I'll Live


"Oh, since forever it seems."

Danny leaned back at my question, free hand waving off the easy answer. Relaxed and at ease. The place was pretty empty, with it being Sunday afternoon, not a regular time of eating and too early for other kids to be swarming it. We'd laid claim to the corner booth, a pile of what had been a large order of fries nearly gone between us. Then, suddenly, his mouth quirking up and blue eyes sparkling, he sat back up and leaned over the table, gesturing with his drink at me.

"Except Sam didn't like me at all back then. Heh. So," he began shortly before diving into it. Curious, I listened carefully and took a drink of my milkshake. As far as I remembered, Sam had always been protective of her friends and I couldn't recall a time she never stood up for Danny.

"Tucker and I have really been friends since forever. We can't remember when we met, that's a story for our parents to ramble on about. But anyway, I never really had any other friends except him for the longest time. Oh sure, I got along with everyone in that little kid way, you know? The only thing was, no one ever wanted to be more because inviting me over meant...my parents. And everyone knew my parents. Hard to miss when they come by and they were big about dropping off and picking Jazz and me up from school when we were little. Stories of them from Jazz's class trickled down about the few sleepovers she was invited to. And so...yeah. It wasn't bad. I had Tucker and everyone got along, so I was good with that. But there came to be third grade, the one time in elementary school Tucker and I weren't in the same classroom. He's the one who made friends with Sam and Buster. And we all started hanging out."

Startled at the name popping up, I blinked at him in surprise. "Buster?"

"Yeah, you remember him then?" I frowned, but nodded. Before I could think more about the name, Danny nodded back and continued, hands moving. "Yeah, so yeah, Sam was way more of a friend with Buster, got annoyed with me a lot of the time for saying stupid stuff like she looked like Snow White. Ah, it was a whole thing with her then, being commented on her looks more than who she was. Er, still is really. Her parents kind of...push for an overall kind of look and appearance that she really hates? But yeah, she more put up with me, and Tucker too, because Buster got along with us. Er, kind of with me? Since I annoyed Sam at times? But he was the first kid since Tucker who looked past my parents and hung out with me. Buster was the dude. Tucker's word. Of Buster being 'the dude'."

Everything made sense with what I saw and knew of them. I nodded, showing I was following along, but not voicing my question about Buster. In how Danny was talking, I don't think he knew or realized and it wasn't my place to say. Still, it seemed odd to me as I had assumed otherwise. More along the lines of a big falling out and thus—

"Buster moved before we started up middle school in sixth grade, so Sam just kind of stayed with us, but yeah. We're friends now, better friends maybe," he trailed off looking upwards and then shrugged. Huh. Well, that kind of answered that question of mine. Danny took a sip of his drink and continued. "Hung out, got along of sorts, growing a stronger friendship? I guess. Sam's kind of...hard for me to understand at times, bristly and stubborn. But um, about Sam... Sorry. Ever since the ghost stuff started up, she's been more...intense at times."

I blink. What is he apologizing for? About... Oh. I shrugged. "She's a good friend. No apologies are needed. I get it. She was trying to protect you."

"By slamming into you?" He shook his head. "No, no, I already yelled at her about that. It was too much. Um... So, to tell you the truth, she might freak out about us hanging out. Sam was pretty freaked about you possibly knowing and the whole device thing, kind of refusing to listen past what she already made up her mind about you. Even before the whole fruitloop thing. I'm not sure why she doesn't like you that much, but Sam's like that. Very...sure of her feelings about people and things. Like not liking Paulina or... Is that it? Because you and Paulina used to be friends as kids? Or did something happen with her?"

Blue eyes sparkling at the sudden realization, Danny had leaned forward on his side, those eyes beseeching me to speak and that he was all ears.

I was disappointed to realize I couldn't give him much.

"Not that I know. I think we only shared a few classes in middle school, none that I know of for high school. Maybe had a few class group projects together?"

