AUTHOR UPDATE
No, I'm not cancelling "Falling Snow," so don't panic.
I had originally planned to release chapter 15 on Valentine's Day, but some events occurred over the last few days that have me emotionally unbalanced. I don't know how much to post here, but since I've overshared like crazy on this story, why break the trend now?
My boyfriend - well, ex-boyfriend now - tried to rape me.
Let's be very clear for anyone who may not get this first point: if you're having sex with someone, and your partner tells you to stop, and you continue anyway? You are committing a crime. Even if your partner had previously consented, she can withdraw that consent - in this case, because I realized that the conditions were such that I would face pain and possible injury if he continued.
Internet culture likes to use the phrase "triggered" as a term for "arbitrarily offended," or even just "annoyed and petty," but it has real psychological connotations of an involuntary burst of powerful emotion, one that overrides conscious thought. I had endured sexual assault before, and it took a long time for me to reclaim ownership of my sexuality. So when he ignored my demands for him to stop and shoved my arms down, it set off just pure, utter, violent panic.
Physically, I'm unharmed - well, I cracked a tooth biting the fuck out of him, but that can be treated - but emotionally, I'm profoundly shaken. I don't know what he had been thinking, but from where I'm standing, it looks like my physical and psychological well-being was less important to him than getting off. The conditions for that sort of sex need to be just right, and as it was, I'd had too much tension and not enough lubricant. Really, I just needed to take five to prepare to try again, but he wouldn't allow me that.
The thing about betrayal is that it comes from someone you trust.
Trusted.
All that talk of receiving a man's lust, of opening up to your lover, all of it is predicated on the fundamental premise that your partner can be trusted. That it's safe to allow him into your body and your heart. I don't know that enough men fully understand the significance of that sort of display of trust.
The reason that any of this has anything to do with "Falling Snow" is because, having my trust in someone that I had wanted to share myself with be utterly destroyed has also left me unable to even think of romance right now. I tried. Chapter 15 is about halfway done, but I just... couldn't. If I tried to force it out, the end result would be far too bitter, angry and hurt.
But I'm not cancelling this story.
I'm not cancelling it because I worked too damn hard asserting my agency over my body and my sexuality to let someone, anyone try and take that from me. I'm the snarky, unapologetically sexual, perhaps a little too crass, openly transgender woman who, more than anything else, is in love with love itself. I write stories about people coming together, of finding the best in themselves and each other in their joining. Those are the sorts of stories that I like to write, and to share with people.
So I hope you'll bear with me as I try and reclaim that optimistic hope in love that holds this story together. I hope it won't take very long.
-Mahina
