Emma

Killian glared at Neil and frowned at me, flummoxed and probably concluding the wrong thing.

I ran up to my husband and placed my palms on his chest and said soothingly, "Killian. This was not what it probably looked like. Trust me."

His eyes tightened and his jaw appeared rigid as if he was grinding his teeth together. "What in the bloody hell is going on?" he asked me in a flat tone. He cut another glower at Neil who I assumed was behind me.

I glanced back at Neil, who seemed stunned and proud at the same time.

I held up my palm in front of both of them. "I did not kiss him back," I replied softly and reassuringly, as I implored Killian with my eyes.

Killian didn't reply but he was glowering at Neil like he might hit him. "You stay the hell away from my wife." He jabbed his forefinger at Neil with menacing eyes. The tension in the air crackled.

Neil replied evenly, "I'm afraid it's not that simple. I'm sure you're aware of that."

Killian grabbed Neil's shirt with both fists and jerked him towards himself. "It will be that simple. Stay the hell away from my wife." He growled.

I sighed and eyed Neil warningly not to engage and provoke my husband. I held up my palms. "Calm down, both of you." I held Killian's arm gently enough to remind him that this was not the way to resolve this. "We're attracting attention." I whispered to Killian. "I will explain, but you know now that I didn't engage in anything with him. He stole the kiss you saw."

Killian's icy eyes shifted to me, struggling to believe me. I could see the worry in them. "I saw it and I saw him trying to touch you." He turned to Neil, who he still held his shirt in his grip. "You know Emma is a married woman now."

I looked back at Neil warningly and caught a glimpse of a man wearing a button up polo shirt and staring at us threateningly as if he might walk over here to stop us.

I said pleadingly, "Killian please, the manager is watching you two. Let's at least take this outside." I gently pulled Killian's arm towards me. I glared at Neil. "And you. You know we need your help but you know I said no. This won't happen again," I said firmly.

Killian's teeth were barred. He shoved Neil back and let him go and dropped his hands. I slid my hand into his and laced my fingers in his, but his hand was sweaty and hard, not taking my hand in return.

Killian pointed at Neil. "Damn right it's not going to happen again. Next time, you will receive more than just a wrinkled shirt."

I held out my hands between them and faced Killian and whispered, "You have nothing to worry about. I will fill you in on what he told me." I turned and looked at Neil. "We will talk to you tomorrow. I think you should go."

Killian was breathing hard. He retorted, "Like hell we will." He faced me, his expression drenched with both confusion and fear.

Neil said calmly, "Emma knows different. You both need me." He passed us and quickly pushed through the doorway and strode down the sidewalk, out of sight.

My husband's eyes were tortured and slightly teary. "What the devil is going on, Emma?" he asked under his breath.

"Nothing," I said slowly and assertively. "You know I would never do anything remotely close to cheating on you." I drilled my eyes into his, confident in my promise.

He winced and shook his head as he glanced around us. People were squeezing past us. We were blocking the entrance foyer of the bar, but no one bothered to say anything to us. The manager had disappeared, probably relieved that a fight wouldn't break out inside of The Lumberyard.

"That isn't what I saw, Emma." He said rationally.

I flinched and tossed up my hands, "What you saw was my ex hitting on me unsuccessfully. You should not feel threatened. Regardless of his advances, I don't want him. You know that."

He stared at me, hurt and apprehensive. He gazed at me pensively and said, "He was bloody reaching across the table and touching you. My wife." He paused and looked away. I could sense he was trying to gain control of himself again.

"Look, Killian, there is no reason to be jealous of him." I reached for him and whispered, "I told him no more than once. He was showing me how we are going to get back to the future."

He jerked his head back to me, his eyes blazing. "I'm sorry Love, but I won't have you around him. Not after he tried to steal you away from me."

I hardened my face, bewildered. "Killian, I have only once known you to be irrational. And that was when we were in Hell. You have to believe me. My words are true. And like it or not, even I don't but we need him to get home. Gold sent him and I think Gold knows what he was doing all along. Neil helping us to open the portal tomorrow night is the only way we are getting back to Storybrooke."

He shook his head. "Then we can find another bloody way. I won't have him near you. I don't bloody trust him."

I closed my eyes and exhaled, trying to remain collected and rational. "I understand the way you feel. I know you're rightfully intimidated by Neil, but I am trying to make you see that I don't love him."