Middle school kind of blended together in my mind. There were a few moments that stood out, but everything was mostly lumped together. I had more general than specifics. Without much meaning or emotion tied to anything...things kind of faded together. Same for high school too for the most part.

I bit my lip and then sucked at my milkshake.

Not so much lately though.

Danny's shoulders slumped. "Ah, shoot. There went that idea of why Sam's not a fan of you."

"I'd hope not. That'd probably hurt to become a fan."

Blue eyes blinked at me. "For her, yeah, it probably would..."

I pointed up at the ceiling. Glancing up, it took him a few seconds, but then a wide grin stretched across his face. "Ha! Okay, that's pretty bad and awesome. Fan. Not the worst we can come up with between us though I bet."

Rubbing at the edge of the booth table, I cautiously posed my question. "Sam doesn't know and has expressed being...against you remaining friends with me. Hasn't she?" Danny froze, his eyes coming back to stare at me, mouth stuttering. "Because I don't want to cause problems between you two. I wo—"

"That's Sam's problem," he cut in.

"Not mine," he stated.

"Or yours," he added.

"So she can just deal with it," he declared.

I stared at him. Flabbergasted. Danny was...he...

"I'm not worth it."

Bamboozled, blue eyes blinked at me. "What? Of course you're worth being friends with even if Sam gets all mad with me about it. That's part of being friends with her half the time anyway."

And then he grinned at me cheekily.

"She sounds like she gets mad because she's trying to protect you from things. Whether bullies, like Dash, or for anything ghost related." Frowning, I leaned back in my seat, upset about how he shrugged that off with an uncaring smile. "Sam lost her only good friend, having only you and Tucker she gets along with. She's bristly and stubborn, sure, but she's also fiercely protective of everything she cares and is passionate about. Anyone can see that. You shouldn't just shrug her and her friendship off like nothing. I'm not worth that."

Mouth gapping, Danny stared at me. "I... Yeah, I know Sam's a good friend and that's how she is, but... She's not right all the time like she thinks. I thought you'd get that Ashley. You're defending her? I mean, she slammed you into the ground! And has been terrible to you this whole time! You, you don't deserve that, even if Sam is coming from a good place and thinks she's right about acting horribly to you, she's not. She is a good friend. And once Sam gets done being mad at me, we'll still be friends, I'm not shrugging her off, I just know her and I know you. I don't know if Sam will let go of whatever reason she doesn't like you for and become friends with you, but she certainly will come to be okay with you and find how wrong she is about you."

He shook his head.

"You? I can't believe you just defended Sam."

Frowning, blinking, unsure of how to even touch the rest of what Danny said, I was left with bafflement with what I could. "Why? She's a good friend."

He blinked back at me, then a chuckle spurted out of him, shoulders shaking as he rubbed at his face. "Yeah. Yeah, she is."

"So..."

I trailed off, feeling a bit off attempting to continue my earlier words. And immediately discarded my unspoken suggestion of stopping our renewed friendship until Sam knew and was okay about it. The idea was not going to go over well with Danny. Sam probably would not be okay about it and offered an out. To Danny, an out from the being nice token outstretched hand of friendship. And the out to me from somehow agreeing to continuing the brief friendship to something longer, when I knew it wouldn't last because why would it last with me, so an out to allowing the entertained idea to actually happen and be all the more painful later on when it all ended. Except, this didn't seem to bother Danny. In fact, he was probably used to bouts of arguments due to and around Sam.

I swallowed, glancing away at feeling a bit of water in my eyes, his easy words ringing in my head.

'That's Sam's problem. Not mine. Or yours. So she can just deal with it.'

'Of course you're worth being friends with.'

'You, you don't deserve that.'

He's defending...me.

"I still." I cleared my throat, fiddling with my milkshake. "I still don't want to cause problems between you two."

"You're not," he quickly responded. Then, retracted that. "Well, yeah, I guess you are, but that's more of Sam being Sam than because of you. I can try talking to her about it... Er, maybe? It's been a while so she may not talk over me so much and listen. Tucker can back me up. With what kind of person you are from the two of you sharing the same bus for a couple years. He's trying to stay out of it a bit though. Er, from being a little uncertain on what exactly happened when Plasmius was overshadowing him..."

