Chapter Fifteen: Moving On
(Part 1)
Kai closed the entrance to the attic as he stepped down, lifting the steps from the bottom and shifting them in place until the opening blended in seamlessly with the ceiling. The pull-chain looked like a light switch from far off, and unless you yanked on it, one wouldn't know you could get into the attic that way.
"Would you like me to carry you the rest of the way down?"
Gou's face went hot. Daddy's boy or not, this was humiliating. Thank goodness Makoto was out cold. He'd surely be laughing at him.
"I'm not a baby anymore." Gou snipped, his body aching.
Kai mentally smirked to himself, and here he thought he was pridefully stubborn. But he'd comply, the father side yelling at his doctor side to stop.
"Right, down ya go then." Kai said, placing him on his feet. "I'll walk behind just in case though."
"Ok."
The two made the way down, and while they did, something hit Kai upside the head. His boy really wasn't a child anymore. In five years he'd legally be an adult, possibly out on his own. How had the time swept by?
Gou took his seat at the table, face lit up at the spread. They were having chili? Sweet!
Kai watched, unknowingly grinning from ear-to-ear, as Gou piled his bowl high. Guess this was something he really liked. As much as he thought he did, Kai truly didn't know his boy anymore. Not like he wanted to. His gut sank. Did Gou hate him deep down for all he did, put him through? He couldn't recall if he'd asked him that or even heard him say anything like that. In the frenzied blur all this felt to be, one thing remained constant. He was distant. Though he tried not to be.
"Kai?" Came Joe, holding out a bowl to him, cheese and chips atop the beans and meat. This meal never was the healthiest of things.
Kai waved his hand between them, shaking his head no as well. "Not now, I'll eat in a bit."
Joe watched him go up the steps, his mind still going in endless circles.
"He's still not relaxing, is he?" Joe said, more than asked, as he sat down to eat, feeling defeated.
Gou peered up from his half empty bowl and said, "Dad's never relaxed. What makes you think he'll start now?"
"Because most men his age do ease up."
"Well dad's not most men."
"You act like you know him."
"Let's just say I've learned some things."
Joe sent him a look that said he was completely done with the vague answers and beating around the bush. Or people treating him like he was stupid.
"You and your father, I swear."
"What?"
"What is it about the past that makes holding onto it so important? I understand that you both have had a lot of pain and that for you it is fairly recent. However, I don't get why you'd, namely your father, waste your life away holding onto then and what if's? It's something you can't change. Now is here, what's in front of you should be everything to you."
Joe may not have been kidnapped and tortured or enslaved as a child but even he had his fair share of pain that was hard to get over. Every human does.
"I wanna know him. Maybe in seeing who he was and how he changed, because clearly he did a lot, I can understand who I am, who I'll become."
Joe was unfazed, "I understand, you want a clear idea of where you're headed. But if you're curious then ask, I'm sure he'll be uneasy but he'll tell you what he can. I still don't see why digging it up is so important. What's happened has happened. It'll be a process, but try to live for today."
"If you say so."
"Gou. I'm not joking. You'll only cause more pain. Instead of focusing on rebuilding a relationship with your father and growing it, you're opening doors you're not meant to. Live, trade yesterday for the future. It's what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are."
Gou snorted, "Are you seriously quoting Mew Two from the first Pokémon movie right now?"
Joe felt hot under the collar. "No, I'm quoting my deceased father. He died from cancer when I was sixteen. Moved here afterward because my mother couldn't afford to keep the farm. Forgive me, but are you done being an insensitive cow?"
Gou's face saddened. He had no idea. Joe always seemed so normal, happy. Guess that would come from growing up, if so, why wasn't his dad that way?
"I'm so sorry."
"It's fine, but you get my point, yeah? When we lost my father my mother and I had two choices. Grieve ourselves into bitterness and despair or start rebuilding our lives like my father would've wanted. Your father tried to do too much at once and, on top of unresolved PTSD and traumas, has made himself out to be solely responsible for all and everything he's involved in."
"But he's not." Gou said, standing up from his spot at the table.
"And neither are you."
"How could he think that way? He's not alone. We're a family. A family is a team."
Joe smirked, happy to see this side of him. Maybe in arguing why his dad shouldn't feel that way he'd see it too. Why didn't he do this with Kai? Oh yeah, he was impossible at times.
"Why do you think that way?"
"That bitch put it into my head that I had to be a certain way. No if, ands, or buts about it. Unless I wanted to be hurt I had no choice."
"What about family being a team? Not being alone?"
"That's different. He has his own problems I have mine. You can't shoulder everything for everyone, you have to shoulder things on your own too. Builds character."
"How's it different?"
Gou growled, feeling frustrated by all the hard questions. "I don't know, it just is."
"It's not really, no."
"Prove me wrong then, go on."
"My mother didn't confide everything in me but I still held her up and she didn't know everything but she still held me. In times of crisis or lows, you don't need to know, just be there. At the end of the day, everyone needs someone."
"Then why is dad so distant from me?"
"Your father had that mentality engrained in him too by an even worse monster than Monica... You may be curious but ask yourself, do you really want to know? And if that doesn't convince you, would you want your dad outright learning all she did to you?"
Gou looked down at the table, remorse filling him up.
"No, I wouldn't." Gou shakily whispered out, feeling mortified.
Putting himself in his dad's shoes and reversing the roles made him feel horrible, like he was stepping on toes. Because, in a way, he was.
"So are you going to ask your father your questions?" Joe tried, hoping to get a different answer. These two needed this change. It'd help them move forward in the right direction, big time.
Makoto's influence had ran it's course, and Gou was hoping he'd be a different person when he woke up. Less pushy and more relaxed. The kind that helped him when he was at odds like this, not encourage him into doing something he'd ultimately regret.
"No, it's his business and I was a fool for digging to begin with."
"I won't argue with that, but remember, curiosity can kill. So be open, mindful, and careful."
Gou nodded, understanding him completely, "Yes, sir."
To Be Continued...