He looked at me in shock, clearly not liking my response. He clenched his jaw and turned to walk out the entrance door. I blinked my eyes rapidly, surprised he just walked outside without any further preamble or words. I stood there, stumped as the door closed and waited. He didn't come back in to engage me to follow him like usual. I sighed and rolled my eyes as I followed him, pushing my way through the door, nearly running into a couple on my way. Killian was marching down the street, towards my yellow bug.

"Killian, wait," I exclaimed.

He stopped and looked upward, clearly aggravated.

I hurried to him and reached out to touch his hand. I turned him to me and begged with my gaze to soften up. His expression was hard and a little withdrawn.

I said softly, "Please don't feel this way. There is nothing going on. I feel nothing for him."

He tilted his head sideways as if begging me to stop lying, but I wasn't. I didn't love Neil anymore. I said evenly, "Neil is desperate. He knows the way home and we need him to open up this portal tomorrow at 8:15. He told me Gold is using him and me to do this and Gold is behind everything. As usual."

His eyes shrunk in astonishment. "Of course he is. But I can't work with him knowing he's after you and got bloody close to you."

"Killian you know I have never cheated and never will."

He shrugged. "I don't want to work with someone I don't trust. And not to be selfish but this is not worth it to me. When all I am refraining from doing is bloody beating the hell out of him from what he did. Do you know how it is to see him touching you?"

I frowned. "Yes, I can imagine. But working with him is only to get home. It's either that or we stay here." I threw my hands in the air. "In the past. It's our only option."

"And what is the option? How do we open this portal with him?"

I stared at him, not wanting to respond. It was like he had a gut feeling about this part. I said reluctantly, "I know you won't like it. It's from two pendant's that used to be mine when we were together." I paused, knowing this sounded ridiculous and nearly called me a liar that there was nothing to worry about. "His and mine."

He sighed sharply. He rubbed his eyes with his fingers of his hand. He shook his head and said shortly, "Of course. How convenient for him."

"Killian, please. Stop." I said in a hushed voice as if speaking to Hope.

I squeezed his hand reassuringly.

He stared at me in wonder and astonishment. "Do you expect me to trust him? And this ritual?"

I cautioned him with my eyes. "Look, I'm tired of arguing over nothing." I paused, as his face went from defensive to worry. I continued rationally, "I told you that you have nothing to worry about, just because he and I share some stupid, questionable magic and a past and a son. But that's it. I'm telling you now, believe me. I don't want to argue anymore. And I won't." I gave him my most earnest warning look.

"You must see this from my point of view." he said under his breath as he gave me a withering look.

"I do. But you don't have to trust him. You have to trust me."

His eyes were soft and troubled. "I am not trying to argue with you. I am saying that regardless if he is trying to help us and he is they key back home, all I want to bloody do is hit him."

I just stared at him blankly. I couldn't blame his strong emotion. I knew he had it in him to hit Neil. I was actually surprised that he hadn't punched Neil.

It occurred to me that we shouldn't stand outside idly. I hurried to my bug and quickly unlocked the door with my key and unlocked his side. I watched him climb inside as I closed my door and started the engine. I looked at him again as I scanned the sky and all around us as I pulled out after a vehicle on the road, headed back to our apartment.

We didn't speak for a couple minutes.

Killian said in resignation, "It isn't that I don't trust you Emma." He looked at me until I glanced back at him as I drove. He looked so vulnerable. I felt uncomfortable about what had occurred with Neil, but I also felt like Killian wasn't over it. I understood it was difficult for him to witness what he did. I wasn't thrilled with Neil at all either, regardless that I was pleased that he was alive.

I replied nonchalantly, "We have a lot to do to focus on to ensure we get home." I looked at him and then back at the stop light we were idle at. I filled him in with the synopsis of what we had to do. I even gave details on the pendants.

He bit his lower lip and glanced out his window, perhaps so that I couldn't see his expression. "Hmmm." He responded sarcastically. "Bloody convenient for him."

I let out a long sigh, not engaging. "It's Gold that is behind ensuring his son's fate. He must have found a way that these pendant's and my power or whatever will bring Neil home to him."

He arched an eyebrow and nodded slowly, clearly still jealous and sardonic about it. "And because you care for him still."

