stop talking."
She folded her arms over her stomach and gasped for air. Spot wrapped his arms around her and continued to hold her even as Tay's anger and frustration and turned her savage. She tried twisting away from him, clawing and kicking as she cursed and screamed into his shoulder, finally breaking down into tears.
The pale moonlight shone through the small, grimy window and illuminated the small room where Spot sat with his head in his hands as he struggled to control his emotions. It had been two weeks since Tay had said a word to him. Spot would have told anyone who bothered to listen that it didn't matter in the slightest if she talked to him or not. But that would have meant Spot would have to admit he thought about it at all and that was just not a possibility.
She had cornered him and he was still trying to get over the fact that he'd let slip the secret he'd planned on keeping from her forever. A small voice inside told him that was just another lie. The problem was that telling her had not had the result he'd planned on. Spot figured that Tay finding out what Kieran had done would cause her to turn to him more than ever before. In reality Tay retreated within herself and had cut off contact with Spot.
The smell of food hung in the air as the newsies outside rummaged through the spoils of their earlier raid at Wallabout. A knock at the door surprised him and he expected to see one of the boys offering up some kind of leftovers. Instead, Tay stood outside the door as he opened it. He simply moved to one side and allowed her to come in.
"You need somethin'?" he asked as he closed the door behind her.
There was no answer. Tay gathered the front of his shirt in her fist and pulled Spot to her. Each kiss was angry and violent as Tay clung to him. He swore he could taste the bitterness on her tongue. Her fingers dug into his flesh and he felt her skin bruise from the force with which he held her. Spot only briefly attempted to contain the longing he felt as her body rose and fell underneath him.
There was no back and forth. For once, he let her frustration and hurt wash over him without worrying about control or who had the upper hand. It was the only way he felt he could take responsibility for what he had done, for the chaos he had created within her.
Later, when the storm had passed, Spot reached down and ran the tips of his fingers over the scar on her back. It had come from the broken glass of the basement window where they'd spent their first night together. The rush of emotions from earlier had played out and he felt exhausted.
"I'm sorry." The words left a bitter taste in his mouth. Tay didn't say anything as she swallowed his lies without hesitation. "Want to tell me what this was all about?"
Tay lifted her hand and fingered the key that lay on his chest. "I don't want to talk, Spot."
"We don't have to talk right now, but you're gonna have to sometime."
Spot had always told himself Tay was never meant to survive the things he did to her. But he had never expected this kind of trauma. He was a fool.
He took hold of her wrist and placed his hand over the angry red scars that lined her arm. "My ma drowned herself. Put stones in her pockets. Guess she thought it'd keep her down or somethin'. Didn't work. They found her body washed up near Red Hook." Spot tried to keep his voice light, as though he was commenting on the weather.
Tay sat up and reached down to the bottom of the bed for his shirt which she pulled up over herself. She gazed at Spot for a long moment. "I'm sorry."
He rebelled against the sound of pity in her voice. Tay's ability to draw out his vulnerabilities had always been something Spot struggled with. "It was a long time ago. It's over."
Spot reached out and ran his hand over her hair, catching his fingers in the tangles. It was a mistake. He felt Tay's body stiffen the moment he touched her and dropped his hand back down by his side. The moment for tenderness had clearly passed.
Tay twisted the shirt material around her fingers. "Why didn't you tell me about my brother before?"
"'Cause that wasn't somethin' you needed to know about him."
Spot propped the pillow under his head and Tay switched positions so that she was kneeling on the bed alongside him.
"Tell me again. About that night," Tay requested.
"No."
"How did you find out that's what they fought about?" Her voice was quiet but needy and Spot began to feel a spark of annoyance grow inside his chest.
"Askin' it different ain't gonna make me tell you," Spot explained shortly. The blanket ripped as he tugged at it irritably.
Tay had learned to recognize his sharp change in moods and there were a few moments of silence. The mattress jostled slightly as Tay laid down next to Spot and he realized she was being careful not to touch him.
Spot let out a string of curse words under his breath. "I was there, okay?"
For a moment he thought she was going back to giving him the silent treatment before he heard her respond. "Okay."
It wasn't over yet. Spot stared up into the dark and waited.
"Why didn't you do the same thing? Why didn't you try and sell me?"
It was the perfect opportunity but Spot could not get the words out. He wasn't sure he wanted to explain it even if he could. So he fell back on old habits.
"Are you sayin' you think I didn't try? Maybe nobody wanted you."
"Nobody does." Tay's voice was icy. It was not the response he thought he'd hear from her. He opened his mouth to refute her but Tay cut in. "I thought if I could just get out from under you, I'd have a chance. But all I am is one of Spot Conlon's girls. It don't matter where I go, all I got is sellin' papes and you. I don't fit in anywhere. I hate it. I hate you."
Tay's voice broke on the last word and he heard her muffled crying as she faced away from him. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her against him gently. Eventually her tears subsided and he lay awake for the rest of the night, listening to her deep, vulnerable breathing.