Oh no. My chest clenched. I gripped onto my milkshake, shifting in my seat. "Um, Danny?"

"Yeah, okay, talking is not the best way. Actions might be better? Yeah. Rather than trying to tell her... Make her hang out with you to see for herself? All of us hanging out. Sam would for sure come to keep an eye on you near me and then she'd see, er, well... It'd be a start."

I shrank back in the booth.

"Oh, would it?"

The words were filled with venom.

"Sam!"

His drink spilled from how fast he spun about, elbow knocking it over. Hurriedly, looking down and away from the problem I'd just caused, I busied myself with using napkins to clean up the drink. There wasn't much. Unfortunately. I double and triple swiped across the table, focused on working it dry to keep myself busy and to not look up. Right now, Sam was directing all her attention onto Danny and I didn't want to get dragged in, to cause more trouble to the issue. My stomach swooped. Because of me. My stomach clenched around the swooping sensation, making me feel ill.

"Hi! I was just—"

"Talking about me? Behind my back? Completely ignoring all my warnings? Hanging out with her anyway? And scheming up things together, thinking I'd be okay with it!"

Wide eyed, Danny shook his head. "Scheming? What? No! Sam, we weren't scheming! I was trying to think of a way you can see that you might be wrong about—"

"Wrong! Might be wrong! She was helping Vlad, Danny! Vlad! We talked about this!"

"You talked about this," came a mutter as Tucker slid into the booth beside me. I slide farther toward the corner and against the wall. He sighed, picking up one of the last of the fries, and ate it. Then glanced over to me. "Hey. Sorry about this. Sam's kind of...yeah. I kind of...spilled my guts when Sam sensed I was trying to distract her when she couldn't get a hold of Danny earlier. Got dragged around by her looking for him. And you. So...sorry. Danny told me about the picture thing. And Vlad, well, I mean, it's not like you know about him like we do about what he's like. Uh, if you agreed that is."

He looked back to Danny and Sam who were still arguing, very loudly. I looked up too. It didn't look to be stopping anytime soon. And I couldn't just slide out of the booth easily with Tucker next to me. Great. Good thing it was Sunday afternoon. Besides the workers, we were the only ones in here. I think that was the only good thing I could think of right now.

"Cold," Tucker grumbled to himself as he took another fry. "Sam's worked herself up about this with looking for the two of you the last hour. But Danny isn't going to let this go now that he apologized and you two are hanging out again. This is going to go on forever. With a few scraggly cold fries to eat. Did you?"

I looked back to him.

"Agree? I won't hold it against you, promise. Because I know your dad di—"

No. He thought he could dig into my family's medical records and use my dad against me, like I would then secretly help him in forming his own so-called medical records on Danny. Like he thought I'd forget he kidnapped Danny and me. Or thought that I was completely oblivious to my surroundings with him having spies set out on me. Or thought that I was not aware that it's illegal to see other people's records like that. Or how much an utter piece of shit he was and in how shitty his manipulations were in trying to use my own dad against me.

"Okay." Tucker shifted away from me. "Got it."

I blinked back, shook my head at realizing how my face had pinched and scowled.

"Sorry," I mumbled. "I wasn't glaring at you."

"Okay. I said I got it. A very simple 'no' would have worked. I uh, won't bring it up again?" He blinked, frowning, then clearing up, wide eyed. "Wait. So you didn't then? Because of your dad?"

I titled my head down for an affirmative.

"Huh." Tucker glanced back to the arguing pair. "Right. I'm ordering a burger and fries. A double burger of meeeat."

The sing song tone earned him Sam's attention, her head swiveling to him, glaring. Tucker grinned and slid out of the booth. I scooted along it, hoping to leave, letting Danny and Sam work it out rather than stick around causing more problems. Not to mention it was getting closer to the time I said I'd be home after the afterparty. I really should get going.