My heart pounded at his assumption. I didn't reply. My throat tightened and so did my hands on the steering wheel. I turned down our apartment's street and pulled over to park in front of it.

Killian added huskily, "Do you care for him?"

I turned off the ignition and pulled out the key as I faced him. His expression was worried and vexed. "This isn't about that. This is about getting home. And he's Henry's father."

"But do you?" he pursued with blazing eyes.

I looked forward, keeping my eyes on the sky and our surroundings. I didn't see anything out of the ordinary. "You aren't going to drop this are you?" I deliberated as his face fell and his eyes dimmed. I added softly, "I care for him as a friend."

He averted his eyes and sighed heavily. He murmured, "I know you do care for him. You still have feelings for him. It's what Gold is bloody betting on." He said rather loudly.

I blinked my eyes and held my lips together so that any words wouldn't escape them. I didn't want to fight with him. I looked at him in wonder and amazement. I quickly pushed my car door open and said, "Believe what you want, Killian. But you're the one who has me." I quickly got out of my car and slammed the door, at my wits end of arguing over something stupid like Neil. I didn't like Neil in that way, but I cared for him. I couldn't explain it any further with my husband so I marched quickly towards our apartment entrance. I heard his passenger side door open and close, followed by his rapid footsteps towards me.

"Emma wait," he said.

"I've got to tend to Hope. I'm sick of this." I retorted, my eyes burning at the shock of my words and the cold tone in them.

He touched my arm as he fell into step with me. I didn't stop walking. I reached the elevator in the lobby full of potted plants and cushioned chairs. I jabbed the button of our floor with my finger and folded my arms.

He held onto my arm. He said, "I didn't mean to upset you. I am just concerned."

I stepped into the elevator and folded my arms. He stood in front of me. The elevator doors closed leaving us alone. I slid him a guarded, perturbed look and then looked back at the doors as we moved upward. I was grateful that the hell demon didn't come for us, although I my stomach tightened in fear. I looked at Killian again.

"You don't trust me, that's the problem," I said rationally. I tilted my head to the side.

His mouth formed a grim line. "I do." He swallowed hard. He was lying. I let out a short breath and shook my head as I veered around him and headed towards the apartment down the hallway. He followed me. He touched my arm and then held it in his hand before I unlocked our apartment door.

"Please don't do that, Emma," he whispered desperately. His eyes were tortured with emotion. I glanced at our door, remembering that our family could hear our persistent argument.

I clenched my jaw and said, "You don't trust me. You forget that you shouldn't bother lying to me."

His eyes were despondent and his frown nearly broke my heart but I lifted my chin and said, "Look I'm going to stay with Hope in my old apartment. I've told you not to make a big deal about this but clearly it is."

"Emma…" he said under his breath.

I gave him a final look and whispered, "The damage is done. I told you I was done arguing and you made this into something bigger than it is. I am just as angry at Neil for kissing me, but you wouldn't listen to me. If you don't trust me then we have a bigger problem than getting home to the future." I turned and went inside and cleared my expression to seem bored and tired and not amused. I concealed that anything was wrong with my husband and I. I sensed Killian followed in with me. He didn't say anything to anyone. He went inside our bedroom.

I smiled casually at my Mom who was holding Hope next to Dad on the sofa. They were sitting on the sofa, listening to music, form my guess, form the computer. Henry was sitting there still. He had the song The Flame by Cheaptrick playing, and it sounded like it was playing on repeat. Perhaps Henry had it on for personal reasons, I didn't know and would have to ask him later. Perhaps he missed Violet. This kid had good taste in music. The Flame was one of my favorite songs from 1988. But what was the worst feeling was that it made me truly sad. The pit of my stomach felt like someone dropped a boulder into it at the angst in the lyrics.

My eyes pricked but I blinked away the tears. I heard Killian close the door gently behind him. He stayed in the bedroom, so I gathered that he was not going to pursue me sleeping elsewhere tonight.

"Emma, what's wrong?" Snow asked with a concerned motherly expression.

Dammit. She sensed my dour mood. I walked towards her and looked down at my baby and smiled. I shook my head at her baby beauty. "So peaceful," I said softly.

Snow was staring expectantly at me. "What happened?" she asked as if not buying my topic change.

"Neil," I said. "It was an intense meeting."

"And?" Henry asked, a smile on his face as he turned his body towards me.

I looked around for Regina. "Where's your other Mom?" I asked Henry.

He seemed perplexed. "She went to bed. She was bored. So what happened?"

"Well she won't be bored much longer," I said. I told them what had happened, but I left out the argument I had with Killian.

Snow nodded knowingly. "So Hook's offended," she whispered with certainty.

I looked at her questioningly.

"Dad kissed you…?" Henry said in surprise. I had totally forgotten how he would view the incident, being our son. I was used to treating him as part of our team, and not a child. I looked at him apologetically. I didn't want it to hurt his feelings how I felt, which was I didn't want Neil back.

I pressed my lips together and nodded gravely. "I didn't kiss him back though."

Henry shifted his eyes towards my bedroom door and then back at me, and then back at the computer screen.

Snow looked at me morosely. "Emma I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked as I reached to pick up my daughter. I cradled her warm, light body to me, filled with joy and love and peace again. "There's nothing like a therapy baby." I whispered as I held her head to my chest.

Snow replied, "That you two are fighting,"

"How do you know that?" I whispered.

Henry wasn't looking at me, so I assumed he didn't want to know this. The song restarted from the beginning.

Snow cocked her head to the side and said, "I know relationships. And I know Hook well. He looked troubled. He doesn't always hide his feelings well."

David stared at me and then lifted his eyebrows and looked at Snow. "Well at least we have a way home. There's not much we can research otherwise on Google." He pointed his thumb towards the computer.

Henry rose and came to me. "Mom, can I go see Dad?"

I tightened my lips. "I'll ponder that."

He furrowed his brow. "Mom. He might be after you in that way and making you uncomfortable but he's my Dad. Can't I at least have his number? I want to see him."

I couldn't deny Henry seeing his Dad. "You guys need to stay indoors though. In iron doors."

"See? Dad's helping us already," Henry replied enthusiastically.

"Sure he is, Kid." I nodded once and fished my cellphone out of my pocket. With my free hand I opened the screen and found a text message from Neil. I opened the message.

It read: I know I upset Hook. I didn't mean to upset you. But my offer will always stand, as long as I'm alive. Change your mind, let me know.

"Really?" I said under my breath.

I looked at the phone screen, irritated, and then arched my eyebrow at Mom. I looked at Henry and said, "Grab your phone. I'll give it to you."

Henry excitedly dashed for his phone on the desk next to the computer. I told him Neil's number and then carried Hope to her carrier seat and placed her inside of it gingerly. I kissed her forehead and replied to Neil:

And my answer still stands. Sorry Neil. Come by if you want to get Henry, but only for him. I'm unavailable tonight.

"Henry, I told him to come get you." I said to Henry. I ticked my eyes at Snow who gazed at me with a sad smile.

Henry was grinning. "This means the world to me, Mom. Thanks." He hugged me and then crossed the room to grab his coat.

Neil texted back: If things change then. And thank you. I would love to see our son. Text me your address.

I texted him the details and then set my phone on the counter. "You guys had pizza, huh? Cheese lovers?" I said, trying to lighten the tension, especially that I felt inside.

"Yes, although Regina was rather unhappy that they don't have Cauliflower pizza yet. I made her some from scratch," said Snow.

I picked up a slice and bit into it. "I need to speak to Regina about Robin. He's alive."

"He is?!" Henry asked. "Yes!" His grin widened.

I nodded and went to the fridge to look for some beer but then remembered I couldn't have any. "Guess I'll settle for root beer," I said aloud and picked up a a bottle of it and cracked it open. "Need something stronger though."

Snow followed me in the kitchen and whispered, "Honey, you should talk to Hook."

I took a swig of my soda and held it as I gazed at her. "Mom, I really don't want to talk about him."

She smiled at me reassuringly. "I think it's worth it, Emma. Don't let the sun go down on your anger. It's the best wisdom I can impart on you about marriage. Which isn't always sunshine and pink flowers."

I took another bite of my pizza and set down my soda. I said quietly, "He doesn't trust me Mom. No matter what I say to him, he thinks I love Neil still."

She shrugged and said, "Tell him that." She started to make me hot cocoa out of a hot cocoa packet. She fished the whipped cream out of the fridge.