"Want a burger too, Sa—"

"No. And you're not going anywhere."

I froze from standing up from the booth. Odd. I would have thought she'd prefer me not here. It was not as though her and Danny's argument was close to over yet. I suppose Sam wanted to talk to me too. If it helped her...

I sat back down, eyeing my wristwatch for the time.

"Oh, sticking around? Don't worry," she snarked. "This won't take long. I don't like you, haven't since that bailed project, more so now. I really don't care for this going behind other people's backs."

Her eyes narrowed at me. I frowned, trying to think back to what she was talking about. Bailed project? Behind her, Danny's head perked up, looking hopeful at Sam.

"Next Friday, come to my house, we're all hanging out. Together. Since Danny is insisting."

"Yes!"

Danny cheered loudly behind her, blue eyes bright.

"You won't regret this Sam!"

"Wait." Tucker's face was one of shock. "You're inviting her to your place?"

This was odd. I stared at Sam, trying to figure out what she meant by this, what she was up to. There was dislike and defiance and determination all wrapped up on her. I'd gotten the idea she had been trying to protect Danny by dissuading him from us spending time together, after that night, me with that device. Which had worked with Danny rattled. Before he decided to be insane.

You too, my brain reminded me, piping up in the back of my head.

Perhaps she was attempting a new method or way to put a stop to Danny being insane.

You too.

I hesitated then.

Did I go and let her do whatever it was? It was a way out. To my speaking, my accidental agreement, encouragement, to this continuing. The shorter, the less it would hurt when Danny would...

"You're perfectly fine to bail and not show. Or actually show up if you deign it worth your time. It's completely up to you."

Bail. Bail again. My mind searched back, trying to figure out what she was referring to. It had to be a big project with how she was talking, but my mind was a blank as to what project, scrambling to pull up details or moments we'd shared classes together.

"Of course she's coming Sam! Ashley wouldn't bail out on someone. Even when told to." Danny shot me a grin. Then paused, smile fading, becoming uncertain. "Er, unless you already had somewhere to be Friday. Shoot, right. It's Thanksgiving coming up this week. You probably already have plans with family or something."

On Thursday. And not likely to drag on with family get together things as it was only the one side this year. Uncle Ji-Hun wasn't able to be back for Thanksgiving this year.

"Not as far as I know for Friday. I'll ask."

It'll either be a yes or no. My not being able to show would be used against me. My being able to show up had some sort of plan to show Danny his insanity for what it was. Yet...I had agreed to it. That insanity. Even if I...

Do I really push my asking to be able to hang out? Do I really try that hard to keep a friendship? There had been no point to either for years. And yet...I wanted to grasp onto that tiny kernel of selfish greed, despite knowing I was not worth it, and insist upon my asking permission to leave the house that day and throw my chips in with Danny. To not leave him hanging alone in his insanity.

Maybe... Maybe I was not worth much. But he was worth something. He deserved something. Even if I didn't. So, well. I'd...I'd try.

I left to Tucker's simple farewell and Danny's overexuberant one. The walk home was weird. For my breath caught somewhere up in my hopeful chest and attempted to seize a grasping hold within my throat, gripping tight as though to shake me out of the insanity of the hope and daring to have it.

Well.

I swallowed around that.

What will happen, will happen.


Can I just love and laugh on Ashley being Ashley? On her moment of standing up for Sam? In how she doesn't see it as Danny does, who is riled up on her behalf and trying to stand up for her. She is changing. A bit. Becoming a little more willing to fight to keep this friendship anyway. I am a little looking forward to the next chapter. A peek back to where Sam got her initial dislike (before the whole kidnapping, secret possibly out, mysterious devices with Vlad) with Ashley. And then...kind of smashing it. Sorry, Sam.
I'm so happy to see another follow and a couple favorites for Ashley. Even if Ashley herself would be completely baffled on why anyone would follow or favorite on her. And a big thank you to Luna Lillyth for reviewing!