"I did. He won't believe me. He wants me to stay away from Neil. Even tomorrow for the ritual. But it's impossible."

"And I think Gold made it this way. He found some power that pertains to you and his son. That's Gold. Finding loopholes, especially with this sack of death. I wouldn't be shocked if Gold wants you two together. He never liked Killian."

"Well, Neil is very persistent. He doesn't have any integrity when it comes to this. I told him I'm married and that I'm not interested. He was a thief so trying to steal someone's wife doesn't exactly stun me."

Snow smiled and shook her head like it didn't matter as she mixed my cocoa into a mug. "Emma, he's hoping that you two end your marriage. Which you don't want to help him do." She whispered, but it sounded to me like she had been through this. She looked at me pointedly.

"I know all of that. But I can't stand that panic in Killian's eyes. He looks at me like I'm lying to him. That I have feelings for Neil. I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me." I whispered. I felt myself tear up when I said that.

She analyzed me carefully and didn't say anything, which made me weigh my words. "I don't mean I can't be with him," I muttered. "I just don't know how to change if Kilian believes what I say. That's what matters to me. His trust."

She set hot cocoa in front of me and whispered, "I think that he wants to believe you. Which has potential." Her gaze flickered to the living room. I had heard a knock on the door. I stood in the entryway to the kitchen. Henry was beaming as he opened the front door, revealing Neil, who's gaze locked on mine. I looked away and said firmly, "Bring Henry back in two hours."

Neil's gaze lingered on mine, but I tore my eyes away.

"Thank you, Emma," Neil said tenderly.

I didn't react to Neil. I picked up my hot cocoa and sipped it and looked away.

Henry said to me animatedly, "Bye Mom. I promise to text you."

"Every half hour," I reaffirmed to my son, who nodded.

"Anything you say," Henry said joyously as he closed the apartment door behind himself.

I watched the bedroom door open, where Killian appeared. He looked at the front door and then over at me. HE still seemed miserable. I averted my eyes and picked up my half-eaten pizza slice from Dominos. I pretended to be busy eating, feeling tension growing like smog in the apartment.

"Did Henry go with his father?" Killian asked me solemnly.

Snow said, "That's my cue to get some rest." She went into her bedroom, David in tow. I frowned and nodded in response to Killian.

My husband shuffled towards me, seeming just as uncomfortable as I was. "So it appears that Neil is going to be a part of our lives from now on," he said rationally in a low voice.

I avoided his inquisitive eyes. I put down my pizza on my plate and finally locked eyes with him. "He's Henry's father and so he will be. It has nothing to do with me," I said just as coolly.

He stepped towards me and said softly, "If Henry weren't with him right now, I swear I would have gone out there and hit him. I thought about it. But I refrained because of Henry."

I winced. "Look. I respect that. I also appreciate that you didn't because that would break Henry's heart. But I need you to trust me." I held his eyes, which still appeared full of pain and fear.

I softened my eyes.

"So are you going to your old apartment tonight?" he asked.

I dropped my eyes down to my hot cocoa and played with the mug handle. I swiped the whipped cream and licked it off my finger. "That depends. Do you trust me, or not?"

He deliberated and replied coolly, "Do you still have feelings for him?" His mouth tightened when I didn't respond. In some ways I still did, but not like I wanted Neil. I had missed him when he died, and I did mourn his death. But I couldn't say no. I didn't believe in lying, even to spare feelings. Truth be told, I didn't know why I had any feelings left. Not that I would act on them. I didn't love Neil, so that to me, was the imperative thing

I sighed and slid my eyes away as I said, "He was my first love. But you are my only love, Killian."

"That doesn't answer my question," he said earnestly.

I pushed away the hot cocoa and felt a headache coming on. I thought about Neil kissing me. Had I felt anything? A Little bit. "I don't love him anymore. Yes, I still care about him. Do I want him? No."

"So you do have feelings for him then," he said dejectedly.

I stared at him, astonished that he didn't understand that I wouldn't ever leave him. I looked down at my wedding ring and said, "I chose to marry you. Our marriage is not threatened in the least. Unless you make it that way."

He looked away and glanced behind him to see if anyone was in the living area. Everyone was gone from there, so he turned to me and said, "Just answer the question Emma."

I shrugged and said, "Maybe a little yes. But that means literally nothing."

His eyes were glazed and full of deep sadness. He waited a few moments before he responded, "It does to me."

I held my breath and stared down at my ring before I said anything. I ensured my voice was collected, calm, and void of negative emotion. "I think you don't trust me. Yes, maybe I have very small feelings, residual even, but they are irrelevant. And I am telling you now that I do not want him back. You need to know that I need you to trust me. No matter how threatened you might feel."

He shook his head and looked away. He shifted his weight and sadly hung his head as he licked his lips. He didn't say anything.

My eyes watered. "You don't trust me. Is that it?"

His expression showed me all I needed to know. After a long, painful silence he said under his breath, "You have feelings for a man who isn't me."

"But I love you desperately," I said tenderly. "And I don't want these feelings I have. I won't ever entertain them. Trust me." It was true, I didn't want to feel anything for Neil. Sometimes you couldn't help what you felt. I didn't want to feel happy that he was alive, or still care for Neil. I remembered loving him, but mostly, he irritated me.

He stepped away like he would leave the kitchen. "I can't trust you if you still have feelings for him, Emma."

It was like my breath got knocked out of me. I reached for my phone and opened it and let him read it. "I have nothing to hide. I don't love him. I don't know what else to say to convince you that I love you and want this marriage, not him. Just because I still care about him, doesn't mean I want him. Read this." I placed my open phone in his hand.

He quickly read the text and snapped it closed and put it back on the table with a loud smack.

Hope started to grunt and whine. I closed my eyes and shook my head. "Killian we aren't getting anywhere, and that scares me. I just showed you my answer to Neil. What else do you want?"

He stared at me, his eyes miserable like he was in agony. He seemed frustrated too. He said in a controlled yet intense intonation, "I want him to stay far from you. I want you to say that you will honor that."

I flinched and let out a long breath. Hope's cries grew louder. I ran my hand over my hair and said, "Then we stay here. We can't go back in that case. It's as simple as that. But if you won't trust my word that you have nothing to worry about, nothing that will take me from you then…" I sighed.

"Then what?" he asked as he swallowed, obviously afraid of my response.

I tore my gaze from his and crossed the room over to our baby. I lifted her and hushed her as I bounced her in my arms. She started to calm down a little bit.

Hook was staring at me, baffled like I had hit him myself. He nodded once in denial and then acceptance. He said just above a whisper,"Perhaps I'll stay in your old apartment tonight." He turned and glanced at Hope as if he might burst into tears himself.

I frowned at him, stunned. I parted my lips to speak but was too shocked he would act like this. I could feel my lower lip trembling. I felt like saying a lot of things, but I remained controlled. I cuddled Hope to my chest and patted her back.

Killian strode over to me and instead of hugging me or kissing me like I wanted he touched Hope's head and kissed her forehead and then gave me a withering look before he quickly strode out of the apartment and closed the door. I didn't know how to stop him because he was determined. I realized that it bothered him too much that I cared about Neil. But I couldn't lie to him that I didn't have any feelings left. These residual feelings were ones that came out when I dreamt I was talking with Neil in my yellow Bug about Killian. I still remembered what it was like to tear up, like then, with feelings of regret and sadness, and of seeing him. Perhaps I was just mourning his death and that left me with traitor feelings, and now relieved, happy feelings now that he was alive; given another chance at life.

But how could I make Killian see this? How could I make him not feel so intimidated by just those simple, irrelevant feelings?

I felt my heart racing and my breath trapped in my lungs. I teared up and sniffled, unable to stop the tears. I looked down at Hope who was staring at me with wide blue eyes. She started to cough and cry. I whispered, "It's going to be alright."

I cuddled my face to hers and made my way to the reclining chair and sat back in it and rocked her, trying to soothe her and myself, realizing that our first huge marital fight was serious and our relationship nearly severely damaged, and I didn't know how to fix it, and that scared me that now my marriage was in peril.

Playlist –

The Flame – Cheap Trick

Torn to Pieces- Pop Evil

Someone You Loved – Lewis Capaldi

Hemorrhage (In My Hands) – Fuel

Far Away – Breaking Benjamin

It Is What It Is – Lifehouse

Dear Agony – Breaking Benjamin

Away From the Sun – 3 Doors Down

Unsteady – Ambassadors

Broken – Seether Ft. Amy Lee

Breathing – Lifehouse